DON'T LET YOUR GOALS GET IN THE WAY

Let's consider Goals for a minute or two. If there is something in your life that you want to change, something which you cannot let go of the need to change and allow to be as it is, you can set it up as a Goal.

You know the drill -- write down a list of those desired changes that you cannot allow to be as-is. Make sure to phrase each one in the Here/Now, and list only what you want, not what you are trying to avoid or get rid of. When you've done that, read each goal silently to your self, as if it is already done and happening. 

Now here's where slightly different approach kicks in: write down the first thought or feeling that comes to mind that is the opposite of accepting this goal as already having been accomplished. Then ask yourself, “Could I let that thought or feeling go?”

Continue being with each of your goals and asking “Could I let that negating thought or feeling go?” to each one until a feeling of release – “I can let it go and have this.” – settles on you. In the process of doing this, you demonstrate to yourself what you want in your life, and at the same time you will be dissolving the repudiative attachments and aversions that keep you tied up in limitation. Very importantly, this process will root out one of the biggest hidden spoilers that plague us all - our unwillingness to not-have what you want. That's right. Our unwillingness to NOT have what we want sends out the wrong messages. Unwillingness is an energy of unwillingness -- that's the message the universe gets.

When you try this new approach, you may also get a sense of how much of what you want, you already have.

Next, go back to the Need and ask your self – “What was the feeling I had before this need arose? What was the feeling I had, that I lost touch with when this need reared its head? Can I remember that feeling now?” Don't move on until you reconnect in some measure with the memory of the feeling you had immediately prior to when this need barged into your awareness, and you got involved with this "I don't have" crap instead.

Now ask this question – “Could I completely let go of wanting to create this [whatever your goal is] and rest contentedly in being whatever might be waiting beyond the creation?” In other words, I'm asking you to imagine the feeling you're heading for, and opening up the possibility of something even better than what you want. Are you game to be that free?

Then, make a list of things that have been created in your life so far – things you would classify as both wanted and unwanted. Accept, as best you can, the possibility that everything in your life has been, and is being created by your mind. Ask yourself – Could I allow myself now to accept this as a creation of my mind? Could I allow myself now to accept that wanting this is also just a creation of the same mind? Could I possibly let go of wanting this?

Now make these two statements to your self several times, until you become aware of the quite distinctly different feeling each one gives you ---

I want this. then I have this.

I want that. then I am that.

They feel quite different inside you when you say them out loud, don't they?

Lastly for now – ask yourself: Would I rather want happiness, or Be happiness? Would I rather postpone happiness until certain conditions are met, or will now be an OK time for me to be happy?

Let all your goals be a pointing of your intentions; affirmations of preferences that have already been put in train by a force that conspires with you.

Put out for what you want and love what you get, for no other reason than it hurts you when you argue with what is. 

Byron Katie says it best – “Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.” 

This has been another Postcard From Out Here. I'm Barrie Barkla.

[Save Me From What I Want – Dyson, Stringer, Cloher (A) – 4:36]

"I NEED YOUR LOVE".....

“I Need Your Love” is the well-worn theme of many a hit love song. But how does it feel – that “neediness”? Don't you feel an emptiness that you want this person to fill? Don't you feel some trepidation in case you don't get it? Don't you become some kind of slave for their approval? Do you start refacing, discarding and shrinking bits of your behaviour, re-ordering some of your value priorities, and changing some of your attitudes because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like an actor?

When you do any of that, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say "I love you," you can't believe it, because you know they're loving a façade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. There's no juice in that for you; it will eventually destroy your partnership. Have you never heard the phrase “He's not the man I married!?”

And consider this. Inherent in what you're doing is the thought “See how much I'm giving up for you?" Who in their right mind is going to want to have to carry that responsibility for the rest of their lives?

Yet it's almost a world-wide obsession to hunt down connection in this way, instead of just letting it come to you. And it spawns a toxic brew of Pretence and Deceit. 

In seeking to snare support and affection, you lose what is genuine, authentic and real. For both of you. Singles bars and speed dating are the best demonstrations I know of the kind of desperate pretending, and the lifelong prison of Loneliness we create for ourselves as we're out there searching for what we already have.

Wouldn't you really rather someone loved you for all that you are?

[All the Things You Are – Peter Sellers – 2:10]

HAPPINESS = CONTROL: A BAD IDEA THAT WENT VIRAL

For the first time since the field of psychology formally became a science, which was only a century ago, serious scientific attention is finally being paid to Happiness.

Previously, the focus was on the causes of unhappiness, and with good reason. Mental disorders inflict enormous misery, and clinicians wanted to find some kind of cure to alleviate people's suffering. Psychiatrists and psychologists are still devoted to this aim, and they still have a way to go, but room has been made to ask two fundamental questions: What is happiness, and is it possible to find lasting happiness?

Philosophers and mystics have had their own answers to those questions for thousands of years, but the jury is still out, so far as a professional consensus is concerned. 

 

One view is that happiness is fairly random and incidental - it comes and goes, without anyone predicting when it will happen.

Another view is that happiness needs to be redefined so that people don't chase after a fantasy of constant sunshine and bliss. Our expectations should be refurbished, with the aim of a state of grateful sufficiency.

Then there are super-optimists who maintain that the highest level of happiness is possible, but it is attainable only by locating a higher reality and establishing yourself there.
Finally, there are those who see that Happiness, like the air we breathe, simply is as much of an ever-present constant as the air we breathe. Just as we can choose to  hold our breath, refuse air, and go red in the face, so we can refuse Happiness, and go red, blue, green or whatever colour we like, wherever we like, but the atmosphere of Happiness remains as a constant option.

Given these very mixed messages, the vast majority of people ignore psychological theory, using their time and energy to carve out a workable, everyday kind of cotton-woolly painlessness, while in the back of their minds they're on the lookout for catastrophes that may destroy their happiness altogether – like natural disasters, poverty, crime, and disease. One reason that the field of "positive psychology" came into being is that this seat-of-the-pants approach to happiness doesn't actually work very well, and it's declining as we speak. So, thankfully, is the mind-gymnastics of positive psyching.

This is where a very ancient and bad idea reveals its presence. It holds that Control gives you happiness, and the more instruments of control you can wield, the happier you will be. I think this one dates back to our earliest times when we dwelt in caves, and is mirrored in everyone's life from the moment when we first thought “I could die right here and now”, the first fearful feeling that came with it, and we started inventing strategies to make those thoughts and feelings go away.

In the case of our Neanderthal ancestors, they attributed things over which they had no control (eg. weather, seasons and availability of food) to deities, and devised strategies and appointed representatives from among them, to intercede with the gods for favourable treatment, and placate any annoyances that we may have unintentionally caused the presumed endowers of bounty. 

 

In our own case as babes, we developed strategies for pleasing, and avoiding causing displeasure, to those whom we saw as essential to our survival and well-being. The common element that interests me in both perspectives is that we come from a ground being of needing to be able to control our environment, and being powerless to have much influence in that regard. Manipulation and Control became the name of the game.

In a sense, political, economic, and medical sciences, religions, social systems and such run on the idea that Control in the guise of "caring" = Happiness, but I think there's a problem inherent in every system. Every system I have examined generates its own myths and culture, and is blind to its own defects if you believe in the system. 

 

But what if Control was never the name of the game. What if we were fundamentally wrong about that? What if there's actually no such thing as control, outside of a desperate belief in it.

The real problem that I have with "control buys happiness" is twofold. First, it has not turned out to be true beyond a very limited point. As a child, I had no power whatsoever, the innate games had no effect at all on my father. I couldn't wait to get out from under him in order to have some autonomy and call the shots. Unfortunately, such a restricted upbringing gave me no training whatever in how to do it, and for 3 decades I stumbled around in the dark, bumping into the furniture. Then, about the time I discovered how to exercise some influence, I discovered it was a blind alley anyway.

Look, having enough power, influence and money to make things happen produces more creature comforts than living with the stress of disenfranchisement, poverty, and want. No argument - BUT - beyond a fairly modest state of financial and social security, the power of control over people's lives brings more stress and unhappiness than it's worth. And there's a further sting in the tail: power over another person is not something you have by right. It is given to you by those who want to be told what to do. And anything given to you can be taken away again. You can never be sure of it. And how on earth can you possible respect and trust someone who needs to lean on you? By the same token, if you don't give someone power over you, they don't have it.

Of course there are rich people who seem exceedingly happy, and poor people who seem the same. Did you see Kevin McCloud's astounding TV documentary exploring the Mumbai slum of Darabi? What an object lesson in debunking pet academic theories of social engineering!! And it kind of proves my theory, if you really care about your happiness more than your bank account or social standing, you shouldn't devote your life to the pursuit of wealth or power, no matter how much our society glorifies being rich and mythologises the wealthy and powerful as if they live in a paradise on earth.

The second reason that "control begets happiness" is such a bad idea is more subtle. Continually topping up your power base and calling the shots in your version of Tammany Hall prevents you from finding happiness another way. You're trapped in your own web.

I hold the minority position about happiness, the one that says lasting happiness already exists, and our ability to dwell in it depends on our state of awareness. I'm finding that, to access higher states of happiness, you must reach a higher state of consciousness. This puts do-gooders - control freaks with a halo - out of the running. Control corrodes the carer and rapes the cared-for. I'd go so far as to suggest that the absence of Control distinguishes Good Care from bad, phoney care. Bad care debilitates; good care empowers healthy self-reliance.

Those who pursue control over their environments and neighbours are not only chasing rainbows, but they are also actually still at the basic, densest level of Mere Survival, albeit a bit flashier and noisier. Controllers' egos have got them by the nose, and their ideas and concepts and beliefs about Happiness have to be proven right at all costs, again and again and again. A truly happy person doesn't worry about concepts and judgments of "right" or "wrong"; only what works. A happy person doesn't give a hoot about whether they're a millionaire or a pensioner. A truly contented person lives in “happy” as a full-time way of being. I learned this on the slopes of Mt.Etna in Sicily: a happy person watches the destructive lava flow across his land and sees a thriving vineyard and and olive grove a few years hence.

 

A similar view has been held for centuries by the world's wisdom traditions, and ironically, now seems a very good time to test it out. In the past, the average person was helpless in the face of natural disaster, poverty, plague and war. That's no longer true for millions of people who now have enough access to equilibrium in mind, body and spirit, a sense of authorship over their destiny, and opportunities to engage actively in social, political, spiritual and working life to be able to connect with happiness rather than simply try to avoid or anaesthetise pain.

It would be a shame to waste this golden opportunity by thoughtlessly adhering to bad ideas that don't serve you well. From the seed of this Control idea grow other bad ideas like “not being a member of a ruling elite means that you are an inferior person, a loser, or the idea that superiority and winning are everything”. Then there's the idea that you can use your money, power and position to buy so many glittery toys and distractions that these will constitute happiness, and so on. 

 

A truth I choose to explore, is that Happiness is an inner enterprise that is very different from the pursuit of power, influence, pleasure or the amassment of fortune. I'm also at a point where I suspect that the purpose of Life is for Happiness to get to know itself. No one should accept this as a given; it needs you to test it out personally. In the end, the message of the world's wisdom traditions is a call to find out the truth for yourself. It just helps to clear away the underbrush of untruths, and "control gets you power and happiness" is just that – a jungle of thistles and creepers that you won't be able to get out of.

Happiness is. Period. Whatever path you're on, happiness is closer to you than the end of your nose. But no-one's going to ram it down your throat. You do have to open your eyes and see it for your self.

[Happiness is the Road – Marillon – 9:58]

THE MESSENGER BOY & THE PETER PRINCIPLE

TIME OUT

THE MESSENGER BOY AND THE PETER PRINCIPLE

My hand was paused to click on the “Send” button. A lurking thought suddenly popped: “Don’t,” it warned. “You’re about to throw away your career on Adelaide community radio. She can make that happen. And for what? For a principle?”

Which was quite true. I had only just been elected to the Board of Directors of the radio station, and was now expected to endorse a letter of pure harassment to a member of staff, the most recent episode in a five-year campaign to oust a very efficient and effective book-keeper from the station. It was part of a culture of bullying that exists to this day in that organisation, and “I” couldn't stand by any longer. Instead of endorsing the action, I emailed the offending letter to the people who voted for me, saying “Enough! This has to stop now.” As far as I was concerned, my loyalty to the members trumped loyalty to a “board” -- a board that is charged with looking after members' wellbeing?

As it transpired, my values didn't matter a jot to anyone but me. The internal warning was accurate. The members didn't care. The word went out to Her Majesty's minions, I was removed from my radio show and blacklisted across every community station in South Australia as “a trouble-maker”. But in my mind I wasn’t walking away from a career; I was walking toward some definition of who I want to be, and I was standing up to someone who covertly and obsessively manipulates and controls the industry in this state. My impulsive rebellion was instinctive and fairly predictable for me. I despise bullies and standover thugs.

As it happens, I am now wandering in the wilderness for a while, but the time isn't wasted. With this lesson under my belt, I continue to follow a hidden, winding path of discovery that is working its way forward, apparently at random, but actually with its own knowing of where I need to go.

In India the “right” way for a person to go is known as their Dharma (as distinct from Karma. Karma is the process where we bring upon ourselves predictable and inevitable consequences of everything we say and do). Dharma is the flow and direction of our life journey. In Dharma, "right" means when we are in the flow, and the whole universe is conspiring to organise our way forward. To many people this sounds a bit cosmic-farty, and yet all of us can say, at one time or another, that things turned out in an unexpected way that was beyond our control. You have experienced moments like that. 

 

The biggest obstacle to finding your Dharma is your own ego. My blowup was certainly a clash of egos, “mine” against “theirs”. And the outcome was that mine got flattened. In an instant I lost a powerful opportunity to make a difference to people who are unable to sleep. But there was something more I needed to learn, and now I'm ready for it.

The hiatus has given me the chance reconnect in a new way with my daughter, and to travel to parts of Australia where everyone's daily activities in business, commerce, culture, education and social activities are fueled by the search for higher consciousness. The local media in that area actively reflect and support everyone's devotion to fulfillment and happiness and a world that works for everyone. There is a place for me there with my name already on it. I feel “at home”.

Our ego fumbles and stumbles to stay connected to our Dharma. Mind is just not up to the job, not on it's lonesome. We have to learn that our biggest allies along the way to higher consciousness are instinct, intuition, intelligence, staying true to yourself, standing up for your truth, and self-awareness. Our adversaries are pretence, deceit, naked ambition, blind competitiveness, jealousy, greed, self-importance, a craving for status, an addiction to control, and following second-hand opinions and beliefs as if they are your own truth.

Most people are divided between their allies and their adversaries – I certainly was, and must confess I still am sometimes, when I find myself in moments of struggle, like the episode I've recounted above. In fact, the delusion of separation is what causes the struggle. There is no separation - the bullies ARE me.

 

The ego is a permanent part of the self, and a valuable one – as the mechanism for receiving and delivering the messages. But when we believe ego's promises of a more comfortable life, and allow it to run the show, our worlds, inner and outer, shrink and become distorted. We lose our connections with Is-ness, Gratitude and Possibility. We start to live according to an image we are compulsively driven to protect rather than search for the connecting thread – the Dharma – that subtly hyphenates every experience and moment of our life.

What I'm learning from my present radio train wreck is that my allies and my enemies are figments of my own imagination that simply arise in my awareness for a while, and that none of them are anything more or less than facets of “I” and “Me” reflected back for my benefit. 

 

As the years pass, one quality – self-awareness – has become the ally I can rely on utterly, no matter whether I'm going through hard times or times of great fulfillment.

In fact, it's getting harder to tell the difference, and suffering is fading from the menu. Well, it was never real anyway......

TEN WORDS YOU REALLY DON'T WANT USED TO DESCRIBE YOU......

TIME OUT

TEN WORDS YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOURSELF

A couple years ago I listed a few ways you should never describe yourself. My list was based on a simple premise: it's awesome when people call you, say, an "authority," but describing yourself as an authority is ju-u-u-st a bit pompous, and actually casts a shadow of doubt across my day.

So are words like - “expert”, “experienced”, “popular”, “innovative”, “motivated”, “team-builder”, “leader”..... leave them out of your CV

[Show Me – Julie Andrew & John Michael King]

It's my preference that people find one or more of these sterling qualities in you from the results you have achieved up to date, and from the list of of opportunities you have taken  to create something new and vital in your past projects. I want you to demonstrate the fruits of your work, and let me come to my own conclusions about the difference you could make in people's lives now.

Also, and even more importantly, while it's great when people describe you a certain way, there are also ways people, including you, should never feel moved to describe you: I'm talking about cynical, controlling, anal, self-serving, critical, opportunistic, cocky, unsure, sympathetic or unforgiving. You need to get these qualities re-branded so that instead of working against you, their energy works for you.

Cynical

Dharmesh Shah says, cynics are toxic: "At a fundamental level cynics don't believe in goodness. They don't believe in the ability of other people to overcome, to rise up, and to achieve. And they don't believe in new ideas because, if nothing else, they don't believe in people (including themselves.)"

You don't want to be seen as cynical, but sceptical? That's cooler. As Dharmesh also says, "Sceptics like to look at data. They like to be convinced. They like to analyse, assess, measure, and draw their own conclusions--and in the process help transform a good idea into a great idea."

So what is the difference between “cynical” and “sceptical”? I think it's probably one of where you're coming from and of where you want to go. A cynic comes from a ground being of disenchantment and discontentedness and breathes mistrust and pessimism; a sceptic emanates an aura of practical optimism. A sceptic would like to see the thing work; the cynic would settle for a laugh of derision from his audience.

When you're seen as sceptical, smart people will naturally come to you for help in identifying and plugging the holes and polishing their ideas. When you're seen as cynical, smart people will naturally avoid you like the plague you are.

[Total Control – The Motels – 1:38]

Controlling

OK, you're pulling the strings. Sweet. Still, when a decision needs to be made, the best person to make a leadership decision is usually not you; it's the person closest to the issue. But for a controller, that's unlikely to happen. Controllers are very rarely good leaders. They recognise capable people, but see them as a threat and eliminate them from key positions. Controllers may allow a compliant underling to announce the call on their behalf. This way, if the idea works out, the controller will accept the plaudits: if it doesn't, the Controller will allow the underlings to take the fall. Controllers are political plotters and schemers, but rarely good decision makers. For one thing they tend to take advice from pliant sycophants and toadies.

While decisiveness is a quality of a good leader (and we'll talk about "unsureness" in a minute or three), one of the best ways to be decisive is to decide who is the right person to make a decision or take the lead. Many people would like to be topdog because they want to call the shots. Not a great qualifier. Great leaders don't see control as a reward, so as a result they usually aren't seen as controlling, except by underdogs who have an issue with real authority. An effective leader is, more often than not, a person who empowers and enables others to achieve and succeed. Controllers de-power everyone, including themselves.

Anal

Every business needs at least one person that ensures "i"s are dotted and "t"s are crossed. That's especially true for small business, since many entrepreneurs tend to be visionary and big-picture rather than lovers of properly tuned details.

But there's a huge difference between a person who is thorough, and a person who is anal, and that difference lies, again, in their motivations. Both want things to be done right, but while the thorough person wants things to be done the most productive and effective way, the anally retentive person wants things to be done the way he/she has decided they should be done.

Be thorough. Be comprehensive. Just make sure your detail-orientation is focused on processes important to effective results--not on making sure people follow procedures that are only important to you.

Self-serving

No one accomplishes anything worthwhile by themselves. Great leaders focus on providing tools and training and on creating the environment that best helps their colleagues succeed. Same with great consultants; they're great because they put client needs first. Great businesses do, too; they go out of their way to help and benefit their customers.

Great people put other people first and as a result then reap their own rewards. They inject life and energy into every project. Self-servers look for personal rewards every step along the way. And the rewards they look for very rarely have anything to do with the task at hand; they are meant to make up for the self-server's personal deficiencies. Self-servers suck energy out of the project; that's why working with them can be a frustrating and debilitating experience.

Being experienced as self-serving is the kiss of death for anyone hoping to create a spirit of collaboration and teamwork--and the eventual kiss of death for a career or business. Self-serving people are all too obviously only in it for themselves, which means that someday soon they will find themselves standing alone at a staff party.

Instead, work hard to earn the reputation of servant. You'll not only succeed professionally, but you'll also have lots of friends.

The surest way to lose friends is to be a critic. I don't know of a single monument anywhere in the world that's been erected to celebrate the life and work of critic. Do you?

[Look At You – Carl Stewart Band (A) – 5:34]

Critical

It's tempting to turn every possible teachable moment into a lesson. It's a lot harder to let people learn their own lessons, even though those lessons are the ones we all remember best. That's because criticism, especially public criticism, makes us focus on avoiding that criticism and not on improving a deficiency or weakness.

So leave your judgments aside and find ways to help others advance their skills and their careers. Be supportive, not critical.

And include yourself on the list of key people to support and train. Self-critical people are shit-scared that, if they relax their vigilance, they'll either do something terrible, or something terrible will happen to them. Not a good strategy for someone who'd like to live up to a tranquil old age.

Opportunistic/Situational

A decision that makes sense today should make sense tomorrow, and if that decision no longer makes sense or applies to a particular situation that's no longer current, the reasons should be communicated and steps taken to adjust.

But here's what often happens: Respect and trust are all-important unless the cost of a mistake is too big. (Then instead of copping to the mistake and making amends, we cover up and hope no one notices.) Behaving decently is all-important to us, unless the offender happens to be the topdog (officially or unofficially). (Then we decide that's just "Joe being Joe" and we should probably let it go.) Better to not rock the boat. Well, not a good idea. That kind of slackness will return to haunt you and slowly sap the life out of you, your integrity and your organisation. Hold people, especially yourself, as accountable for what is done in your name .

Being described as situational or opportunistic means people know you have multiple agendas, and they know that most of the time the most important agenda to you is your agenda, whichever one may be in play at the time.

Cocky

Cocky people think they're great, and they want you to think it, too. The difference between cocky and confident? You're right, psychologically they're opposites. Cocky people are loud and constantly seek attention to make up for deficiencies in self-esteem; confident people are comfortable in themselves, tend to be quiet and shy away from the spotlight because they don't need outside validation.

Cocky people tell others what to think or feel; confident people ask others what they think and feel. Confidants already know what they think, so they want to know what you think in order to get a bigger perspective.

Cockiness is irritating and off-putting. A quietly confident person automatically makes everyone feel more assured, because genuine confidence rubs off. Cockiness rubs too, but it rubs up the wrong way. (Chloe & Kelly, are you listening?)

[Oh My Me – The Firetree (A) – 3:14]

Unsure

Caution is often a virtue, but where leadership is concerned, caution should be relatively private. Fear, uncertainty, doubt--display those qualities too often as a leader and your team will become uncertain and doubtful, too. That's especially true when you're starting something new, transitioning from something old, or when times are tough.

When you aren't sure, DON'T over-compensate with over-the-top aggression (Failure is not an option is one of the more ludicrous examples of this kind of huff-and-puffery.)

Make Uncertainty a positive for your team. Use your concerns as a springboard for seeking research and advice. Explain your uncertainty to your team and ask for their input. Turn hesitation into a way to include and engage. When Uncertainty is seen as a natural part of most larger decision-making process, everyone understands and participates. They know what uncertainty feels like, and they'll appreciate some practice in creatively dealing with it. When you're floundering and appear confused you lose your team. Level with them.

In an inauthentic world, authentic people respond to authenticity. Inauthentic people? You're always going to be in trouble with them, especially those who have no awareness of just how inauthentic they are. They'll pretend to be on board, stab you in the back while it's turned, look the other way when responsibility shows up, and support the insupportable at every opportunity. With them, everything is personal.

Sympathetic

Surprised by this one? Here's why: Sympathy is OK, but Empathy is much finer. If you're sympathetic, you can understand my pain, but you'll hit your thumb with a hammer to show how much you love me. Fat lot of good that is! But when you're empathetic you can feel pain from your memories, but you won't jump into my pain. You'll stay off to one side and give me a couple of paracetamols, a glass of water and a cuddle--and that means you can stay grounded and help me through my pain.

Don't just offer a shoulder to cry on. Provide the help someone needs and support them in pulling themselves out of the pickle they're in. The difference between the definitions of "sympathy" and "empathy" may be lost on the person who's suffering, but the difference in how you treat them will be obvious. So will the results.

Unforgiving

Some leaders are widely considered and even celebrated as uncompromising, unrelenting, hard-nosed professionals.

Just don't turn maintaining high standards into a lack of willingness to forgive. Great employees will still make occasional errors. Even you will make mistakes.

So expect the best. And reward the best. But don't be afraid to forgive--because even the best occasionally fall short. Forgiveness is not weakness; it's uncommon sense. What you do when someone falls short makes all the difference. For that person, for your team, and for you.

I give the final word to Byron Katie – “Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What we need is a way to change the projector—our mind—rather than the other person (the screen) on which our self-image is projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realise where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.”

Bottom line = If you want to change the world, change yourself. It's that simple.

[If I Could Change the World – Eric Clapton -- 3:56]

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SWALLOW

Here's a thought I've hung out with quite a lot lately = I am not good enough, and I am being used, bullied, ignored, disrespected, treated unfairly........ I know this thought rather well; it has hung around me for almost as long as I can remember.

It's not real, of course, it's just my mind in play, interpreting what's happening, hitching onto my interpretation, and the feelings of hostility, anger , resentment and revenge that are sticking to it like flies on dead meat.

All of that is “me”, but none of it is what I truly am. “I” just thinks I am that, and then I become an effect, a victim in a continuing Greek tragedy that I'm making up around what's happening. But the “Me” that is dramatising and acting out all this stuff isn't real, so none of the drama could possibly be real either. Just a waking dream, like the one I had a few moments ago about being lost in a huge shopping/cinema complex, trying to find the toilet...... Then I woke up. No shopping centre, no crowds, not lost, just a need to pee.

Wake up. The story is bullshit, swarming with feelings like flies. Now, are you willing to finally let your favourite negative feelings complete themselves? Are you? Are you willing to stop playing out your mind's games and get on with enjoying life for its own sake? 

If you've finally had a gutful, look at what you've been swallowing.

[I Know an Old Lady – Burl Ives – 2:41]

YOU HAVE TO GET PERMISSION TO BE HAPPY

If you're having a bout of bad feelings, welcome to one aspect of the condition of being human! We get so aware of bad feelings they can obliterate everything else. To get things back into perspective, I find it helpful to remind myself that feelings (good or bad) are not who we are. We have a key to our house, too, but it's not who we are; it's just something we have. Same with thoughts and feelings.

So the first step out of any nightmare you're in, is to get that it is just that – a dream that is happening all by itself. You're aware of it right now, but it's not who you are.

Even when you identify your self with it, you only think it's who you are. Well if you insist, keep going. Give yourself a good dose of the horrors. But when you've had enough, remember you are not your dreams and fantasies, you are not even the dreamer or the fantasist. You are that which is simply aware of both the dreamer and the dreamer's dreams. As American blogger, Ivan M. Granger observed recently – We spend most of our lives striving so hard to earn our own permission to be at rest where we are -- when we could have done that all along.

If you truly want to be happy, you do have to get permission from the Happiness Keeper -- your self. If you aren't happy, you now know who to talk with....

I'll let Byron Katie have the last word on this one. It's from her book “Loving What Is” – It is easy to be swept away by some overwhelming feeling, so it’s helpful to remember that any stressful feeling is like a compassionate alarm clock that says, “Wake up, you’re caught in the dream.”

[Caught In the Crowd – Kate Miller-Heidke (A) – 3:35]