I
was scanning blogs this week when a subheading caught my eye with a
resounding “Me too”.... It was from an article written by mother
and businesswoman, Naomi Simson. She said, “What I want is for
my children to have respect, take
responsibility, and be resilient.”
We
live in a time like no other: the speed at which my grandchildren can
find what they want to know on their Dad or Mum's computer and
smartphone is breathtaking. But parenting in this age of ultra-fast
electronic connection and mega messages has its own set of
challenges. How do we balance these high-tech toys with learning
low-tech necessities like self-knowledge, self-esteem,
self-realistation, self-reliance and self respect? How do we uncover
and nurture our children's low-tech resources in sufficient time to
enable them to use their high-tech tools constructively and
creatively?
How
do we help them negotiate the turbulent white waters of adolescence
without getting terminally snagged on the hidden branches of disillusionment with "grownups" or marooned on
the rocks of rebellion against inadequate parenting?
How
do we help them navigate and graduate from childhood to adulthood, marking not
only the successful realisation of essential knowing, skills and
strategies, but also initiate them into the secrets and
responsibilities of intellectual and emotional maturity?
Our
ancestors had the advantage of enculturated tribal mentoring from
parents and tribal elders. They had their stories, their songs and their elders to give them a sense of belonging to something far greater than them selves. They marked the time of transition with
initiations and rites of passage. I vividly remember a visit to Zimbabwe about 25 years ago during which I
was privy to some of the male and female rituals and dances of the
Zulus. Australian aboriginal tribal life places heavy importance on
the education and mentoring of their children in the lore and songs
of their ancient national Cultures, culminating in a rite-of-passage
Initiation that marks the end of childhood and the beginning of
adulthood. By contrast, it seems that in a vacuum of parental
spiritual ignorance and neglect, we are left with a social abortion that some young people mark with the self-degrading spectacles of Schoolies Week. If that's our major national celebration of attainment, we're in deep shit.
When
I transgressed what was expected of me, my father would yell a lot,
give me a shocking thumping, then send me to my room to discipline
me. It's debatable whether that strategy worked then; it certainly
doesn't work on today's teens. Physical violence has been outlawed
(thank God!) and sending a teenager to his or her room just gives
them time without interruption to keep doing what they do on Tumblr, Twitter and
Facebook.
But the need for boundaries and guidance is still there, and teens want it. Teenagers
don't need "friends" sleeping together in the front bedroom; they already have heaps of friends. Kids need parents to Parent them.
They need our guidance and values, they need to be coached, and they
need us to listen to them. As a grandparent, simply being present and in my
children's world, often on the floor playing their games, works a
treat when they are small, but when they reach their teenage years, life changes. As our kiddlies grow up, we have to grow up, too!
I
have heard many parents say, "I just want my kids to be happy." What a pathetic cop-out that is! “Happiness” has
two modes of being, neither of them requiring any particular skill or effort. One mode has Happiness as a Context for living,
and the other defines Happiness as one of the Contents of living. As
content, Happiness is one of the many human emotions. So the best these "parents" can muster is to want their kids to live on a single-emotion diet? No variation? Nothing but "happy" -- forever? With that kind of parental aspiration, I'm not surprised kids look to drugs; I wonder how could they not??!!
As Context,
Happiness is the quality of space in which we do everything we do,
say everything we say, and feel whatever we feel. To put it another
way – if I'm chopping wood, I can do it Happily, or some other way;
if I'm arguing for renewable energy, I can argue out of Happiness to be involved, or some
other way; if I'm feeling sadness, I can chose to be happy to
experience the depth, the breadth and the emotional shades of sadness. Happiness is not some eventual outcome or a destination.
Never was; never will be. Happiness is one of the available modes of
transport that we can select to get us from A to Z. Happiness has the advantage of
being natural, bright and green, whereas its opposites are unnatural, darker and
toxic.
The
experience of happiness is available as a natural consequence of so many unqualified actions including
gratitude and helping others; but some people get a kind of happiness
from ingratitude and making someone's life a misery. What I want for
my teenagers is for them, along the way, to have and cultivate
self-respect,
-responsibility
and
-resilience.
That opens up a space of happiness in and around them, in which everyone can bask.
What a difference!
I
find with my children and grandchildren that if they have a sense of
purpose, stick at it and work toward something that innately
challenges and extends them, then they will be in a vastly richer
emotional space than just "being happy."
The
difficulty is how to teach teenagers resilience in the age where they get what they want too easily. My strategy is to care-fully refuse immediate
gratification, and to let them fail. I contend they need to learn to - sometimes - trade
gratification for a greater reward. For their own wellbeing they need to learn how to bend with pressure, and pick
themselves up after a fall without demanding to sue the pants off someone or something in retaliation. Entitlement has no validity without corresponding responsibility. Life is not perfect and too often as parents we try to cosset our kids in a perfect world, like driving them to school just
because it is raining. This can be so hard as a parent: we want
everything to be just perfect for our precious small-people, but for them
to be truly happy and satisfied they need to experience what it takes to struggle and achieve in a
world that is deliberately NOT perfect..
Here's
part of how Naomi Simson has done it --both
of her children were granted a Rite of Passage Year.
If
you can, consider what kind of denotative event or definable series of
experiences would signify your child/grandchild earning the right to
transit from childhood to adulthood. Let them earn the right to be treated as an adult. Plan something like a
significant challenge, a trip, a volunteering project, a school
exchange to another country? Make it something that requires them forgoing something else; an activity into which they have to put creative engagement and time. Many cultures celebrate a moment in time
where certain rituals identify this change. But as a society we seem
to have dropped something that was quite useful and culturally
important and let everything slide into the realm of Chance. I'm guilty of that -- I didn't know any better at the time. My son made it through on his own; my daughter was not so fortunate. I'm now making amends to both of them: this much at least I owe them.
The
timing of this Rite of Passage is important. Certainly before age 12 is way too
early, and anytime else after 21 is probably way too late, unless the
candidate has been on another planet for a decade or more.
Naomi
and her partner made a statement to both their daughters on their
14th
birthdays: "After
your rite of passage year this year, on your 15th birthday you will
be a "young adult" and we will no longer treat you as a
child."
This included them taking responsibility for their finances, their
choice of school, education and courses. This triggered for us
parents a specific change in our language. We no longer would tell
them
what to do. We would ask
them
what they were doing. We became their coaches.
“The
shift to Asking also helped us listen, and respect the choices they
made. This was a massive step in how we parented, and we did not get
it right all the time. But having this as a formula helped guide us.”
I
applaud this strategy in families where competent and informed
parenting up to the age of 8 has set a firm foundation for rounding
temperament into personality, and given an adequate start in
developing social skills and style that work.The groundwork can't be overlooked. If that hasn't been done, then you need to wind back and get it done.
Adults have the right to choose, decide and experiment. But teenagers need a chance to practice those skills under the protection of family. Some
of the questions I have asked to help my grandkids make
conscious choices include, "What do you think it means to be a
Barkla?", "If you do this, what impact might it have on
others?", “If you choose to go down this path, how do you
think it will affect how you see yourself developing as a man? How do you think it will affect others? Do you care? ” OK,
so some of my questions are are bit gauche ; I am still something of
a novice at this, but it seems to be way ahead of what I
was given when I was growing up. And, now 23, my grandson actually said to me
the other day “I could hear what you would say to me...” and I
feel pretty pleased about that.
As
they grow in years, our bairns fill their lives with more and more
content, often bobbing chaotically on flushes of hormones and emotion
without any conscious context to give it substance. Help them.
Structure downtime into each day for them. For example, make dinner time about
sharing food and conversation; don't allow electronic devices at the
dinner table. Nurture face-to-face connection. Let them feel where the ground is as often as you can.
And discipline does not mean "Go
to your room until you get it!" This isn't about blind obedience. We're after self-discipline here, so I ask instead, "What do you think should be
the consequences for what you have done?" It is often surprising
what they come up with – and it's another chance to check in with
what is going on in their heads.
Being
a parent is a great job, and forever challenging, and just when you
think you've got it sorted, one of them will throw you a curve-ball.
Kids keep reflecting parts of you that you never realised before –
or at least not in a long time.
There
is a lesson in parenting here that I learned from my son – move from telling to asking and keep your eyes
and ears peeled for what shows up.
And
drop your fear of not being the perfect parent. No matter how much
they roll their eyes and answer you back, kids hear everything they
appear to ignore, and will forgive just about everything, as long as
they know they can rely on you to step up and parent them, and be the ever-present cheer-squad, and hero when they need one.
They
need to know that.
