MAKE YOUR DREAMS HAPPEN - TODAY

PAUSE A MOMENT

MAKE YOUR DREAMS HAPPEN - TODAY

Good morning once again, and welcome to Pause a Moment. Tonight we're going to look at ways you can make your dreams happen. Or maybe that should read – ways of getting out of your own way of stopping your dreams from happening.... How is dreaming for you? Do they come easily, or is imagining more difficult? Maybe in a few minutes from now it will become a little easier. Are you willing to look under this particular rock? Don't worry, I've been here before – might be exciting, but nothing lethal, I promise you...

[Dream – Janet Seidel]

What is Your Dream?

Nothing begins without a dream, a vision, a flash of inspiration. And it happens in less than the blink of an eye. Mozart got his symphonies in a flash. Einstein got his Theory of Relativity in the blink of a moment. It took them a while to write them down and test them out so that others could follow the path, but the inspiration was instantaneous.

Even God had a dream. One day she wondered “What if...?”, and you showed up. But not before everything else was first put into place for you. Which begs the question – Which came first – you or your parents/circumstances? Well, conventional non-thinking assumes that your parents came first (cause), and you came later (effect). You are the effect of your parents – right? Are you so sure? Isn't it just possible that you are an idea whose time has come (Cause), and your antecedents (effects) had to be put into place so that You could happen? Could it not be that you have always been, and remain Cause in the matter?, and everything else was/is the Effect? If you are Cause, then that kinda licks all the sugar off your victim stories, doesn't it?

Five Common Roadblocks to Your Dreams. I looked at mine, and here's what I got. See if you can add some more of your own......

1. An absence of Willingness. If I'm not willing, it won't happen, except by pure accident. The bottom line is that nothing will ever happen, can ever happen, without you are first willing for it to happen.
2. The presence of Saboteurs and Witholds. We all have in our internal attics long-forgotten boxes of contrary self-beliefs and behaviours that surreptitiously sabotage and repel your desires coming to you.
3. Estrangement from Possibility through Resentments, Anxieties, Losses, Griefs and Disappointments. These gremlins are always hungry, eating away at your innocence and optimism, and scaring off opportunities.
4. Fear. Fear of being labelled a Failure. Fear of, or resistance to Success. All of us want to be the best we can be. But sometimes, all too often in fact, we shy away from a bogeyman called Risk and become mired in mediocrity. When our choices seem overwhelming—we give ourselves Analysis Paralysis: we rationalise our way OUT of what we want.
5. Perceived payoffs for Failure. Who gets to be right if your life starts working – someone you want to make wrong? Also -- if we fail, what strokes of sympathy do we get, and from whom? Who do we keep hooked when we don't ever quite succeed???

   Before your proceed any further, spend some time in turn with each of the above Spoilers. It could save you a lot of frustration and heartache further down the track.

[Any Dream Will Do – Richard Clayderman & James Last]

Prepare Your Dream

If you are unsure of what your dream might be—either because you are afraid to dream or because you somehow lost your dream along the way—then start preparing yourself to receive your dream by doing five things to put yourself in the best possible position.

1.Physical preparation: Get your body into optimal shape to pursue your dream. If you want to be a dancer you'd better work on your calves and thighs and avoirdupois.

2.Mental Preparation: Read about and meet people you admire and who inspire you. Gather information, stories and experiences that relate to what you're wading into. Become an authority on your suject.

3.Visual Preparation: Put up pictures of people, quotes and things that inspire you.

4.Experiential Preparation: Engage in activities in areas related to your interests. Think outside the box. Look around you at how things work already. Experiment. Invent. Try synthesising things you normally wouldn't find together. And spend some time with your eyes closed. Sometimes you have to close your eyes in order to see clearly.

5.Hero Preparation: Read and study people who've had their own experiences in areas of your greatest interest. You don't have to re-invent the wheel – there are some pretty good ones around that you might be able to adapt to your purposes.
Once you do these five preparations, focus on discovering your dream. As you do, keep this in mind: 'A dream is what you desire if anything and everything is possible.' What did you dream about when you were a child. To most children, anything is possible. What was your dream before you started to tuck childish things away in the back of your wardrobe?

Own Your Dream

Now follow your dreams. I am not saying it’s going to be easy, but I am saying that, provided the dreams are yours and not ambitions planted in your patch by someone else, it’s going to be worth every centimetre of the journey. 

Our happiness in many ways ties directly to an “inner voice” that 24/7 scans your life with an inherent, unspoken question…“Are you moving toward your dream?” If you are, then contentment reigns, even during the tough times. If, however, you're off-course, despair may fester within your subconscious. You probably will not even realize why your life lacks joy, and either go searching for it somewhere else, or give up – “It's too late for me.” Well, if you say so, it will be so, but it need not be so. As Billy Joel wrote – You either go for what YOU want with heart and soul engaged, or you just... get... old....

[River of Dreams – Billy Joel]

How Will You Achieve It?

Work. Vince Lombardi cryptically noted - “The only place that success comes before work is in the Dictionary." Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.

Success and satisfaction is measured, in my book, not only by what you accomplish, but also by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the tussle with the odds. At the end of my days here, I hope I'm asked “What have you enjoyed accomplishing? What did you learn about being human?”

Build Your Dream – one step at a time.

Do you long to accomplish something great and noble? Helen Keller got it when she realised “It is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they are great and noble”. Show me someone who cannot be bothered with the small stuff; I'll show you someone who cannot be trusted with the Big Picture. One of the things that gobsmacks me about God is the incredible attention she pays to detail -- the world looks just as awesome under a microscope as the Universe does around the Hubble space telescope.

All successful people are faithful in the small things. There is power and greatness in taking small steps.

So many people stand rooted to the spot simply because they are not willing to take the small step placed before them. If you have a dream to go into any particular area, you should leap at every opportunity—no matter how small—to move in the direction of your dream. For example: I dreamed of turning professional as an actor. Had I sat at home waiting for an invitation from John Sumner of the Melbourne Theatre Company, what do you think my chances might have been? I got jobs as an extra on TV dramas and watched how things were done. I got a paid job touring schools with a Theatre-In-Education company. I auditioned for NIDA and launched myself bodily for free into every opportunity on offer. You need to find an opportunity to do what you want to do somewhere, anywhere. Volunteer. Volunteering's a good life-habit to get into anyway.
Don't be afraid to take small steps. There's something powerful about getting up momentum...no matter how small. Many times the impossible is simply something that nobody else has tried and tested – yet.
I can remember a time in my life when I was immobilized with fear and fury, consumed and paralysed by what I was supposed to do. It seemed so huge a task; I was unable to bring myself to face it. A voice came to me and spoke two words that broke that paralysis in my life. There was nothing mystical in the voice – it actually sounded very like my father in a fit of exasperation with his eldest son – it said, "Do something!" I'll never forget that day...taking some small, seemingly insignificant steps changed my life. Static inertia was overcome by one simple, consciously deliberate movement. The juices began to flow once again. Momentum began to return to my life.
If you are at a point of paralysis in your life because of what you feel you're supposed to do, the words today are, "Do something!" Don't fuss about the long-term goal right now; just take the steps that take you past this point of paralysis. Soon you'll get to a point of no return. As you climb higher, you'll be able to see much farther. Remember the Chinese proverb – “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

As you begin, don't give in to fear. Eric Hoffer said, "Fear of becoming a 'has-been' keeps some people from becoming anything." Every great idea is impossible from where you are starting today. But little goals add up, and they add up rapidly. Most people don't succeed because they are too afraid to even try. As incredible as it sounds, they decide in advance they're going to fail. And they do.
Many times the final goal seems so unreachable we don't even make an effort. But once you've made your decision and have started, it's suddenly like you're halfway there. Start—no matter what your circumstances. Take that first step!
It's simple. Start from where you are, and grow wherever you're planted.

Secure Your Dream

Steven Conrad, in his screenplay for the inspiring film “The Pursuit of Happyness” wrote “Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. If people can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you YOU can't do it. Don't listen. If you want for something, go for it. Period.”

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to advice of close family, friends and mentors. But be wary of following any advice when it doesn't peacefully resonate in your heart and body. Never mind whether your mind agrees or not; listen to your heart and be aware of body sensations. If your heart & body tense up anywhere, stick it in your “Maybe” tray. That doesn't mean it's bad advice; it just signals it may not be a good fit for you just now. You will know if something is resonating with you when feelings like peace, joy, patience, lightness, kindness and excitement start to bubble up from within you, or you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders.

When you don't know what action to take, do nothing. Instead. build energy, clean things up, organise things, seek out more information. If something feels right, proceed. If it feels wrong, don't go. If it feels neutral, move very slowly and cautiously. Keep your dream in mind, and stay in charge.

Don't leave your dream to chance. Make it a Choice. A deliberate, day-by-day choosing.

[As the Days Go By – Daryl Braithwaite]

THE POWER OF OPTIMISM

PAUSE A MOMENT

THE REMARKABLE POWER OF OPTIMISM

Good evening once again and welcome to Pause a Moment. Tonight I want to remind you of the remarkable recuperative powers of Optimism.

[A Cockeyed Optimist – Barbra Streisand]

Whether you reach success or failure in life has little to do with your circumstances; it has much more to do with your attitude...with your faithful courage...with your choices and decisions! Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, noted “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
 

People who see themselves as non-achievers blame their circumstances; achievers engage with and emerge from their circumstances. Some concentrate on the blank walls that box them in; achievers always look beyond the walls for a way to get under them, over them, around them, or just go through them.

Here's a nonsense riddle that shed some light on a dark corner of my lousy self-image some years ago. I warn you it doesn't make rational sense – it's not supposed to --- it works out-of-sight at some other level, until one day you'll suddenly "get it". Here it is....

A goose has been raised all its life in a large glass jar. The goose has now grown too large for the jar, but the neck is too narrow for it to get out. Question:= How do we get the goose out of the jar, without damaging either the goose or the jar?

Answer:= [Snap your fingers] The goose is out. That's it. The goose is out.

[Actually it was never in the jar; I was mistaken about that.]

It's that simple. Now forget it. You can't work it out; just let it be. Complexity is Fraud. Simplicity is the Name, Complexity is the Game. One day you'll get it.

This wasn't the first time in my life when I've felt myself walled up in a prison cell and left the keys on the outside. I'm sure you know how that feels, too. The first key to getting outside is to realise – not to hope, but to realise -- that there IS an outside, and that “outside” has a few important things going for it that you cannot get “inside”. Of course, logic and reason will tell you “Of course there's an outside – silly billy!” but logic and reason are of very little practical use when you're sinking deeper and deeper into the prison of some seemingly bottomless emotional funk.

The second key is to wake up to the fact that the way out of an emotional prison often looks worse than the situation you're in. This is why so few people take it on. Victims whinge “I have no choice” when the truth is that the ability to choose and change your choices is always present, but not always obvious or attractive. For example, the way out of a rigid, righteous certainty is through Uncertainty – hmmm. The way out of compulsive argumentative opposition is through Surrender – oh, no! The way out of Resentment is through Forgiveness. Yeccchhh!!! Everything in you rebels against doing the very thing that will free you. You forget that doing what looked and felt “right” got you into the mess in the first place.

So, it comes back to the hoary old question – do you want to go on being “right”, or would you rather be free? Have you had enough suffering yet? Would you rather be “right” or “Successful”? Right? OK. Knock yourself out, but don't expect me to join you.

Turning your back on rightness doesn't make you wrong, by the way; it does show you want something more than a cosy corner in the Smug.

Optimism is a choice – one of many Options that are available to all but those afflicted most severely by mental illness. For example, my daughter, who suffers from severe brain damage, still knows that Optimism has to be chosen. I define Optimism as a way of being in the world that realistically recognises and optimises the Benefits and Advantages inherent in every situation, and that identifies ways to effectively employ your particular traits, abilities and strengths towards a result that works for you, and strengthens the rest of the cast around you. The key word is “effective”. I stand for a world that works. Anything that no longer works – I ditch it. Know differently. Choose differently. Do differently. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.

Here's a Ruthless Rule of Reality – You choose how to live every day of your life. Whatever situation you're in right now is the result of a series of events that have happened, and the choices you have made in dealing with what's happened. What happens to you now and from here onward depends on the same interaction of Chance and Choosing. If you keep making the same Choices today as the ones you've made in the past, chances are you'll keep getting pretty much the same results. You don't have to be an Einstein to figure that out. Isn't it possibly slightly nuts to keep on doing the same things and expecting different results? Don't feel too badly, though; it's an insanity we all share to a greater or lesser degree.

[Tomorrow Is Another Day – Louise Anton]

So what stops us from using the opportunities that Today offers for changing tomorrow? The Law of Inertia. The law of inertia holds that a body at rest tends to remain at rest, and a body in motion tends to remain in motion, at the same speed and in the same direction, unless the body is acted upon by an outside force.

That same Law of Inertia applies very well to patterns in our lives....

People who are successful tend to remain successful.
People who are happy tend to remain happy.
People who are respected tend to remain respected.
People who reach their goals tend to go on reaching their goals.

So what's the major difference between the physics and the psychology of this?

In physics, inertia is controlled by outside forces; but in a context of psychology the real changes in the directions of our lives come from inside us. As William James said, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a person can alter his life by altering his attitude of mind."

You can live every day of your life. You can be alive to the tips of your fingers. You can accomplish virtually any worthwhile goal you set for yourself. So what do you need to change that will get you what you want?

[Tomorrow Never Knows – Tangerine Dream]

Changing your Attitude has the potential to change your life for the better. Whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, the choice as to how you will be today and tomorrow is yours, and yours alone. You know the old computing cliché “Garbage In / Garbage Out”? All your tomorrows depend entirely on the content, the context and the energetic quality of what you pour into your here and now.

You've heard the saying “We become what we eat” and any attempt to improve your physical health has to encompass an improvement in your diet. In much the same way any project to raise the levels of your emotional and spiritual health should include a thorough overhaul of the kind of stuff you feed your brain, your mind and your soul.

That's up to you. If you need a helping hand, you'll find one on the end of each of your own arms.

"LOVE" IS A BE-ING WORD

PAUSE A MOMENT

LOVE IS A BEING WORD

[Love Hurts – Robin Gibb]

"I have a 42-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old grandson who are, each in their own very different ways, teaching me something similar -- the paradox that when I love so much that it hurts, the hurt dissolves and there is only more love behind it." They're teaching me not to be afraid of the hurt, but to go through it; there's something quite miraculous waiting on the oher side....

Author Leo Buscaglia told about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old boy whose elderly next-door neighbour had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. 

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

[Every Time You Cry – Human Nature]

Common empathy tells us to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. We all have burdens to bear and joys to share. But one of the ways Life helps us bear and share is to send us the loving comfort of “other people”. If you want to experience and live out love, make your heart available both to receive love and companionship from others and to be simply present and available in someone else's life.

[Love Makes the World Go – Billy May]

There's an old saying that "love makes the world go around." But, as most of us know, sometimes that orbit can be a pretty lumpy one. We have the best intentions of being a loving person, loving spouse, parent and friend, but our actions, and how they're interpreted often get in the way of our intentions.

My Intention tonight is to explore enough insight and understanding to change our relationships from frustrating to forgiving, from critical to complimentary, and from disappointed to delighted—even with the most difficult personalities. Will you come with me for half an hour? C'mon, let's go.....

So many books, manuals and seminars have been written about love. Think of the multitude of poems, songs and letters that are inspired by love; it might seem like the topic must have been exhausted. Considering all the advice we've received, love should be naturally expressed to sustain and nurture cooperative and mutually beneficial relationships.

Unfortunately though, we haven't necessarily reached that point. Maybe we read the guff, but we don't respond; perhaps we listen but don't get it, or know what to do but fail to take action. Maybe we understand what love is about and – like so many bad actors -- play at it, but we don't become Love. Whatever the case, relationships are in constant need of reframing, and a practical cultivation of devoted consideration.

[Life is Worth Living – Archie Roach]

What really makes this life worth living?

When I stood in this question, one of the answers surprised me, because it relies on an illusion that doesn't exist in Heaven. It relies on the illusion of Separation and the experience of Duality. Now, since duality is an artefact and Heaven is the home of One-ness, this here/now may well be the one and only time and place where we can get to experience this mystery – this miraculous illusion of Separation.

 Now I think, as you probably do, too, of Separation s a painful thing. So why bother with it? Is there a payoff possible from Separation? You bet!! 

Relationship! Love in evidence. Relationships make the difference between just existing and living life to the fullest. Whether that life together is heavenly or hellish is up to you.

Relationship is not a static thing, it is a fluid process of things happening and people becoming. There is a constant push/pull between the many, many polarities that show up in every relationship, and also between what we would like our relationships to be and what we perceive they are.

Our relationships form their shape from accumulations of simple, yet usually unnoticed or forgotten little actions and moments of just being together that contribute to building a relationship into what it has become.

[Moments – Marcia Hines]

How effective and satisfying are your relationships with your spouse, children, co-workers or friends?

If you are looking for a way to move your relationships from what they are to what you want them to be, I'm excited to offer you a solution.

I've just spent an hour or so on the blower with my eldest grandson at University in London. It would be fair to say that when he was a youngster, we didn't get off on the closest footing. But things have surely changed since! So the first thing I know is that it's never too late. 

I got off to a really lousy start as a parent. But something happened. Now I cherish so much about our offspring. Through my many years of parenting and, now, grandparenting, I realize that I have always treasured each relationship. Each is unique, dynamic and mind-blowing. My job, as I see it, is to make it just as awesome now for each of my friends, relatives and acquaintances as it is for me.

Yes, I cheer and crow when they score points or gracefully perform. So much so, I know I embarrass them sometimes. But I'd rather err on that over-the-top side of the equation than risk leaving them in the kind serious doubt my father left me in /// whether he liked anything about me. I'm so-o-o pleased when their report cards revealed above-average scores, or when I observe the effort they've put into a project. And of course it's flattering when people comment how delightful and empowering they are, or how respectfully they present themselves. I bask unashamedly in the glow of their magnificence. They remind me so much of someone I used to know and had nearly forgotten – me at that age, still alive and skipping inside me.

But what really trips my trigger and renews my parental energy—after returning from a publicity trip, or working with them on a homework assignment, reading them a bedtime story (my favourite), or correcting misbehaviour (my least fave), or just chilling out and sharing experiences—is the loving smile, the warm hug, the high five, and the three cherished words: "I love you."

I have become keenly aware how my actions, words, tone of voice, or nonverbals affected the loving, caring, and mutually respectful relationship we enjoyed as a family. As a father, I failed at times to uphold my end of the responsibility. There were situations when, out of sheer ignorance of what I was doing, I crushed my children's spirits. But they bounced.... and the unseen love and vision I had for them prevailed.

A couple of years ago I asked my son point-blank if there was anything he still held against me. He said “No.” He meant it. Surprised, I ventured “What happened?” He said simply “When Mum left, you cried.” That was it. All forgiven.

About 5 years ago I was dandling my youngest grandson on my knee. He fixed me with his characteristic, steady, baby-Peter-Pan gaze, leant his forehead on mine, and started baby-talking. After about 30 seconds of that, he leaned back without breaking his innocent gaze, as if to say “Did you get that?” Then he leaned in again, forehead to forehead, and “spoke” to me again. Then he leaned back again and regarded the effect he was having. A thought flashed through my mind – “I haven't a clue what he's saying, but he's telling me his experience, and I want to be fully hear for this.” So I nodded and said “Yes” And he did it a third time. I think I will remember those moments until my dying day.

In my confused ignorance I wreaked damage on my ex-wife, my son and my daughter The only way to heal a damaged spirit is to swallow the pride and say in all humility, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me." Failure to bring healing when you've been unfair or hurtful can breed anger for years to come.

[I'm Sorry – John Denver – 3:30]

When was the last time you told your child, "I'm sorry for anything I have ever said or done that has hurt you"? Erik H. Erikson, the man who coined the phrase “identity crisis” stated flatly “The most deadly of all sins is the mutilation of a child's spirit.”

Close and distant, comfortable and ghastly, all my relationships have served me well. Among a lot of things each has reflected back to me aspects of myself that either needed correctional work or celebrating. To those who provided those reflections I am eternally grateful, much more than I can say. “Thank you”, and a life transformed as a result will have to suffice.

I dare say now, if you're looking for the full meaning of life, you will never find it on your own. The only thing you'll find on your own is that you can never be fully alive on your own: you need to Be With. Love shows up, naked and undisguised, at that zero point of balance – the middle of the see-saw where opposites meet.....

[Where Opposites Meet – Sky]

There is a constant tug o' war between what we want our relationships to be and what they are. Tonight is about those simple, yet often forgotten, accumulations of little actions that contribute to building our relationships into what they become. If you don't like what a particular relationship you have has become, here's a pocket checklist that might help you identify where you've gone off track:-

• Accept people for who they are
• Identify what the different people you know need in order to feel good about themselves.
• Be like a gardener – tend your relationships to bloom in season.
• Get along with difficult people – it's a challenge to your intellect and your soul
• Creatively and effectively manage conflict without resorting to domination, manipulation or control.
• Develop a sincere interest in others and their growth.
• Build on people's positive qualities
• Forgive hurtful actions
• Encourage, uplift and stimulate others to become all they can be
• Be the type of person that other people enjoy being around

People who act as though love is a verb often find that others treat them the same way. It's funny how life tends to give back what we give out. One thing is for sure, those you touch will not remain as they are—and I doubt you will either.

[Now We're Getting Somewhere – Human Nature]

RELATIONSHIPS

Originally posted @ 9:07am 7/7/07

In the process of experiencing depression, I recently reached a point where I really didn't care too much about going on with this life, regardless of the pleas of well-meaning friends and rellies. Oh, I didn't want to slash my wrists or take an overdose of anything nasty: I was quite content to go on eating myself to death -- to die of "natural causes".

While I recognized their love, "I" selfishly baulked at the idea of going on living because someone else wants me to.

Then one day I realized two things -- firstly, that my father's old belt hardly made it around my girth any more; and secondly, that the extra weight I'd put on was the equivalent of carrying two full film boxes around with me 24/7. No wonder my legs and knees hurt, and I can't make it to the end of my street without having to stop for a rest!

I've now begun the process of reversing the swelling, helped more than a little by the later confirmation that Type-2 Diabetes has finally accepted my offer of a home. Actually, I didn't need to wait for the results of the GT test: forty minutes after I drank the glucose I felt lousy, and the feeling was horribly familiar.

So now I'm coming back for Me, and still finding incredible love and support from the same people who nagged me about my weight.. Which brings me to my point ---

In the realm of Duality, of which being human is a part, the strength of a relationship is related to the extent to which it meets the needs of the people involved. In the realm of One-ness, however, there is no relationship, only re-cognition -- thanks to the illusion of separation.

BETTER GET GREEDY

GET GREEDY

We all do only what we know to do.

We all do what we do 

Only in ways we know how.

 

"If you know better, you'll do better".

 

I challenge you, as I challenge myself ---

Know better -- Do better.

 

I do this for myself,

And I challenge you to do better,

Not for me, or for anyone else

But for your self.

 

Then we'll all be better off........

HOW TO PERSUADE OTHERS TO SEE "IT" FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE

PAUSE A MOMENT

THE ART OF PERSUADING

[Hey Look Me Over – Sounds of the Circus]

There are times when we want other people to see something from our viewpoint. Maybe we want someone to act or think a certain way – or at least to see and acknowledge the validity of the way we're thinking, seeing and/or acting.

There's an art to persuasion that begins with a few simple groundrules. 

The first comes from Paul Tillich, and it is this – “The first Law is to Listen.” That's it. And most of us aren't even tuned in. Rather like Paul Simon's “Boxer”, which I played a little earlier, we “hear what we want to hear and disregard the rest”. Fallen at the first challenge. The art of Communicating and Persuading begins with Listening. Why? Well that's contained in the Second Rule of Persuading..

The second rule to persuading comes from Benjamin Franklin: "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." This would seem to be a blinding flash of the bleeding obvious, but it gets ignored all the time, especially by pushy bullies who arrogantly assume the Ruthless Rules of Consequences will never apply to them (e.g. If you spit in the wind it will land in your face -- You will reap what you sow.) Think back on the times when someone persuaded you to go along with something that you didn't really support. Years can pass, and still you will be skeptical or resentful about being dominated or manipulated to go along with something against your will. Pushy people ignore this law, convinced they can get away with their assaults, and are genuinely bewildered when, maybe years later, they become the targets of isolation, ostracism, and outright hostility from people who finally find the courage to get even.

[Can You Read My Mind? – Brassband Midden-Brabant]

There is really only one secret to changing other people's minds, but it's a big one: Follow practical psychology. If you heed this advice over the years, you will get better at persuading and influencing people. On the other hand, if you ignore or sidestep psychology, you will find yourself with less and less influence as time passes.

Here are five ways to put practical psychology to work that you may have overlooked or not known about. Each way comes with a tactic you definitely should not try, since it's proven not to work.

1. Be sincere and truthful. Don't be manipulative.

2. Appeal to what someone else already believes. Don't attempt to impose your own belief system.

3. Be aware of the other person's blind spots. Don't assume they are open-minded.

4. In general, persuade through reason, but don't discount the power of emotion to open new possibilities. Remember the salespersons' First Law – People choose emotionally and justify their choices reasonably. Adapt your style to the other person, not in order to manipulate them, but in order to connect with them.

5. Make the other person feel validated. Don't make them feel wrong.

These are all effective ways to change someone else's mind, but the tricky part is that if any one of them goes wrong, the others won't be of much use. If you're a woman applying for a job and the interviewer is dead set on hiring a man, nothing else will matter - blind spots, prejudice, and ingrained biases are among the hardest things to overcome, and I'll explain why in a moment. On the other hand, a really skillful use of practical psychology might get you the job, especially if you can make him feel right about his decision. People do love to feel Right.

Let’s consider each of the five points a bit further.

1. Sincerity sucks. Be straight and truthful. Don't be manipulative.

You can't successfully sell other people on something you don't actually believe in. They may go along with you, either because they need to get along with you, or just to get you out of their face. Either way, you lose. That's why infomercials on television do everything they can to persuade you of their honesty. Testimonials, authority figures, before and after photos, and research data are called upon to make you believe that they aren't simply watching a commercial, even though they are. We shut out commercials instinctively because we know from experience that they are manipulative. We also put up our guard when a spruiker says, "I really believe in this product." The upshot is that you shouldn't try to be a master manipulator. It only works on weak-willed people, and in the end they are fickle allies, whom you covertly despise anyway -- “I wouldn't trust anyone who agrees with me.” Rely on your listener's natural ability to detect truth and sincerity. If you cannot be straight, take up some other line of work. Your own immortal soul is at stake.

2. Appeal to what someone else already believes. Don't even think of trying to impose your own belief system.

People identify with their beliefs, and they get to be right about them. That is the nature of Belief. If you've ever slammed the door when someone tries to offer you a religious pamphlet, or had the door slammed in your face when you went canvassing for a political party, you'll have felt the wall of aggression. In a different world, beliefs would be flexible and open to change, but that world isn't at hand. None of us has the time to test and try out every experience, so there's a lot that we don't know that gets covered up and bridged over by Beliefs. And we rely on our beliefs to survive our identity and opinions, most of which were formed by Beliefs in th first place. So you need to know what someone else really, truly believes. With that knowledge at hand, you can align your communication with their beliefs. You can talk to them in words and images that are relevant and meaningful to them and their version of reality. Without that knowledge, you are throwing darts at a brick wall. If you try instead to impose your own beliefs, the other person will feel that you are making him wrong, and immediate shutdown follows. If you have some power or control over them, they may pretend to submit to your will, but never underestimate the power and longevity of their inevitable “Won't”. Resentment can smoulder forever, and it will ignite and come back to burn you – sooner or later – you can bet on it.

3. Be aware of the other person's blind spots. Don't assume other people are as open-minded as you may be. In fact, assume they probably aren't, at least in the area you're working in.

A blind spot is a fixed opinion that is so strong, the person shuts out any and every input to the contrary. It's simply NOT THERE, and you pointing it out isn't going to enlighten the other person one iota. It's a supreme example of rigid thinking. Blind spots are a real problem for us, because they are positions we take on something, and we all have them. Now, here's where it gets really interesting... whenever we take a position on anything, we also take the opposite position (opposition) – hold the opposite view – but we won't admit to it right now. So when you're dealing with a blind spot – yours or someone else's – you're dealing with a half-truth, a denial, a lie. If you attack somebody's blind spot, you'd better be prepared for a dirty fight, a fight in which you will both switch sides without impunity if it suits your purposes in the moment. 

Your head should be spinning about now.

If you are self-aware, you know that you have your own blind spots, and you'll know exactly what they are - certain things you simply can't stand or that bring out your most stubborn reactions. There are also positive blind spots, as when a mother feels that her beloved child can do no wrong. 

No one, other than someone like me, announces their blind spots so, when dealing with others, you have to feel them out. Is the other person balking, contradicting you, trying to change the subject, crossing his arms over his chest, steepling his fingers, clearing the throat, or agreeing with you just a little too sincerely? Look for sure signs of shutting down, counter-attack or resistance, and you will generally be hitting close to another person's blind spots. It seems discouraging that almost no one has an open mind, but it's a fact of practical psychology that must be taken into account. Your task is to sensitively navigate through touchy topics and to appeal to the part of your listener that wants to agree with you.

4. In general, persuade through reason, not emotion. Don't assume that emotions aren't in play, however.

One of the most confusing aspects of persuasion has to do with being reasonable. Everyone thinks “I'm a reasonable person”, and decision-making is supposed to be rational. Yet psychological research has shown time and again that emotions are not separated from the choices we make, and no-one I'm aware of can do it. It helps me to sort this out by assuming that life Choices are made emotionally, while day-to-day Decisions are made rationally. It's not an absolute truth -- nowhere near it, but it helps to open up some space and sift through the tangle of naivety, pretence and deceit. 

 

Should you appeal to someone else's emotions? Unless the interaction is already emotionally charged and you have a personal relationship, the answer is generally no. You risk insulting their intelligence or coming off as being as manipulative as a used car salesman. To be persuasive, I always monitor the emotional atmosphere and argue rationally to help the other person justify his/her emotional choices. (It's worth noting too that competitive personalities regard a show of emotion as a sign of weakness - with them, you must muster all the rational reasons you can.) Some people can be persuaded by a show of emotion, but if you look a bit deeper, in those cases they either wanted to be persuaded, or agreed with you in the first place - think of the cheers at political rallies for a speech that would be greeted coldly if it was delivered to the other political party.

5. Make the other person feel understood. Don't make them feel wrong.

This point might win the prize for what gets ignored most often. Any time you bully somebody, lord it over them, use your position of authority, or act superior, you are making that person feel either inferior, excluded or downright wrong. Outside of an unhealthy Parent/Child relationship, no-one likes to feel put down. We all feel invalidated when we are judged against. Whether people agree with is or disagree with us, we feel validated when we are accepted, understood, appreciated, and approved of. (I've known at least three hugely successful politicians who built the success of their entire careers on making other people feel that they were the most important person in the room at that moment.) If you can make someone else feel accepted, you have established a genuine bond, at which point they will lower their defenses. If you push someone away instead // by making them feel wrong, their defenses will turn twice as strong.

These five points are really just elaborations on Ben Franklin's aphorism, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still," but they are worth learning and testing out if you want to be successful at getting others to change their minds.

Finally, I'm going to add a Sixth point you might want to contemplate if you aspire to successfully managing people. I learned it from my farming father and grandfather, men who – before the days of tractors - worked with horses and oxen. Efficiency and satisfaction is about putting together teams of individuals with differing strengths and skills, placing each of them where their particular strengths contribute most to the overall success of the job at hand.

The day of the Lone Ranger – It's my way or the highway – is dead. Thank God. But a few dinosaurs are still roaming the dark wilds of Ignorance. Be aware....

Here's a lesson I learned one remarkable night by torchlight on a visit to Zimbabwe. Every person in a tribe, and every tribe in the Zulu nation, has its own song. Rather than forsake individual songs to sing a unison anthem, how much richer is the experience of finding ways to meld and merge our songs into a new song in which everyone's voice, everyone's tempo and rhythm, everyone's language is merged into a new nd richer harmony....

[Southland Concerto – Hans Zimmer]

Have I changed your mind in some way? What have you got from the last 20-30 minutes?