LIVE AND LET DIE -- WITHOUT REGRETS

LIVE AND DIE SATISFIED – (NO BULLSHIT)

[Live Like You Were Dying – Tim McGraw – 4:58]

Even as medical science and quality of life continues to increase our life spans, it seems as though many of us are still not really living the life we’re given. Some are still unnecessarily walking doomed, upright and dying the death of the damned.

[No Pedestrians – Martin Taylor]

Too often on this journey between apparent birth and death, we get ourselves caught in the “busy” trap, running, running, running—but never getting much of anywhere.

But would you live differently if you knew you were going to die tonight? If so, how differently? And why?

[La Cathedral – John Williams (A)]

Cut the maudlin sentiment – whatever we experience ourselves to be // is going to die—sooner or later, and it might just be tonight. And while death is something we humans pretty universally fear, thinking about our own demise can actually spur us to live more fully. Hopefully, though, not out of fear or resistance.

In surveys of people in palliative care who know they are going to die, the regrets are almost never “I wish I had worked more,” or “I wish I had made more money,” or even “I wish I'd gotten more power.” More often they are about success and happiness in their simplest (and probably truest) forms.

I chose the following five commonest I-wish-I-had's from a book called, aptly, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, by Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse here in Australia who routinely asked her patients about their biggest regrets and recorded them on her blog.

1. Regret = “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself.” and “I wish I hadn't wasted so much time trying to be what I thought others expected of me.”

So often we make decisions in our life based on what others say they want or believe. Maybe you got a particular university degree because it’s what your father wanted. Or maybe, like me, you refused a certain career path precisely because it was what your father wanted (flipside of same coin). Maybe you took a certain job because it paid more. Maybe you didn’t pursue a childhood dream because someone told you it was foolish and you were being selfish, and to grow up.

But what would happen if you lived a responsible life that respected others and stayed true to yourself? If time and money were no object, everyone was supported, and you didn't have to work, what would you do? Where would you be? How would you live? How would you dress? Who would you spend your quality time with? What would you do and how would you be if you weren’t afraid of what others would think?

Yes, there are certainly considerations and constraints on all of us, but the closer we can come to finding a symbiotic outer life that gives the fullest possible expression to living a dinkum inner life, the happier we will be.

2. Regret = “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

Sister Ware reported that she heard this from almost every single one of her male patients. We blokes often think we have to work 40, 60, 80 hours a week because it’s expected of us as men, husbands, fathers, employees and citizens, because we want to be responsible and vocationally fulfilled, but is that really it? Is that enough, or are we missing something else that's even more important?

If you were truly honest with yourself, which would be more important: working hard to earn enough money (is there ever enough?), or having a different lifestyle? This juggling act is made all the more difficult because none of us was ever told that we already are what we're looking and working so long and hard for. We were told (well, I was) that life isn't easy, and we'd have to work long and hard for what we want. It's not our forbears' fault, they didn't know any better, and had to wait until they hit their deathbed to find out the truth – too late to pass the wisdom on. 

 

Now we know better. You already are and have what you seek. Everything else is frills and you can't take them with you. With a little more awareness and a few conscious choices, it may be just a matter of tweaking your present career and lifestyle to access fuller satisfaction. Or it may mean a complete change of scene. But in either extreme, the only radical change you'll need to make will be your own way of seeing things. That will be your biggest challenge, unless you're lucky enough right now to be so divinely pissed off with the way your life has turned out that you'll try anything to break free. That's where I was, but then I've always been lucky – even though I certainly didn't think so at the time.

3. Regret of the dying = “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

Opposition is easy – just look at some of the wingnuts who espouse it as the only way to be in the world. It takes integrity and courage to make a Stand for something. How often do you bite your tongue to keep the peace? We’re told, “Don’t get so het-up about it,” or “Don't take it so seriously”, or “Don’t let your emotions rule you,” but our emotions are the closest thing to our own personal truth. Deny or suppress how you feel about something at peril of your health. The trick to using your feelings effectively is to have them and share them, but not dump them on someone who doesn't deserve your shit. No-one likes to be dumped on. It's no way to get a good outcome.

Realise, too, that we cannot control how other people react to us, but we can control how we react, and how we respond. That's just the way it is. No-one is going to go to therapy just to make you happy. Nor should they. Does that mean you should break down crying or throw a tantrum over family dinnertime or in your next board meeting? Probably not. But if you can take the energy of your emotions and channel that into positive change, a productive conversation with someone, or even a lifestyle shift, your emotions—even separating ones—can drive and focus a vast unifying influence on your world.

[Saving Private Ryan – Hymn to the Fallen – Erich Kunzel & CPO. – 4:16]

4. Common regret of the dying = “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

The illusion of Separation was invented so that we, as human beings, could pretend there is a “Me” and an “Other”, and then we can play a game called Relationships. Within this game (and it is only a game, remember) it’s easy to let personal relationships slide (especially if we’re head-down and bum-up occupied too much in other pursuits). Personal connections are what give this human life Meaning. I promise you, reports and promotions, pay raises, television programmes, video games, Facebook, texting, an interrupting call on your mobile and all the other time-sucks of modern day life won't even come a close second in your last moments. What will occupy you fully as you're preparing to leave will sound something like “Do they know how much I love them? Bugger what I was, do they know who I was?”

Turn that around now. Who could you reach out to today? Who could you call, or write, or text (if you must), or even just smile at, and let them know you’re thinking of them? How would it make you feel? And how would it make them feel? It’s pretty much a win-win, no-lose situation.

[Live For Love – Anthony Callea (A) – 3:48]

5. Regret = “I wish that I had given myself permission be happier.”

There’s so much wisdom tied up in that little statement. Happiness, it turns out, doesn’t have that much to do with the car you drive, or the job you have, or where you live, or how much money you've saved, or even the person you spend your life with. (That's not going to go down too well with the sentimentalists, is it? But it's true.) Happiness is actually a personal, moment-by-moment choice. A friend of mine asked recently widowed Sailor Bob Adamson how he was coping with his grief. “I'm fine”, he said, “unless I think about it and start feeling sorry for myself.” Does he miss her? Of course he does. But will that stop him being happy? No way.

Happiness is the difference between seeing an unexpected event as a setback or an adventure off the beaten track; the difference between being frustrated by a delay or relishing the chance to step back for a wider view and re-frame the situation; it's the difference between getting everything in a tangle because someone or something won't measure up to your addictive demands to the way it should be or welcoming the chance to drop your paralysis; it's the difference between resenting someone for who they aren’t and embracing them for who they are.

We don’t have to repeat the mistakes of those who have gone before us. In fact, the general idea is that you don't. Evolution is the natural process of adapting, and NOT repeating our selves. Our happiness, our success, nearly every detail of our lives comes down to choices, and we can choose to live the way we truly want to live, or spend our final days regretting the choices we didn’t make, and the opportunities we didn't take. And “I didn't realise!” is not going to work as a defence. Because real-ising is what you promised your maker you would do when you got a “Yes” to coming on this journey. Saying “yes” is an essential part of the deal. And when it comes to life-flashing-before-eyes time, I guarantee you won't regret a single thing you ever said “yes” to.

I hope that these sombre truths help inspire you to make the choices you won’t regret. I have always tried to take the loss of my father and my mother as important reminders to not leave happiness for a later date, but make the choices that lead to true success and happiness right here, right now.

How might these Regrets of the Dying help inspire your life choices about the way you'll live today? I hope you heed them, as messages from people who've already been where you're going, and start living today a life you won't be sorry for tomorrow.

[Live and Let Die – Wings – 3:13]

FIBS = ROLLING SNOWBALLS ON THE SLIPPERY SLOPE TO FLEET STREET & CAPITAL HILL

 Telling white lies is a common social phenomenon that helps us to fit in with our peers. We frequently tell 'prosocial' lies which demonstrate moral judgement and politeness, both of which are important social skills for new school children as they step into the wider world.

When children begin to tell lies, it's a sign they have hit a new cognitive milestone. It shows their minds are able to manage the complex processes required to formulate a lie, and for those who can lie persuasively, that they also have the acting and verbal skills to carry the lie through.

But if lying becomes a strategic behavioural norm, an inauthentic way of dealing with Reality, we spawn a major social problem of Lack - of trust, account-ability and rely-ability. Past a certain tipping point, lying becomes counter-productive. It is my contention that that tipping point between social convenience and healthy authenticity lies at about 0.5 on a scale of 1 to 10.

But the convenience of white lies, fibs (including those of omission), porkie-pies, obfuscation, half-truths, spin and downright dishonesty seem to have taken deep root in our social psyche. In the short term it's easier to lie than tell the truth. It even reached a point where one respected commentator this week seriously suggested that no politician should ever be held accountable for the words that come out of his mouth during an election campaign. What??? Any sentence beginning with “Trust me...” can be followed by lies and that's OK?? One past Prime Minister of Australia pronounced a difference between a “promise” and a “core promise”; another (who subsequently got elected) actually said in a press conference, “Look, I'm bound to say anything in the heat of a discussion – don't believe me unless I put it in writing.”

Do these people not realise who they're hurting? What the hell has gone wrong!?

What went wrong was putting a Snowball on a Slippery Slope. And it's our fault – yours and mine – for allowing them to get away with in the first place. We close our eyes and ears, sit on our hands and do nothing while they rationalise bullshit in the name of some form of pragmatism. They play with semantics to cover immorality ("This isn't an evacuation, it's a relocation" - Jay Wetherall 4/7/14) We don't hold them to account for the weasel-words that come out of their orifices, because it's too much trouble? One little lie adds to another, and suddenly the snowball has impetus and it has got way out of hand.

Because of this rationalisation process— this Moral Disengagement—people are more likely to slip into a pattern of declining behaviour. We even have a name for it – it's called The Slippery-Slope Effect.”

It starts out with some creep like Eddie Obeid or Craig Thomson taking a little bit, maybe a few hundred. You get comfortable with that, a few hundred becomes a few thousand, and before you know it, it snowballs into something huge.

Outside Australia I can cite rogue traders like Jordan Belfort and Kweku Adoboli; former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair, who was caught fabricating facts in his stories; and the editors and reporters who hacked phones for British tabloid News of the World; these are just random examples of individuals like you and me who succumb to an insidious ethical snowball effect. The sin is the same: the only difference between them and me is the magnitude of what's been done.

Without self awareness, just one small ethical lapse, unchecked, can snowball into big trouble.

The same kind of slippery slope can make any individual and business vulnerable to internal rot—unless we correct ethical transgressions that may seem minor right at the source, before such behaviour takes root and corrupts the culture of the organism.

Conditions where incentives for little lies slowly morph into incentives for big ones more than double the rates of unethical behaviour. Look at the Commonwealth Bank, and its creepy strategy to avoid serious and open investigation. We need to do a hysterectomy on any womb to that succours evil. And I'm not talking about the CBA in particular, but the environment, culture and systems that allow that kind of behaviour to exist and flourish.

I call on those of you who are managers to prevent ethics breaches with measures such as quickly condemning even small lapses before they compound themselves. More ethical behaviour may result over time when you and I require, firstly ourselves, our children and then others, to be vigilant and ethical in dealing with anything that affects a fellow human being. 

 

Ends are never justified by dodgy means. You know what happens to snowballs in hell. History tells us the universe has a way of ensuring that crooks pay a terrible human price for their crookedness, in the same way as people who do good deeds reap the rewards of what they've sown.

[Snowball – The Dirty Dozen Brass Band – 5:44]

WANT A REVOLUTION? ASK A QUESTION.....

Never underestimate the power of a question, especially one that does not invite a simple “yes/no” answer. But your questions must be the right questions -- questions that launch you into uncharted territory; not questions that merely comfort you with blithe answers confirming what you already think you know. There's no great talent involved in asking questions, but the right questions require a heightened awareness, coupled with a ruthless willingness for self-honesty. Such people make good counselors and therapists -- good ones.
 

Most change starts with an adventurous question. All transformation begins with a question that someone stands in for long enough to uncritically observe experiences that bob up in the wake of “what-if”, and respond creatively to them.

A single question can provoke an abundance of answers. Similarly, thousands of experiences can be traced back to one question. One such question is - “Who am I?” You're still getting answers to that one every moment of every day and night, including right now. 

What other humdinger questions pop to mind right now?

Inquiry has toppled monarchs and empires throughout history. Questions are the basis of one of the earliest forms of education—the Socratic Method—used to train young minds in the rigours of critical thinking. Questions elicit solutions that lie dormant and unseen right under our very noses. Yet real, curious investigating of unquestioned givens is a mostly ignored life tool. We tend to place more value on getting the so-called “right answers”, ie. answers that fit comfortably into existing pigeonholes. Then we engineer strategies, make brazen pronouncements, and vacuous promises on the basis of stale, moth-eaten and weather-worn-out conclusions.

Questions can overturn everything from a single mind to vast empires. Nagging, unanswered thoughts that start with words like “why” or “what if” often ignite processes that, like a volcano, will eventually shake, disrupt, destroy and re-create outmoded concepts, opinions, beliefs, models and systems. Experimenting with possibilities can re-jig the balance of power, and reveal new opportunities no one had previously dreamed of.

If you could map the DNA of successful entrepreneurs and simply happy people, might it reveal a double helix of question marks?

I wonder???

A HAPPINESS SECRET (WELL, SO IT SEEMS!)

Have you ever heard “If only..xyz happened..., then I'd be happy.” Have you ever caught that thought crossing your own mind?

[Then I'll Be Happy – Joséphine Baker]

There is nothing on earth I can think of that has Happiness and Success intrinsically contained within it. Happiness and Satisfaction are No-things: so possessing a Something, no matter what it is, will not get you a No-thing like Happiness or Satisfaction. It's a fruitless quest .

A lot of people covet what others appear to have, and decide “they're just lucky”; that they stumble into their fortunes. Whatever you think, you are, of course, right. But you don't have the whole picture. How could you? If you can't remember the feelings of being naturally wealthy and happy, you can't possibly manufacture or reproduce it, nor can you pass it on to your children, either in your genes or by example. But it's really quite simple.

Happiness already is. Like sunshine, the way you see things and the way you think filter how much of it shines on you. You are as happy as you choose to be.

Now this is not a rant about “positive thinking”. I tried that; in the long run it didn't work for me. I found that if I wanted to be abundantly happy, I had to re-learn to feel, think and behave like an abundantly happy person.

[Get Happy – Caroline O'Connor]

First off, I had to get that I was seeing things back-to-front. I didn't have to be happy first  before I could see things the way a happy person sees them; I found the opposite -- that if I chose to see things as they are from a happy perspective, I became happy. I learned that the way I had been seeing things (ie. negatively) was an acquired habit, and habits are default choices. I was warned by a wise man called Colin Hayes that, if I kept on making the same default choices, I'd keep getting the same default results. What I needed to do was un-tick the “Default” box, get happy that I was back on track, and create some different choices and habits.

During my childhood and teen years I had drummed into me long and hard, that if I paid attention in school, got good grades, went to a respectable university, got a secure job, and followed the family faith, my happiness and fulfillment was somehow virtually guaranteed. But “joyful” and “content” are not words I would ever have associated with my parents or any of my extended family. The Barklas and the Friees were a dour, joyless lot.

[I've Got a Life – Eurythmics]

The reality is that few people who follow the hard work and sacrifice formula ever get rich, or happy. Not really. They survive, and some may become the most successful people in their families. But when you look around the living room at 3pm on Christmas Day, that's not saying much. But world-class satisfaction is rarely achieved by people who follow this model. The rich eventually figure out that training your mind and intuition to find solutions to difficult problems is the real secret to making genuine headway. They find that unusual results don't lie at the end of the freeway – they're off the beaten track.

The average person believes the harder they work, the more money they’ll make. That linear kind of thinking equates labour and effort with financial and emotional success. This is why most people aren’t either rich or happy. They’re following an outdated model of success and are confounded when they reach middle age with little money or satisfaction to show for twenty years of hard work. The older we become the behinder we get.

Wealthy people know that creative thinking is the highest paid skill in the world. The happy know that creative consideration is the most effective skill in the world. Independent, awareful, creative thinking is the most valuable asset anyone can practice. There's more available in life than struggling to put your kids through tertiary education and retiring on half of what you can barely exist on now. Even if you do better than that in the long run, if you haven't enjoyed and been excited by the journey, the destination is going to be one helluva disappointment.

[Is That All There Is? – Peggy Lee]

Meanwhile, others are building empires, living in abundance, and donating large sums to their favourite causes. This sets off a different quality of psychological domino effect, because once a person thinks and lives at this level of gratitude, they know even greater levels of success are possible through the vehicle of creative, optimal consciousness.

The good news is that this is possible for anyone who conditions their mind to think this way, and then transforms thought into a different kind of reality and action.

The secret is not in any technology or gymnastics of Happiness but in the quality of our basic operating principles, our attitudes, and the levels of thinking and feeling that reveal them. Once you learn to embrace this transforming shift, your potential goes through the ceiling. Happiness is closer than the end of your nose; you're actually soaking in it.

[Happiness – Heather Frahn]

A BRAIN/MIND DIET FOR HEALTHY LIVING

Are you using your brain, or is your brain using you? And where is your mind while all this is going on? In the control room, or the mail room where it belongs? Even more importantly, what do you feed them on?

As one who is usually less than complimentary about the limitations of the human mind, the fact remains that we need one to survive. A healthy brain and a healthy mind work together to sustain your well-being. As psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel sees it, both mind and brain need proper nutrition every day. I had never heard it put quite this way before; and I find that I can activate parts of my bodymind that can only thrive if they are healthy, awakened and aware. When I allowed myself to get fat and stodgy, my thinkin' turned stinkin'.

With the idea that a healthy mind and a healthy brain go hand-in-hand, Dr. Siegel prescribes a “healthy mind platter” of daily nourishment, On his mind platter he and colleague David Rock place seven “dishes.”

1. Sleep time
2. Physical time
3. Focus time
4. Time in
5. Down time
6. Play time
7. Connecting time

Years of brain research lie behind this simple menu, and since all aspects of life cycle through the brain and nervous system, the nutrition offered on Siegel’s mind platter could be far more important to well-being than any conventional medical advice. Your bodymind has an innate need and enormous capacity for integration. But more than that, if they are used holistically, the brain, neural and glandular systems thrive by putting everything together in concert.

In practice, adopting the mind platter comes down to two conjoined and interacting areas that need daily attention - Inner and Outer.

Inner nutrients: Sleep time, Focus time, Time in, and Down time

Here is the area of subjective experience. A healthy day, as viewed by the brain, follows a natural cycle. There is enough sleep to be adequately rested. There are periods of intense focus interspersed with enough down time of no mental work; time to let the brain and nervous systems recover, and the mind rebalance by letting them simply be. A period is also set aside for what many Westerners neglect: time to go inward through Meditation, Reflection and Self-awareness. This tragic casualty of ego-driven living is the most precious time of all, actually, since it opens the way for harmonious integrating, possibility-creating, evolution and growth.

Outer nutrients: Physical time, play time, connecting time

There are areas of outward activity, which cannot be activated solely by work. As the user of the brain, you alone can apportion time for recreation, and although physical time focuses primarily on getting your muscles to move, the holistic effect is to balance the whole mind-body system.

The healthiest time of all is Connecting time. Although Connecting Time ensures social and emotional intimacy, it becomes yet another casualty in the impoverishment of modern life. It takes a conscious choice and intention to chat, gossip, exchange intimacy and bond. If you're ever going to reap the rewards of fulfillment, you do have to commit to purposefully building and maintaining relationships, a family, a tribe and a community and find things to do together. As many sociologists have pointed out, this area of life used to dominate everyday existence, at a time when families sat around the fire of an evening and ate every meal together, and families got together socially every week. Social habits change, yet it's still true, according to specialists in the field of positive psychology, that the happiest people tend to be those who spend one or two hours a day talking and chilling out with close family and friends, and a few hours a week clubbing with others in the neighbourhood.

Just as there is no dividing line between the inner and outer self, Inner and Outer nourishment can't be strictly divided from each other either. I've only done it here to point up the colours of meaning behind those labels. To separate them as activities is as impossible as separating a tree from the soil, the air and the forest. Without any one, the rest lose their purpose and die.

The point is that the mind and its machinery require conscious attention and care. The upshot of taking Dan Siegel's advice was that I am better able to use my brain and mind, instead of them using me. I urge you give your Mind Menu more consideration, too. You know the GIGO adage -- Garbage In/Garbage Out.

[Food For Thought – UB-40 – 4:11]

WHEN IT'S GOOD SENSE TO JUST WALK AWAY.....

TIME OUT

HANG IN, OR WALK AWAY?

[Nothing Lasts Forever – The Black Sorrows]

If you are at all successful in your life, you probably are not the type of person to give up easily. Neither am I. For most of my working life I was ambitious and skilled, loyal as a hound dog and continued to push forward regardless of what obstacles blocked my way. Loyal, dogged and driven to succeed, that was me. But ultimately I came up empty; successful and a failure. In this conundrum I discovered a secret: ie. sometimes it's wise to turn your back and walk away. Sure, it's embarrassing – maybe downright shameful – to admit defeat but when you are in a "no win" situation it's often the only action that can save the situation, you and your sanity.

[You Keep Me Hanging On – Prinnie & Mahalia]

It can not only be OK to walk away, sometimes it's even healthy. I have found that there's a world of difference between “giving up” and “surrendering”. In surrender, new options become evident, new possibilities emerge that I simply could not see before, and I get more creative and satisfied. You will find that, too. Try it.

[Walk Away – Leticia Maher]

Sometimes company, service, product, or relationship problems are just too great for you to do much about. Sometimes, some people are too full-metal-jacket insane to work with. It may well become wise to move on and invest your attention and energy into something that has a better chance of being satisfying and creating value for more people. But you must take personal responsibility for getting into and contributing to the situation, and you must earn your way out. Quitting is a cowardly way, and only ensures that you'll repeat your mistakes over again.

[Harry the Hairy Ape – Ray Stevens]

There have been a number of times in my own career when I took on a big hairy problem and after struggling against it for far too long, realised it was better to move on. There have been times when I've chosen to reverse earlier choices and forego career advancement in favour of something quite different like, for example, taking better care of family. And every time I've dropped a righteous crusade against something, my life has benefited and I have gone on to create more happiness for myself and others in other ways. The key is that I identified the real problem, spoke clearly about it with those who could help me resolve it, and only decided to give up when it was obvious that they weren't going to change, and I would be better off doing something else that would benefit those nearest and dearest to me.

In those instances, giving up meant looking for a new job and moving on in more ways than one. If you are in a long-term dysfunctional environment, continuing to do the same job and putting up with the same crap is disastrous for you and people who depend on you at work and home. Crap is crap, no matter how hard you try to polish it.

[Should I Stay or Should I Go? – The Clash – 0:40 (-2:32)]

The problem is that when you try to persevere, you are actually in survival mode: you are gluing yourself to a belief and a value that your ego decides you can't live without. How you justify what you do may make rational and moral “sense” to you, but it's not “you”. You get yourself into a personal hell. You just don't care about the quality of your work and results anymore. Just walk into your local Motor Vehicle Registry or Centrelink Office and watch the workers behind the counter: you'll see what I mean.

[I'm the Urban Spaceman-- Bonzo Dog Doodah Band – 2:24]

Now, for some people and in some situations it's easier to walk away than for others. Your perceived level of influence depends on your career and financial status and I do not want to overlook that. However, I suggest that no matter your situation -- you do have the power to pursue a different course which in most cases will ultimately lead to a new job that will improve many different areas of your life all at the same time.

How you know the time has come to move on? Well I really don't know if there is ever a “right” time. If you set off to work in the morning but wait in your driveway until all the lights along the route turn green, you'll never get there. 
 

First, let's start with what creates a happy environment and job joy. I think that job satisfaction is based on four forms of alignment.

• AMBITION
• SKILL
• REWARDS
• MANAGEMENT

The more your job is aligned in each one of these areas -- the happier and more productive you are likely to be.

And here are the signs to look for in each area that may be telling you it's time to walk away. However, just because you are not aligned does not mean that you can not become so. It's important to consider how creatively you have been trying to find alignment and your ideal place in the whole, and if it's likely that you will get there.

If you have been struggling for over a year in any one of these areas, it might be time to consider moving in a new direction. After all, if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've got.

[Turnaround – Dru Chen]

Alignment with ambition Are you working in a role that is tolerably stretching you beyond your comfort zone, growing you, and getting you closer to your personal goals? Is what I'm doing now the best way of fully expressing what I've decided my life is about? Are there better options close by? What do I need to do to put myself in the best place to move into that niche? These are fundamental questions to ask yourself and unfortunately most people never do.

Without willingness, intention and a goal, it's impossible to know if you are headed in the right direction. If you don't know where you want to go, it really doesn't matter what direction to take, does it? I often recommend a "goal first" approach as you think about your own direction. Don't worry overly much if it's the “right” goal; just get moving. You can modify or even change your destination, and alter course at any time. But if you're not moving, nothing's going to happen except doldrums, apathy, rust and old age. If you have never taken the time to write down where you want to be in one, five, and 10 years, now is the only time you can start.

Alignment with your skills and proclivities.The most enjoyable jobs fully tap our existing skill sets and challenge us to grow new ones. Are you a master of the domain you are currently working in or are you on your way? If the answer is “Yes”, you are probably fairly satisfied with the work you do. If the answer is “No”, your confidence has likely been battered, your sensitivity to possibility numbed, and you are constantly on a defensive tack. Now, if you are out of your element a good boss and training can counteract any suffering and help you regain your mojo.

Alignment with reward expectations There are two types of rewards, Intrinsic and Extrinsic, and both are important. Intrinsic rewards are related to the sources of satisfaction I've just referred to, and based on the personal growth and fulfillment you get out of a job well done. External rewards include your salary, social status, power and influence, and any other fringe benefits you receive from your employment. Your reward expectations need to closely match what you actually get for you to be satisfied. If there is a disconnect for too long between your expectations and what you experience you're getting, there's a good chance you will grow disenchanted with the work you do, or worse, you might not be able to pay your rent and food bills.

Alignment with the company's management culture and style It's in vogue right now to suggest that people do not leave their jobs but instead leave their bosses. Well, that's not always true. There are many reasons for leaving a job that have nothing to do with your boss, but an unsupportive or insensitive management is at the top of the list driving folks to hit the highway. I have left bosses who were stupid, arrogant, bullying, insensitive, and users. My question is always “Does this boss appreciate I have his company's interests at heart, and are my best interests an important part of the mix in his/her mind?”

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If you find yourself out of alignment with your ambitions, skills and interests, reward needs and expectations, and management culture, I suggest you admit it to yourself first and then review your own hierarchy of values, and possible alternative outcomes. You may decide that 3 out of 4 areas of alignment is OK, and that you'll persevere where you are; you may choose to move on and let someone better fitted have a go, or you may find something in between. Whatever you decide, have a conversation with your boss or a trusted adviser in the organisation who you think can help you find the state of play from all sides. Don't try to blackmail a solution out of them; negotiate for an outcome where everyone gets something of what they want.

I want to be clear that you are responsible for meeting challenges and you owe it to yourself and the organisation to work through them together. But, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and are comfortable saying out loud that you followed through as far as you can for now and you're being thwarted through no deficiency of your own, you may be wiser to move on to plan B. If there really does not appear to be a way out and your misery is increasing, it's OK -- no, more than that, it's good sense to surrender to the what-isness of it and walk away.

What do you think? When do you believe it's not only OK, but healthy to walk away? Where is the line for you?

[Cross Roads – Glen Heald]

DISCIPLINE, THE EASY WAY

I came across a quote this morning from American motivational speaker, Jim Rohn. He said, “Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.”

To this I would add my definition of “Discipline”, off the top of my head – Discipline could be a harmonious and edifying marriage of Values, Purpose and Intention.

You might get from this, and I hope you do, that true discipline is voluntary on behalf of all parties, not something imposed by some internal force of tyranny.

I leave you now with Roy L. Smith's realization -- "Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability."

I beg you to teach your young ones to assume the freedom of self-discipline, lest they spend the rest of their lives in thrall to childishness.

Food for thought?

ALL BY YOURSELF

 

You are all that you have that you can call your own. Everything else can be taken away from you at any time. You arrived in this life as pure awareness, and that's how you'll leave. Everything else you're going to have to leave behind. Everything other than that “am-ness” is temporary. Likewise, that awareness is all that you have that is worth anything. Same goes for me, too.

So if you think you are missing something, you know where to look – inside your awareness. If we find ourselves looking to anyone else to supply any of our needs, we're in for a mess of suffering. The whole idea is for us to grow up and be complete and self-sufficient. And until we can do that, we're worth zippo to anyone else except, of course, another dependent. But that gets tiresome after a while.

No-one..... no-one else can possibly love you enough, to make up for you not loving yourself. No-on can, and they're not supposed to; that's your job.

When you truly accept and value your self you'll find you're loved by all and sundry, except sometimes. And that's as good as it gets. Anyway, being adored by someone else is icing on the cake.

[All By Myself – Maria Muldaur – 3:35]

LIFE IS A MATINEE

One of the reasons I've devoted my life to as many forms of theatre as I can embrace is that theatre is the most perfect metaphor for the mysteries of Life.

We wash up onto a shore of Make Believe in the land of What-If . We willingly surrender, temporarily, to believe and act in a story so that we have an experience that otherwise may simply not be possible.

Like children at play, we suspend disbelief and pretend so that we can discover something real. Along the way we get to experience answers to the question “What am I now?”

How cool is that?

Just remember, though, it is only pretend. Heaven got boring, so we're out for a matinee. Enjoy it. We'll go home later and compare notes... OK?

[Land of Make Believe – Buck's Fizz – 3:48]