HOW TO GET LUCKY

HOW TO GET LUCKY

The entire field of business and government has been studied and analysed to the point that, from the viewpoint of a rationalist, they look like rational enterprises – except for some unexplainable “sometimes”. But when you ask CEO's and other leaders in both fields how they got where they are, the most common answer is a non-committal shrug of "luck" for which they're stumped for a reason.  Looking back on their careers, they see — and often marvel — that at key moments they just happened to be at the right place at just the right time.

If we are being mathematical, Luck implies randomness, which means that success could just be random, too. And there's no shortage of people who feel un-lucky who''ll avow the randomness of it all. Knowing what I now know as I look back on life and the timeline of evolution so far, I agree that there's a lot of randomness going on. But that's not the whole of it.......

When you engage with Randomness, and look at it in a wider perspective, it seems to have some a sense of direction. There's a knowing somewhere that seems to know what it's doing. But it only becomes discernible when you become aware of...........

SYNCHRONICITY

Syn (Greek) = with; together

Chronos (Greek) = time.

So Synchronicity means that one thing is”with” another - together in time and context. When there's Synchronicity, there are two or more states of being co-inciding and so creating a Coincidence, in which more than one thing improbably and unpredictably happens in close proximity with another, whether that proximity be in spaces of time, feeling, state of mind or conscious awareness.

Just lift your head for a moment and look outside your window. A neighbour is walking past, a clock is ticking in your kitchen, there is a faint aroma and a lingering taste of your last meal, a bird is pecking at the lawn, an ant is scurrying across the path -- a blindingly infinite number of same-time Synchronicities are happening all around us at every moment. We are blinded to them, however, by our lack of prior experience of the events, or by the limitations of what's relevant to whatever we're currently focused upon to the exclusion of all else, and also by what we expect. A simple example of this is when we fail to recognise someone who is actually quite familiar to us, simply because we've only ever seen that person in another completely different context. Another is the famous story that American Indian medicine men did not see Columbus' three ships when they anchored. Because they had never seen a ship before, they did not see three of them now. But they were there.

Our expectations limit us almost to crippling point. Expectations prevent us, usually, from seeing just about every coincidence there is. The only ones that get through our own unconscious filtering to our awareness are ones we see as “relevant”. Expectations allow us to notice only coincidences that fall within a limited scale of “that means something to me”. For example, I never realised how many Renault motor cars there were on the roads until I bought one. Suddenly it seemed that hundreds of people had dashed down to the dealers to buy one! Of course Renaults were there all the time. I just had not noticed, until..........

Our problems arise because most of our relevance sorting is done without thinking. We allow the filtering to go on unsupervised. Coincidences are rejected as “irrelevant” by our ego, acting without any consultation with us. We just don't notice them. No wonder we miss what successful people pick up on, because they're training themselves to Notice!

Your level of conscious Awareness totally governs you ability to see and put two things together in a way you've never done before. The more generally aware you become, the more synchronicities you notice, and the more possibilities you become aware of in coincidence. And those who see coincidences before anyone else stand a better-than-even chance of getting “lucky”.

Now I come to another difference between people who notice synchronicity and those who don't. You are familiar, I'm sure, with the bumper-sticker that says “Shit Just Happens.” It is a rule of co-inciding phenomena that there is no inherent connection between any two things happening coincidentally. It is the observer that creates connection in his/her own mind. It is an inherent trait of mind to create connections that, until created, do not exist anywhere outside the realm of Possibility. If we didn't have this automatic connecting trait (“This now is like that then”), we would never learn from experience.

Most people do it at a very low level of awareness, thus joining a lot of dots that really don't belong together. And because it was mind that made that connection, and mind insists on preserving its conclusions, it will base subsequent decisions on those faulty prior connections, all the way down the line until a catastrophe occurs of sufficient strength that invites us to change our mind. Until then the result is a life disjointed and lacking direction, and most people, sadly, do not accept the invitation to change. People with higher levels of awareness learn to discern intuitively what belongs together and what doesn't. The connections they make add up to much more than just the sum of the two parts. By creating such dynamic connections, we begin to turn Possibilities into Probabilities.

How does a mug student like me work out which connections exist and which don't? I do it by risking “failure” and testing them. By putting them together “as if” they might belong, and watch what transpires. Whatever happens, I've learned something.

So, as I look at success from the viewpoint of consciousness, I see synchronicity as an alternative to luck.  Dr. Deepak Chopra defined “good luck” as “opportunity meeting preparedness”. And he went on to say that “Synchronicity is the manifestation of that.” Synchronicity and coincidences are anonymous gifts of God: developing your awareness is your contribution to noticing those gifts and their possibilities when they're dropped at your doorstep. In the process, you engage with your soul, which is the greater extension and expression of your self.

A useful working definition of synchronicity is "meaningful coincidence" — for example, you think of an old friend you haven't seen in years, and the next minute that friend calls you on the phone.  We've all experienced such moments, but they rarely change our lives or how we think of the world. But sometimes they do. I was working here at my computer in Adelaide one afternoon when my cottage literally exploded with the sound of a magpie singing full-throttle. It was standing outside my open door, looking at me and singing it's head off. I talked to it, and it sang back. That went on for several minutes, until it flew off to a nearby tree. 30 minutes later I got a telephone call from Melbourne to say my daughter had died half an hour before. Coincidence? Of course. Did it mean anything? Well, that's up to me, isn't it?

If you take the influence of Consciousness seriously, there are unexplainable attributes of success in every field that can be put to rest by recognising the presence of synchronous coincidence. Now it you're a one-sided rationalist, that just isn't going to work for you because it is irrational. But then trying to find a rational explanation for everything isn't going to work either. You disagree? Fine. I'll check back with you in, say, 15 years. OK? Reason, I think you'll find, is a tool of limited uses.

When famous success stories are recounted, you hear the same sentiments repeated over and over. 

• He (or she) made his own luck.
• The waters opened before her.
• Nothing could stop him.
• He knew he would get to the top his first day on the job. 
• She led a charmed life.

An effective way to exempt yourself from being available to“luck” is to regard it as a kind of exceptionalism that everyone else in the club who isn't smitten by it admires and envies. Everyone would like share in the luck bucket, but it never seems to come their way. My contention is that there's a reason for that.

It's a pity, I think, that synchronicity isn't taught as part of academic programmes because Synchronicity is neither irrational nor accidental.  It involves exercising an intention to take a perceived convergence and turn it into a result.  Let's say that you are working with a team on the solution to a problem. Your intention is to solve it.  The result you want is growth, learning and, hopefully, wisdom. How do you get there? The usual method is focused concentration, late hours, and sweat. But there are times when, no matter how hard and long you try, this make-it-happen approach won't get you where you want to go.

The real key is creativity, and creativity — which comes out of the blue and often strikes at just the right moment — is synchronous.  A creative approach (ie. open-minded and free of prior presumptions) delivers answers without the linkage of cause and effect.  Synchronicity operates at a much deeper level of consciousness than mere reason.  And yet it certainly isn't accidental, any more than a great painting or a magnificent symphony or the invention of the wheel are accidental. Admitting to and relying upon your potential for creative solutions is the first and strongest way to "make your own luck." 

Creativity has become such a clichéd term that it means very little anymore. Well, with the help of Colin Hayes I'm going to refresh that for you right now. Creativity is the art of bringing something forth from nothing. How's that?

The best that most people can manage is Change, which is the process of converting something to something slightly different. Some people find ways to Transform – by allowing some part of themselves to die in order to activate and access something that previously was locked in state of innate possibility. The transformation from caterpillar to butterfly is one such example; the grub has to die before the butterfly can be released and nurtured to life. Both Change and Transformation are, however, just different forms of something becoming something else.

Creation, however, is entirely different. Creation begins with a no-thing, a question. A typical creation-starting question is “What if....? eg. What if I put this with that? Another more common creation-starter is “What am I?” It's my contention that this question is not just common, it's universal. Each and every one of us, at some stage after we were born, asked “What am I?” We don't remember asking it, because we didn't have language at the time to formulate it in mind. But formulated, it was. An ego was developed as we gathered all the evidence we could find, and what we are now is the answer, at least so far, to that question “What am I?”. Later in our life, some of us, if we haven't done so already, will encounter a major crisis that causes us to realise “Something is dreadfully wrong! This isn't working. Maybe this is not what I am at all!”, and we will return consciously to the question “What am I?” and start exploring different avenues and lines of enquiry – this time on purpose. And the ultimate answer will be the very realisation that all your previous experiments have been running away from.

Every consciously-put question is organised in awareness to have and deliver answers.  Every question. No exceptions. Right at this moment you are getting answers to everything you've ever wondered, every question you've ever asked in your life. So when I am ever wondering about something that is happening with me, I find it useful to ask – “This thing that is happening now is an Answer – what might the question have been?” And if you stick with it, a number of possible “questions” will occur to you, because a lot of life's questions lead to the same answer, just like questions like “What is 8 + 3?” and “What comes after 10” both lead to the same answer – 11. In fact, you will find no end to the number of questions that lead to the same answer, especially questions that lead to the answer - “Me”.

If you really want to have a field day with this, you might like to try this one – “The answer is 'me' – what was the question?” Believe me, the questions that will pop to which “Me” is the answer will reveal a helluva lot to you about what you've created yourself to be and why you've chosen to be here.

And because every answer except one leads to more questions, the process never ends, until you get the ultimate answer to 'What am I?” At which point all questions will cease and silence will reign. Being confident of this hidden fact is a strong attribute of ground-breaking leaders. For such a leader there is always a quick recognition of processes that are no longer working, nor likely to work, and an eagerness to find “another way”. 

When I talk with people about synchronicity, some are startled and sceptical, until they compare notes and find out how important it has been in their own careers. Synchronicity, by matching means and ends without struggle, is a mysterious ingredient from the unconscious. It creates the appearance of what's dismissed by the unadventurous and the lazy as “good luck” by carrying you beyond the tried and true methods that just get predictable outcomes.

I am not decrying rational solutions. But at a deeper level, the answers that change people's lives - and sometimes the course of history - depend on another process. You detach from the level of the problem in order to find the level of the solution. This factor exists in both synchronicity and also in creativity.  A simple example would be a mother confronting a whining, demanding two-year-old. At the level of the problem, she would coax or scold the child, try to reason with it, say that he has to do what Mummy says, and so on.  All of these tactics stay at the level of the problem. If she goes to the level of the solution, however, the mother realises that her two-year-old is tired and needs a nap. The nap solves all the other behaviours because it frees itself of the problem and goes directly to the heart of the solution.

To activate synchronicity, the following practical steps are helpful.

1. Set scepticism aside, and start noticing synchronous happenings. “This showed up with that” – it may not mean anything at the moment, but if it does, that will become apparent at the appropriate time. But if you haven't first taken notice, nothing new will later appear to you.
2. In a calm, centred moment, ask inside for a solution. And pay attention to what shows up. I've found that synchronicity exists, waiting in the wings for you to notice it and put it to work. And you do that by standing in a question that points to solutions.
3. Have a clear and open intention. State what you want without conflict, confusion, or doubt. Then let it be so, and watch what shows up in that space.
4. Await a response—and don't be blinkered by what you expect the answer to be. What turns up may surprise you, and may even not make complete sense at first. It may be the total solution or it could be only a part of it, an interim clue you can follow to the next needed piece of the puzzle.
5. Be alert—your consciousness always responds, but it may happen unexpectedly.
6. Be open-minded. Synchronicity can use any channel, including strangers, overheard conversations, a song or a story on the radio or TV, a child, and even advice from someone you tend to ignore. This latter one has happened to me quite a few times.
7. Keep repeating the above steps until they become a habitual way of being. 

Since all of these steps involve mental and emotional clarity, taking up regular meditation is one of the strongest ways to clear the mind and open pathways to deeper levels of awareness. Activating synchronicity is a skill that becomes easier the more you practice noticing. Everyone has a level of the mind where solutions naturally arise. All you need to do is contact it, get acquainted with it and make it your ally.

Now, just lift your head for a moment and look at what's going on around you. Put yourself on notice.

MANIPULATORS – 8 WAYS TO GET YOUR POWER BACK

MANIPULATORS – 8 WAYS TO GET YOUR POWER BACK

Manipulation occurs when one person is used for the benefit of another. The behaviour is all about exercising power, exerting influence by coercion or compulsion. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her own agenda. The manipulator's agendas are rarely declared, and in some cases are cleverly disguised as charity (“I'm doing this for your own good”) or need (“I'm the victim here”).

In every case of manipulation there is a symptomatic imbalance of personal power. In a given situation one party in the relationship has more power than the other – over the other. This observation applies in any relationship, whether it be husband/wife, siblings, extended family, adult/child, work or career, amateur or professional politics, teacher/student, bully/victim..... the element of Power Imbalance is at the core.

It's also relevant to note that this imbalance of power is ingrained in our social behaviour, leading to social, psychological and economic consequences. You can look almost anywhere on the evolutionary tree and see evidence of power-plays, overt displays and challenges to sort out those “better-than” and those”less than”, struggles for dominance, and rituals to reinforce supremacy. You can observe for yourself the changes in body language and behaviour once it's decided who is dominant and who is submissive.

It is a game, and one that humans are quite capable of playing consciously. For example, watch keepers and scientists with great apes, how they overtly assume submissive body language and temper in order to get close to their subjects without getting ripped apart.

I also watch it between humans. Day after day I meet people on the streets who seem to walk around with a permanent neon sign over their heads that flashes something like “Victim here. Feel free to have a go.” I used to be one of them.

Before we go too much further into this I also want to share my Topdog/Underdog Theory. I have noticed that every person is quite capable (and mostly well practiced) in assuming an Underdog stance with his “betters”, then spinning 180 degrees at the speed of thought to Topdog with someone lower on that person's pecking order. Jesus the Christ even told a story about it in the parable of the Debtor.

Furthermore, when such individuals who are unaware of their own duality in this regard get together, a Pack Mentality takes over, and to shore up their shaky assumptions of superiority, they focus on a sub-group of lesser beings whom they will pick on in order to feel better about themselves. I get my jollies this way by watching “Judge Judy”, who is a bully who's become obscenely rich using her education and wealth to lord it over willing victims. On a more global scale, there is no shortage of church patriarchs, labour union bosses and political leaders who will use the same dynamics to avoid scrutiny of their own activities and control their subjects by diverting attention and opprobrium onto refugees, independents, Greens, Jews, Muslims, terrorists, multi-national companies, bosses – “all your problems are down to those bad bastards, and you need to me save you from them.” And human duality ensures absolutely that, within each “designated untouchable” group, the same Topdog/Underdog split will occur. It seems to never end, and it won't, without conscious intervention, by you and me saying “No more! Not in my house!” to those who promote it.

A victim will always find someone to bully them, and overlords never go short of serfs. Each is symbiotically attracted to the other.

Manipulators may use one or more of several means to keep the power pendulum swinging their way – physical force, psychological coercion, financial deprivation, and social isolation are just some of the most popular.

The central issue is Abuse. Let's call it for what it is. Enough is already out there in terms of how to assist both the victims and the perpetrators of Manipulators. What I'm offering in this article is a series of general steps you can take and things you can do for yourself and/or pass on to others in order to reclaim your personal power and keep your self intact.

Know your fundamental human rights

The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a manipulative person is to know your rights, recognise when they’re being violated, and call the perpetrator on his/her intrusion. I have a dictum that I still live by, and it is this – My rights end where yours begin”. You will do well to remember that the corollary is also true – another person's rights end where yours begin. It's an issue of boundaries, and any relationship of Manipulator/Manipulated is one of at least two people who either don't know or don't care where the boundaries are. If you want to stop being manipulated, first find out where your boundaries really are (hint: anywhere somebody is walking all over you or your ideas or feelings is outside your real boundary), then start putting out clear warning signs, and be prepared to bite if the warnings are ignored.

Within reasonable bounds, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you do forfeit your rights. When anyone ignores my warning shots more than once, I introduce the violator to the Law of Consequences. This, by the way, has little to do with notions of “crime” and “punishment”; it's more basic than that – e.g. if you put your hand on a hot stove, you will get burned.

Following are some of our fundamental human rights.

• You have the right to be treated with respect.
• You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants. Notice I said your right is to express, not to dump your stuff on someone else.
• You have the right to set your own priorities, and have them treated with respect.
• You have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty
• You have the right to get what you pay for.
• You have the right to have opinions, beliefs and attitudes different than others.
• You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
• You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.

With each Right comes an equal Responsibility to unconditionally put out what you want to get back. The key word in that last sentence, by the way, is “unconditionally”; if your giving out is in any way conditional, you are manipulating. As I said before, if you manipulate others, you do forfeit your rights.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries. Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights. Psychological manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the manipulator, who’s in charge of your life. The sooner you learn how to do that without disempowering your self by coming from a “victim” place, the better it will be both for you and the the poor bastard who's come to the conclusion that the only way to get some juice out of life is to cheat it or smash it.

Keep your distance

One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us do a degree of this type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type of behaviour from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them. No-one else has to change for you to be contented and productive. If the playground you're in is controlled by topdogs, learn your lessons, and look around for another playground that better suits your level of growth.

Avoid Taking Things Personally and Judging Yourself Harshly.

Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, and such people are usually very good at it, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights to the Controller. Consider your relationship with the manipulator, and ask yourself the following questions:

• What is it about this that is upsetting me?
• What have I learned from my experience with this person so far?
• Am I being treated with genuine respect, or is this person either pretending for show, or using “niceness' to get something out of me?
• Is there an element in this that “I need” to do a certain thing, or stop doing a certain thing, or be a certain way in order for someone else to be happy?
• Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
• Who is making the bulk of the decisions right at this moment?
• Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
• Who has the bulk of the power at this moment?
• Who makes the major decisions?
• Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
• What am I most afraid might happen if I leave this relationship?
• What am I most afraid might happen if I stay?
• What would I like to happen next? What kind of person do I want to be next?
• What's something I can do to bring that about?

Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the “problem” in the relationship is primarily with you or the other person.

Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions

Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognise the inequity of their scheme. For example:

• Does this seem reasonable to you?
• Does what you want from me sound fair?
• Do I have a say in this?
• Are you asking me or telling me?
• So, what do I get out of this?
• Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?

When you ask such questions, you’re putting up a mirror so the manipulator can at least take a second look and, if you leave your question hang in silence, perhaps see the true nature of his or her ploy, and that you've seen it. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.

If not, truly pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation.

Use Time to Your Advantage

In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an answer from you right away, to maximise their pressure and control over you in the situation. (Sales people call this «closing the deal.») During these moments, instead of responding to the manipulator’s request right away, consider leveraging time to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying: “Let me think about it.”

Consider how powerful these five words are from a customer to a salesperson, or from a romantic prospect to an eager pursuer, or from you to a manipulator. “Let me think about it.” Suddenly the weight has shifted from the other end of the see-saw to the middle. Suddenly the manipulator has lost the initiative. You've detached yourself, at least for a time, from his/her direct control and inserted your independence. The first time I tried this, the boss said sarcastically “how long will thinking about it take?” Feeling uncharacteristically empowered I replied softly and matter-of-factly, “It will take as long as it takes for me to fully consider your offer.” He snapped petulantly “You're being a smartarse!” I sighed “Yes, you could be right. I'll get back to you” and left the room.

Had he pressed the matter, I'd have said (as I have in odd similar situations since), “Well, if you insist on an immediate answer, it will be “No”. But if, after thinking about it, I change my mind, I'll let you know.” Then … do not speak another word. As supersalesman Tom Hopkins said to me once “There come moments when it's time to shut up. The next person to speak loses that hand.”

Don't be in any hurry to “think about it.” Take the time you need to centre yourself, then calmly evaluate the pros and cons of a situation, and consider whether you want to negotiate a more equitable arrangement, or if you’re better off by saying “no”, which leads us to our next point:

Know How To Say "No” ― Diplomatically And Firmly

To be able to say “No” diplomatically and firmly, you first have to reach a quiet, centred space within where you can give a gentle but unequivocal “Yes” to your “no”. Give yourself permission and the absolute authority to say “No”. If you were brought up, as I was, to believe that saying “No” was punishable by a long stint in hell, you may have to be very patient with yourself. It's new skill, and one you must now acquire as part of maturing. That's why claiming time to “think about it” is so essential.

Your next task is to practice the art of communicating, cleanly and directly – saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. It might help to remind yourself that any relationship where one or more parties have to give ground on any of their rights in deference to another – such a relationship is never going to be workable. Never. Just because things go quiet for a while, you may kid yourself that “Whew! Everything's all right again!” You're not the first, and you won't be the last to fall into that delusion. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “No” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life.

Set consequences

Bullies and manipulators get away with what they're doing because no-one ever calls them to account for their actions. They manipulate because they're allowed to.They sink deeper and deeper in the false beliefs that either consequences do not apply to them, or that they can manipulate the consequences of their actions.

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t back off when challenged, deploy Consequence.

The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills you can use to “stand down” a difficult person. Effectively articulated, Consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to caution, from caution to recognition of a power he/she cannot comprehend, from that realisation to respect.

The consequences you conjure could be the removal of something that is currency for the bully. One of the most effective is to simply ignore them and encourage others to do so, too. Another, for the more experienced players, is to withhold your fear. Most bullies thrive on fear, since they themselves are usually among the most fearful people on the planet. If you can refuse to be afraid in the presence of a bully, you remove their power over you. Utterly.

There are other currencies. Get to know your bully. find out what it is they have to have from you, and just don't give it to them any more.

Confront Bullies, Safely

A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person. The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker. They never “pick on someone their own size”, at least not without a bunch of henchmen for backup and intimidation. So as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. But most bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will begin to back down. Bullies are also lazy. They only picjk on the easy prey. This is true in schoolyards, in politics, in business, as well as in domestic and office environments. Bullies only exist because they can.-- because too many people let them. If everybody tomorrow morning stopped enabling bullies, manipulation, domination and control would gradually drain from the planet.

On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behaviour, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light.

It is not your job, however, to “cure” a bully. The best favour you can do for someone in this horrible situation (and it is horrible to live in a manipulator’s skin) is stop feeding him/her. Work on yourself. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to step into their playground. Don't fight with them – that's what victims do. You fight with a bully – you're a goner. You may win the fight, but the bully has won you.

Say “No”, mean “No”, and refuse to engage.

As well as getting your power back, you'll pass on to them the most important lesson they will ever learn – if you need others for energy, for influence, for validation, you're fucked.

Find the bully underdog in you (yes, there is one), and very quietly declare a New Truth “I detach myself from you. You have no power over me any more. Once you needed me for energy. I now claim my power back from you. I no longer give you my permission. And if I don't give it to you, you don't have it....... So be it”

AND THE ULTIMATE SUCCESS SECRET IS.......?

AND THE ULTIMATE SUCCESS SECRET IS.......?

(NOT WHAT YOU THINK)

Right off the top here I'm going to take issue with my own headline. I'm going to propose that there are no “secrets” to success. It's my experience that whenever some self-appointed high-priest of Success finally revealed a “secret” to me (usually for a fee), it struck me as a blinding flash of the bloody obvious! And useful!

It's no mystery, either, why "secrets" to success are generally so practical. A career involves many kinds of decisions, and we all foster the hope that there's a recipe for making these decisions, even though research combined with experience tells us that there isn't. This doesn't stop aspiring, ambitious people from clinging to a set of habits, attitudes, beliefs, etc. that they're been told will give them a gold pass called “the competitive edge”.

I believed this stuff, too. I'd already come to the conclusion that the hotchpotch of beliefs, thou-shalts and Ideas I'd picked since birth just had not worked. My business was struggling, my wife finally left, and my daughter was lost. Fortunately things had gotten so bad I was at long last prepared to try anything “new”. That's when I found an entire industry devoted to revealing The Secrets of Personal Success. I lapped it up. One of the conditions of following this path to power was that “you must believe to achieve; you have to fake it 'til you make it.” So I went in, boots and all (as is my wont). I faked and believed, and things got better, they really did! For a while. And then things began to unravel. Back to the drawing-board again!

This time, though, there was a difference. I'd picked up along the way some insights into other as yet unexplored possibilities. Most of these side flashes were less practical and more metaphysical, but being somewhat aware of myself as spirit, they now beckoned for my closer attention. Maybe there was a way that I'd missed in my narrowed-down focus on what my goals should look like and what success should feel like. Maybe focused efforting and “making it happen” was only partly “the answer”; perhaps I should also try something I'd never really considered before – surrender to not-knowing and “allow something to happen” needed to be brought into the process. Perhaps I should also relax my prejudices around what opportunity should come dressed as. My question was “How?” How can you Control and Surrender at one and the same time? My mind told me it was impossible, but my new mentors were telling me “Don't try to figure it out. That won't work. For the time being, just say “Yes” to everything, and be patient. See what happens. Do less, and be more. And Be Aware of what's actually happening. Who's calling you? What do they want from you? What songs are grabbing your attention? What if you opened your mind about what an angel messenger should look like. If you did that, is it just possible that chances are knocking on your door ever day, and you're sending them away? For starters, all you have to do is wake up and pay attention!

The irony is that there actually is a crucial “secret” to success, whatever you define that to be for yourself, but it doesn’t lie with anything taught in the conventional wisdom. In case you missed it, I just pointed to it. Go back and read the last paragraph again.

At last! Something made sense! I'd tried everything that “made sense”, and had not found what I was looking for. It suddenly made “sense” to try things that I'd rejected because they didn't make sense.

As long as we remain hung-up on any particular thoughts, or thinking, we remain imprisoned by a need to be right about it.

Freedom is detached awareness – letting go of identities (“that's me”) – cultivating an uncritical awareness of everything (including the thoughts that bind us unto themselves) – awareness that is not in time, or out of time, or on time, or off time.

The secret to fill-fullingment is so disarmingly simple that it is no wonder I had never thought of it! The human mind loves, and thrives on, complexity! And the mind wants to be supreme; it has to be right. We're entranced and imprisoned by our own creation – our mind.

The secret is to make a different basic choice than the one we've been coming from until now. Choose to let go of complexity and the habitual churning effort of “thinking”. Stop it. Just stop. Right where you are. Don't move. Don't think. Listen to the quietness. Let thoughts be; let them come and let them go. Just watch, like you're doing a surveillance on your own mind, watching its comings and goings, making mental snapshots of your thoughts coming and going, without considering them; not intervening or getting implicated or involved.

All that's required of you is merely to become more aware, to adopt a conscious lifestyle. Only this decision enables you to become dynamic, flexible, and resilient in a crisis. When there is no crisis, awareness leads to better appreciation underpinning day-to-day decisions, and a string of attuned decisions carves out a path to success.

Further down the track, if we narrow our focus to the specific challenges of being a leader, awareness naturally becomes more detailed in those arenas.  All of us generally benefit by being more aware, but a leader has to be extraordinarily aware of the nuances of each situation, of their own reactions, and particularly of other people, and quite often aware for other people.  That requires Empathy, anticipating what everyone involved is thinking and feeling, and the possible effects of that.

Awareness, even self-awareness, is surprisingly selfless. Egotism blocks clarity of awareness, and so does selfishness and ruthless competitiveness. They will cloud your perceptions and your judgment. Open inner and outer awareness sharpens your seeing and maximises your effectiveness. You become known as someone who gets “results”.

To begin at the beginning, persistently cultivating self-awareness produces more and more realistic self-assessment. If you cultivate awareness seriously, you find yourself asking some fundamental questions: Who am I in relation to this? What do I want this to lead to? What does this situation require of me​? What have I got, and what can I develop that will meet that need? A leader must ask these questions of him or her self and inspire the team to require a similar self-evaluation of themselves.

Many would-be leaders shy away from psychology, but that's not what awareness is. The psychology of anyone or anything is yet another subject of Awareness. Awareness is something that we show up with – it doesn't have to be learned. It isn't even something we have to do. Awareness is what we ARE. What has to be done, if anything dear fellow-human-being, is a giant clean-away of everything we've piled up that's obscuring our awareness, and re-introduce a consistent habit of re-membering “What is Awareness aware of right now?”. Just remember to notice it. You are the camera; Awareness is the cameraperson.

A recent biographical PBS program on Henry Ford noted that he had almost no inward gaze. His entire life, from childhood onward, was based on a rock-solid self-evaluation. Ford quietly knew he was special and had something important to contribute. He knew he wanted to make advances in machinery, and by the time he was twenty his focus turned to the motor car. He realised that he wanted to change the lives of common people by giving them cheap mass transportation, and this desire to improve the lot of the common man later extended to his own factory workers, who were given the highest wages in the industry (the famous $5 a day that Ford proposed in 1914), along with mandatory English lessons for a work force that was largely immigrant. Eventually Ford's vision extended to building utopian communities in faraway places like Brazil so that his ideal American worker could be a worldwide model. For him, “a better world” was not a verbless political slogan to be stickered onto some senseless, vague policy, it was the spine and skeleton that supported everything he did.

None of us is likely to become a “Henry Ford”, nor should we try to, but his example points out the critical ingredients of awareness: know Yourself, know your Intention, know what personal Values you are giving expression to, and keep expanding your Awareness as your life and career unfold.

• Know your vision and apply it despite obstacles and downturns.
• Be sensitive to outside forces, but ultimately be self-guided .
• Extend what you want to what others need. As Zig Ziglar used to say – “Get what you want by giving others what they want.”
• Be the lighthouse for your vision, inspiring others to join.

It's not often noticed, because Ford rose so quickly to dominate the car-making scene, that from the age of sixteen he worked for ten years in Edison's Detroit electrical plant, and that his first auto venture was shut down by his investors after three years. What sustained him during this time was his acute Awareness of opportunity, and the place he intended to create in it. His awareness gave him the kind of deep self-trust that sustained him and nourished those who engaged with him.

Awareness as a consciously developed habit is like an antenna, constantly assessing the feedback being sent both inside and outside. You are aware of where you stand in relation to your environment and where you stand in relation to yourself. That is, you know realistically who you are and where you are, and how you are with all around you.

Some key points:

Awareness is the birthplace of Possibility. Everything you decide to do, everything you choose to be starts in Awareness. The level of your Awareness governs the level of effectiveness of everything you do and become. No-one gets high-level results from low-level awareness. It is really that simple.

To be a successful visionary, you must be as aware as possible. Awareness highlights possibilities, opportunities; it also keeps you grounded in reality. At every moment many paths lead forward. Awareness tells you which one to take. It may not be the “right” one, but it will be a “better” one. I'm very wary of people who claim to have license on the “right” way: the procession that ensues always ends up to be the blind leading the gormless.

As a leader, your awareness affects everyone around you. Those whom you lead and serve depend on your perception of the situation. You must reach inside for the appropriate response. You alone can raise the group’s awareness from lower needs to higher deeds. To do that, you first must fulfil each need in yourself, from the ground up.

There is no limit to what you can change, because awareness brings light to every aspect of life. If your consciousness is constricted, everything you do will be, too. And so will the consequences and results that you generate.  On the other hand, if you are in a state of expanded awareness, everything else will expand. 

The most ancient wisdom traditions say, 

Know that one thing by which all else is known.

That one thing is consciousness itself. There is no greater power of creation and transformation that pure, unadulterated Awareness.

9 HABITS OF PROFOUNDLY POWERFUL PEOPLE

Influential people have a profound impact on everyone they encounter. Well, of course, otherwise they wouldn't be “influential”, right? But how do they do it? Is it an accident of birth and the temperament you were born with? Or are there other factors loose on the landscape?

It might not surprise you to know that powerful people achieve influence with others only because they deliberately and consciously exert so much influence inside, in themselves. You might notice that in writing that last sentence, I deliberately spoke of “influence with” others, rather than “influence upon” them. Right here is the first step; the place where a misstep can send you way off where you want to finish your journey, requiring you later to retrace your steps all the way back to this point.

Power-trippers (tyrants) set out to work ways of lording it over others – of ruling the roost. It's primitive. It's so outdated. And so self-destructive. People don't like being lorded-over and will (secretly) resent you for it, sooner or later turning against you and pulling you back down off your self-made pedestal. Influential people don't rule; they empower, firstly themselves, and then others. If that last bit sounds selfish, let me ask you this – How does anyone give away something they don't have? If you're not empowered within yourself, you cannot empower anyone else. It's not possible. What happens instead is that those you try to “help” end up being dis-empowered – by you. Empowerment, like disempowerment, is infectious. Empowering is an ultimate expression of collaboration.

It follows then that the “Inside-Out” rule of realising power is universal; it applies just as much to life's losers as it does to the movers and shakers. The gift of influencing is graced upon us all; the question you might like to stand in is – Is my influence, that is the quality of energy I radiate, worth catching? Empowering people leave empowered people in their wake. Similarly, bullies and manipulators leave disempowered people behind them. Isn't that what The Man said when he announced “You'll know them by their fruits.” If you want a realistic assessment of what you're good at, look closely at what you leave behind you. How aware you are of the laws of influencing, and how deftly you apply the gift, and how acutely you get wise to the opportunities available to you, how energetically you lean forward into life and apply it intentionally to your inner growth – all these elements are your personal tools for making a difference.

At the other end of the continuum, the amount and quality of the influence we wield is stymied by how much we passively lean back and allow default inner programmes (often negative) to determine how far we'll get with ourselves and with other people. How deeply do we engage with the hand that's been dealt to us, or how much do we lie inert and let life just “happen” to us?

Most people look at a successful person and see only the outside. Somewhere in the negative observer's vocabulary lie thoughts and assumptions of “luck”, “fortune”, “predestination”, “karma”, or “happenstance” Victims see only at some outward manifestations of what's really going on – on the inside. More aware folks see powerful people innovate, speak their mind, and propel themselves forward toward bigger and better things and get actively curious about “How do they do that?” In my mid- twenties I noticed that Influential people have a profound impact on everyone they encounter, and I went a little green with envy. In so doing, I completely missed the point. But sometimes we have to come crashing down before we realise “I've missed something here.” And we have to realise that we've missed the point somewhere along the way before we can get the point. No experience is wasted, unless you say so.

One of my first, surprising discoveries was that, no mater whether we are born introvert or extrovert, the confidence and wherewithal that make a powerful influence possible are earned. It’s a labour of love that influential people pursue behind the scenes, every single day. Most of them don't talk about it much, they just get on with it. But I was lucky enough to get close enough to enough truly influential people who saw something worthwhile in me, and invested their time and secrets.

What ordinary people are influenced by changes more often than the weather, but the unique habits of influential people remain constant. Their focused pursuit of excellence is driven by nine habits that you can emulate and internalise until your influence expands, within and without:

1. Powerful people think for themselves

Influential people attune themselves to shifts, trends and public opinions, but they're not buffeted by them. They form their conclusions carefully, based on an ever-widening awareness and appreciation of both the finer details and the bigger pictures (there's always more than one perspective on everything). They’re more than willing to change their mind when the context and circumstances support it, but they aren’t influenced by what other people think, only by what they are aware of from first-hand experience and exploration. They do not unconditionally accept other people's adjudications, opinions or beliefs. They eschew rushing to judgment and keep a very large “maybe” tray under the bonnet, and allow themselves time explore more widely and deeply. While they are quick to recognise the bleeding obvious, they are often suspicious of situations characterised as something “everybody knows”.

2. Powerful people are graciously disruptive

Influential people are never satisfied with the status quo. They’re the ones who constantly ask, “What if?” and “Why not?” They’re not afraid to challenge conventional wisdom, assumptions about themselves, or what's allowed to go unexamined under the mind-numbing label of “common sense”. Influential people are often troubling, especially to lazy people, but their confronting is not usually confrontational, unless a new idea is met with defenssive stubbornness. Influential people's stirring is characterised by their true motives – they don’t disrupt things for the sake of being disruptive; they do it to unsettle mindsets and make things better.

3. Powerful people inspire conversation

When influential people speak, ideas and conversations radiate outwards like ripples in a three-dimensional pond. Perspectives are shifted. And those ripples are multi directional; influencers challenge and inspire everyone around them to become aware, so that everyone's subsequent actions or lack of actions are at least a matter of conscious choice. Attuned witnesses of an influential person are inspired to explore new ideas, think differently about their work, and they feel supported and empowered to do differently.

4. Powerful people leverage their networks

Influential people know how to co-create and cultivate lasting connections. Not only do they know and touch a lot of people, they get to know their connections’ connections. Most importantly, they add value to everyone in their network, and their network's networks. Influential people are matchmakers. They look for “do-ers”, invite them on board and get them playing with each other. Relentlessly they sort out and cut out those who let life and others “do unto them”. And they don't waste energy feeling bad about that because they know that a Victim will never be stuck for company. Having corralled the right people, influencers share propositions and know-how, and they actively foster connections between people who might benefit from getting to know each other.

5. Powerful people focus only on what really matters

Influential people aren’t distracted by trivialities. They sift out what's important and what's urgent, and they learn the difference between. They’re able to cut through the static and clutter, sift out hierarchies of Importance and Urgency, point them out to everyone else and focus everyone's attention on what matters. Influential people know from real experience the 80/20 Rule in all its permutations, and that time wasted on time-wasters is time you don't get back. They speak only when they have something worthwhile to say, and they never insult sentient people with idle social chit-chat.

6. Powerful people welcome disagreement

They don't spoil for fights – fights are promoted by people who have something to gain by avoiding possible solutions. Powerful people do, however, welcome any opportunity to find out “there's a better way”. They love being booted off a position. They're especially grateful for it if the intervention comes before a Stand is taken. Influential people do not react emotionally and defensively to dissenting opinions—they welcome them. They’re humble enough to know that they don’t know everything, nor that they don't know any one thing from every possible perspective. They welcome dissenting views that deepen their depth of field. They know that someone else might see something they missed. And if that person's view has merit, they embrace the idea wholeheartedly and make space for the new perspective to assimilate into the whole picture. Because they understand the Law of Duality, influential people care more about the end result than about being “right”.

7. Powerful people are proactive

Influential people don’t wait for things like new ideas and new technologies to find them; they pull back the curtains, open the doors and windows and seek those things out. These early adopters always want to anticipate what’s next. They’re influential because they see, in the presumption of Infinite Possibility in which they live, what might be coming, and they see what’s actually coming before anyone else because their eyes (and all their other sensory organs) are peeled and they're intentionally look for it. Then they spread the word.

8. Powerful people respond rather than react

This is a “biggie”. Influential people have prepped themselves by working long and diligently to free themselves from childhood habits of knee-jerk reacting. They have created themselves to become response-able. With the realisation of Influence they've accepted that the gift comes with a Responsibility – “I'm not in a vacuum here. Whatever I do next is going to have consequences.” When they do make a mis-take, they acknowledge it, make amends, repair the damage and move on more aware. If someone criticises an influential person for making a mistake, or if someone else makes a critical mistake, influential people don’t react like apes – immediately and emotionally. They wait. They think. And then they deliver an appropriate response that will turn the crisis into an opportunity. If someone stuffs up, they look first at the system before blaming the person. If systemic adjustments are needed, they identify them, tell everyone about them and implement them. If the system is fine and the failure happened because the person failed, then an influential person turns that moment into one of growth for everyone involved. Influential people know how basic and important relationships are to liveliness, and they won’t let an emotional overreaction harm theirs. They also know that emotions are contagious, and overreacting has a negative influence on everyone around them.

9. Powerful people do not rely upon belief; they get to Know.

Influential people always expect the best, or something better. Knowing their weaknesses, they trust their strengths and their own power to author-ise and achieve their dreams, and they real-ise for others that they share that same power. They know that everything is available; that nothing is out of reach, and that trust inspires those around them to stretch for their own goals. They've done the work, studied the metaphysics, and see daily evidence that one person does change the world. The only questions are “How?” and “How much?”

Bringing It All Together

To increase your influence, you need first to gather your self together, gather all the resources and companions you'll need then, from that fullness, to freely and passionately share your skills and insights in your pursuit of a grander future.