MANIPULATORS – 8 WAYS
TO GET YOUR POWER BACK
Manipulation occurs when one person or group of people is used for
the benefit of another. The behaviour is all about exercising power,
exerting influence through forms of coercion or compulsion. The forms of
influence may be physical, psychological, financial, moral, social or
emotional.
Out of two classes of relationships, Horizontal and Vertical,
manipulation only occurs in vertically oriented associations in which it is
possible for one person or group of people to manufacture a superior influence
over another, or others. Manipulators and Controllers cannot operate in
situations where relationships are even.
A manipulator deliberately creates a superior/inferior hierarchy and
an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim(s) to serve his
or her own agenda. The manipulator's agendas are rarely openly declared,
and in some cases are cleverly disguised, for example as charity (“I'm doing
this for your own good”) or guilt (“I'm the victim here, and your behaviour
has been hurting me”).
In every case of manipulation there is a symptomatic imbalance of
personal power. In a given situation one party in the relationship has more
power than the other – over the other. This observation applies in any
relationship, whether it be husband/wife, siblings, extended family, clubs and
societies, adult/child, work or career, amateur or professional politics,
teacher/student, bully/victim..... the elements of vertical hierarchy and of
Power Imbalance are at the core.
Any situation in which an individual or group has allowed some one or
some others to take a position of authority, there lies an open invitation for
manipulators, controllers and bullies to move in. Initially the delegation of
authority is probably for the sake of convenience and simplicity, but the
prices paid by the underlings in loss of response-ability are, I contend, way
too high.
It's relevant to note, though, that imbalances of power are ingrained in
our social behaviour, leading to social, psychological and economic
consequences. You can look almost anywhere on the evolutionary tree and see
evidence of power-plays, overt displays of agreed superiority and periodic,
seasonal struggles for dominance to sort out those who are currently
“better-than” and those who are now ”less than”. Those tussles are usually
followed by occasional rituals to reinforce supremacy. You can observe for
yourself the changes in body language and behaviour once it's decided who is
dominant and who is submissive. It seems almost that we're doomed, for a while
at least, to give away our personal author-ity, perhaps to experience how it
feels to be de-powered and then discover in the recovery process what true
power really is.
It may be a hard exam, but success is life-changing.
Hierarchy is a game that humans are
quite capable of playing both instinctively and consciously. For example, if
you watch keepers and scientists with great apes, you notice how they overtly
assume submissive body language and temper in order to get close to their
subjects without getting ripped apart. A more subtle example will be familiar
to airline travellers who patronise different airlines from differing countries
– cultural differences are quite evident in the way cabin crews treat their
passengers. Passengers, especially in Premium Economy, Business or First class
will often choose an airline whose crews best suit their level of desired
deference.
I also watch it between humans engaged in everyday activities. Day after
day I meet people on the streets or in shopping malls who seem to walk around
with body language and demeanours that range from “I mean business; don't mess
with me” to “Victim here; feel free to have a go.” A great exponent of such
demeanour ranges is American stage and film actor William H. Macy.
Before we go too much further into this I also want to share my
Topdog/Underdog Theory. I have noticed that every person is quite capable (and
mostly well practiced) in assuming an Underdog stance with his “betters”, then
spinning 180 degrees at the speed of thought to Topdog while with someone who's
lower on that person's pecking order. Jesus the Christ even told a story about
it in the parable of the Debtor.
Furthermore, when such individuals who are unaware of their own duality
in this regard get together, a Pack Mentality takes over, and to shore up their
shaky assumptions of superiority, they focus on a sub-group of lesser beings
whom they will identify and pick on in order to feel better about themselves.
You'll see this in so-called “reality” TV shows like “Big Brother” and
“Survivor”. Try watching “Judge Judy”, who is an obscenely rich bully using her
legal status, education and wealth to lord it over willing victims in the name
of entertainment.
On a more global scale, there is no shortage of church patriarchs,
labour union bosses and political leaders who will use the same dynamics to
avoid scrutiny of their own activities, and control their subjects by diverting
attention and opprobrium onto refugees, independents, Greens, Jews, Muslims,
terrorists, multi-national companies, bosses – “all your problems are down
to those bad bastards, and you need to have me around to save you from them.”
And human duality ensures absolutely that, within each “designated untouchable”
group, the same Topdog/Underdog split will occur. It seems to never end, and it
won't, without conscious intervention, by you and me saying “No more! Not in my
house!” to those who try it on with us.
Just as overlords never seem to go short of serfs, pawns and puppets
will always find someone to manipulate and dominate them, It looks as if each
is symbiotically attracted to the other.
Manipulators may use one or more of several means to keep the power
pendulum swinging their way for as long as possible – physical force,
psychological coercion, financial inducement or deprivation – all common in
cases of domestic violence, career mesmerisation, social incentives or
isolation, and outright blackmail are just some of the most popular power
plays. The mistake perpetrators make is that they think they can maintain it
forever. From my observations, that's a big mistake. The universe strikes me as
a self-balancing organism. Pendula will swing back, and not just to the centre.
As Tevye says in “Fiddler On the Roof” – If you spit in the wind it lands in
your face.
SPOILER ALERT…….SPOILER ALERT……….SPOILER
ALERT………!!
Perpetrators take note, subjects take heart. Abusers, controllers and
manipulators are defying Universal Law. They’re each, here and now, on a short
cut to Nowhere.
The central issue is Abuse. Let's call it for what it is. Enough is
already out there in terms of how to assist both the victims and the
perpetrators of Manipulation. What I'm offering in this article is a series of
general steps you can take and things you can do for yourself and/or pass on to
others in order to take care of yourselves, reclaim your personal power and
keep your selves intact until the dinosaurs eventually destroy themselves…….
1) Know your boundaries, and those of others
The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with
a manipulative person is to know your boundaries, recognise when
they’re being violated, and call the perpetrator on his/her intrusion. I have a
dictum that I still live by, and it is this – My rights end where yours
begin”. You will do well to remember that the corollary is also true – another
person's rights end where yours begin. Any relationship of
Manipulator/Manipulated is one in which at least two people either don't care
or don't know where the boundaries are. If you want to stop being manipulated,
first find out where your boundaries really are (hint: anywhere somebody is
walking all over you or your ideas or feelings is inside your real boundary),
then start putting out clear warning signs, and be prepared to call it out if
the warnings are ignored.
Within reasonable bounds, you have the right to stand up for
yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm
to others, you do forfeit your rights. When anyone ignores my warning
shots more than once, I introduce the violator to the Law of Consequences.
This, by the way, has little to do with notions of “crime” and “punishment”;
it's more basic and less personal than that – e.g. if you put your hand on a
hot stove, you will get burned.
Since many people of my generation had an upbringing that, in some
aspects, was not big on mutual regard for boundaries, I offer this as a general
guideline for those who, like me, lurched into adulthood with no idea that we
had a right to even have boundaries, let alone know where they are. Following
are some of our fundamental human rights.
- You have the right to be treated with respect.
- You have the right to communicate your feelings, opinions and
wants. Notice I said your “right to communicate”, not to dump your stuff
on someone else.
- You have the right to set and communicate your own priorities,
and have them treated with respect.
- You have the right to say “No” without being needled into
feeling guilty.
- You have the right to get what you pay for.
- You have the right to have opinions, beliefs and attitudes
different than others and share them when appropriate. That right does not
extend to pushing your stuff onto others.
- You have the right to take care of and protect yourself
from being threatened physically, mentally, emotionally, financially or
socially.
- You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
With each Right comes an equal Responsibility to unconditionally put out
the empathy and respect you’d prefer to get back. The key word in that last
sentence, by the way, is “unconditionally”; if your giving out is in any way conditional,
you are manipulating. As I said before, if you manipulate others, you
do forfeit your rights.
These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries.
Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect
these rights. That's just what-is. Psychological manipulators,
in particular, want to infiltrate or deprive you of your rights
so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power
and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the
manipulator, who’s in charge of your life. The sooner you learn how
to do that without disempowering your self by coming from a “victim” place, the
better it will be both for you and the poor bastard who's come to the
conclusion that the only way to get some juice out of life is to cheat it or squeeze
it out of others.
2) Keep an optimum distance
The trick is to stay close enough to be available for evolutionary
engagement if and when things change, and far enough away for each of you to
efficiently mind your own businesses in the meantime.
One way to detect a manipulator is to see
if a person acts with different faces in front of different
people and in different situations. All of us do a mild degree
of this type of social differentiation – mirroring vocal and body
language can actually help the process of connecting. But psychological
manipulators tend to habitually dissemble for the main purpose of hiding
themselves and their motives. They become adept at being highly polite
to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless
one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type
of incoherent behaviour from an individual on a regular
basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless
you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic
psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not
your job to analyse, change or save them.
No-one else should have to change for you to be contented and
productive. If you feel they ought to, then you are manipulating. If the playground
you're in is ruled by topdogs, learn your lessons, and look around for another
playground that better suits your interests and level of growth in
consciousness.
3) Avoid Taking Things Personally and Judging Yourself Harshly.
Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your
weaknesses, and such people are usually very good at it,
it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame
yourself for either giving into, or not satisfying the manipulator. So before
you may be tempted to beat up on yourself for getting sucked into being manipulated,
please remember it is not about you. The manipulator is the only one whose
needs are being met. You are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated
to think you are somehow at fault and to feel bad about yourself,
so that you’re more likely to cede your power and rights to the
Controller.
If you’re bothered by a manipulative person, you might find the
following questions helpful in clarifying things for yourself:
- What specifically is it about this that is upsetting me?
- What have I learned, especially about myself, from my experience
with this person so far?
- Am I being treated with genuine respect, or is this
person either pretending for show, or using “niceness' to get something
out of me?
- Is there an element in this that “I need” to do a certain thing, or
stop doing a certain thing, or be a certain way in order for someone else
to be happy?
- Is this really my “need” or is the need more someone else's?
- Is there a possible benefit to me to comply with this other
person's expectations? What is it?
- Are this person’s expectations and demands of me in any
way reasonable? If so, from which perspective?
- Do I
really want this person to have control over this [art of my life?
- Who is making the bulk of the decisions right at this moment?
- Who makes the major decisions?
- Whose business is this really – yours or the other person's? [Hint:
Which of you ultimately benefits from the required outcome? If you don't
benefit, it ain't your business.]
- Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way
or two ways? Are there conditions attached, and who is more bound by
those – you or the other person?
- Who has the bulk of the power at this moment? How can that be more
evenly balanced?
- Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this
relationship?
- What am I most afraid might happen if I leave this relationship
altogether?
- What am I most afraid might happen if I stay?
- What kind of person do I want to be next?
- In the light of this, what would I prefer to happen next?
- What's something I can do to bring that about?
Your answers to these questions give you important clues about
whether the “problem” and responsibility in the relationship
is primarily with you or the other person.
4) Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions
Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests
(or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out
of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable
solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the
manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see
if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognise the
inequity of their ambit. For example:
- Does this seem reasonable to you?
- Does what you want from me sound fair?
- Do I have a say in this?
- Are you asking me or telling me?
- So, what do I get out of this?
- Are you really expecting me to ….... [restate the inequitable
request]?
When you ask such or similar questions, your aim will be to hold
up a mirror so the manipulator can at least take a second look
and, if you leave your question hang in silence, perhaps see the true nature
of his or her ploy, and see that you've seen it. If the
manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will
likely back away a little. If not, you know you’re dealing with somebody who could
be seriously overwhelmed by some condition.
If there’s no evidence of empathy in his/her response to you, truly
pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist or someone with a fair
degree of autism) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their
way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your
integrity intact, and halt the manipulation.
5) Use Time to Your Advantage
In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will
often also expect an answer from you right away, to gratify a need to
pressure and control you in the situation. (Sales people call this
«closing the deal».) During these moments, instead of responding
to the manipulator’s request right away, consider leveraging time
to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate
influence. You can redeem some initiative over the situation simply
by saying: “Let me think about it.” Controllers hate this – they get
nervous about the prospect of letting anything “off the hook”.
Consider how powerful these five words, “Let me think about it” are
from a customer to a salesperson, or from a romantic
prospect to an over-eager pursuer, or from you
to a manipulator. “Let me think about it.” Suddenly the weight has
shifted from the other end of the see-saw to the middle. Suddenly the
manipulator has lost the high ground. You've detached yourself, at least for a
time, from his/her direct control and inserted your right to independence. The
first time I tried this, the boss said sarcastically “how long will your thinking
about it take?” Feeling uncharacteristically empowered I replied softly and
matter-of-factly, “It will take as long as it takes for me to fully consider
your offer.” He snapped petulantly “You're being a smartarse!” I sighed “Yes,
you could be right. I'll get back to you” and left the room.
Had he pressed the matter, I'd have said (as I have in odd similar
situations since), “Well, if you insist on an immediate answer, it will be
“No”. But if, after thinking about it, I change my mind, I'll let you know.”
Then … do not speak another word. Here's where you can play them at
their own game. As super salesman Tom Hopkins said to me once “There come
moments when it's time to shut up. The next person to speak loses that hand.”
(That advice is typical from controllers who are very much about “winning” and
“losing”).
Don't be in any hurry to “think about it.” Take the time you need to
centre yourself, then calmly evaluate the pros and cons
of a situation, and consider whether you want to negotiate
a more equitable arrangement, or if you’re better off
by saying “no”, leads us to our next point:
6) Know How To Say "No” ― Diplomatically And Firmly
To be able to say “No” diplomatically and firmly, you
first have to reach a quiet, centred space within where you can give a gentle
but unequivocal inner “yes” to your “No”. Give yourself permission and the
absolute authority to say “No”, without any equivocation or apology (I'm
sorry but... I have no choice.... Don't do that; it weakens your stand.) If
you were brought up, as I was, to believe that saying “No” was punishable by a
long stint in hell, you may have to be very patient with yourself and practice
how to say “No” without leaning on crutches. Giving yourself permission to say
“No” without feeling you have to justify yourself is a new skill, and one you
must now acquire as part of maturing.
Remember that there are times when your
reasons for a decision you make may well be none of the other person’s
business. That's why claiming time to “think about it” can be so essential for
you.
Your next task is to practice the art of communicating,
cleanly and directly – saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. When
effectively articulated, clear Intention allows you to stand your
ground while maintaining a workable relationship. It's clear to everyone
where you stand. “I misunderstood you” is harder to justify, especially
if, having communicated your message, you immediately asked the other person to
feed back to you what they think you've just said (in a firm but
non-threatening tone).
It might help to remind yourself that any relationship where one or more
parties have to give ground on any of their rights in deference to another
without prior balancing negotiation – such a relationship is never going to be
workable. Never. In its present form it will not sustain either of you. Just
because things go quiet for a while, you may kid yourself that “Whew!
Everything's all right again!” You're not the first, and you won't be the last
to fall into that delusion. You may have to repeat your stand many times over
before they “get it”. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the
right to set your own priorities, the right to say “No” without
feeling guilty, and the right to insist that you choose your own path to a
happy and healthy life.
By definition, any person or group that feels it necessary to infringe
other peoples' integrity is embedded in personal spaces of unhealthy
dissatisfaction and, as the John Denver song says: “Where you come from is
where you're going to.”
7) Set an awareness of Consequences
Bullies and manipulators get away with what they're doing while ever
no-one calls them to account for their actions. They manipulate because they're
allowed to. Every time they get away with it they sink deeper and deeper into
false beliefs, either that consequences do not apply to them, or that they can
manipulate the consequences of their actions. Sure, it may appear for a while
that people who do evil can operate with impunity, but not forever.
Be patient. Sit back, wait and watch. The Law of Inevitable Consequences
applies equally to saints and sinners regardless of where actions are on the
Good/Bad spectrum.
When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your
boundaries, and won’t back off when challenged, deploy a reminder of plausible
Consequences. The ability to identify and assert consequence(s)
is one of the most important skills you can use to call “check”
on a person whose behaviour violates your integrity. Effectively articulated,
Consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her
or him to shift from blasé violation to caution, from caution to
recognition of a possibly unconsidered higher law that he/she cannot comprehend
or vanquish, and from that realisation to inevitable surrender. The Laws of
Consequence are a bit like the Law of Gravity – if you push your luck walking
along the edge of a cliff, the Law will apply to you, and it doesn't give a
shit who or what you think you are.
Always bear in mind that any consequences you can see are of the
person's behaviour, not of them as a person. In your own mind, objectively
separate a person from his/her bad behaviour and address the behaviour. It's
the conduct that's the problem and, at least for starters, courses of action
are easier and quicker to change.
Providing you're in a position to do so, a credible consequence you
conjure could be the removal of something that is valued currency for the
bully. One of the most effective is to simply ignore them and, if pertinent,
encourage others to do so, too. Another, for the more experienced players, is
to withhold your fear. Most bullies thrive on being feared, since they
themselves are usually among the most fearful people on the planet. They push
to keep others hooked, but at arm's length. If you can drop your fear in the
presence of a bully, you remove their power over you. Utterly. I've had the
chance to apply this in the last 7 days. After just 30 seconds of quiet, firm
and fearless verbal engagement from me, a wife-beating bully didn't know where
to look. And the only voice raised in pitch during the discourse was his.
There are many other currencies. Get to know your bully. Find out what
is juice for them. What is it they have to have from you? Then just don't make
it available to them any more.
It sounds simple, and it is. But you have to stay calm, aware and
collected. And that will probably take practice. Start with easy autocrats
first. You'll probably find at least one of them in most clubs and on most
committees.
8) Confront Bullies, Safely
Don't bully back – they've always had much more practice than you. But
behind the spikes they are faint-hearts who’ve squibbed on engaging either
creatively or responsibly with life. Instead of negotiating the orienteering
course of life, they’ve opted to install bullbars and smash their way through. If
you do something other than give way or push back, however, they get unnerved
by the uncertainty of a novel counter-measure.
Every despot's currency is Certainty of Supremacy; your most powerful
counter is to poke their Doubts and Uncertainties – and they have plenty of
them. Take time to look.
A psychological manipulator becomes a bully when
he or she intimidates, suborns or harms another person. They
just use mental and emotional weapons instead of verbal or physical assault. Some
of them are very adept at isolating their victims from supports, spouses,
children or other family members.
The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies
is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker. They
rarely “pick on someone their own size”, at least not without a bunch of henchpersons
for backup and intimidation.
And don’t kid yourself that staying out of their way is a valid safety
strategy. For as long as you remain on the sidelines, passive
and compliant, you risk eventually becoming a target yourself. It's also
possible that if you're not standing up to someone who's pushing around someone
in your circle, you're already being “groomed”. Bullies are arch-opportunists.
Most bullies have cowardice in their dark side, and have little
tolerance for surprise changes or perceived threats to their ground rules. When
their targets begin to show backbone using one or more of the suggestions
above, and stand up for their rights, the bully will at first arc up and
make a lot of scary moves and noises. If that doesn't work they may, over time,
appear to back down, if they can do so without losing face. If you're really
creative, you may be able to help them with that. But be very aware that the
bully is still on heat – waiting for opportunity.
Bullies are also lazy. They usually pick on the easy prey, unless they
perceive a threat to their position on the top of the garbage heap. This
is true in schoolyards, in politics, in business, as well
as in domestic and office environments. But remember, bullies only
exist while they can -- because too many people let them. If everybody tomorrow
morning stopped enabling and allowing bullies, manipulation, domination and
control would gradually drain from the planet, and its practitioners would be
looking for jobs as parking police or border force baggage inspectors.
On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are
historically victims of violence themselves. This in no way
excuses present bullying behaviour, but it may help you consider the bully
in a more equanimous light and inspire more compassionate ways for
you to deal with them. Remember that it is almost certain that the manipulator
is working on you because they don't have the ticker to pay out on the real,
historical target of their resentments.
So please get this – when you are being manipulated, controlled or
pushed around – it's not about you. It's about them, and others from
their past that you represent to them. And it only becomes your business to the
extent that this person has crossed a line into your territory. So fix just that
much. Leave the therapy to them. How another person lives his/her life is none
of your business. But they don't have any right to do it in your front yard,
unless you've given them permission. If that's the case (and it probably is)
you need to find a way to firmly let them know that your rules of engagement
with them have changed.
It is not your job, ever, to “cure” a bully. The best favour you can do
for someone in this horrible situation (and it is horrible to live in a
manipulator’s skin) is stop feeding his/her addictions. In the meantime, work
on yourself. Refuse to be a victim – always a good idea, with or without bullies.
Refuse to step into their playground. Don't fight with them – that's what
victims do. You fight with a bully – you're a goner. Even if you win the fight,
you will have lost because the bully has won you.
Say “No”, mean “No”, and politely refuse to engage further.
As well as getting your power back, you'll pass on to them the most
important lesson they will ever learn – if you need others for energy, for
influence, for validation, you're ultimately fucked. Sooner or later every
body on earth encounters challenges where personal self-discipline, courage and
resilience are called for. Sooner or later the controlling bully will suddenly
discover he/she has generated none of their own, and the shops have closed.
Now, if you’re curious enough, where do you go to get inside the skin of
a controller? How do you get a feel for what it’s like to be them?
In the last place you'd think of looking. Inside yourself. The would-be
controller in you.
Where else?
For all of us, the world is as we see it. The only way this world is
ever going to change is when we change (the way we see it). Find the bully
underdog in you (yes, there is one), and very quietly declare a New Truth “Thank
you for getting me this far. It’s now time for a change. I now detach myself
from your resentments. They don’t serve either of us any more. You being the
Underdog has made me wanting to be a Topdog. I no longer want that struggle. I
want your wobblies to have no power over me any more. Once your resentfulness
needed me for energy and I went along with that to get along. But it has not
worked. I now claim my power back from you. I no longer give you my permission
to influence how I behave. And if I don't give power to you, you don't have it.
Let’s be friends instead? ..... Good. So be it”
