WHADDYA THINK WE ARE? HOW WE PUT IT TOGETHER

WHADDYA THINK YOU ARE?

HOW WE PUT IT TOGETHER

I’ve loosely identified four stages through which we go in assembling a concept of Self that enables us (we hope) to deal effectively with the world we experience around us…….

• ·       Temperament
• ·       Dispositions
• ·       Personality
• ·       Lifestyle

TEMPERAMENT

What we call “temperament” is actually mixtures of innate qualities with which we emerge from the womb. These qualities of being were unconsciously stitched together from our responses to the womb environment, and our experiences of the effects that events had on our mother while we were cooking in there.

Some of the qualities I’m referring to include, but are not restricted to, scales of extroversion and introversion, endurance, flexibility, sensation-seeking, sensitivity, self-confidence, impulsivity, cautiousness, tendencies to avoid or embrace novelty, predictability/unpredictability, certainty/uncertainty, and needs for encouragement and approval.

As you can see, the dynamic possibilities of the mix are almost endless, but even in the first weeks after birth, certain tendencies begin to emerge.

DISPOSITIONS

The tendencies of Temperament begin to emerge into Dispositions – physical, mental and emotional inclinations and willingnesses towards certain ways of being.

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PERSONALITY

Dispositions morph over time into an identifiable Personality -- the  distinctive or notable personal character of a being, the person as an embodiment of an assemblage of qualities. In Psychology, our personality embodies all the constitutional, mental, emotional, social, etc., characteristics of an individual into an organised pattern. Personality patterns consist of two or more usually opposing types of behaviour.

LIFESTYLE

Alfred Adler uses the term “lifestyle” to encompass our pattern of habits of thinking, feeling and acting. These patterns, lodged as they become in our ideas, concepts, beliefs, judgments, preconceptions and opinions, constitute the way we assign meaning and personal significance to life as we view it, and how we express ourselves in daily living.

This is how we put it together.

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

Anything we put together can, with willingness, courage and persistence be changed, if we choose to.

But who, or what, is to do the choosing? This is a really important enquiry to make of yourself at this point. Hint: Don’t allow your self-image to decide. The choice to change how you’ve put it together in the past must not be done by any aspect of that which needs to be changed. Kick your ego out of the committee room. If the choice to change is made by some aspect of your ego, the change will fail. All egos are self-right, and resist change with every stratagem they’ve learned.

Back to the question – What is the source that will drive the courage and persistence needed to effect any and every change that’s required to switch from unhappiness to happiness? The source you’re looking for is in that still, persistent yearning within that is calling for us to evolve away from unhappiness as a way of getting what we truly want.

We made a mistake. But that was in the past. And the past is no longer – unless the not-you says so.

Find your self – the self that has no opposite.

Then choose to be happy. Even when you’re uncomfortable, choose to be happy about the growth and change that’s going on.

It will take courage to manage your mind’s insane insistence that unhappiness will, one day, get you into happiness.

It takes a particular kind of courage to just be happy. It takes the courage required to surrender. It takes the ticker needed to forsake the popular sport of wishing and bitching that things should be different, and instead to engage creatively with what-is – just as it is.

Unhappiness is just a habit. Are you up for the challenge of changing it?

WHAT ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU?

Our lives, yours and mine, both began with a wordless question already formed. I don't remember it and neither will you because we didn't have vocabulary then. But we existed, nevertheless, in the question “What am I?” A second question soon slid alongside it, namely “What is my place in the midst of all this?”

Shortly after we were born, we began to be able to look around and focus our eyes on things, and faces that hove into view. The question we were coming from, remember, was “What am I?” So everything that captured our attention got labelled by our budding mind as an answer -- “Me. That's Me. And this is Me. And so is that". So, unconsciously, we began putting together a self-image.

The labeling became an ingrained habit. Psychologists call the habitual process “identifying”. We don't think it; the habit thinks us. Everything we see, hear, taste, smell and touch we robotically assume “That's me; I am that”. We still do it. And like everything else the mind latches onto, it insists on being right about it.

The mind is abetted by a Ruthless Rule of Reality which goes something like this – “Everything you add after 'I am', you become.” It's how you and I create our worlds. It's part of the rules of the game called Being Human. We create the world we live in by whatever we add after "I am...."

The cosmic joke is that it's all jiggery-pokery. We've imagined the whole thing, and our minds cannot tell the difference between something we've imagined and something that has actually happened. Anything imagined sets in train a string of biological and psychological consequences absolutely identical to those that would occur if what we've imagined has actually happened. We act as if what we're thinking and, consequently, feeling is real. But it's not. It's an illusion. 

But it does make for one helluva game. Human life is an improvisation in which we identify with characteristics, traits, attitudes, moods, ideas, concepts and beliefs. We say unto our selves “That's me”, adopt the “character” and then explore the situations life throws at us from that perspective, and generate the consequences of those assumptions. And we do all this as if it's all real and as if our lives depend upon it. In fact, it feels real because we've not been able until now to realise it's not real. We've assumed all along our cherished ideas about life and our selves in it are real, we're imagining it's real, and we spend a lot of energy proving that what we've created is real and true. We've not been able to remember, of course, that we once existed in a simple state of “I am” (with no additives). We've been inventing and pretending ever since.

Is that so bad? A hearty game of “Let's Pretend” makes for great theatrical entertainment. With everyone else playing the same game, it's like a cosmic Theatre Sports in which we are all our own participants, scriptwriters, directors, audience and critics. It's a really engrossing way to pass time.

But it is an illusion, and was never meant to be taken seriously forever. Only until now. Now it's time to wake up and grow up. Every assumption we ever made about “That's me” was, and still is, a mistake. We are not really who or what we think we are, and neither is any one else.

But if that's true, then What Am I? Who are you?

Until you're prepared to sit in the shade, sit down and contemplate the awful prospect that you might have made a basic mis-take, and that your ideas about who and what you are are erroneous.

Don't beat yourself up about it. We're all in the same learning game which dictates that we first have to experience what is NOT before we can come to a deep realisation of what IS. We get lost so that we can find. That way we get the wisdom of seeing things from different perspectives. Isn't that good news? If it isn't, stay in the illusion and keep going. But if you're ready to wake up, consider this ---

Identifying is the only cause of suffering.

Really?

Well don't take my word for it. Look for yourself into something that's causing you bother right now. Look underneath that and you'll find, maybe a negative belief you have about yourself that's keeping you stuck to the spot, maybe an idea about the way things should be that doesn't fit with what is, or maybe some other perception you've latched onto that you're sure is “right”, but is turning out to be a stone in your shoe.

Identity is the only cause of suffering? Well, if life isn't working for you in some way or other, you could choose to hear this as the best news ever! Maybe you've gone along blaming everything and everyone other than yourself for your “failures”? Not much juice is available down that hole. If it were true and the world had to change so that you could be happy, you're chances don't look too good. Perhaps you've looked everywhere else for the cause of your perturbation, but you still haven't managed to dig out the secret saboteur within. If so, what have you got to lose by trying a line of inquiry you haven't tried before? What's something I'm attached to that could be causing me to stew? Can I now let go of my investments in it? Phew!! Just think, if you've got this far not knowing what you are and therefore not able to be yourself, imagine what you could do once you find the actual truth after “I am …....”

One final hint. Because your mind, like mine, is absolutely attached to being right about its old conclusions, you may have to be very persistent in letting its immediate and familiar “reasons” fly through to the keeper and quietly insist on trekking this new line of inward-vestigation. Your mind will protest and may even go a bit nuts. Pay no attention. The “A-hah!” realisations will come.

EUREKA Mk.2.

EUREKA Mk.2?

The never-ending pattern of worldwide civil strife seems to have evolved somewhat over the past sixty years. Today, few civil wars involve pitched battles from trenches along neat geographic front lines – not in this part of the world, anyway. But civil war is still bubbling away in this country beneath a very thin crust of political correctness, and behind a flimsy veil of manufactured distractions, erudite politeness, and outright denial – and those ion power would not have it any other way – “Let's keep 'em nervous and uptight, and that way we've always got 'em where we want 'em.”

On the global scale there is still a steady stream of traditional large-scale attacks, both threatened and actual, by armed forces that far too often produce civilian casualties (“unavoidable collateral damage”). The impotent victims of such indiscriminate slaughter are festering into hotbeds of large-scale displacement and resentment that, unsurprisingly, lead to acts of guerilla-style violence against the perceived authors of the tyranny. The world is being stuffed with a growing mass of very pissed-off people.

An emerging trend in the reactions of this growing class of desperate victims are low-intensity conflicts with episodic violence in constantly moving locales. Again, the objects of such attacks tend to be civilian, and the aim of the perpetrators would seem to be to spread and multiply the hurt, the fear and terrors that they themselves may have suffered at the hands of their tormentors. This is tit-for-tat stuff on a serious scale. Just like the large-scale violence of historical civil war, these more localised guerilla-style “atrocities” include a rejection by the attackers of traditional political authority, a strong desire for payback and require sophisticated military-style intelligence and policing forces to deal with them, and a huge public relations machine to convince us that selling out our freedoms and responsibilities is “for our own safety”. The tragedy is that, ultimately, even proactive policing won't work.

Five conditions already exist in Australia that support a prediction of impending breakout of civil war:

• entrenched national polarisation, with no obvious meeting place for resolution;
• increasingly divisive press coverage and information flows;
• weakened, incompetently led and ineffective institutions, notably parliament and the judiciary;
• a denial of culpability and a sellout or abandonment of responsibility by political leadership;
• and the legitimisation of division and violence as the “in” way to either conduct discourse or solve disputes.

One saving grace for Australia, as I see it, when we compare our present situation to other countries, especially the USA, is that we don't have a large percentage of the population toting guns. But the pressure for that to change rears its ugly head with increasing frequency. For example, Senator David Leyonhjelm is such a shithouse shot he vigorously campaigned recently for trapshooting guns to have bigger magazines, and that “certain citizens” should be allowed to arm themselves for self defence. And he nearly won, in exchange for his support for the LNP government on other issues. The embargo on the unfettered importation of assault weapons into this country is within a catswhisker of being lifted.

Another thing that perturbs me is that, while the emotive rhetoric popularly calls for those not born here to adopt “the Australian way of life” and kowtow to our “values”, no-one seems to have anything like a clear idea of what Australian “values” actually are, how to articulate them, or how to get consensus on them. It seems to me, for example, that between people with different levels of education, between city- and country-dwellers, between those of differing religious affiliations, between gays and straights, and between those from different cultures, any common ground is couched in terms that mean very different things to different people – eg “a fair go” to a stockbroker from Pt. Piper means something very different to someone on a carer's pension from the western suburbs. And outside the cosy Sunday-morning ramblings of academic farts over their smashed avocado and skinny lattes, no-one seems to find this high on an agenda of national importance. There's an arrogant, ignorant, pervading assumption that Australian values are "my" values.

It's far too easy to drape oneself in a flag and turn up to some hideously overblown “celebration” organised at obscene expense by some events organisation paid for by “the taxpayer”, and stand around feeling goosebumps while someone famous sings a national anthem that very few of us know all the words to.

We don't even bother to work out who or what our “enemies” really are. We just go along to get along. We do know that we don't have any leadership that seems to have a vision and know what it's doing, and we're getting a bit nervous, but we shrug it off with “What can I do?” – a rhetorical question to which no-one seriously wants an answer. That would require effort.

For some of us in this “lucky” country, the very people whom we've “elected” to look after our interests are actually our enemies. We're anxious over deepening social, educational and economic schisms and conflicts that won't declare themselves, and we just don't know what to do about it. Our politicians are too busy protecting those in their particular “club”, and chasing short-term “wins” against each other to take a longer view of where all their scrapping taking us. They're too busy serving the party that endorsed them and paying no attention whatever to the people who actually elected them.

When I look at the current state of the political parties as an indicator of Australia's health, I despair at the level of ineptitude, and self-serving arrogance that pervades their every communication with the electors. In the name of “keeping Australians safe” they refuse to submit to any examination of their performances, hide much of their their activities from public gaze, and don't seem to care, except for a short period of “let's pretend” around election time, that they no longer have the confidence of the hoi-polloi.

We now have demonstrably weakened institutions and parties that are not only polarised, but actively risking and even promoting disintegration. Follow that line, and the currently isolated incidents of rage, resentment, impotence and frustration could erupt into open war on the streets. Yet their focus remains on keeping us alert but not alarmed and catching malcontents in the act of venting their rage, without giving more than a moment's thought to dealing with the root causes of festering insurrection.

There's a huge repositioning of personal values going on now, in contexts that are increasingly unstable. We no longer know who we are, or where we are in this mess. We find it increasingly difficult to find ourselves and our place in the chaos. And no-one seems to even care about providing some vision or guidance. We're suffering from a tsunami in identity crisis, and polarising splits along economic, social, cultural and religious lines.

Part of the problem , as I see it, is that we've had it good for so long that we've lulled ourselves into a zone of relative comfort, and now find we're lost without any intelligent and effective leaders, and we are poorly equipped personally to hew our own path because we sold out on our responsibilities to the very people who now can't even run a cake stall, let alone a country.

We know we are at risk of civil war, or something like it, when an election, an enactment, an event, an action by government or people in high places, becomes utterly unacceptable to a party, a large group, a significant constituency, and we haven't a clue what to do about it. After decades of inaction we've paralysed ourselves. We've put our faith in pygmies, enlarged to falsely gigantic proportions by yellow journalism and our own reluctance to look askance at the pompous pulp we're being fed.

It's our fault, and our responsibility. We let them get away with it, and left others to do the criticising and heavy lifting. Now we're sliding into a mess resulting from our own neglect of the responsibilities of freedom and citizenship.

If parliaments alone were ever the whole answer (and I doubt that), they certainly are no longer. Parliaments, both state and federal have been allowed to become utterly dysfunctional and bought/controlled by men who've spent decades distracting and dividing us in order to keep control. And we no longer have a judicial system to come to our aid, because it’s been so politicised.

It is indicative of just how sick the situation has got when George Brandis' outrage at Pauline Hanson's burqua stunt last week got no support whatsoever from the President of the Senate or anyone on his side of the House. They sat there with their hands in their laps. So much for “government”. They've sold us out.

But it's not their fault. We put them there, and leave them unsupervised.

Neither you nor I have any exemption from the ordinary fate of humankind. If we relinquish our engagement with governance (and we have) we must suffer the consequences of our neglect, like the historical Empires that are tottering and the Nations that have perished.

We're going to have to take power back unto ourselves. But, for a while at least, some people are going to try to do it by grouping together in their resentment of a common “enemy”, hitting the streets and venting their rage. It won't work, of course, but that won't stop the hotheads from having a go. When they do, my suggestion is to be somewhere else.

My main hope is in strong gravitational forces above all this that counteract what we’re seeing today. I also see strong evolutionary forces in play. But, like all evolution that has been taken down a blind alley, things will probably get far worse before they get better.

What to do about it? Well, first and foremost, that's up to me to reclaim the authorship of my life, isn't it?

And you?

FREEDOM

The smallest prison in the universe is the secure, self-righteous cell of our own comfort zone. There is respite, of a sort, but no satisfaction or growth from a challenge well met, a lesson well learned, or a new level of awareness attained. In short, none of what we came here for. 

There is a world of difference between being free, and merely feeling not-bothered. We came from freedom, in freedom. But we could not know it, any more than a fish can "know" the water it showed up in. We came here, free to experience being not-free, free to lose our way,and experience not-freedom, so that we can work our way through to rediscover the joy of natural, contented being-ness -- and know it for the first time.

Free is what we are at our deepest core. We tap into that realm when we commit to engaging with the entirety of life -- not just dabbling with the bits we feel comfortable with.

Comfort and Satisfaction are not synonyms -- far from it.

HABITS OF PEOPLE I PREFER TO BE AROUND

HABITS OF PEOPLE I PREFER TO BE AROUND

Most of us can call to mind blunt, impolite, and even rude people who are somehow extremely successful. But not many.

I think we're all more likely to build the majority of our professional and personal relationships and do business with people with people we actually like. We're more naturally drawn to individuals who fall into two main groupings – those who are authentically polite, modest, agreeable, and/or kind; and those who pretend to be.

The reality is that most of us fall into the latter category, where the definition of a “friend” is “someone who'll go along with my pretences as long as I go along with theirs”. Niceties like Political Correctness were invented and are clung onto by this mob. But relationships between and with “pretenders” are less likely to be dynamic than relationships with people who are genuine. I'm certainly more open and drawn to people who leave me in no doubt, in given circumstances, as to where I stand in their esteem. I know where I stand with such people at such times, and can be appropriate to that if needs be.

People who fall into the Authentic category tend to suss out inauthenticity in people, and associate with it only if its unavoidable in the moment, or necessary to get something done. And they rarely get blind-sided by inauthenticity because they've seen it on the moral horizon. They know the meaning of Integrity, and how powerless are those who don't.

Authentic people can, and often will play the pretending game with inauthentic people just to get them out of the way, but they know what they're doing and why they're doing it. An inauthentic person doesn't realise when he/she is being conned; that's why they get suckered – again and again. The easiest person in the world to con is a conniver.

Inauthentic people are never short of bedfellows who'll give them agreement. Since they belong to the largest club in the world, they're often feeling lonely but rarely alone. By definition, authentic people commonly risk having to stand alone. Theirs is indeed the road less traveled. Authentic people are like prime numbers.

It's also true that authentic people quickly recognise one another. But by and large they don't spend a lot of time hanging out, and what time they do share is not spent doling out social strokes: they have things of consequence to do, situations to improve, and goals to accomplish. There's a mutual respect going on that is miles away from the communal suck-holing of the auxiliary.

The bottom line (if you'll pardon my expression) is that we're drawn to people we feel affinity with.

I know a bunch of authentic people, and here's how I see them doing it:

1. They willingly show a little vulnerability. 

One-upmanship is not part of their game – ever. Charming people look for ways and means where instead of creating winners and no losers, everyone involved benefits in ways that have value to them. They don't try to win any unstated competitions with people they meet. They resist the tribal urges to play Topdog/Underdog. They eschew pecking orders. In fact, they actively try to lose in the sense that they willingly take "risk" as the normal price of growth.

They risk themselves. They're supporting, not gulling. They're open to be impressed, but they're not impressionable. They're even willing to admit a weakness or a failure. They know that the space thus created is an open invitation for someone who can complement their weak spots with the skills they don't have. In interpersonal relationships in any sphere, they come from a ground being, not of equality, but of Evenness.

It's really easy. Say you meet a would-be Donald Trump and he says, "I just closed a fabulous deal to build the world's best golf course on the most amazing ocean-front property on the planet." Don't try to win. Instead say, "That's awesome. I'm jealous. I've wanted to build a small recreation facility for years, but can't line up the financing. How did you pull off such a huge deal?"

Charming people are confident enough to be unafraid to show a little vulnerability. They know that while some people may be, at least temporarily, impressed by the superficial, anyone who matters sincerely recognises and appreciates a genuine “how did you do that?” interest.

The other side of a genuine person is that they know how to be appropriate with a person who is showing vulnerability. They don't get uncomfortable or embarrassed, nor do they look for a chance to take advantage. They meet evenly with and supportively connect with the other person in that space.

They show they're genuinely glad to meet you. 
They don't “gush”. They meet you evenly. Their body language betrays genuine respect. In our Euro-Australian culture, genuine people establish eye contact, and return to it frequently during the intercourse. I make the cultural “Euro-Asian” concession, however, because in other cultures, including Australian aboriginal social interchanges, steady eye contact can be interpreted as disrespectful, and perhaps confrontational, and maybe even hostile. But a genuinely respectful person will already have sussed that out, either by research or by simply observing local behaviour. And out of respect that person will always be appropriate to the mores of the other.

In most cultures, however, customs are amazingly similar, betraying our common prehistoric origins. Genuinely empathetic people smile when you smile. They frown when you frown. They nod their head when you nod. While you're making a point, they give gentle physical and verbal cues that they're attending to you. In simple, non-verbal ways, they support your behaviour -- not in craven politeness, but because they're focused on what you're saying. They are genuinely with you in the moment, and somehow you know it. You have their full attention. Sometimes people say of them “While with her I felt I was the only person in the room”. What a stark difference from people who, while talking with you, let their gaze wander around the room. You remember that experience, don't you? And you remember how you felt when someone did that to you. Inauthentic people don't support you; at best, they mimic you. And they make noises of sympathy, rather than find a space for empathy.

The feedback loop that you get from a genuine person helps the two of you bond -- and the ability to bond is the essence of being human and, by the way, genuinely charming.

3. They search for creative engagement instead of agreement or contradiction. 

Unfortunately for social growth, friendship has been defined by most as the bond that exists between like-minded people in which each will be be agreeable with each other, even if that means being inauthentic. And one of those unspoken agreements is that each will tacitly go along with the inauthenticities of the other. 

I say “unfortunately” because relationships without some muscle and sinew in the intellectual and emotional give and take grow flabby, pale and stale. They lead to a laziness that winds up in one form or another of – “You're either with me or against me”. 

My point is that agreement purely for its own sake may make for short meetings, but not for trust, growth or progress. Social “niceness” is corrosive because it's based on a lie – the lie that “I know you're being phony with me, and I know that I'm being phony with you, but I'll pretend that's not so, as long as you do the same for me.” Sooner or later one party to that pretence feels the other has broken the deal, and all hell breaks loose. How could it not, when the so-called “friendship” is based on disloyalty to truth and a betrayal of deep, open connection.

Going contrary (feral) goes hand-in-glove with giving agreement; it is the opposite side of the same social coin. Purely out of cultural habit, born of the dual nature of the human mind, opposition is such an easy habit to fall into, so easy indeed that it becomes the default strategy for dealing with anything that doesn't neatly fit our expectations. And our surrounding social structures reinforce and give licence to the habit. Our Court systems and parliamentary legislative systems are adversarial. The system is based on the assumption that the strongest argument, the most certain position will win the day and will produce the best outcomes for all concerned. I question that assumption. Seriously. It has led to laws being made by those with the loudest voices, the most political power, and the greatest resources to bend the necessary people to their will. It's the law of Topdog and Underdogs. Someone wins, and everybody else loses. Yet we go along with it because, thanks to the duality of the mind, we think that's how it's supposed to be. 

It's ridiculously easy to automatically look for points of disagreement rather than agreement. It's far too easy to automatically take a different side. Because we do it all the time. And it never occurs to us that maybe there's a better way. In such a mindset, the best we hope for is Compromise, and we congratulate each other if it appears to be “workable”.

And it's easy to end up in what feels like an argument, but is actually much more than that – we wind up in a state of perpetual struggle and war with each other and our selves. Because we settle for workable compromises, tacit compliance and the attendant hidden resentment, calmness and equanimity evade us, and we never really work out why. We just know that we're chronically discontented, anxious, on edge and dissatisfied.

Charming people don't actively (or unknowingly) look to either agree or disagree, nor are they satisfied with compromise; they look for possibilities for discovery and progress in an atmosphere of eager co-operation. Creative people find the consensus-point of where we are now, then when it's appropriate, they gently lead everyone to view the situation or the idea from a different position -- and in that way, to insinuate a new way of seeing into the overall picture and help create an outstanding conversation about new possibilities. Creative people step deliberately into a situation and enlarge it, creating space and easing constricting tensions.

4. They (selectively) use the power of touch.

Non-sexual touch can be incredibly powerful. (I'm aware that sexual touch can be powerful too, thanks, but until both participants are ready for it and okay with it, the effect may counter-productive!)

Touch can influence behaviour, increase the chances of co-operation, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly, and can even help you make an enduring alliance.

Touch is a language that transcends verbal linguistic boundaries. For example, in one experiment the participants tried to convey twelve different emotions by touching another blindfolded participant on the forearm. The rate of accuracy for perceiving emotions like fear, anger, gratitude, sympathy, love, and disgust ranged from 43 percent to 83 percent -- without a word being spoken.

Say you're congratulating someone; shaking hands or (possibly better yet, depending on the situation) sensitively and reassuringly touching them gently on the shoulder or upper arm can help reinforce the sincerity of your words. The urge to express reassurance through touch, however, must be genuine and without embarrassment. It may sound ridiculous to warn that half-embarrassed punching or slapping will not achieve the intimacy you seek, but I've watched too many possibly great moments spoiled by such self-conscious constricting around the power of personal tactile entente.

5. They often dine out on their own foibles. 

And they're also not afraid to look a little silly. Ice skating in a koala outfit may be a little extreme, but charming people don't mind occasionally being in a situation where they aren't at their best.

And oddly enough, people tend to respect them more for that -- not less.

People who can't let go like that are seen as "aloof", “cold” and “uncaring”. That may be quite mistaken, but the mistake is understandable.

When you genuinely own your foibles, people don't laugh at you. They laugh with you. And they realise it's OK to let down their own guards and meet you at a genuine level.

6. They're masters of social Jiu-Jitsu.

Some people have a knack for getting you to talk openly about yourself. They ask open-ended questions. Without an underlying ploy to gain advantage, they sincerely want to know what you think, and that encourages you open up to a surprising degree. While in the presence of such a person, you feel like the most interesting man (or woman) in the world.

And you like them for letting you feel that way.

As soon as you learn something about someone, ask why they do it. Or how. Or what they like about it, or what they've learned from it. Charming people ask sincere questions that make it easy to answer in a thoughtful, introspective way. They make you think, in a good way, about yourself, and in the process make you feel interesting to be with too.

7. They always pass the "server test." 

You know how you go out to eat with someone and they're nice to you... yet dismissive of, or rude, or condescending to the waitress? That's the server test.

Charming people treat everyone the same way: as worthy and deserving of respect and kindness.

8. They're great with names. 

Memorable people remember names and even small details, often to a surprising degree. One of the greatest exponents of this was former WA Premier, Brian Burke. I watched him one night at a charity fundraising function at the Perth Italian Club. He dragged himself out of hospital to do a “Thankyou” circuit of the room. With over a thousand people in attendance, I don't think he missed anyone. The fact that Brian remembered every person's name instantly and without prompting made everyone feel pretty special. When you remember a person's name, and use it respectfully, that person instantly feels a little better about him/herself -- that means that, even in a small way, they matter.

It's automatically reciprocal. No-one ever forgets that you remembered them; that makes them feel better about the person who remembers them.

Yet even though charming people remember names...

9. They never name drop.

Genuine people may know cool people... but they don't talk about it. They don't need to. They're happy to be wherever they are on your Esteem Scale on their own merits, not thanks to someone really famous they may have once met. And that only adds to their charm.

10. They always let you talk more. 

And that makes you feel important.

Because you are. 

MEDITATIONS FOR BEGINNERS

MEDITATIONS FOR BEGINNERS ---

CHOOSE YOUR FLAVOUR

Beginning a meditation practice can be both exciting and intimidating. If you asked 10 random meditaters what style of meditation they practice, you would probably get 10 different answers. With such a variety of techniques and flavours available, it's common to feel overwhelmed and uncertain as to where or how to get started.

In a way, I was lucky because I'd been meditating all of my conscious life – I just didn't realise it. When my parents introduced me to the practice, they called it “praying”, and it took the forms of saying grace before meals, bedtime prayers kneeling beside the bed, and bowing my head while prayers were said in Sunday School and church. And such formula praying dwelt mainly on things like giving thanks and asking for blessings (whatever they might be) upon food, Mummy and Daddy, brother and sister, “the poor” (whoever they were), and asking God (whoever he was) to help me be a good boy, which meant mainly doing what I was told the instant I was told to do it. As I grew older I really needed help in dealing with feelings, emotions, desires and compulsions that I just couldn't understand, began feeling acutely the powerlessness of being me, and at the same time I got interested in girls. So my prayers began to earnestly ask for help in getting noticed and liked by whomever my passions currently blew hot for and, since the answer I usually got from God was a silent nothing, I had no idea of who else or how else to ask for help, and as far as I could tell God, if he heard me at all, was indifferent. It would be quite some time before I got the hang of real meditation, which has very little to do with asking for what you haven't got, and much more to do with finding out what you actually are. You, fortunately, need not wait so long.

Let's get started …........

Perhaps the best place to begin this is to consider, firstly, why do you want to meditate? What is your need right now? What do you hope to get from the practice? Once you become more precisely aware of what you want, it will probably become a little clearer which form of meditation you'd like to try first.

I first began meditating as a conscious exercise almost by accident at drama school, when I was picked by Hermes Martini, a student in the Stage Management Course, to take part in a piece of improvised theatre about Yoga. As part of my research I bought randomly a few books on the subject and read up and practised a few different techniques. I found some of them physically very difficult and, frankly painful, but one or two others to be very helpful in getting fairly quickly into a state of quietness and relaxation. Because I was working overnights from 10pm to 6am 10 days per fortnight to help keep a roof over our head and food on the table, and NIDA went at least 5 days per week from 9am to 5pm – often-times a lot longer – the relaxation techniques I learned made up for lack of sleep and probably saved my life and sanity. Maybe God had been listening after all.

Meditation is a word that has come to be used loosely and inaccurately in the modern world. That is why there is so much confusion about how to practice it. Some people use the word “meditate” when they mean thinking or contemplating; others use it to refer to daydreaming or fantasising. However, meditation (dhyana) is not any of these.

Meditation is primarily concerned with quieting the mind.  We all have a degree of suffering as a result of not achieving our various desires. These include the obvious physical necessities of food and clothing as well as such enjoyable things as a good reputation, a feeling of belonging and making a difference, the sound of pleasant and reassuring words and the comforting touch of a loved one. Some forms of suffering, such as the hunger of an extremely impoverished person, are more obvious than others. But in one way or another, we all hunger uncontrollably for things we feel we do not possess and think are not available to us. Thus when we talk about the true purpose of meditation we are sometimes talking about getting comfort, contentment, or something else we don't have; sometimes we're seeking relief from perturbation, and sometimes about getting insight and wisdom (enlightenment), an attainment that enables us to fulfill not only our own aims but also those of all others.

Meditation is a precise technique for resting the mind and attaining a state of conscious awareness that is totally different from our hitherto normal waking state. It is the means for fathoming all the levels of ourselves and finally experiencing the centre of consciousness within. Meditation is not a religion; it is a science, which means that the process of meditation follows particular orders, has definite principles, and produces results that can be verified.

From childhood onward, we have been educated only to examine and verify things in the external world. But no one has taught us how to look within, to find within, and to verify within. Therefore, while trying to get to know others. we remain strangers to ourselves. This lack of self-understanding is one of the main reasons our relationships don’t seem to work, and why confusion and disappointment so often prevail in our life.

Very little of the mind is cultivated by our formal educational system. The part of the mind that dreams and sleeps—the vast realm of the unconscious which is the reservoir of all our experiences—remains unexplored, undiscovered, and unknown; it is not subject to any discipline.

It is true that mind inhabits the whole body, but not the whole of the mind is in the body – not by a long shot. Except for the practice of meditation, there is no method to truly develop influence over the totality of either body or mind. And we certainly never get to know anything of ourselves beyond what we've slapped together in ego and now call our “personality”. It's comes as a shock to the system when, through meditation, we discover that our personality is not what we are at all.

So, if you're still wedded to the idea that you are your personality, your career, your body shape, your values, principles and beliefs, I respectfully suggest that meditation is not for you – not yet anyway. If, however, you've discovered that none of the above are working for you, and that everything you've based on what you think you are is going down the toilet, please read on. I may have something for you......

The goal of meditation is to go beyond the mind and experience the hidden subtleties of our essential nature—which is described as peace, happiness, and bliss. Without meditation we certainly have almost no chance of ever experiencing pure, unadorned, uncritical awareness, which is as close as we can get to what we really are, and in which what we are not, and everything else, arises and falls away again.

But as anyone who has tried to meditate knows, the mind itself is the biggest obstacle standing between ourselves and this awareness. The mind is undisciplined and unruly, and it resists any attempts to discipline it or to guide it on a particular path. The mind has a mind of its own and, make no mistake about this, will generate enough dissatisfaction and dis-ease to kill your spirit and maybe even your body rather than give up being right about itself. That is why many people sit for meditation and experience only fantasies, daydreams, or hallucinations. They never attain the stillness that distinguishes getting free of the mind and engaging with the genuine experience of living at a deeper level.

We are taught how to move and behave in the outer world, but we are never taught how to be calm and examine what's going on, and what is within ourselves. We have to learn to simply be with what we are. How crazy is that? You'd think it would be so easy just to be what we are! But the fact is that realtively few people ever get to experience that. But when we learn to do this through meditation, we attain the highest of all joys that can ever be experienced by a human being – simple awareness. All the other joys (and sufferings) in the world are momentary, but the awareness in meditation is immense and everlasting. It is the only permanent reality. This is not an exaggeration; it is a truth supported by the long line of sages, both those who renounced the world and attained truth, and those who continue living in the world yet, at the core of their being, remain unruffled by it.

Meditation is a practical means for calming yourself, for letting go of your biases, your filters and your blind spots and seeing what is, openly and clearly. It is a way of training the mind so that you do not get distracted and caught up in, and identify with its endless churning of separating thoughts, ideas, concepts, beliefs and opinions. Meditation teaches you to systematically explore your inner dimensions. It is a system of wilful commitment, not commandment. It is intentional, not incidental or accidental. You are committing to yourself, to your path, and to the goal of knowing all through knowing yourself. Learning to be calm and still should not become a mystical ceremony or religious ritual; it is a universal practical requirement of the human body and mind, and as such deserves to be part of your daily habits.

It is critical to understand is that while the primary GOAL of any meditation may be a state free of mental disturbance, the best METHOD to get there is NOT by trying to think of nothing. I tried that; it does not and will never work – “Hallelujah! I'm free of thought” is a thought!

I’ve lost count of the number of people who tell me that they can’t meditate because they can’t stop thinking during meditation. I tell them that it is perfectly normal to have thoughts during meditation, and that it is an indication that they are alive and human which is, after all, the whole point of living, isn't it?

Worrying about thinking while you're meditating is just ANOTHER thing to worry pointlessly about. Tragically, some people give up trying to meditate because of this misleading idea that they have to stop thinking. You cannot do it. Try it now. Go on, that thought you're thinking right now – yes, that one --- stop it. Go on, stop it. And that thought – stop that, too!

We cannot stop a thought arising. Thoughts just pop out of – nowhere. Pop! Another one. Pop! Even when we're asleep --- pop! Trying to stop thoughts is like wading into the surf and trying to quell the waves with your bare hands.

In meditation it becomes important to shift your perspective from the thoughts themselves to simply witnessing or noticing the thoughts (or feelings or events) that are arising in the space of your awareness. In meditation we learn to identify with our core of self awareness (the Atman), rather than with our thoughts. It's a simple matter of shifting the focus point of our attention. If you do this successfully, something very interesting might happen.

The goal of meditation is not to disappear the mind. You cannot live for more than a few minutes without your mind. Our problems have arisen because we've allowed Mind – the office messenger to run the whole company while we've gone out on the world's longest lunchbreak. The goal of meditation, as I understand it, is to find out what I am, to transcend the mind, busting it back to the mailroom, and taking back the reins of CEO, and once again experience directly the Oneness of What I Am with the Universe – something beyond thought, or thinking or imagining, and certainly beyond words.

We have experienced that before, you know, but we were too young at the time to remember it now, so getting enlightened is the greatest homecoming of all time to The Source so that we can consciously experience it for the first time.

In general, people begin to take up a meditation practice because they suspect that there is more to life than what they're experiencing at the moment. True?

The best way to begin is to familiarise yourself with some of the different types of meditation to see what resonates with you. Here are a few of the more common styles that are great for beginners.

Breath-Awareness Meditation

Meditation is very simple. It is simply attending – being present and available in the moment. There would hardly be a person on the planet still breathing for whom this is not possible. Even while deep in a coma, my daughter was present and available. Since you're not in a coma, you can begin by simply noticing your breath, entering and leaving, and then if a thought comes, notice it, be open to it—then just let it pass on through. Then you can come back to the breath. Your normal (habitual) response is to react to your thoughts, all 50,000 + of them every day. You notice particular ones and chase after them, jumping on board and wrestling them. This keeps you ever busy in a sea of confusion and leads to dis-ease and exhaustion. Meditation teaches you to attend to what is taking place within, without reacting, without getting involved in any way, and this makes all the difference. It brings you freedom from being towed around by the mind and its meanderings and convulsions. And in this freedom you begin to experience who you are, distinct from your mental turmoil. You are not your turmoil (or your happiness for that matter). There is all that stuff, and there is you, simply and uncritically aware of it all. Stuff is no loner”my” stuff; it is just stuff. And you are merely the uninvolved watcher. You experience inner joy and contentment, you experience relief and inner relaxation, and you find a respite from the tumult of your life. You have given yourself an inner vacation.

This inner vacation, however, is not a retreat from the world. It is rather a new way of being totally alive in it without succumbing to it on its rules. This new way of “being with” is the foundation for finding inner peace. You must also learn to apply the principle of attending in your worldly activities, so that you can apply yourself in the world more effectively. Through practicing meditation you can learn to be spaciously open to what comes before you in your daily life and give it your full, clear-eyed attention without breaking stride.

Ordinarily, we react externally to the experiences that come before us in much the same way that we react internally to the thoughts we entertain. If someone says something negative to you, you become angry or depressed. If you lose something, you become off-centred and emotionally upset. Your mood depends on what comes before you, and, as a result, your life is like a roller coaster ride, utterly at the mercy at the twists and turns of fate. You react before you give yourself a chance to fully experience what you are reacting to. You immediately interpret what you see or hear according to your programmed expectations, fears, prejudices, or resistances. You do not see anything clearly as it simply is; your interpretations jump in first, not giving you a chance to see the clear reality of it. You short-circuit the experience, and thus limit yourself to one or two conditioned reactions instead of responding to a situation openly and creatively.

But if you apply the principle of meditation to experiences that come before you, you can fully attend to what is taking place. You can attend to your initial reaction without reacting to your reaction: “Oh, look how threatened I feel by that.” Let yourself be open to experiencing your reaction and it will move through you and allow other spontaneous responses to also come forward, so that you can select the one that is most helpful in that particular situation. And once you get used to it, this self-examination can happen quite quickly.

At the outset, Breath-awareness meditation is a simple practice of finding a comfortable seat, closing your eyes, and placing your attention in the inhalation and exhalation of your breath. Breath awareness is an effective way to establish greater mind-body connection and to reduce stress. This type of meditation can be your preferred meditation practice each day and it is also highly useful during moments of tension in the workplace and at home. It can last anywhere from several hours to two or three seconds. And you don't have to go to some temple to do it – you can do it wherever you are, whenever you are. And its a fantastic way to gently snap you back to the here and now.

Guided Meditation

Guided meditations have become increasingly popular since the '80's. A guided meditation is led by someone else, either in person or via a recording, that will usually (although, not always) have a theme and relaxing music playing in the background. Guided meditations are generally conducted in quiet areas away from noisy distractions, and last anywhere from 10 to 45 minutes, depending on the purpose or theme, and they come in all styles—including healing, manifesting, and going within to find your essential self and purpose. Because guided meditations are led by another person, this style of meditation is great for beginners and those who may struggle with sitting still or lying down for more than just a few minutes at a time. They are also beneficial if you would like to enhance your existing practice or focus your energy and attention on a specific outcome. 

See if there are any guided meditations being offered in your community where you can go to meditate with like-minded individuals. Many yoga studios, community centres and wellness clinics offer guided meditation classes, which can be a great way to ease into your meditation practice. Alternatively, you can purchase guided meditation recordings at health food stores, wellness clinics and online.

Visualisation Meditation

Visualisation meditation is a powerful way to use the mind to influence the body and can also be an empowering way to underpin and fuel the processes of physical, mental and spiritual healing, and manifesting desired outcomes in your life. Deepak Chopra teaches that what we place our attention on grows stronger and what we take our attention away from will begin to diminish. The unconscious mind is extremely powerful and it works very well with imagery – a lot more effectively and powerfully than with logic and reason. We can all listen to lectures and read books about creating a new reality for ourselves, but the chances of igniting a bonfire therefrom are minimal. In the hands of a skilled facilitator of visualising meditation, however, the chances of sparks being created are almost 100 percent because it is the participant who brings his/her own raw personal experiences to the moment, and who does the work. Meditation is spiritual DIY.

One common visualisation practice is centred around health. By visualising your body-mind as being healthy, vibrant, and energised—or grounded, peaceful, and calm—you can begin to elicit these things both mentally, emotionally and physically. Another approach is using visual imagery for creative purposes. By constructing an image in your mind of what your life might look like after having accomplished a goal and really seeing yourself having already achieved it is a way to begin living in ways that support the manifestation of your desired outcome. Visualisation puts you in a frame of being that is conducive to bringing forth what you desire. A side benefit is that you get to discover a lot about yourself that you never realised before.

To meditate using visual imagery, practice the following:

1. Identify your desired outcome. For example, do you wish to feel more grounded and at peace in your mind and emotions? Or would you like to envision your physical body as being healthy, vibrant, and strong? Or are you longing to create art, write poetry, be in a new relationship, or travel abroad?
2. Create internal representations of what this looks, sounds, and feels like. Make each one as real and as compelling as possible. Don't be afraid to add to or modify your visions. When I first started this kind of work I was exhorted to create one vision and stick to it. I found this to be a big mistake, perhaps because my vision is always bound to be limited, creating limiting expectations of what “should” be. Well, if that isn't ego, what is? I've found that the Creator doesn't like “oughts” or “shoulds”. Colin & Gail introduced me to a rider to add to each visualisation – “this or something better”. I felt the relaxation instantly, and the moment I relax and let go something, the flow of possibility surges immediately. What we're trying to do here is not to create the whole building in every detail and set it in concrete, but to launch a dynamic seedling that will, of itself, grow with the rest of a universe that supports, nurtures and sustains it.
3. Enter into a meditative state by relaxing and taking some deep breaths and then bring the image into your awareness. Associate yourself into the picture by stepping inside it and feeling it as if it is already happening. Imagine what it feels like “from the inside”. Allow your vision to grow with you as you bring it to realisation.
4. When it's time to come out of meditation, simply allow the image to fade off into the distance and relinquish any attachment to outcome. I have found this step to be absolutely crucial. Colin said more than once “You cannot truly have anything that you're not prepared to NOT have.” He understood better than anyone I knew until then the limiting, strangling effect of attachment. Attachment presupposes separation – the very opposite of the purpose of meditating. What we are seeking is integral to us, and our ability to manifest it is utterly dependent upon our one-ness with that which we're bringing forth. Perhaps a few moments specifically meditating the difference between “attachment” and “One-ness” may help you here. There are no right or wrong answers: just take what you get, when you get it. Take a deep breath, breathe it in and allow every “got-it” to infuse through you.
5. Meditate in this fashion anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes each day.

Japa or Mantra-Based Meditation

Japa meditation is a mantra-based meditation path that is one of the oldest, most revered classical techniques known today. The word “mantra” translates to “mind vehicle” or “mind instrument”. Japa meditation has the practitioner repeating a word or phrase for the duration of the meditation, with the mantra being the focal point throughout. One such mantra is that centred on the sound -- “om”.

During the practice, whenever you drift away from the mantra to other thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations, you simply guide your attention back to the mantra. Think of it as a dance back and forth between mantra and thought. Some mantras have a specific meaning or a particular resonance when it's vocalised, and it’s said that by repeating the mantra, you are connecting to the energetic essence of its intention. Other mantras purposely have no meaning and are designed to help access deeper levels of silence. In this approach, eventually the mantra and thoughts will cancel one another out. When this happens, you fall into silence as your conscious awareness transcends the busyness of the mind and reaches higher vibrational- frequency levels of consciousness.

Popular styles of mantra-based meditation can be easily learned in person or online.

Loving-Kindness or Metta Meditation

Metta meditation, also known as Loving-Kindness meditation, is designed to cultivate four qualities of love: friendliness (Metta), compassion (Karuna), appreciative joy (Mudita), and equanimity (Upekkha). The quality of Metta, or friendliness, is expressed as a genuine compassion sent out with the intention of surrounding ourselves and others with loving kindness, often imagined in the form of a coloured aura. With all that is going on in the world today, Metta meditation is a worthwhile practice for each of us to spend some time in each day. This style of meditation also works well as an entrance point for the practice of forgiveness and can be a powerful tool for lessening the charge of negative emotions we have toward those who have wronged us.

Another variation will have you think silently to yourself, “May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be truly happy.” You would then bring someone else into your mind (someone you love and/or someone who you are feeling challenged by) and say silently, "May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be truly happy.” You may then bring all of humanity into your awareness and send the same intention out to the collective—to all sentient beings, “May we be filled with loving kindness. May we be well. May we be peaceful and at ease. May we be truly happy.”

Once you have done this meditation a few times and you remember the process, you can begin to do the meditation on your own without listening to the audio file. Choose whatever language you prefer to use and practice this meditation for a period of time to see how it resonates with you.

So, from here onward......

Once you’ve tried a few different types of meditation, you will have a better idea of what resonates with you and what doesn't. The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong meditation; there are many paths that all lead to the same destination, and the beauty of life is that we get to choose our own path.

Keep it simple at the beginning and just feel out some different techniques. When you find one that you enjoy, the next step is to set aside 15 to 20 minutes each day to cultivate your meditation practice. From there, tend to your practice each day until it becomes a new habit and you will experience life-changing benefits.

And they won't always be ones that you expect. But observe – you will see their perfection – in time.