PAUSE
A MOMENT
BEAT THE
BULLYING
Good
evening. Welcome now to Pause a Moment. My name is Barrie Barkla, and
tonight I will explore with you a subject dear to my heart –
Bullying. Are you a bully, or a Victim? Well, the short answer is
“Yes. Both.” If you get that – good. Find something else to do
for the next 40 minutes. If not – come with me – I'll show you...
Bullying
is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived
power imbalance. For behavior to be classified as “bullying”, it
must be repeated, or have the potential to be repeated, over time.
The behaviour, though almost as old as life on earth, is
reprehensible in a civilised society because both those people who
are bullied and those who bully others are desperately unhappy
and may develop serious,
lasting, even fatal health problems.
[Van
der Valk – City of Prague Philharmonic]
Interestingly
I think, the word "bully" was first used in the 1530s
meaning "sweetheart", applied to either sex, from the Dutch
boel = "lover,
brother". Bullying as an expression of Love? Now there's a
subject for contemplation!
The meaning of “bully” deteriorated
through the 17th century through "fine fellow", to
"blusterer", to "harasser of the weak". This may
have been as a connecting sense between "lover" and
"ruffian" as in "protector of a prostitute".
Psychologically, bullying partly has its roots in sorting the social
pecking order. Contenders for the topdog positions of alpha male and
female compete in fights and dispays of aggression. Primitive
stuff, based on aggression, sexual dominance and sheer survival of
the loudest poser.
Bullying
in the modern sense is
the use of force, threat, or coercion
to
abuse,
intimidate,
or aggressively impose domination over others. The behavior is
repeated and habitual, and it's addictive – especially for the
bully, but sometimes also, I contend, for the person being bullied. One
essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others,
of an imbalance of social or physical power.
Behaviours used to maintain that imbalance and assert domination
can include verbal harassment
or
threat,
physical assault,
emotional and social manipulation or
coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular
targets. Targets are chosen either for their perceived threat to
the bully's position or self-esteem, or because they're weak enough to make a safe
demonstration of power to the mob. Justifications and
rationalizations for such behavior sometimes include differences of
class,
race,
religion,
gender,
sexuality, moral or social values,
appearance,
behavior,
strength, size or ability.
If
bullying is done by a group, it is called “mobbing”."Targets"
of bullying are conveniently referred to as "victims" of
bullying.
[On
the Inside – Lynne Hamilton]
Direct
bullying, in schools and closed institutions particularly, involves a
great deal of physical
aggression,
such as shoving and poking, throwing things, slapping, choking,
punching and kicking, beating, stabbing, pulling hair, scratching,
biting,
scraping, and pinching. Direct bullying was brought vividly to life
in William Golding's book “Lord of the Flies”
Social
aggression or indirect
bullying is characterised by attempting to socially
isolate the
target. (Watch
out for him – he's Trouble) This
isolation is achieved through a wide variety of techniques, including
spreading gossip,
refusing to socialise with the target, spreading derogatory gossip
about and bullying other people who appear to socialise with the
target, and criticising
the
target's manner of dress, (Hijab), behaviour, demeanour and other
socially-significant markers (including the target's race, religion,
disability, sex, or sexual preference, etc.). There's also an armoury
of nonviolent behaviour which can be considered "indirect
bullying", such as name- calling, the silent
treatment,
arguing
or flattering others into submission,
manipulation,
gossip/false gossip, lies,
rumors/false
rumors,
staring,
giggling, laughing at the target, saying certain words that trigger a
reaction from a traumatic past event, and mocking. Beware a bully who
wants to be friends with you – bullies have one hidden agenda, and
one only = Control.
[Beautiful
Friendship – Joe Chindamo & James Morrison]
In
order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and
include an imbalance of power and repetition:
- An Imbalance of Power: People who bully use their superior power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, position in the organisation, or popular support—to control or harm others. Power struggles can get complicated because supremacy imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people. For example, I was bullied during the week at school by kids who were my friends at Sunday School. I couldn't understand that -- I didn't learn about duality for another 40 years.
- Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once, or have the potential to happen more than once.
- emotional (sometimes called “relational”),
- verbal, and
- physical.Adult bullying typically adds to the crude childhood and teenage mix of powermongering // quite subtle methods of coercion and intimidation, such as guilt-tripping, depowering by helping, and isolating socially, financially and emotionally. Really adept bullies can ply their obnoxious trade without their enablers and even their victims even realising they're being done like a Sunday dinner.
Bullying
ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex controlling in
which the bully may have one or more "lieutenants" -
enablers who seem to be willing to allow or assist the primary bully
in his or her activities, or at least even look the other way while
it's going on. Bullies recruit willing drones who are consciously
attracted to the bully by the promises of something they want and
unconsciously by similar emotional baggage (eg. Bored and Lonely)
A
bullying
culture can
develop in any context in which human beings interact with each
other. This includes school,
family, the workplace,
home, and neighbourhoods. Bullying within the ranks of school,
institutions and the workplace is also referred to in polite academic
circles, themselves hotbeds of bullying, as “peer abuse”. In a
2012 study of male adolescent football players, the strongest
predictor of a bully-in-the-making was the perception of whether the
most influential male in a player's life would approve of the
bullying behavior.
Sub-groups of Bullying behaviour include, but are not limited to –
- Verbal bullying – saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
- Teasing
- Name-calling
- Inappropriate sexual comments
- Taunting
- Threatening to cause harm
- Social bullying, sometimes referred to as “relational bullying”, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
- Leaving someone out on purpose
- Telling other children not to be friends with someone (incl. their own mother)
- Spreading rumors about someone
- Embarrassing someone in public
Parents
who may displace
their
anger, insecurity, or a persistent need to dominate and control, upon
their children in excessive ways have been proven to increase the
likelihood that their own children will in turn become overly
aggressive or controlling towards their peers.
Parents,
if you suspect that your own children may be engaging in bullying
activities amongst their peers, you should carefully consider your
own contribution to the setting. Do you typically motivate your peers
and your children with positive and self-confidence building
incentives, or do you attempt to motivate your peers and children
with character denigration, or certain "threats" of one form of "punishment"
or "reprisal" or another (emotional or physical blackmail)
(Here comes a
policeman!)
[Whistle
While You Work – Marty Gold]
Workplace bullying
Bullying in the workplace includes repeated verbal
abuse, health-harming mistreatment, withholding of approval, affection, positive feedback, or conduct which is threatening,
humiliating,
harrassing, intimidating, or sabotage
that
interferes with someone's work, or some combination of the above.
Statistics show that bullying is 3 times as prevalent as illegal
discrimination
and
at least 1,600 times as prevalent as workplace
violence.
Statistics also show that while only one employee in every 10,000
becomes a target of workplace violence, one in six experiences
bullying at work.
Unlike
the more physical form of school
bullying,
workplace bullying often takes place disguised as well-meaning/justified responses to trumped-up charges of insubordination -- within the established rules and
policies of the organization and society. Such actions are not
necessarily illegal and may not even be against the organisation's
regulations; however, the damage to the targeted employee and to
workplace
morale is
very real. Workplace bullying is more of a social and political
problem than a legal one. Some bullies are very clever at staying
within the rules. Everyone knows what they're up to, but standing up
to them is just too difficult. Experienced bullies can even take you
to court and win.
As the verb to bully is defined as simply "forcing one's way aggressively or by intimidation", the term may generally apply to any life experience where someone is motivated primarily by intimidation instead of by their pretended goals, such as mutually shared interests and benefits. As such, any figure of authority or power which may use intimidation as a primary means of motivating others, such as a neighbourhood "protection racket don", a national dictator, a childhood ringleader, a terrorist, a terrorist organization, or even a conniving control freak, could rightfully be referred to as a bully. No matter how old we get, we each face the possibility of being bullied any day of our lives.
- Cyberbullying - Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.
- Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
- Hitting/kicking/pinching
- Spitting
- Tripping/pushing
- Taking or breaking someone’s things
- Making mean or rude hand gestures
Where and When Childhood Bullying Happens
Childhood
Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported
bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage
also happens in places like on the playground, in the streets or on public transport. It can also
happen on
the Internet.
Studies,
and my own experience, have shown that envy,
resentment or overwhelming guilt
are three common
motives for bullying. Research on the self-esteem
of
bullies has produced contradictory results (not surprising if you
think about it). While some bullies are arrogant
and
narcissistic,
other bullies also use bullying as a tool to conceal shame
or
anxiety
or
to boost a rotten self-esteem: by demeaning others, the abuser feels
empowered. I know bullies who act out of jealousy,
and others (like me) who bully because
they themselves are bullied. Underdogs become topdogs, and wreak more
havoc than their mentors ever did. Some have argued that a bully
reflects the environment of his home, repeating the model he learned
from his parents. There's a lot of anecdotal evidence for that!
Depression
and
personality
disorders,
as well as quickness to anger
and
to use force can lead to bullying. So can addiction
to
aggressive
behaviors,
mistaking others' actions as hostile, obsession with preserving self
image (I've
been maligned),
and engaging in obsessive or rigid actions. A combination of any of
these factors can be a cocktail lethal to one's equanimity. In one
recent study of youth, a combination of antisocial traits and
depression was found to be the best predictor of youth violence,
whereas video game violence and television violence exposure were not
predictive of these behaviors.
Bullies
are often found to be inclined toward negativity and perform poorly
academically; although I'm loth to speculate whether those drawbacks
are the cause or the effect of their condition. Probably both.
Certainly, a typical bully has trouble organising themselves,
resolving problems with others and also has trouble academically. He
or she usually has negative attitudes and beliefs about others, feels
negatively toward himself/herself, comes from a family environment
characterised by conflict and poor parenting, perceives school as
negative and is negatively influenced by peers.
Contrarily,
some researchers have suggested that some bullies are
"psychologically strongest" and have "high social
standing" among their peers, while their targets are
"emotionally distressed" and "socially marginalised".
Other researchers also argued that a minority of the bullies, those
who are not in turn bullied, "enjoy going to school, and are
least likely to take days off sick".
At
the other end of the scale, a typical victim is likely to be
passive/aggressive, lack social skills, think negative thoughts, experience
difficulties in solving social problems, come from a negative family,
school and community environments and be noticeably rejected and
isolated by peers.
It
is often assumed that bullying behavior has its origin in
childhood. As a child who is inclined to act as a bully ages, his or
her related behavior patterns may also become more sophisticated.
Schoolyard pranks and "rough-housing" may develop into more
subtle activities such as administrative end-runs, planned and
orchestrated attempts at character
or career assassination,
or other less obvious, yet equally forceful forms of coercion.
Research
indicates that adults who bully have authoritarian
personalities,
combined with a strong need to be in control or dominate.
But that doesn't stop some bullies from appearing in the guise of a
Victim == what I call the Dominant Victim. Watch sickly pipsqueaks
who seem to have everyone walking on eggshells and running at their
beck and call. Jewish and Italian mothers have enshrined these
monsters in every music-hall comedian's lexicon of jokes. Despite
pretences to the contrary, Controllers have little empathy or respect
for anyone else, especially those who cover and do their dirty work
for them. To a bully, even disciples are expendable.
Of typical bystanders (The Stephen Syndrome)
[I'll
Stand By == Tommy Dorsey]
Often
bullying takes place in the presence of a large group of relatively
uninvolved bystanders. In many cases, it is the bully's ability to
create the illusion
that he or she has the support
of the majority present that instills the fear of "speaking
out" in protest against the bullying activities being observed
by the group. Make no mistake, bystanders bear equal personal responsibility for the bullying: their inaction enables it. Unless the "bully mentality" is effectively
challenged in any given group in its early
stages, it will usually become an accepted, supported, norm
within the group, and damn near impossible to root out later. The
group will eventually self-destruct, but what damage is done in the
meantime?
In
groups where the "bully mentality" has been allowed to
become a dominant factor in the environment, injustice and abuse
often become regular and predictable parts of the group experience.
Bystanders to bullying activities are often unable or unwilling to
recognize the true costs that silence regarding the bullying can
have, both to the target or targets, and to the group itself. Bystanders
often feel unwilling to empathize with the target, regardless of
their personal feelings towards that person and/or the bully. The
reversal of a culture of bullying within a group is usually an effort
which requires much time, ruthless energy, careful planning,
coordination with others, dogged persistence on the part of the
cleaning squad, and the undertaking of real "risk" by group
members.
It
is this general unwillingness of bystanders to expend these types of
commitment and energies, and to undertake this type of risk that
bullies safely rely upon in order to maintain their power. Unless
action is taken, a "culture of bullying" is often
perpetuated within a group for years, or longer. Passive bystanders
are accountable, and must be held accountable for their passivity. But who will bring them to book?
Bystanders
who have been able to establish their own "friendship group"
or "support group" have been found to be far more likely to
speak out against bullying behavior than those who have not. Lone rangers have little or no chance against an entrenched bully
culture. If you can't get support, better leave it to the natural
processes of evolution.
[Walk
Away – Leticia Maher(A) – 3:36]
Effects of bullying on those who are targeted.....
There's hard evidence that individuals, whether child or adult, who are persistently subjected to abusive behavior, are at risk of stress related illness which can sometimes lead to suicide. Those who have been the targets of bullying can suffer from long term emotional and behavioural problems. Bullying can cause loneliness, depression, anxiety; it can lead to low self-esteem and increased susceptibility to illness. Bullying has also been shown to cause maladjustment in young children, and targets of bullying who also became bullies themselves exhibit even greater social difficulties. In the long term it can lead to post traumatic stress disorder and an inability to form relationships.
Except
sometimes.......
Despite
the fact that the majority of those who may find themselves to be the
targets of bullying behavior may ultimately feel "harmed"
by such targeting, I have to say that, in my own case (and there are
studies that support this), some potentially positive outcomes have
resulted from bullying behavior. The experiences have made me a more
effective, compassionate counselor than I might otherwise have been,
and certainly a bully with half a brain will think twice before
taking me on; I've been taught how to do it by experts, and I can
recognise a coward when I see one. As a result of my having been
targeted with bullying behavior by individuals and groups who were
always faster, stronger and bigger than me, I have learned how to be
smarter and better at it than they are.
Some
former bullying "targets" actually experience being
"enabled", through being bullied, to develop various
coping strategies which include "standing up for themselves"
in ways which act to "re-balance" former imbalances of
power. I had an incident on a recent visit to Melbourne where a taxi
driver rode right over me when he discovered I only wanted to go
locally. I had him groveling within 30 seconds flat, and got a free
taxi ride to boot. Other former bullying targets have reported to me
such things as "becoming a better person" as a result of
their former bullying ordeals. My son is one of those – because his
father was famous at the time, and he was just a wisp of a kid
wearing external braces on his teeth, he copped a terrible time at
school – so much so that we had to take him out of that kind of
environment and put him into a special school.
[Teach
Your Children – The Vitamin String Quartet]
The
teaching of anti-bullying coping skills to "would-be-targets"
and to others has been found to be a very effective long term means
of reducing bullying incidence rates and a valuable skill-set for
becoming adults.
It also makes them less likely to be Bystanders to Bullying in the
future.
Intervention
Despite
the large number of individuals who do not approve of bullying, there
are very few who will intervene on behalf of a target. Most people
remain bystanders,
and accept the bullying or even support the bully. In 85% of bullying
incidents, bystanders are involved in teasing the target or egging on
the bully. As a kid, the only time I felt one-ness with my age peers
was when we were all bent on harassing someone else for a change. I
can even remember his name – Geoff Widdison. That's an underdog
part of me I'm ashamed of.
But it points up a harsh reality I've had
to deal with recently -- when the bully
encounters
no negative response from observers, it encourages and enables the bullies to
continue their behaviour. In my own hamfisted way I stood up for
a victim, looked around for support, and could only hear colleagues
hissing at me to bob down and shut up. I didn't, and I was sacked.
But I can still look at myself in the mirror. At my time of life I
need to be able to do that, more than be liked by non-interventionists.
There
are many reasons why individuals choose not to intervene. They may be
relieved that the target of a normal and generally-present danger is
someone else; they may take vicarious
satisfaction
in witnessing the bullying – they're safe from prosecution; they
may have been taught the truism that “people get what they deserve
and deserve what they get"; or they may worry that they risk
becoming the next target if they intervene. Also, an intuitive
understanding that others will be similarly unwilling to assist them
if they do become the next target likely strengthens their
motivation to stay out of it – “this
is between you two. Don't involve me.”
Chronic bullying cycle
While
on the surface, chronic bullying may appear to be simply the actions
of an "aggressor" perpetrated upon an unwilling "targeted
individual", on a certain deeper level, for it to succeed, the
bullying-cycle necessarily includes a certain chronic inadequate
response on the part of the Target. That is, a response that is seen
by both the bully and the target as insufficient to prevent the
chronic bullying-cycle from repeating itself between the same or
other individuals. A culture of “it's OK to bully – that's
just the way I am. If you don't like it bugger off” settles
into the landscape.
A
suitable response to any given attempt at bullying varies with the
occasion, and can range from ignoring a bully to turning a coercion
around so that it makes a "coercee" out of the would-be
coercer – a Victim out of the Bully. You may even resort to
summoning legal intervention – that's what my friend was finally
forced to do. In this last option, however, be aware that you are
seeking legal redress for what is essentially a political problem.
You may get legal redress, but the exertion of power may still not
stop; it may take another form. Even the torturous legal process is
itself still a “win” for the bully.
In
any case, the targeted individual must necessarily somehow
demonstrate to the would-be bully that she will not allow her self to
be daunted, intimidated, or otherwise "cowed" by the bully.
Those individuals or groups who are capable of reacting to initial
bullying attempts in ways that tend to sufficiently discourage
potential bullies from repeated attempts are less likely to be
drawn into this destructive cycle. On the flipside, those individuals
or groups who most readily react to stressful situations by
perceiving themselves as "victims"
tend to make the most suitable candidates for becoming the next
"targets" of chronic bullying.
Under
some circumstances, targets may be chosen in what may be a completely
random or arbitrary process, especially in groups in which the "bully
mentality" may already be dominant within the group. In such
groups, the defense mechanisms of the entire group have already been
"broken down", and therefore the targeting of individuals
no longer requires either the seeking out of "certain
personality types" to become the "next target", nor
the need for the bullies to get the compliance of the also-rans to
move on to fresh meat – acquiescence can be taken for granted. The
reversal of such chronic and well entrenched bullying behavior in
such groups sometimes requires a much more carefully planned,
coordinated, determined, and multi-individual response from a
would-be target than in a group in which either the "bully
mentality" may not (yet) prevail, or ideally in a group that may
have already taken a pro-active preventative approach towards
bullying.
The
Victim, the Bully, the Lieutenants and the Also-Rans each and
severally bear equal culpability for the culture. The cycle is only
set in motion when both aggression and compliance elements are
present. Once both of these two elements manifest themselves, the
bullying cycle often proceeds to feed on itself over time, and may
last for months, years, or even decades.
The
cycle is most easily broken at its initial onset; however, it can
also be broken at any later point in its progression by simply
removing either one of its two essential ingredients – the
Aggression or the Submission. While group involvement may seem to
complicate bullying activities, the act is most often an implied
agreement in principle between a chief bully or instigator and the
target that the one has "submitted" to the other. In the
act of bullying, the bully attempts to make a public statement to the
effect of: "See me and fear me, I am so powerful that I have
the ability to inflict pain upon any intended target at the time and
manner of my choice without having to pay any consequences".
Should an intended target exhibit a "defeated or submitted attitude" in
response to chronic bullying, then the bullying is likely to
continue. In circumstances where a "bullying pattern" has
not yet fully established itself, should the intended target respond
with a clear attitude of self-confidence that somehow demonstrates
that the bully's attempt to dominate is futile, then the bullying
attempt will often quickly diminish or end altogether. Most bullies
are cowards in predator costumes. Established patterns of bullying
may require greater and more persistent effort to reverse.
Institutions and organs of society often reinforce bullying, often by
implying to, or telling targets of bullies, that they are responsible
for defending themselves, and then discouraging targets if they fight
back.
[Healing
Sleep Music – Deep Sleep]
I'm
a big believer in Balance; I see it everywhere. Researchers call it
the Just-World
Belief Theory. I predict a
decline in bullying attitudes.
I find that my grandchildren do seek to understand, justify, and
rectify the different injustices they come across in everyday life. I
see them thinking for themselves and treating socially accepted
behaviour with healthy suspicion. I find more and more people,
through organisations like Get-Up, Change.Org and Fair Work, are
demanding to know what's being done in our name, and rallying to put
a stop to the bullying behaviour of so-called defence or protective
forces, and the coercive abuses of political and religious power.
The
bullies are on notice. But understand that some of them are just too
thick to read the sign – A bully's life doesn't work. The
more you can do to drive that message home, the happier and freer you
will become. When anyone steps over your boundaries, kindly and
firmly let them know and, from a position of quiet strength, suggest
that they “back off”, or words to that effect.
[No
More Blues – The Idea of North (A) – 3:50]
