My fairly recent awakening to the existence and availability of Infinite Possibility came just in the nick of time. After 60 years of living in a permanent state of anxiety and anger, I succumbed to the Black Death -- chronic fatigue and depression. I just didn't have the energy to resist it any longer.
I didn't care much whether I lived or died. I wasn't about to top myself; I was too tired to bother. I just didn't care about living any more. Nothing mattered.
Then something shifted, and I don't quite know how to put it into words, but here goes...........
You know those 3-D pictures that look like a flat, jumbled pattern of coloured squiggles? You stare at it and de-focus on the detail until there comes, of its own accord, a click-shift in your perception. Suddenly there is revealed a magical, three-dimensional world that you never knew existed. The picture as such has not changed, but your view of it is magically transformed in the blink of an eye.
My transformation felt similar. Not caring about what others thought and feeling that nothing mattered any more suddenly became a source of freedom, possibility, lightness, and even exhilaration! Without my having to do anything about it, my grip on life loosened. I surrendered to the "Is-ful Ah-ness" (Les Murray) of that moment. It happened without warning one afternoon as I was walking to the bus-stop on my way to work. I became sharply aware aware of the space in, around and through me being choc-full of Possibility. The sense of freedom that washed over and through me in that moment was en-lightening!
Nothing had changed, and I've never been the same since!
As I daily become more aware of the infinite possibilities that flow within and around me, I find myself using my own spirit, rather than other people, signs, omens, or random coincidences, as my guiding reference points. I rely less on the either the approval or disapproval of others in order to feel good about myself. I feel lighter; I fear less than I used to. And I've been able to give up the need to try and control the uncontrollable (which is just about everything). I've lost the need to feel special or important. I'm losing the need to hang onto being "safe" and "right". I'm beginning to discover the security of the unknown, the serenity of the silence that is ever-present, and the unlimited potential of nothing.
"I" used to sally forth, ever outwards, looking for More, looking for Better, looking for Different out there in the "real" world. The further I ventured out, the further away I got from that-which-I-am, and the harder I had to work to maintain the illusion of a personality. The further I wandered away from the source of power, the more energy I needed to beg, borrow or steal from others in order to keep going. In my quest for importance and immortality, I weighted myself down with acquisitions -- social position, important responsibility, ideas, beliefs and opinions, influence over others. The horse was riding the jockey, and the jockey was cripplingly exhausted.
There was never enough success or importance to fill the dead emptiness of a persona dis-connected from its source.
Nothing significant has changed since. I still have much the same persona (or is that "personum?); I'm still the same holy arsehole I've always been. But I'm seeing myself in another light -- in the light of Possibility. And that lightness is immensely attractive to surprising new possibilities. More of everything has come to me in the last 12 months, all without any conniving or manipulation games. But only since I began to live each day in Gratitude for what I am and what I have in this moment. That is transformation!
In an ocean of infinite possibilities, I am one possibility that showed up like a ripple on the surface. So did you. Even the tiniest ripple is still made of the same stuff as the ocean which gives rise to it. I Am that which I'd been looking for. I am not the ripple, but That which is permanent and remains after the ripple has washed up on the shore. I am that which is Aware of everything I previously thought I was. Unlimited possibility is inherent in that Awareness, from which has arisen everything that has ever been, is now, or ever will be.
From here/now anything is possible.
Now that's aliveness!
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