GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY

PAUSE MOMENT

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY

"Life is hard, and then you die" -V- "Life is effortless."

How is it that both axioms can be true, at one and the same time? 

Welcome to paradox – one of the many quirks in living that your mind cannot be with. Time to give yourself a well-deserved break – get out of your mind for a few moments. Don't worry, I've done this trip – I know my way around – I'll bring you back safe and sound...

[We Gotta Get Out of This Place – The Angels]

Cosmologists are closing in on a radical theory of the universe that will link it to human life in a very intimate way. Instead of a cold, lifeless void, the cosmos is about to be accepted and realised as a living thing whose operations are intelligent and conscious.

What does that have to do with the meaning of life, meeting your next deadline and cutting your work week back? Let me explain.

One of the classic laws of physics is known as the Law of Least Action, which says (in simplified form) that Nature usually takes the shortest, most efficient route to accomplish things. From chemical reactions to the curving arc followed by a cricket ball, whatever is the least action needed is the amount of energy consumed. This is the physics equivalent of saying two things -- 1) That Nature in all her lavishness is a mistress of economical process; and 2) That “the shortest distance between two points is a straight line” is bullshit. In real life, there's no such thing as a straight line.

Logic suggests that you can tell a straight line simply by looking at it, but when a cricket ball is thrown, Nature steps in and computes a whole bunch of other factors, such as trajectory, gravity, momentum, mass, and friction all at once to arrive at Least Action, and it happens instantly and automatically. And the result isn't a straight line – it's a curve. If I change one element in the equation – such as throwing the ball on a rainy day – an adjustment to the curve is made immediately. Nature's intelligence operates with effortless spontaneity. Jesus talked about this when he reportedly said something like this –

[The Blessed Spirits – Vanessa-Mae]

“Stop worrying about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; stop stressing about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than just food and the body more than just clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, they don't sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet nature feeds them.  27 Which of you by worrying can add a single centimetre to his height?

31 “Quit worrying, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32  That's what the ignorant do. Play it smart. The universe knows that you need all these things, and there'd be plenty to go around if you got rid of your presumptions and profiteers of Scarcity and Lack . 33 So, seek first “How It's Done” in nature, and all you need is available to you. 34  Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. You have sufficient for today. You do.”

Get out of God's way: get out of your own way. Let life work – it's designed to work.”

If the Law of Least Action was allowed to apply more actively in the human brain, productivity would increase tenfold, because making a decision would be an automatic, effortless computation of all the variables involved. Such a possibility seems far-fetched, however, when you consider that any decision you make in life – such as experimenting with a another way of seeing or doing things – enters into various grey areas. Is the new way integral, simple, reliable, experienced, capable of possibility, attractive to team players? The viability of a new possibility involves these variables and opens up more opportunities that you probably can't see from here.

Consider this: Your brain already operates by the Law of Least Action. It's a characteristic your intelligence has in common with the Universal Intelligence from which you were created: it's part of your inheritance. Every electrical impulse traveling down a neuron, every chemical reaction leaping across a synapse, must obey this law. There is an efficient state of the brain as a whole; only when we use our Mind (as distinct from the "brain" organ) to create complication does life get difficult. This, too, is a reality. Although we can't see it, locate it, dissect it, Mind does exist; Mind is a reality. 

If I ask you to add 2+2, your brain gives the answer instantly, unlike a computer, which must actually calculate any problem posed to it. The human mind and brain together work by a combination of insight, creativity, memory, habit, belief, opinion, concept, quantum leaps of creativity, and other aspects that are completely foreign to computers. And much, if not all of this, is done according to the Law of Least Action.

Is there a downside to the Law of Least Action?

Yes. But it's not a physical or chemical (mechanical) downside; it's a psychological, programming problem called Habit. Habit arises from, and in turn further causes, a lack of fresh awareness.

The magic ingredient for turning robotic reactions into appropriate responses is Awareness -- to heighten the frequency and broaden the scope of your Availability and Sensitivity to ALL the factors in play.

That being taken into account, the ultimate productivity hint is this: give the Law of Least Action more of a chance. Stop interfering with it. Get out of your own way.

How to Align yourself for the Law of Least Action to work for you:

1. Totally accept yourself and others for all that you are. That removes the onerous hindrances of judgment – taking on board the onus of judging things as they are, and the judgments of others. Those are complications that bog you down.
2. Respond creatively. Drop the habit of reacting. Step back and allow intuition to flood in and mix with logic and reason.
3. Relinquish the need to defend your point of view. Realise that we all see from a specific point of view, that each is valid and none is totally right.

Tips for promoting the beneficial influence of Least Action in your life:

• Get enough sleep.
• Create and promote an open environment for the exchange and trial of scary ideas. Oscar Wilde said “An idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea at all.”
• Allow free communication at every level of your life
• Support the whole group emotionally
• Ask for honest feedback, and integrate it.
• Make every one you know feel valued

Tips for getting out of your own way:

• Stop using undue pressure, on yourself and others.
• Don't promote any stress-inducing conditions as an incentive.
• Don't use intimidation, coercion, superior status, or manipulation.
• Don't compete; create.
• Don't isolate management from workers
• Let go of old, familiar ways of doing things.

[Keep It Simple – Tommy Emmanuel]

The KISS Principle rules. The Law of Least Action is stymied when we complicate our lives. All of the tips I've just listed are needless complications to the smooth flow of work and play.

Keeping it simple makes me — and my life — hum.

I'm no good at multitasking. I think people who boast about their ability to simultaneously juggle multiple projects or chores are fooling themselves if they think they are operating at peak productivity. I measure productivity, not by the clock, but by the quality and effective results of my work. Multitasking, for me, is the ruination of quality and it gives me no time for inspiration, intuition and left-field ideas to get a look-in..

I know plenty of multitaskers who are quick to tell me they are blitzing it. But all I see them really doing is getting by, delivering just 60 percent or 70 percent of their energy and expertise to any given project that does not have their full attention, and getting results around 35-45%. Getting by is not part of my brand. I'm an 80%-minimum man. Whatever I have taken on, I give 100 percent while I'm there. That’s my quality control.

Sure, there is down time during my working day when I could check email or make a business call. But that pulls my focus away from what I have committed to for that date and time, shutting down the possibility of inspiration to sneak in from the periphery: I want everything going for me to produce the best show for my audience. If I am working on my show, or researching and writing future assignments, the email is off, and the phone is on silent.

And no, it’s not because I have the luxury of scheduling my days to avoid the need to multitask. I fulfill multiple tasks, but I tackle them one at a time so each one — and each person on the other end of that task — gets 100 percent of my attention and energy at the time. And I extend the same courtesy to others – when I do call them, I ask first “Is this a convenient time? I need only (7) minutes? It's just good manners and respect, isn't it?

My other killer productivity discovery comes with an admission: I happen to have the best personal assistant in the world. Me. I'm always available, tuned in, and familiar with all the files, including the classified ones.

I used to have personal assistants who were terrific; Cassie, Bridget and Stephanie were competent and committed. Loved working with them. But when my marriage and I both fell apart I decided to see if I and Me could handle matters on our own. I even closed down my office (and business phone contact) at the same time.

We didn’t just manage — it boosted my creativity and productivity. I no longer have all the back-and-forth that comes when you have a layer between you and whatever you're doing. When Little Barrie and I need to travel, we simply make the reservation; it doesn’t take any more time than communicating that to a PA and then having some back and forth over times, routes, other commitments etc. I never have a problem having to get two rooms, or who's going to get the bigger bed. Colleagues, clients and business associates come straight to me: that’s a productivity boost for both of us.

When there is a business deal on the table, that table is for two: little Barrie and me. We decide. I have no staff. No (brand) managers, writers, researchers, visualisers, music programmers or marketing consultants. (Yes, there are lawyers as required from time to time, but they've got plenty to do for others when I don't need them.)

I recognize that level of streamlining may not be practical for everyone. But I encourage you to take a serious look at how you manage your business, and the business of You Inc. Do you really need all that jazz?

Get out of your own way. Easy is right.

[Mondo Cane – Francy Boland Big Band]

More is not necessarily better. Is every staff member or assistant truly helping you be more productive, or just making you feel more important? I couldn’t be happier — and more productive — since I dropped the classic trappings of running a successful life. The only thing I miss is my Merc., but I'm past my use-by date as a safe driver now anyway.

It seems to me that the world's wisdom traditions were onto something with this “Eye -of-the-needle stuff”, but they go much deeper into the matter. They point to Conscious Awareness as the key. If you expand your awareness (through meditation, reflection, contemplation, and closely examining yourself) you will reach a level of the mind where Least Action can work much more efficiently. Solutions will come far more quickly because you won't be stuck at the level of the problem. Carrying out bold plans will not create resistance and stress because you will trust the source of inspiration deep inside yourself.

In the future I anticipate that the link between cosmic mind and human mind will only grow stronger. In the meantime, we have enough evidence from neuroscience, physics, and the world's great thinkers to begin trusting in the Law of Least Action and applying it to our daily life.

[Cosmic Wheels – Stephen Cummings]

TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF

PAUSE A MOMENT

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Good morning. Welcome now to Pause a Moment – a time we take each week to reflect on ways to ease the ups and downs on your roller-coaster.

What do you really need if you want to lead a successful life? A soul-mate? An exciting career? A loving family? The comfort of a set of beliefs? It seems odd in hindsight, but for a very long time no one seriously asked “What is essential for a successful life?”.

[All I Need – Wendy Matthews]

For a long time life has been seen as divided into traditional compartments - work, family, and religion. That hadn't changed for centuries and, for many people, still hasn't. But early last century, a breakthrough on that perception began when the psychologist Abraham Maslow offered a new insight model where he noticed that people already have an identifiable hierarchy of needs – they naturally and automatically put basic needs first, and then work up a ladder of other needs in a fairly predictable order.

The most fundamental and basic four rungs of the ladder contain what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "d-needs": Physical needs, Security, Friendship & Love, and Esteem. If our "deficiency needs" are not met we will feel anxious and tense, and our health suffers. Maslow's theory suggests that these most basic level of needs must be met before we will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. Our motivation to go beyond the scope of the basic needs and strive for constant betterment is simply not there if we feel insecure, unhealthy, and/or cold, thirsty or hungry. Now that kinda makes sense, doesn't it? Jesus knew it – he fed the folks first before he tried laying his message on them.

[Who Cares? – Catherine Britt]

Physiological needs are the basic physical requirements for human survival. They include the metabolic requirements of air, water, food and warmth, along with clothing and shelter to provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate and healthy birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape the sexual instinct. If these requirements are not met, the human body cannot function properly and will ultimately fail. Physiological needs are thought to be the most important; and you seriously should be meet them first.

Then comes the need to feel safe.....

[Blithe Bells – Aust. Chamber Orchestra]

With our physical needs relatively catered to, our safety needs rise to take precedence and dominate behavior. In the absence of physical safety – whether due to war, natural disaster, family violence, childhood abuse, – people may (re-)experience post-traumatic stress disorder or transgenerational trauma. In the absence of economic safety – due to economic crisis and lack of work opportunities – these safety needs manifest themselves in ways such as a preference for job security, grievance procedures for protecting the individual from unilateral authority, savings accounts, insurance policies, reasonable disability accommodations, etc. This level is more likely to be found in immature humans because they generally have a greater need to feel safe.

For us adults, our Safety and Security needs include:

• Feeling Personal security in body and mind.
• Feeling protected from threats to anything our ego considers important.
• Feeling able to take care of our financial affairs into the forseeable future.
• Feeling healthy and emotionally capable.
• Having a safety net against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts.

Love and belonging

After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves Feeling like you Belong. This need is especially strong in childhood and can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents, and adults who cling to abusive partners. Deficiencies within this level of Maslow's hierarchy – due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism – can impact the individual's ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general, such as:

• Friendship
• Intimacy
• Family

According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, regardless if these groups are large or small. For example, some large social groups may include clubs, co-workers, religious groups, professional organisations, sports teams, and street gangs. Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others. Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. This need for belonging may overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure.

[Respect – Max Merrett & the Meteors]

Esteem

All humans have a need to feel valued and respected; this includes the need to have self-esteem and self-respect. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain position and recognition. These activities give some people a sense of contribution or value; others at the other end of the scale just want to be “famous”. Nobody with an ounce of ego wants to be a forgotten nonentity – me included. Low self-esteem or an inferiority complex may result from imbalances in this Esteem level of the hierarchy.

People with low self-esteem tend to rely on dodgy identifications (“That's me”) for internal support; they often need recognition and respect from others; they may feel the need to seek fame or glory. They fall disappointingly short because fame or glory will not help the person to build their self-esteem until they accept who they are internally; and once Who-You-Really-Are is recognised, fame and reassurance no longer matter . In fact, fame or recognition can have the reverse effect, and can prove fatal. Existing psychological imbalances, such as chronic depression, can and will hinder you from obtaining a higher, more stable level of self-esteem or self-respect. You'll settle for a soap-bubble of Self-Importance instead. POP – GONE!

Most people have a need for stable self-respect. Maslow noted two versions: a "lower" version and a "higher" version. The "lower" version of esteem is the need for respect from others. This may involve a grab for status, recognition, fame, prestige, notoriety or attention. The "higher" version manifests itself as the need for self-respect. For example, the person may have a need for strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, and freedom. This "higher" version takes precedence over the "lower" version because it relies on an inner competence established through experience. Whenever I suffer from an inferiority complex, or feelings of vulnerability or helplessness, deprivation of Esteem is high on my list of the usual suspects.

Esteem and the higher levels of wellbeing are not strictly separated; instead, the level of Esteem is closely intertwined with a need for Self-actualisation.

[Be What You Be – Angus Stone – 4:52]

Self-actualisation/Altruism

There's a Ruthless Rule of Happiness that goes "What a man can be, he must be.” And there's another one that says something like this – “Happiness is no kin to Complacency. You'll never find out what's possible until you explore the impossible.” If we don't keep stretching our potential, we steer ourselves into a doldrum of disillusionment and dissatisfaction, and then we blame that on others [he/she let me down].

I seem to spend a lot of my life these days challenging reluctant players to do better than they are. Where they experience disappointment, I often see blatantly unrealised potential. This dis-ease arises from an unfulfilled need for self-actualization. This level of need refers to what a person's full potential is and how completely that potential is lived out. Maslow describes self-actualisation as the inherent, (usually unconscious) human desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be. 80% of humans don't even get that they're short-selling themselves and will even get quite uppity at the mere suggestion they're giving up instead of living up. Maybe that's why I have few close friends; I require those who profess they want to play with me to do better than they think they can. It's a bugger being able to see wasted potential go down the gurgler in gushes of self-righteousness or oozing leaks of smug complacency.

Those I am closest to perceive or focus on Self-Actualisation very specifically in some area of their life. For example, one person has the strong desire to become an ideal parent. In another I can think of, the desire is expressed athletically. For others, it may be expressed in painting, performing, organising events, inventing, or producing and presenting radio programmes. Maslow believed that to understand this level of need, you must not only achieve the previous needs for health, security, safety, love & belonging, and esteem, but you have to also master them. If you haven't; go no further. Go back to basics. It's nigh impossible to contemplate the meaning of existence // when your kids are cold, wet and crying from malnutrition. You cannot be an effective, empowering broadcaster when you're main concern is how many phone strokes you get to your ego (I got ten calls today!)

By exposing this "hierarchy of needs”, Maslow has had a huge impact, and his way of seeing it suits common sense. A successful life requires firstly a secure foundation. My Dad, a child of the Great Depression, did his hamfisted best to drum Security into me every day of my life. Secure job; rock-solid faith. Wham bam, thankyou Sam! Yet it didn't seem to make him happy, and life as it presented itself to me in my late teens and early 20s was just not that simple. To this curious mind there were too many unanswered questions. In my experience, life keeps changing, and I think there is now one need that supersedes all others. Without it, money and family won't make up for it. A prominent career and professional status will be undermined. Without this, the very possibility of leading a happy life is jeopardised.

[Take Care of Yourself – Charlie Byrd]

This one need is the need for Self-Care.

Self care? Yes. If self-care was treated in our culture with more awareness and due respect, services like Lifeline and Beyond Blue would go begging for business. Multinational pill pushers would go broke tomorrow if people became aware of how easily they've sold out their self reliance and esteem // in favour of promised cure-alls and an easy ride to La-la-land.

The accumulated knowledge of medicine, psychology, and longevity studies agree about Self-care. Each of us has the potential to avoid disease, retard aging, and achieve a higher state of well-being // if we pay attention to looking after what we've created. A new horizon has opened that millions of people are not fully aware of. They continue to hold on to old worn-out notions that deprive them of power over their present and their futures.

[Old Fashioned Morphine – The Hillbilly Goats]

These outdated notions include the following:

1. It's your GP's job to keep you well.

2. Old age is a state of decline.

3. Money solves most problems, and the more money you have, the better.

4. Everyone has inner demons and they are to be feared. It's better to keep quiet about them.

5. What you don't know won't hurt you.

6. Life is unfair and bad things happen randomly.

7. There must be something wrong with people to whom bad things happen.

8. Chronic disease is all genetic, and there's nothing you can do about your genes.

Every one of these notions is contradicted by Self-Care. Looking after yourself, as I mean it, involves engaging the following possibilities –

1. Wellness of body, mind and spirit becomes your individual responsibility.

2. How old age shows up for you reflects your beliefs about it. Vital beliefs lead to a vital old age. Beliefs in decline and decrepitude lead to ….. you got it!

3. Money provides for basic needs. After that, there's no correlation between money and happiness.

4. Facing your personal issues now has a huge impact on how healthy you will be in the future.

5. What you don't know gets either ignored or repressed and creates emotional and physical difficulties. Your cells metabolise everything that happens to you, whether you're aware of it or not. This is why I keep banging on about “Be Aware”, as distinct from “Beware”

6 & 7. Life matches your conception of it. Whatever your opinions you get to be right. And you think being right is all that matters. How wrong can you be? Your mind shapes how events turn out in your experience, not vice versa.

8. Genes change. Your genetic makeup is fluid and dynamic, responding at every moment to your world and your response to it. And your genes can't differentiate between your inner and outer world; they react equally to both real and imagined stimuli.

The bottom line of this list is that you have the power to create your personal reality. Life doesn't care whether you believe that or not, which is what self-care is ultimately about. Whatever personal reality you create will affect how you function, and the whole lot will be passed on to your children, one way or another. We are badly in need of a new model for well-being. Decades of public information about prevention has made headway, but the whole subject feels less than urgent to most people, especially when they're still young enough to make changes that make a difference. Most people still segment their lives into work, leisure, and family. Little time is left for self-care. Yet caring for yourself today is exactly what determines your life for decades to come, and those of your offspring.

OK. Verbs in sentences: Consider including the following suggestions in a new regime for looking after yourself:

- Make Happiness a high priority. Try sticking this on your fridge door – “Happiness First, Then Take Out the Garbage, Then Save the World..... in that order.”

- Make sure your life has purpose and meaning. If it doesn't, make something up, just for today. Then tomorrow, make something up again. Make your day ABOUT something, bigger than yourself. Be a participant of it, and include others in changes for the better.

- Live according to a higher vision. The best form of self-care is to merge yourself into some wider, higher possibility.

- Expand your awareness in every decade of your life.

- Devote time and attention to personal growth.

- Pay attention to the fate of the world around you, and your role in that. Are you a player, or a spectator?

- Follow at least a minimal regimen of good diet and physical activity. But don't go overboard about it. Remember Oscar Wilde's dictum “Everything in moderation – including moderation.”

- Allow your brain to reset by introducing downtime several times a day.

- Get to know your inner world through awareness, meditation, contemplation, and self-reflection. Remember Socrates? – A life unexamined is no life at all. As I write this I'm looking at a neighbour who's come outside her unit to smoke a cigarette. She puts a white cotton glove on her hand before she lights up, and sucks the acrid smoke into her lungs. She won't coat her home or her fingers with whatever shit comes out of those things, but she's happy to let her lungs cop it. And she doesn't see the absurdity of that? Who knows? Maybe she does. It's none of my business. I'm grateful for her reflection of my own stupidity.

- Practice gratitude and appreciation. Find something to be happy about in the moment. Spread it around.

- Learn how to love and be loved. This is a lifetime challenge. I'm still learning how to be a father to my darling daughter. Thank God it's not too late.

As you can see, self-care goes far beyond eating our vegetables and signing up for the gym. It has nothing at all to do with “Every man for himself”. It amounts to a new model for success and happiness, a model that abundant evidence supports. Right now, most of the existing models feel very dead-end-ish. Consumerism is a ticking time bomb; "work hard and play hard" leads to exhaustion and eventual physical, emotional and mental debility. Postponing happiness until you retire wastes decades of life and risks terminal disappointment. "Looking out for number one" deadens the soul.

 

Higher-Self Merge Meditation:

[Bon Voyage – Vangelis – 2:33]

Close your eyes

Imagine your favourite peaceful place.

Go there. Look around you; take it all in, and feel at home.....

Imagine a figure walking toward you. It is yourself – your self at its fullest potential. Your self -- calm, content, assured and quietly powerful in your being. Let this being walk towards you, until it stops just in front of you. Look at you. Feel the welcome warmth of your truest and fullest self....

Now step forward and merge into your self. Turn and sense the world with all of your senses through your new and perfect self.

Be this.....

Self-care as the one need you can't afford to ignore; include it into your balancing act. This one simple idea can change how you live today, tomorrow and every day after that.

[Bring Yourself Home to Me – Jimmy Little (A) – 3:44]

"MIDLIFE CRISIS" -- AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

PAUSE A MOMENT

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM – MIDLIFE CRISIS

In my years as a counselor for Lifeline, particularly on overnights, I encountered a lot of crisis situations that could conveniently have been classified as occurring in that awful midlife period – that time when many of us realise, or are waking up to the possibility, that the way we put our lives together so far // simply is no longer working. And we suspect with some horror that it hasn't worked for a long time, but we kept doing things the same old way // in the forlorn hope that luck would swing our way again.

But for many people it doesn't, and sometimes the crisis is exacerbated by their biology and psychology being impacted by menopause (women) an andropause (men). 

 

Take the recent high-profile case of the suicide of Charlotte Dawson...

They're saying she was killed by bullies and internet trolls. Or by those pesky, ubiquitous, annoying word alerts like "inner demons". Hmm-mm. Maybe. But I don't think that's the whole picture. It wasn't just depression that claimed her. I suspect she also fell prey to a much larger epidemic – The Fears of imminent Ageing, Regression, and creeping Irrelevance.

I watch people claimed by the fear of getting old. It is a hard bump realising you've passed forty-something, fearing a loss of your sexual currency and becoming invisible. Those experiences are not inevitable, by the way, but that doesn't stop the fear of them, which has exactly the same power over us as the real thing. Psychologist Joseph Burgo says getting older inevitably involves some kind of narcissistic injury: as our bodies age and younger people find us less physically attractive, they seem to look right through us, as if we no longer exist.

Fearing we are losing our sexual currency can come as a blow to our self-esteem, even those of us who have not relied on our looks or mojo to get and hold attention. So it hits hard those who do identify with their youthful looks and sharp intellect, and can devastate those whose living depends on them – people like Charlotte. Dr Burgo says men and women who can't bear the shift to a supporting role may ape the behaviours, clothing and attitudes of the young, trying to preserve their sexual appeal. They may opt for hormone injection, plastic surgery, or sports cars, or trophy partners. Socially, they become more self-absorbed and insensitive, demanding to remain the centre of attention. Sound familiar?

The famous fashion muse Isabella Blow, who at age 49 also lost her battle with depression, was anguished over her inability to "find a home in a world I once influenced".

We might not all walk the red carpet at glamour gigs but we all struggle to find a way to feel we matter as we get older. "I'm not a brand. I'm a human being," Charlotte Dawson said in a tweet not long before she gave away her life. The problem is, the persona many of us created for ourselves was a brand, actually. In fact, that's all it was. All packaging and no substance. And deep inside, we knew it. Part of the morbid fascination I find in early episodes of My Kitchen Rules is the whacked-out characters who play out ridiculous fantasies in the guise of a “reality” cooking competition. There's nothing real about any of it, but some are deluded enough to think it is, contestants and audience alike. It's human delusion // bottled for entertainment.

I know about this stuff. It took me a long time to let go of my invented sense of self, the fake persona called Barrie Barkla. I was trying to become real, without any real idea of what “real” was. It is hard. I am clever and intelligent, but that was not much help. To do well in rebuilding yourself piece by piece requires a lot more modesty than brilliance. Oh, having grandchildren helps, too.

Ageing can be gentle; it can be brutal. I definitely think we need to find a new way to age, to feel valued, to not be wiped out. I was excited to read in the Guardian that there might be a bit of a fledgling new movement for women of a certain age to get stroppy, to boil with fury, to refuse to go beige, to refuse to become invisible.

I cannot imagine what it must be like for a woman, and I don't pretend to know. All I can do is listen to their stories, and be there for them as they search for their path. The Guardian's Melissa Benn points out that women aged over 50 face deep injustices - divorce leaves most women financially worse off, and women earn less and do more - yet they tend to stay silent in public.

Benn is agitating to say women should speak up and start being witty, daring and stroppy. For some, the idea of rebelling means they risk being tarred as alone, unsuccessful, troublesome and now old to boot. But don't say it like those qualities are bad things! They're not. It's those phonies who pretend to be “nice” that I'm very wary of. “Nice” is a coverlet for nastiness

That is the path to freedom, I think: embrace the idea of being subversive, powerful, batty old bastards and broads. Could Charlotte, or Princess Di have been one of those? I doubt it. (It's why so many women go back to university. They want to follow in the steps of luminaries like Doris Lessing, Mary Wesley, Germaine Greer or Iris Murdoch.) But to get eccentric old-bat status, you have to stop caring what other people think of you. That comes genuinely hard, especially for those who live large in the public eye. Individuals with low self-esteem hidden under their undies tend to be more concerned with what others think of them than what they think of themselves. “I've been maligned!” they cry, and threaten to head straight for the nearest lawyer – as if that's going to fix anything.

Even Prime Ministers aren't immune. Remember Julia? Women seem particularly prone to feeling shunned for being single, being childless; and as for having a mental illness! If Andrew Robb were a woman he'd have been out of politics and home doing the dishes a year or more ago. Remember Mary Jo Fisher? Yet the truth is few people really care. And for some dedicated sufferers that's even worse.

It is terrifying to think of becoming insignificant, being wiped out, being annihilated. So, ultimately, one or more of you, like James Dean, like Princess Di, like Charlotte will chose to preserve the more glamorous, manufactured brand, and remain frozen in time... aged forty-something.... forever. For you, suicide may not be an act of desperation but an alluring option. But what if you're wrong? What if there's nothing wrong with you, and you find out, too late, that redemption was just around this next corner and you may have to come back and go through it all again just to get to this point of Decision?

This realization led me on a quest to find one interview question that would yield a universal “a-hah!” from callers contemplating suicide. It took 20 years of trial and error, but I think I found it. It has certainly worked since. Here's it is:

What single project or task would you consider your most significant accomplishment in your life to date?

To see why this simple question is so powerful, imagine you're the caller now and I've just asked you that question. What single project or task would you consider your most significant accomplishment in your life to date? What accomplishment would you select?

Now imagine that over the course of the next 15 minutes I asked you these follow-up questions. How would you respond to these?

• Can you give me a detailed overview of your accomplishment?
• Tell me how old you were, where you were, your responsibility, your role, and who else was involved.
• What were the actual results you achieved?
• When did it take place and how long did the project take?
• Why were you chosen? How did you come to be in the position to take the responsibility you did?
• What were 3-4 of the biggest challenges you faced and how did you deal with them?
• Where did you go the extra mile or take the initiative?
• Walk me through the plan, how you managed it. How did you measure its success?
• Describe the environment and resources you could draw upon to support you.
• Explain your partner's/manager's style and whether you liked it.
• What were the technical skills needed to accomplish your objective. How did you acquire them and how were they used?
• What was the biggest mistake you made?
• What aspects of the project did you truly enjoy?
• What aspects did you not especially care about and how did you handle them? How would you deal with them if they arose again?
• Give me some examples of how you managed and influenced others.
• How did you change and grow as a person?
• What type of formal recognition did your receive?
• Knowing what you now know about yourself, what you would do differently if you could do it again?

With answers detailed enough, this one line of questioning can tell you everything you need to know about yourself and your strengths. The original question itself invites you to shift your focus for a few minutes from present feelings of failure to past memories of accomplishment. The insights you could gain are remarkable. But the real secret ingredient is not even in the question; that's just a spoiler on my part. The most important elements are the details and strengths you come up with that underlie what you accomplished. This is what real self- discovery is about -- delving into the strengths of the Who-you-are that accomplished it – still alive and kicking in a back room.

Spend time learning to get the answer to just this one question. What single project or task are you proud of? Then ask it again in the light of more of your accomplishments. Begin to connect the dots. As you do, a fuller picture will emerge of a person who is worth getting re-acquainted with. With willing persistence on your part, you'll soon get to know yourself better than ever before, and feel more comfortable inside the skin of the new person you're going to spend the rest of your life with – You.