I spent nigh on 50 years of my early life being towed around by a need to search for the "meaning and significance of life". Then I got the joke, and it was on me -- there is no meaning or significance to life, and it doesn't mean anything, nor is it significant that there's no meaning or significance to it Wow. Still chuckling, I was freed to get on with the joy of experiencing whatever was happening, without getting distracted from the experience and bogged down in trying to figure out "What the hell does this mean about life, the world and me in all of it?"
Free at last! .... except sometimes. When my ego stepped back into the office, an emotional need for some sense of perspective and purpose once again reared its ugly head. And since I'm stuck with my ego, at least for the time being, I found myself challenged to deal with this illegitimate, unnecessary, but nevertheless real need for Meaning and Significance. Here's what I found that helped me and has helped others who've brought their quest for meaning up with me.....
A sense of Meaning arises from adopting --
- A coherent philosophy of life
- An optimistic interpretation of why we took on the challenge of materialising as a human being, rather than as, say, a microbe or a lump of rock
- A firm handle on what is important to "me" -- a sense of values
- Something to do each day that allows "me" to express these things.
1) A coherent philosophy of life involves having a clear idea about life in general and for the "I" and the "me" in it. A philosphy that works for you. It's a framework that makes emotional sense to you and serves you in your quest for peace and purpose. Don't worry if it's "right" or "wrong"; those terms were invented by others who wanted to manipulate you into adopting their beliefs and opinions which, truth be known, probably weren't working for them either. And don't buy into criticisms that having your life work for you is "selfish". If your life is truly working for you, and my life is truly working for me, then life is working.
Now since life is always twisting and turning (hadn't you noticed?), a vital philosophy of life won't be carved in stone. It will change and adapt as you grow in experience. It's essential to get that, whatever ideas you adopt, they should serve you, not the other way around. If you find yourself getting defensive or fighting for your ideas about life, they've probably gone way past their Use-By date and become a Belief.
2) An optimistic interpretation of what being alive is all about for you does not mean "positive thinking". It means recognising and accepting that positive and negative attitudes are two, inseparable sides of the same coin, and that all positions are self-proving. No matter where we stand, we get to be right about it, well, in the only place that matters -- in our own minds. But Life has this habit of throwing up situations that invite or challenge us to move around and try out new points of view and strategies that work, just for today. If we find ourselves feeling righteous about something, it's a pretty good sign we've sat there for too long.
3) A third source of Meaning is a sense of Values. We all have values, but very few of us have a clear idea of exactly what they are. Most of us would be hard-pressed to name more than 10 of our values (although we have scores of them), and even harder pushed to describe what we mean by them. For example, "honesty" --- on a scale of 1 to 10, how much honesty do you want? From 1 to 10, or from 4 to 5.5? Do you really want an honest answer to "Does this make my bum look big?"
There are several advantages to discovering what our values are. One is that we find what our guiding beacons really are; what principles govern many of our choices. Another advantage is that we discover that we have many values that contradict and conflict with each other, depending on the circumstances. Such discoveries take us a long way towards those times when we behave seemingly inconsistently, or why we might be "in two minds" about something. A third advantage to finding out what our values are is that we discover that our values sort themselves into hierarchies of importance, and that those hierarchies flick and change in less than a blink of an eye, according to circumstances and who we're with at the moment. Once we know this about ourselves and others, we are less likely to be taken by surprise at when we, or others, behave in ways that are judged as inconsistent or even hypocritical.
4) The last source of Meaning is the kind of activities we choose to undertake each day. If we have a fluid, coherent outlook on life and how it works for ourself, if we have a reasonably optimistic interpretation of what opportunities for experience just being alive as "you" provides you, and if you have a good grasp on what's important to you in the present situation, then you are more likely to choose activites and things to do that help you express those aspects of the self you are creating yourself to be. That is a major source of contentment and fulfilment.
So much for satisfying our need for Meaning. How about Significance? How do we satisfy our need to feel considerable and that we make a difference? Having already covered most of this ground, the rest is fairly simple and straighforward....
Having people depend on us is part of the picture. Be the kind of person that can be depended upon. Keep your agreements, not out of some misplaced sense of duty, but as an expression of the who-you-are.
Another part of feeling significant comes from becoming involved with something bigger than your self. What that might be is entirely up to you. You could start with where you are employed. Start with your family. Start with your friends. Start with something that appeals to your spirituality. Start with something that appeals to your sense of community. Start involving yourself with something that aligns with what gives you a sense of Meaning and offers you an opportunity to express what you've discovered is important to you. Anything that offers you an opportunity to explore and expand your experience and stretch you possibilities, preferably on a daily basis. Remember the adage, "If you don't use it, you'll lose it."
As a result of undertaking any or many of the above opportunities, you will begin to develop the final skill for owning the ground you stand on -- developing a coherent self-image that works for you. We all have a carping critic within whose negative evaluations don't serve us well at all. The words he/she uses and the quality of emotional energy that drives them home may originally have been meant to motivate us to do better, but they went into a desperate overkill years ago. It's time to put that critic to better use. He/she has the advantage of knowing all your secrets, and that's a rather handy person to have on your side.
You might like to try this game. Imagine you are an understanding aunt or uncle who cares deeply for you, and you are having a kind conversation with your critic. As this caring aunt/uncle, ask your critic what he/she thinks about your shortcomings. Your critic may say "He's rude. He's arrogant. He's a coward. He's scared." Now let this uncle/aunt say back to your critic, I know this person. You misunderstand him. He's not rude; he's up-front and very honest. He's not arrogant; he's highly perceptive and intelligent -- and honest. He creates you as able to handle the truth. He's honouring you. He's not a coward; yes, he's afraid, but that makes him courageous because he doesn't cop out. Sure, he's scared, but that doesn't stop him facing up to his fears. You can trust him to be there for you, whatever happens."
In this game, you become your own best friend, and you acknowledge that every criticism that was ever levelled at you was done so in love -- because you say so, and for no other reason. You choose to change the way you see yourself, not denying the negative stuff, but balancing it out with the positives that have so far escaped your attention. The opposite of a negative self-image is not a positive one, but a comprehensive and coherent one that acknowledges and integrates all your traits and characteristics into a coherent and authentic wholeness.
That is the essence of Integrity. Everything in balance. Nothing omitted. Nothing denied. Everything significant, and nothing more significant than anything else.
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