PARENTING
FOR RESILIENCE
CONFESSION
As
my loving son and daughter will no doubt wryly agree, I am no expert
on parenting. But looking at them now I acknowledge that, next to
their extraordinary mother, I must have done something right along
the way. Since waking up to myself, I have gone hell for leather to
get better at it with my grandchildren. I offer this posting as an
attempt on my part to collate and crystallise something of what I've
learned since first taking the exam and barely passing then with a
C-minus. I kid myself I now have something to offer under the
sub-title “Parenting for Those Who Don't Want to Produce Spoiled
Dummies.” I am supremely grateful to the ABC (Australia) series
“Life At...” for both inspiration and moments of recognition. And
I am deeply in debt to my children who taught me how to be a parent,
and their mother who held it all together while I did my best to grow
up.
Barrie
Barkla. July 2014
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
The
No.#1 secret to succeeding in life lies in a complex process that begins in
the womb and, ideally, continues until our dying day. I'm referring to our
ability to develop, integrate and practice two characteristics that
are essential to the growth and survival of any species --
- Resilience
and
- Flexibility.
In
the second row right behind Resilience and Flexibility come three
related fundamental skills for us to work on:
- the ability to
Communicate effectively;
- the innate ambition to Experience and Learn, coupled with an acquired willingness to try new ways of seeing;
- and
harnessing the innate need to socialise and Fit In with others by balancing the social requirements to accommodate others with our primitive urges to stand up for ourselves and whatever we consider to be "ours"
As I said before, this chain of development begins in the womb, with
the formation of Temperament.
TEMPERAMENT
Temperament
is a key ingredient of resilience and flexibility. It is the
foundation stone of what we develop later into a Personality, and largely influences, right from the word "go", how we respond to the
world (and how the world responds to us). We are born with Temperament, and we have no personal say about the make-up of that.
Think of Temperament as the
bundle of bio-genetically based, and pre-natal-experience-modified characteristics that we
are eventually born with. Temperament is how we are characteristically ‘pre-wired’ prior
to delivery. Right from the start, this temperament influences the
preferences we have, our gut reaction what happens (including the
experience of being born), the way in which we interact with the world
once we're out, and the way the world interacts with us.
These
pre-wired characteristics are never off-the-shelf standard. Even in its primitive
at-birth state, a child’s temperament is highly individual because
it comes partly from its inherited mix of mother and father genes, and partly from the
prenatal environment that the child has experienced. It is then
modified by the birth experience itself, and then by post-natal
environment.
While a child’s temperament remains relatively
stable over time, research shows how effective parenting and
intervention can be in merging certain temperaments with the developing personality. Aware parents
and teachers can structure a child’s environment to support their
temperament. Observing
the baby's temperament and realising “This
is not what I expected”
is not going to work for either of you. The
responsibility falls firstly upon us as parents and grandparents to
get to know the unique temperament that shows up in the delivery
room and stamps its mark on thehousehold, and do all that we can to adapt ourselves and our strategies in order to optimise that child's chances.
Types
of Temperament
Let's
get one thing on the table – there is no such thing as a good or a
bad temperament: it takes all types of temperaments to make the world
go round.
Any
temperament characteristic can be easy or difficult to deal with, for
the child and for the family. Every temperament has a positive and a
negative side - it depends on the context. So, while a highly
persistent child might do very well in the classroom, that very same
characteristic, showing up as inflexibility, might cause problems in social situations - they might
be highly perfectionist, a bully, or have difficulties moving on when
they should. Every temperament trait has its flipsides. A persistent child might find that, in many circumstances, flexibility may be more useful than dogged determination.
The craft of making our way in the world is mostly dependent on how we respond to and deal with our perceptions of what the world expects of us. These perceptions are focused firstly on the figures we give authority to (initially our parents, then family, then around age 7 onwards -- our peers, friends and enemies enter the picture in a big way.) Our temperament is a huge factor in how we answer the ballooning challenges of engaging with other people's expectations.
There
are no hard and fast types of temperament. Rather, each child’s
temperamental style is a mix of varying levels of the following
dimensions:
Reactivity
Sociability
Persistence
Self-Regulation
1.
Reactivity: Refers
to how intensely we naturally respond to experiences both at the
positive end and the negative end of the spectrum. How intensely do
we feel pleasure and express that pleasure, and how intensely do we
respond to pain, frustration and the difficult things in life?
2.
Sociability: Humans
are,
by nature, social animals, but our capacity and liking for
socialising behaviour is as variable as our liking for broccoli or
Brussels sprouts. How comfortable are you with new situations and
with new people? A sociable child tends to approach novel situations
and people, while an inhibited child tends to withdraw and be wary.
A highly sociable or an inhibited temperament can evolve over time
into what we call extroversion or introversion, on the opposing ends
of the personality scale.
3.
Persistence is
about attention control - how well we can stay focused on task and
see tasks, even boring chores, through to satisfactory completion.
Persistence is an invaluable trait in the classroom. Research has
shown that the ability to stay on task, to be highly persistent, is
probably at least as important as intelligence in determining how
well a child will progress through school. But what about after
school? Too much persistence, for example, may be a disadvantage in
some scenarios (eg. A toxic situation in which some people hang in
for longer than is good for them).
4.
Self-regulation is
how we manage to mix and balance reactivity, sociability and
persistence. Self-regulation is our ability to manage our behaviour,
how we process our ideas and beliefs, and our feelings, and develop
values and principles. Self-regulation encompasses attention,
control, an ability to see things from more than one perspective, curiosity, persistence and non-distractibility.
Self-regulation
is one of the most critical developmental tasks for children around
the age of seven. At this landmark age they are still learning how
to manage their feelings and behaviour and are starting to use
language and self-talk to help control their immediate reactions
into more considered responses to the world.
The
ability to self-regulate differs for children with different
temperaments. A highly volatile and reactive child has more need to
regulate than a calmer, more easygoing child. A seven-year-old who
is unable to regulate their own behaviour and feelings will find it
harder to form friendships and fit in with school expectations, and
may develop emotional and behavioural problems as a result.
Self-regulation
and school
A
child who has problems with self-regulation can have a difficult time
at school, socially and academically.
As
youngsters, our ability to self-regulate healthily is subject to:-
An
unexpected stressful life event in the recent past. That may be the
death of a relative or close friend, or the serious illness, injury
or assault of a close relative, or the parents splitting up.
Hostile
parenting in families. Especially those going through a crisis
situation. More hostile, harsh parenting means there is more anger
and rejection toward the child and more of the child experiencing
disruption, isolation, disapproval, withdrawal or rejection.
Parenting
style. The lack of a warm, positive relationship with parents;
insecure attachment; harsh, inflexible, rigid or inconsistent
discipline practices; and inadequate supervision of and involvement
with children all increase the risk that children will develop major
behavioural and emotional problems, including conduct problems,
substance abuse, irresponsible or antisocial behavior, and
participation in delinquent activities.
The
impact of Family Breakdown. A Family is a complex set of interweaving relationships -- parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts & uncles, and cousins. Children, born into a family, don't think about it; they accept family - as much of a given as the air that they breathe. Until. The highest risk candidates for
self-control issues are the children whose parents have split up.
The child's world, previously assumed to be solid and secure, suddenly fractures in a single moment of realisation -- Mummy and Daddy are divided. I am divided. The effects on the child, directly or indirectly, are economic, social and emotional. Without warning, the world has shifted on its axis. The perceived set of rules and "the way things are" that were wrapped around the child have been stripped away, and nothing will ever be same again. Predictably, arrangements for the child's care have a huge
varying effect – risks being higher for those with no set pattern
of contact, those living further away from the non-custodial parent,
and those whose non-custodial parent is paying a lower proportion of
their agreed child support. There is evidence of boys being more
vulnerable than girls to negative learning and behavioural outcomes,
even in infancy, but more clearly in childhood.
Fitting
Temperament with the Family Environment.
The
“fit” between a child’s temperament style and their environment
is crucial. A highly active child living in a small apartment, or a
highly outgoing child who has minimal contact with other children,
will find their environments difficult and frustrating. Likewise,
certain parenting styles suit some temperaments over others.
When
teaching a child right from wrong, firm parental discipline is shown
to work better with a more volatile, intense, outgoing child; whereas
if the child is shy, quiet, and withdrawn, a much more gentle style
of discipline and talking things through tends to work better.
It’s
important for us as parents or grandparents to recognise and honour
differences in temperament - to respond sensitively to the child who
is more reactive or who takes longer to get used to new situations,
and to recognise the value of each temperament as well. I really
didn't get the temperament differences between my son and daughter,
and I'm sorry for it. Had I been that aware, my daughter's journey
may have been less fraught. Understanding their temperaments can be
the key to unlocking a child’s full potential.
Conflict.
Kids can actually be helped by observing conflict between parents and grandparents, as long as they also observe that conflict moving into a constructive and loving resolution. Kids learn conflict-resolution from their role models. Are your skills worthy of being copied? If not, get some work done -- fast.
The
Role of Culture on Temperament.
Different
cultures value different sorts of temperamental characteristics. In
some cultures and tribal families the more withdrawn, quieter child
is viewed very positively: they are seen as better adapted, more
socially competent, and score higher on peer leadership than their
more outspoken counterparts. Conversely, other cultures and tribes
are much more rewarding of the outgoing style of behaviour: the
highly sociable, active “force of nature” child is viewed more
positively, and is seen as the better-adjusted child.
Culture
will also lay quite heavy ground-rules about what acceptable and
non-acceptable ways of handling Resentment. What's acceptable in
parts of Europe, for example, will not go down well in south-east
Asia. In most countries, non-standard ways of expressing resentment
may be regarded as “criminal behaviour”.
While
temperament may be biologically based, social and cultural norms will
determine which temperaments are judged as “good” or “bad”.
Conflicts between a child's temperament and his family and tribal
culture are going to be problematic for everyone.
Managing
Disappointment
Both
you and I know intimately the feelings around the experience we call
“disappointment”. Being able to “suck it up” is another
acquired skill about managing our responses; knowing when to “speak
your mind”, when to “vent your feelings”, or whether to mask
your disappointment behind politically palatable masks, perhaps
voicing the formula white lies and insincere rationalisations that we
tell to be polite and that help us to fit in socially (“Well I
didn't really want it anyway” or the hopefully more
enlightened-sounding (“It just wasn't meant to be.”).
We may attempt to deflect anyone probing into an open psychic wound,
or choose to cop it sweet, take the initiative on board, drop the
story, and experience the multiple mix of feelings we blanket-label “disappointment”.
Being
adaptable to sudden change and making the best out of negative
outcomes are key attributes of resilience, and I think it is good
preparation parenting to design, within the safety of the family
structure, gradual challenges for our children that will give them
practice in developing a growing range of resilience skills, before
they are suddenly tested for real out in the rapidly widening world.
The best time for this conscious training is before they start
school.
Here's
how important training in bending with the wind gets == the ability
to adapt to sudden unexpected shock may well save your child from
fatal diseases (like cancer, MS, diabetes, AIDS, alzheimers) – but
that's another story for another time. (In the meantime, look up
“German New Medicine” and prepare for a shock).
In
the meantime, it's my contention that shielding your children from
disappointment, or depriving them of time and resources to work out
for themselves how to manage this kind of setback may be “bad”
care. You may be putting your own inadequacy with feelings of discomfort ahead of the
opportunity for your kids to learn how to handle theirs. Create them
as able. Kids are more resourceful than we often give them credit
for.
Delaying
Gratification
Which
child (or even adult) can resist temptation now for the sake of something
bigger in the future? The resilient, adaptable ones, that's who. But
imagine what a different world we would be living in now if all
children were taught how to comfortably delay gratifying their urges until they can be considered in a more effective and useful context.
There's a
well-known experiment that was first conducted in the late 1960s at
Stanford University, designed to assesses the levels of self-control
in young children. The children were given one marshmallow and a
deliberate choice: if they wanted, they could eat it straight away -
but if they managed to hold off for, say ten minutes, they would be
rewarded with three marshmallows in its place. They were filmed in
that waiting period to capture their responses to the challenge: it
makes for highly entertaining and insightful viewing.
Self-control
is an important cognitive development in young children and requires
a number of skills - strategic thought, finding ways of controlling
yourself and resisting your impulses. The ability to manage
behaviour, emotions and attention is an important skill set for
school readiness and also promotes resilience within a child.
But
being left alone with a marshmallow for ten whole minutes is no easy
task for a 5 year old........ to ask a child to delay gratification
indefinitely is, in my childhood experience, torture bordering on
abuse. I'm all for playing deliberate games with relatively
low-importance items like marshmallows in order for the child to
discover healthy strategies for managing the urge for immediate
gratification, rather than keeping them in cotton-wool until they
leave home and suddenly have to deal, unprepared, with credit cards.
I speak from personal experience, so I'm biased – OK?
PERSONALITY
Temperament
is not the same thing as Personality, which goes on forming beyond
age seven. Think of Temperament as inherent biological building
blocks, which influence our perspectives, and go on to underlie and
work in combination with our life experiences and choices to develop
our Personality.
Temperament
and Personality together affect how we humans respond to our world.
Temperament and Personality also affect how others respond to us. The
truth is that a shy child approaches life in a different way to an
extrovert; and we respond to and treat a shy and withdrawing child
differently to one who is confident and outgoing. As adults, by our
demeanour we teach others how to regard and treat us. That's just the
way it is.
Have
you never thought “Why does this
kind of thing keep happening to me?”
Now you know. So if you don't like the way people treat you, you know
where to look for remedies. It's just nonsense to expect all of us to
go into therapy just so that you can be happy.
Putting
kids in cotton wool is bad care. Inherent Resilience and Flexibility
develop as we practice coping with adversity. Without creative
engagement with trouble, there may be accumulation of sorts, but not
much integrating or maturing.
Growing
up is an interplay of Nature and Nurture. Part of this process
includes learning how to deal with fear and anxiety, when to surrender to what-is and when to stand up for yourself, how to embrace
measured challenges and how to rebound from adversity. For that, we
need to draw from our immediate family resources of structure,
frameworks, boundaries, consistency, reassurance that we have the
skills to cope, and emotional support. These resources are just as
important as nourishing food and sleep.
Raising
children means balancing an interaction of inputs, including diet
(physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual), nurturing and
physical contact. Touching, cuddling, physical play, jousting,
wrestling, dance and sports all play an enormous part in lowering
stress and raising resilience. Couch-time is OK as downtime, but not at the expense of getting out of the burrow and "roughing it". If a child's parents or foster carers
don't have and provide those resources, the child may be headed for
trouble.
Early
childhood is the time when we most effectively learn how to manage
our feelings and behaviour, and roll with setbacks. It's up to us to
encourage them to find their own ways to engage and enjoy daunting
physical, reasoning and emotional challenges. Surround them with
resources they can explore at will. Children who are deprived of
these opportunities suffer greatly in their later lives, some of them
never attaining any real measure of adulthood other than whiskers,
white hair and sclerosis of everything from arteries to attitudes.
In some sense or another, the Pause button is pressed on their
maturing and, without insightful intervention, they forever act
childishly.
By
far the greater part of our resilience was developed before we
reached the age of 7. By
seven a child’s temperament tends to stabilise – so a very shy,
inhibited child at seven is likely to stay that way, and a very
sociable, outgoing child is likely to stay that way too. It’s rare
to see extreme shifts later in life. A child’s temperament is the
foundation of their emerging personality, and, combined with their
life experiences, forms an operating system for their present and
future.
Personality,
whether inherent in temperament, or learned from later experiences is
crucial in coping with any adversity that comes with a life of
adventure off the beaten track. What I work towards with my children
and grandchildren is to develop habits that promote a calm and
easygoing approach to anything unknown. It wasn't always so for me –
I had to start learning for myself a decade behind the handicap line,
and that's still a work in progress.
With
all their shortcomings, my parents thankfully expected a lot of me
and made it crystal clear what those standards were. From that point
of view I noticed that children tend to live up to realistic
expectations of them, whereas “spoiled” children tend to grow up
feeling somehow lost without boundaries or well-defined expectations,
and compensate their lostness with attitudes -- unrealistically
privileged and entitled. In a word, brats.
Taking
and exercising personal responsibility was prime amid the challenges
I put in the way of my children, alongside defined freedoms to
experiment. I regarded it as axiomatic that exercising personal
responsibility builds self-esteem and self-reliance. And I lavished
praise and encouraged celebration whenever responsibility was taken,
regardless of the outcome. It's my view that failure is never an
outcome when we are encouraged to experiment “to see how it turns
out”, and the experimenter goes responsible for the outcomes.
Failure is the sole province of irresponsible victims, and you really
don't want your kids to be one of those, do you?
As
my children grew older, I required increasing evidence of
self-discipline from them, because self-discipline needs strategic
thinking, problem-solving and a measure of persistence, all
qualities I dearly desired for them. They certainly got plenty of
practice in delaying gratification, but I made sure that they did get
the things they waited and worked for. And they got, for free, unique
experiences that others of their age could not access.
Fortunately,
I'm a very touch-feely person, so both my son and daughter got heaps
of hugs, tosses in the air, raspberry blowing on the skin, and
“spifflication”, involving a generous dose of tickling. Only in
later years did I learn that close physical relationship is a key
contributor to resilience, particularly in moments of adversity and
extreme disappointment. Happily I did it anyway. I say “happily”,
because my son and daughter are two of the most resilient people it
has ever been my honour to know.
A
work ethic is important, too: the idea of contributing to the
wellbeing of all according to the level of your competence. Chores
necessitate Participation – doing your bit. A strong work
expectation had been drilled into me by my parents, both by word, by
discipline and by example. Full-time work, coupled with a strong
sense of self control and the responsibilities of autonomy, feeds
directly into the pool of adapt-ability, self-esteem and resilience.
I honestly don't know how we can expect the children of parents on
welfare to do anything else but grow up starved of esteem, ungrounded
and resentful. Which bodes ill for the children they create because
the propensity for resilience (or lack of it) is also transmitted in
your genes. I was lucky – both the Barklas and the Friees are
resilient bunch, so I got a good start. If you didn't, then you've
got a job to do on your own genes before you start procreating.
FINDING
YOUR NICHE...
Skills
we need for developing good peer relationships
To
form good peer relationships, children need to feel the capacity, freedom and responsibility to
manage their behaviour in social situations, knowing how to conduct
themselves appropriately to whatever the majority decides is
acceptable.
Children
need a healthy dose of self confidence – believing in themselves
enough so they can hurdle the risk of initiating contact with new
people, overcoming any fear of rejection, and being willing to have a
go and experiment with different ways of asserting their own ideas in a group.
They also need
emotional intelligence, which means being able to understand their
own feelings as well as reading and responding compassionately to
other people's feelings. This involves the ability to read other
people’s facial expressions and body language, read their
behaviour, read unspoken dialogue, identify indications of anxiety or
sadness or aggression. Once they've recognised the emotion, they then
need to know how best to respond to it, which might be reaching out to the
child who's looking anxious or fearful, or withdrawing from the child
who looks like they're about to explode.
In a similar vein,
the ability to feel and express Empathy is also a crucial part of
building friendships. Empathy is an acquired skill that is socially
sourced and applied. Empathy is the ability to sense the mood of
another and use emotional memories from their own experience to
respond on behalf of that other person's predicament. At the age of
seven most children can demonstrate some level of empathy, a skill
that may further develop as they get older, depending on the kind of
parenting they get.
A child’s moral development is also an
important part of doing well in social groups – having the
cognitive skills to think through fairly complex concepts like
honesty, fairness and justice. Moral discernment is also a product of
socialisation: how parents are bringing up their children, how much
they're emphasising the importance of awareness for others and
following the rules, ethics and expectations of society. Fairness and
Justice are very important concepts for seven year olds, and acutely
hurt cries of “It's not fair” are quite common around this
age.
Peers
At
the age of seven, peers have become an increasingly important part of
a child’s social world. Now that their world is expanding outside
the home, they are spending a third of their lives with their peers rather than siblings,
and they begin to define themselves in relation to other children of similar age and similar grouping.
Peer
interactions loom large in the school setting. Children across their
lives spend 4,000 hours at school, almost exclusively in the context
with their peers and extensive interactions around them. The school
experience is a rich environment for a child to develop their social
skills, to learn about their temperament and themselves, and to bring
those experiences to their onward development. Parents and tutors of
children living and schooling in remote areas have a lot of making-up
to do in the form of providing peer experiences that adequately
substitute for daily school socialising. Not easy.
Within
their peer group, a child learns about social norms - the rules and
regulations about behaving in social groups, with bias towards the
“rules” of the group they've attached to. More generally they're
also learning how to cooperate, how to take turns, how to follow the
rules of a game, how to make friends. They need to learn how to
listen to others within the group, but also to assert their own
ideas, and getting that balance right.
Gender
Gender
is not just about biology, it’s also about cultural expectations
and opportunities and how they play out across the life course for
boys and girls, men and women.
From
before the time a child is born, the process of gender socialisation
begins. The first question anybody asks is "Is it a boy or is it
a girl?"
Gender socialisation continues on through life,
but at age seven it’s quite distinct, and dominant gender
differences in roles, in attitudes, expectations and performances of
children can be clearly seen. At seven years of age, there's a
tendency for groups to be forming and the playground becomes split
along gender lines, with cross-gendered friendships being less
frequent. In most primary schools I attended, the girls and boys had
their own playground territory, with unmarked but universally
recognised boundaries. Actually, sticking with your gender is the
easiest way of becoming a member of a group. Later they'll find
sub-groups within each gender. What blows that all apart is when the
child “falls in love” with one of the opposite sex; that's when
there's a bit of loitering at the edges, much to the amusement of the
other, unafflicted children.
Gender differences come to the fore
in how boys and girls play, with boys typically going for the rough
and tumble games with a competitive edge, emphasising their advantage
in spatial skills, while girls tend to opt for smaller groups,
engaging in more co-operative, communicative play which emphasises
their edge in language and literacy. Chris Lillie nailed these
differences in his slyly acid comedies “Summer Heights High”
“J'aime” and “Jonah From Tonga” -- comedies that encourage you not to laugh at the highly recognisable characters.
No matter how
virulently well-meaning new-age parents resist it, gender stereotyping is all
around a child’s life - from the clothes they wear, to the toys
they play with, to the activities they engage in - but if a child
adheres too rigidly to their gender stereotype, it might mean missing
out on experiences they might really enjoy. Breaking gender
stereotypes often requires a lot of self-confidence, but can be very
rewarding. But it's best done by encouragement rather than coercion.
There
are limits, though. I can remember getting ready for my first school
social and wanting to wear lipstick like I saw one of the girls
doing. My undoubtedly shocked mother gave me a soft but firm “No,
it's not what boys do.” I thank God I hadn't asked my father!
Social
roles
Speaking
of socials – human beings are social animals. We live, work and
play in social groups, so it's really important that we learn how to
get along with other people. It doesn't mean we all need to be the
same, but it also doesn't mean that a boy can turn up wearing
lipstick, either. Within certain limits, social groups work because
we all play different roles in them – there are the leaders and the
followers, the team players and those who work better on their own,
those who are creative and those who are by the book, those who
nourish, those who care, those who provide, those who organise, those
who defend, those who test the boundaries......
Children's
temperamental differences in how sociable and outgoing they are play
a big impact on their peer relationships and how they fit into social
groups, with extroversion and introversion being the two ends of the
scale.
The hallmarks of an extrovert are often seen to be
assertiveness and talkativeness. Extroverts are highly motivated and
stimulated by the outer world. An introvert on the other hand is much
more internally driven, and is stimulated by the inner world of
ideas, concepts and thoughts.
Western society tends to
valorise extroversion and create an ideal around it. Extroverts are
goal-driven externally, often gaining recognition and accolades
because their contribution is so visible. An introvert’s approach
tends to be more contemplative, more thoughtful, and can take a
longer time to resolve and reach a conclusion. While that level of
thoughtfulness may not be as visible as what the extrovert is
bringing to the table, it is just as valuable. I'm reliably told
there are roughly equal numbers of extroverts and introverts in the
world; certainly both are essential in modulating and moderating how we make
progress in society. Similarly it's equally important to get to know our own extro- and intro-versions, and find a comfortable way to balance them, moment to moment.
A child whose internal balance is more introverted and more
socially withdrawn may choose to have fewer friends, they may be
happier in their own company rather than in groups, but it's
certainly possible for them to make good quality friendships.
Introversion
-v- Shyness
Introverts
are often misinterpreted as being shy, but most of the time that’s
not the case. Introversion is something that an individual is
comfortable with: it's part of their natural wiring. Shyness on the
other hand tends to be driven more by an anxiety or a fear of social
disapproval. Shyness can be inherently painful and something that a
person doesn't want to be. As a shy young lad, I can vouch for that!
Understanding the balance of
extroversion and introversion and negotiating the personality
spectrum is the mark of good parenting and leadership. A good leader
can set aside their temperamental preferences and get everyone’s
views out on the table as well as their own. They are sensitive to
other people’s needs and can find a role for everyone within the
social group, and have the ability to motivate them to the
cause.
Leadership skills are an important part of life in the
playground. I'd rather see a leader than a bully any day. And I
suspect that I'm not alone there....
Siblings
and only children
Siblings
are an important part of a child’s social world, and give them lots
of opportunity for practising the openness, flexibility and
resilience required for all social relationships. For only children,
other friends and peer groups become even more important because they
don't have their siblings to fall back on.
While
there is no evidence to suggest that being an only child is a bad
thing, it does present different sorts of challenges. Growing up with
siblings automatically encourages adaptability, pressing a child to
learn to adapt and negotiate and it allows them to develop certain social
skills very easily. An only child has to learn those skills in a
different way.
Single children have the advantage of having more
of their parents' attention, and parents can compensate by making
sure there are lots of other children in the child's life. If
children are isolated and have little contact with age mates or other
children in their early years, learning the social skills necessary
to develop good peer relations can be a harder chore.
THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF 7
“Give
me the child until he is seven, and I’ll give you the man.”
The
old Jesuit saying is so born out in evidence it is almost axiomatic
-- seven is an important milestone. Around age seven, children
develop a self-conscious identity, or ‘self-concept’ – they’re
becoming aware of who they are, who they want to be, and are already
putting together a strong sense of what they value. Those things may
change with further experience, but the 7-year-old is aware now of
their existence and is working on testing and integrating them into
experiences and strategies.
At
this stage in middle childhood, a child has mastered the basics of
language, grammar, literacy and numeracy. Their thinking processes
are developing and, in their ever-expanding world of school, peers,
and organised activities, they are starting to deal with more complex
and abstract ideas. They’re developing rules and scales of what's
ideal, and they're starting to judge themselves more against their
own benchmarks and other children - on things like how well they’re
doing at school or at sports and in their peer group. They are making
comparisons which both reflect and affect their sense of worth and
self-esteem.
A
WORD ABOUT LYING
From
this time onward, there's a real acceleration in a child’s moral
awareness. They’re realising how they might be responsible for
things in good and bad ways, and they are beginning to understand
there might be consequences of deeds and attitudes, including moral
transgressions. And guilt, which was introduced to the child well
before this, is now really starting to corrode the psyche. So, while
an adequately parented five-year-old might understand that lying is
wrong, a seven-year-old has some ideas and beliefs about why lying is wrong and feels bad
about it. Unfortunately he/she may well be experimenting with ways
and means of avoiding the guilt feeling by either getting around the
moral sanction or manipulating consequences.
Parents
who care are not helped by the fact that learning to tell white lies is a necessary and common social phenomenon that helps us to fit in with our peers. We
frequently tell 'prosocial' lies which demonstrate moral judgement
and politeness, and this is an important social skill for new school
children as they step into the wider world. The problem is learning when to lie, and when to be straight. There's a grey-zone of
moral confusion here that even the most sophisticated adults have trouble
negotiating. I think the answer lies in learning to predict what the possible consequences of our choices, to ourselves and others, might be before we make the decision whether or not to speak out. That involves issues of what constitutes "good" or "bad" care of the other person in the particular circumstances. That's highly sophisticated stuff that black-and-white moralists conveniently avoid.
Looking
at it from a positive viewpoint, when children begin to tell lies,
it's a sign they have hit a new cognitive milestone. It shows their
brains are able to manage the complex processes required to formulate
a lie, and for those who can maintain a lie persuasively, that they
also have the verbal and acting skills to carry the lie through.
IN
CONCLUSION........
The
acceleration in moral awareness at around age 7 coincides with an
increasing capacity to resist temptation. Children at seven have more
ability to manage their impulses, so when they feel the urge to do
something wrong, they have a moment to think about it before they
act, in a way that younger children do not because they're still wired firmly to a stimulus/response mechanism.
Now they are learning to
consider the consequence of an action before doing it. As they grow
older, habit will take over again and that moment of choice will get
shorter to a point where we forget that it exists. We revert to to babyhood. Around 7 is the age
where children need to be pointed to that Magic Moment of Chosing, and the
power and importance of that moment – while they are still aware of
its existence. As a counselor, let me tell you that taking so-called adults back to that point of choice can be a long and tedious process.
Please,
parents, do your bit to point out to them that they always
have that moment to re-consider first impulses – a moment to make a
conscious choice and a decision. A moment to respond awarefully,
instead of reacting blindly. And in word and deed, do them the favour
of driving home the ruthless rule of reality that every choice and
decision has consequences. Be that reliable mentor who loves and
cares enough to say “No. You can do better.”
They'll reward you
with resilience, adaptability and a life fulfilling.
