BULLYING #101

BULLYING #101

CONFESSIONS OF A DOMINANT VICTIM

Broadcast 21^st June, 2015

Good morning, and welcome once again to Pause a Moment.

[He's Got the Power – Dinah Lee (A) – 4:17]

Tonight we're contemplating one of the key issues of the moment, a product of Self-Disempowerment = Domestic Violence and Workplace Bullying.

[La Raya – Eric Serra]

Q. How do you create a Bully?

A. Abuse/Disempower the child.

Q. How do you create a victim for bullies?

A. Abuse/Disempower the child.

Pause a Moment.

Bullying is all about power – an attempt to control a universe that is NOT about control. Situations, people, ideas, thoughts, beliefs and opinions that get out of hand are met by bullying from people who’ve never learned another way. Bullies are up to their eyeballs in a dead-end of futility.

I met my first, and most powerful bully, when I was just a few hours old. Yes, he was my father. I learned that, in order to survive him, I would have to make myself as small as possible, not move a muscle, disappear as much as possible, and be transparently meek and mild in the company of others. That spelled trouble, because I have never been capable of any of those qualities. They just were not in my nature. Hello…. I decided around 11am on Sunday June 27^th, 1943, to be born lickety-split because I’d run out of room in the womb! I could not be contained. But Dad had other ideas. The Biblical tradition of swaddling has a lot to answer for.

The irony is that bullies apply all kinds of force, not because they are powerful people, but because they dread they’re not. In hindsight, I see now that my father didn't have power. All he had was advantages like seniority, hierarchy, control over my biological and economic survival, enormous bulk and weight, strength, superior position, bigger vocal range and volume, bigger vocabulary, and awesome allies (including God). But even those advantages would not last forever. Inevitably I grew up frustrated enough to take him on, albeit ineffectually.

Bullies generate very little creative energy of their own; they have to steal it..... off their victims and from those who enable them. By “enablers” I refer not only to people in positions of influence who licence bullies to act “within the law”, but also to those spectators who sit on the sidelines and allow bullies to get away with it. Spectators and apologists bear a personal responsibility for the excesses of the bully. Life does not have an “abstain” option; that’s a human intervention. Whatever you allow, you support. Standing on the sidelines (I don’t agree with this but I have no choice but to go along if I want to get along) is no escape from culpability. And if I sound angry at this point – I am. One of the spectators in my life was my Aunt – a professor of social work, who did nothing to protect either her sister (my mother) or me. So much for my father, for the time being, but my story now becomes typical for many young lads growing up. By example we were raised to believe that this is how real men behave.

I met my next bunch of bullies at school and, like most boys, I can still name every one of them 65 years later. I was mercilessly teased and bashed up at least once a week. There was just no escape, at home or at school, from a terror for which I had no defence except a facade of meekness. But meek politeness was a necessary veneer that just wasn't going to work. I was seething inside and now, in my 70's, traces of the long-repressed hot turmoil still bubble up occasionally.

My problem was that being an invisible, immobile nonentity ran entirely counter to my nature. I am, by birth and by design, an insatiably curious, gregarious, playful, adventurous, open, innocent, gentle explorer. You can only suppress your true nature for so long before your body begins to tell you something is seriously mis-functioning. By the age of seven I was a nervous wreck and well along the highway to later chronic conditions of anxiety, depression, heart disease and diabetes.

My first “got-it” on the subject of bullies came at the age of 17. Having denied and suppressed my true nature from almost Day One, I finally rebelled and stood up to He Who Must Be Obeyed. It was Jack facing the Giant. David -v- Goliath. Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader (that's the one), with everything shaking from the knees up. I will never forget the look on his face, and I wish I could, because that was the moment he and I simultaneously saw not only his powerlessness but also a sense of my own resentment in the moment. It shocked me profoundly. In hindsight, it's hard to judge which scared me more – the look on his face, or the glimpse of my future as a “better bully”. It wasn't terrifying, it was terrible, and I spent the next 30 years in WA -- as far away from him as I could get without my actually leaving the country. When I next saw him, he was in his death chair.

Back to the confrontation…… Dad realised he was a hair's breadth from killing me. He told me to walk away, and turned for help to our family doctor, who ran all the tests and found I was riddled with stomach ulcers and a permanent case of the shakes. He said to me “You've been spoiled.” I exploded “What??!!” He said “There are two ways to spoil children – give them too much of what's not important, or give them too little of what is important.” It was a revelatory moment in my life, and one of the guiding principles of my later responsibilities as a father. From that time onward, nothing would ever be the same.

I had graduated from school and now was leaving home. But the damage had already been done. Thanks to the ruthless rule of duality, this insatiably curious, gregarious, playful, adventurous, open, innocent, gentle explorer had also become – inside and out of sight -- a bone-headed, selfish, cowardly, intolerant, bigoted, phoney, arrogant, controlling, dogmatic hermit. I spent the next 35 years trying to keep this bastard at bay and out of sight (only letting bits of him out as required on stage). Suppressing my dark side didn't do anything useful for my health, and I collapsed years later in a howling heap from chronic frustration, resentment, exhaustion, anxiety and depression.

Out of that I finally learned that maybe the Playful Adventurer should meet the Bad-tempered Bully. If they could stop judging one another and become friends and allies, that could be a powerful marriage of useful traits and skills! And so it has proved to be... But it didn't happen overnight, or without a lot of diligent work on myself. I have to warn you it hasn't been easy and it requires a prodigious amount of commitment, courage and ruthless honesty. The question is – are you up for it? Are you ready to befriend your tyrant?

[Friends With You – John Denver – 3:25]

I consider myself a bit of an expert on violence and bullying because I've been bullied by experts and I’m still here. Bullies take me on at their peril, because I recognise them very early on and know them from the inside out. I know that inside the false front of superiority and entitlement there's a bewildered little midget.

I live with being both bully and victim. While both of them are a part of me, neither of them are all that I am, any more than my nose is an expression of a few of my genes. And knowing where they reside in me means I’m no longer at the mercy of their dictates. They’re something I have, but not what I am.

I know who/what I am. Others don't. Others find me as they see me – a reflection of bits of themselves. This is true of everyone on Earth. If you come to my door looking for a playmate, I will soon recognise you and you'll be greeted by a curious, playful adventurer. If you come to do me harm, you'll quickly find a malamute who smelled you coming a mile off. You don't want to take him on, because he has a decided advantage over you – he's got nothing to lose. You'd be very stupid to cross anyone who's got nothing to lose. But then -- stupidity knows no bounds...... especially when it comes to bullies.

[Nothing To Lose – Claudine Longet – 0:25 (-1:55)

Fade under.....

Bottom line, bullies are stupid. They just don't get how much damage and hell they're amassing for their own declining years. Bullies are deeply unhappy, because they've sold out on contentment to settle for false promises offered in the name of Control. Out of resentment for something/someone in their past. they unconsciously fear their present victims (Get them before they get me, just in case). They also secretly despise their “friends” and allies, all the while pretending this is not so. Some bullies, especially the privately educated ones, are arrogant and feel entitled; others barely make it above the level of troglodyte.

Whatever their level on the social scale, bullies rule, and at the same time feel they have licence to break any rules, including their own.

Bullies lack empathy – they don't care how you feel. Really. If you have an ounce of empathy in your makeup, don’t think of taking up bullying. Another’s possible feelings don’t ever get a bully’s second thought. And if you arc up at their assaults, they blithely tell you to “get over it.” 

Bullies don't care what they leave behind them. If they think about consequences at all, they’ll assume any aftermath can also be manipulated or beaten into submission. Bullies view others from a vertical perspective and are - in their own minds – faster, stronger, smarter, better, and on a superior position in the social pecking order.

Bullies do not get that “Gaolers become Gaoled”. Back in the late 1990s I was doing a counselling session with inmates of the Broome Gaol. I had introduced the idea of them having empathy for the jailers. Smirks all 'round. On a flash of inspiration I went around the room, one by one, asking “How long are you in for?” “Three years”. “Five years”. “Six months”. Then I pointed to the Warden standing behind me. “How long do you think Ben's in for?” They looked at me blankly. Then one of them got it. “Ben's stuck here until he retires.” I looked at Ben. He nodded, “25 years to go,” he said ruefully.” Something shifted in the room in that moment. The person stuck longest in Broome Gaol, was the gaoler. Controllers are the ones Controlled, by the limitations of their own habits.

A Bully is also a Victim – but a Dominant Victim. Let me illustrate –

Jack loved going out nights, drinking and playing cards with his mates. Then he married Mrs. Truck, who lay down the law – “No more boozing with your mates, buster. You stick around and keep me happy!” Eventually Mrs. Truck died – of obesity and a stroke. Jack went back with the boys. Then he met sickly Miss Peep. Miss Peep couldn't do anything for herself around the house, couldn't manage anything technical, and had this unidentified infection ranging through her body. Guess who had to give up his card nights again to look after Miss Peep? Jack had just swapped one kind of bully for another. A bully exchanged for a meek Victim.

Opposite types -- same end result. Incredible, huh?

Welcome to the oppressive domain of the Dominant Victim.

Bullies dispense trepidation in order to rule; Dominant Victims use a subtler form of fear - Guilt.

[Gulag – Margins (A)]

Bullies don't have friends – they have sycophants and enablers –agreeable nodders who won't stand up to them. Bullies define “a friend”, as “someone who'll let me do my thing as long as I butter them up enough.” Bullies mete out rewards to their disciples as a means of getting compliance: Anything you get from me, I can take away again. Bullies love bossing but they're rarely much good at managing change – they lack the insight and empathy for anything possibly evolutionary. So they're surrounded by chaos, inertia, disrespect and resentment, but they get away with it while they are feared. Bullies foster a mob mentality.

Bullies bullshit. They're good at it, and they're full of it. But if you call them on it, you bring the Wrath of Ages down around your ears. If you're going to call a bully, prepare to be in for a fight, because you'll be taking them on at their own game on their own terms! If you haven't got the street smarts and Commitment, walk away. Get an education first.

What fires the furnaces of bullies? Jealousy and Competition. Jealousy of relationships particularly, and their perception that they’ve been excluded from either the Club or the Auxiliary. There's a hostile envy of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions. Bullies specialise in “spoiling” – throwing spanners in anything that's working in order to take control. They will try anything and everything to trip up anyone who won't kowtow to them - anyone they see as a threat to their supremacy. Their idea of being the tallest building in town is to tear down everyone else.

Bullies are like sharks – predatory and opportunistic. It's not personal – not for them. They don't give a shit about you personally. You just happen to be there now. You weren't the first, and you sure won't be the last.

So what is it about you that draws bullies into your life? What attracts them? How come they pick on you? What are the signs?

·        Are you good at doing your job? Are you efficient? They're not. That’s why they expend so much time and energy keeping their position.

·        Are you genuinely respected and naturally popular with people – colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, friends.. They're not

·        Are you the expert and the person to whom others come for advice. They're not. That's why the bully is always scheming to organise things so that people HAVE to come through them. Bullies are particularly attracted to so-called Public Service positions.

·        Do you have a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise? They don't.

·        Do you have a strong sense of personal togetherness – Integrity. Bullies don't, and are compelled to annihilate anyone who does. And I mean “annihilate”. I choose my words most carefully.

·        Do you have at least one vulnerability that can be exploited. If you try to hide any of your vulnerabilities, you become utterly vulnerable to both con artists and bullies (close relatives, by the way).

·        Are you too old or expensive? Bullies will go to work on you just for practice.

·        Have you refused to join an established clique? Do you ignore them? God, they hate that!

·        Do you think and act independently of others? Bullies don't. They can't; they need accomplices. And no-one can control you if you take responsibility for what you think and feel. They've always got their eyes on the wing mirrors.

·        Do you refuse to become a corporate clone or drone? Bullies hate that. They can't oversee you.

·        Do you have something to lose – something the bully can take away from you? Do you have a secret? Hooks, strings and secrets are the Sterling Currency of bullies. They thrive on obfuscation, confusion and secrecy.

More than anything, the bully fears exposure of something he/she simply cannot live with, and the inadequacy and incompetence that flow on from that. Find what that is in yourself – you do have it, and it makes you vulnerable. What is it about you that you can't even tell your best friend? A bully will sense it and use it to erode your influence, popularity and competence. Just by being there you unknowingly get right up their nostrils and unwittingly fuel their worst fears.

Now you know what you're dealing with. The Topdog -v- the Underdog?

Which are you?

Tell the truth... which are you?

I'll be back in a moment with some questions for both the Bully and the Victim in you.

CARTS

Welcome back to Pause a Moment. This is Bullying #101.

In every form of bullying, the issue is Control through the abuse of power.

Abuse is a deliberate choice. The perpetrator is always totally responsible for his/her actions. Abuse of power is not caused by a lousy childhood, ill-health, stress, alcohol, drugs, or someone else's behaviour: these are excuses for, not causes of a choice to indulge in destructive behaviour. Abuse happens because the abuser has an addictive need to control, dominate or manipulate the communication, the situation and you. The sought-after payoff for abuse is control – now.

So I have some questions for you to ponder now.

[Relaxation – Tibetan Meditation]

Hold under >>>>>>

Firstly, let me speak to the Victim –

·        Who do you think has the power in this situation?

·        Who is making the bulk of the decisions in this situation?

·        Whose needs are being met foremost in this situation?

·        What needs do you think those might be?

·        Whose needs are NOT being met in this situation?

·        What needs might those be, do you think?

·        How do you think the bully's behaviour has affected you?

·        How do you feel about that?

·        Is this how you want to feel about yourself?

·        Is this how you want to feel about your abuser?

·        What kind of person would you rather be in this situation?

·        What could YOU do to bring that about?

·        What do you think you should do?

·        What can you do tonight to get that started?

OK. Good.

Now let me talk to the bully in you. And if you don't know who the bully is in this situation, then it's probably you. Let's assume, for the sake of curiosity, that it might be.....

·        When do you find yourself getting aggressive?

·        Do you get aggressive when you're feeling angry? I'm talking here about how you feel inside, not how you show yourself to others.

·        Do you get aggressive when you don't get your own way?

·        Are some people fearful of you, do you think? Who?

·        Why might that be?

·        Is there anyone close to you who might be feeling hurt, fearful, humiliated or insulted by the way you have treated them, either directly or indirectly by someone you confided in?

·        Do you blame others for the hurt that someone feels about you?

·        What do you tell yourself that justifies what you're doing? [Any answers that occur while you stand in this question I suggest you put into a tray labelled “Dangerous Ideas” Put aside time to spend with them later.]

·        Who else bears at least some of the blame for you being the way that you are? [These are the ideas that set you off bullying. These are the ideas that get in the way of you taking full responsibility for what you do. Unless and until you take sole responsibility for yourself, you're screwed.]

·        What will it mean if you can't bully, dominate, manipulate or control?

·        What will it mean if you continue to do it?

·        What effect is all this having on your health and well-being?

·        What effect is all this having on those close to your heart?

·        What is it going to take, do you think, to turn this around for them?

·        What is it about you that does not think this is OK?

·        What can you do now, do you think, to turn the ship away from the rocks?

Every person is more than just one kind of behaviour.

·        What things are important to you?

·        What is so special about that which is so important to you?

·        How is that important to you?

·        Who else knows this about you?

·        How do you want to feel about yourself?

·        OK. There seems to be a bit of a riddle there – there is how you want be, and on another hand there is how you are to other people. Given that you can't change another person, how do you think you might reconcile these two contradictions for yourself?

Bullying is all about a bunch of mistaken ideas about Power. You didn't make them up. You adopted them to see how they'd work out for you.

Well????????

Well??

Well........

[All Is Well – Minnesota Boys' Choir – 3:51]