Which
set of adjectives more accurately describes you -- arrogantly smart;
pertly self-assertive; conceited? -or-
having
strong belief or full assurance; sure: confirmed
of completion; bold?
Under what circumstances do you arc up as brashly cocky, and when do
you settle comfortably into quiet confidence? What is it to be “confident”?
The
word “confidence” derives from two Latin words, con
fidere.......... literally
meaning “with
trust”. In this context, Trust differs from “faith”. Faith is
invested in something not-known, something that has to be believed.
Trust is invested in something that is rooted in first-hand
experience.
Confidence is.................
A firm trust in the sufficiency and abundance of our
own being
An unconditional acceptance of all that we are, and a
perception of the worth of that.
An assured expectation
The key-stone of the Courage we need to explore the
unknown within and without.
Self-reliance
Boldness
Impudence
The telling of private matters with mutual trust –
that they will remain private and that vulnerabilities will not be
abused or exploited
Living without needing or looking for reassurance
Being open with another without giving our power away
Giving and sharing – not dumping
The ability to tell the truth to oneself, and feel
equanimity about all of it.
The space to comfortably hold our self-doubts.
The ability to recognise enoughness in the moment, and
be grateful for that.
A knowing that we are safe, and that there is no death
of that which we are.
Always a personal choice, and sometimes has to be
created in the face of apparent evidence to the contrary.
Confidence does not mean the absence of any apprehension
or anxiety. Without misgivings, confidence is worthless recklessness.
We're offered Courage to deal creatively with the shakes. Some
confidences result from a choice to act in the face of those fears,
in circumstances where others might quail.
The enemies of Confidence are the twin ogres of
Self-Pity and Self-Importance. Their bratty offspring are cockiness,
foolhardiness, bluff & bluster, gall and presumptuousness.
When Confidence becomes eroded, life becomes miserably
littered with the wreckage of broken dreams and shattered hopes. We
become dis-engaged from our true self, others and life itself.
Distrust and disaffection eat away at our waning spirits. Bitterness
and disillusionment drape like a pall over us, driving us into all
kinds of unhealthy strategies to keep them at bay. We succumb to
chronic states of anxiety, despair and depression.
I find that Cockiness is a flat veneer of affrontery:
Confidence has substance, including Trust, Humility, Hope, Courage
and a deep sense of Self Worth.
Trust
is a powerful State of Being. Trust is characterised by an unruffled
equanimity that results from an innate reliance on your own worth
and rely-ability to handle the vagaries of other people, things and
situations. Until you can trust yourself, you will never be
trustworthy. Until you can depend on yourself, you will never be
dependable. Trust is a quiet knowing that you can depend on
yourself. It is a seeing of each moment, each person and each
situation as brand new, unique, non-threatening, and an opportunity
to expand your experience.. By paying attention to – and
co-operating with -- your body, feelings, mind and intuition, you
give Trust direction and become more of who you are.
Humility
is in many ways the polar opposite of “humiliation”. Humiliation
is a feeling of intense embarrassment – a product of Self-Pity and
Self-Importance. Humility, on the other hand, is a state of being in
which we dance willingly in the unknown, content to let the process
of whatever is going on have its way with us. In Humility we see our
self as part of a wider creation, and our legitimate place in it; at
the same time we are aware of the wider creation being mirrored of
us, and its place in us.. Humility arises from an unconditional
surrender to What-Is, and a chosen willingness to allow each person
(including our self) and situation to be exactly as it is, and at
the same time to see it as able to change. The self-importance
underlying so much of our urges to make
it change, and our needs know how to live “right” and how life
should be, all just gradually melt away under the influence of
humility. Only in hmility can we be creative and powerful.
Hope
is
your ability to look at the whole of life's possibilities and pick
the pieces that provide you with a desirable probability. Hope is so
much more than blind faith or wishing that there's no resemblance
between them. Hope is the art of looking at a mess, seeing the gems
of what can possibly be, and creatively engaging and interacting
with them.
Courage
comes with fear. Without fear, there is no need of Courage; there is
only machismo and foolhardiness. If you are feeling afraid, you may
choose to see that as a good sign that you are breaking new ground.
The courage I speak of is when we undefensively accept and embrace
all that we are, knowing that we have a limited perspective on that,
and that more is available to be experienced and realised. Courage
knows that we are more than we presently realise, and willfully
engages with activities that will push our boundaries. Courage is
when we dare to reach beyond he limits of possibility for what we
have created ourself and others to be, when we make bold to allow
change, and choose to reach into the unknown where others tell us to
be afraid.
Self
Worth.
I'm not talking here about an ego-based goosing of self-importance.
Self Worth is a quiet, deeply heartfelt assurance of the level of
trust and value that we give our Self. My ego will often righteously
tell me that I deserve better than what I am experiencing at the
moment, but at a deeper level I question “How worthy do I feel at
this moment that I would feel so compelled to tell myself I deserve
better? What dissonance in me rebels against me allowing this to be
fine as it is?”
Confidence arises from a way of being that knows what
is, why it is the way that it is, and accepts the way it is and how
it got to be this way, trusting the perfection of that. Confidence
results naturally from having a bigger investment in allowing life to
work rather than in creating and resisting it as “not-working”.
Confidence knows that if any condition is not held
joyfully, it is unlikely to be useful. Confidence is both joyful and
useful.
Confidence is the opposite of Self-Pity and
Self-Importance. It is not the opposite of fear; it is the
interaction of trust in the presence of fear and risk. Confidence is
courageous. It knows that action must often precede assurances or
proof that the action will be OK. Confidence is a choice of the heart
and a decision of the mind to shoulder our self doubts and act boldly
anyway.
Confidence activates –
Self-Acceptance – the love that I have been given and
that I give myself for no reason other than the fact that I exist. I
use the term “self-love” with some misgivings; I need to be very
sure that there is no hint of narcissistic Merit involved. The
“self” I am challenged to accept is something my ego has
created; the “self” I be in love with is that deeper, truer
present wareness that is the uncritical observer of it all.
Self-Worth – My ability to appreciate myself as
spirit having a human experience that is intrinsically worthwhile.
Self-Esteem – the love that arises through what I do.
It comes from within.
Gratitude for everything that is, just as it is.
Without Confidence, love, worth and esteem are just
empty words, hung out as decorations to hide an unfillable emptiness.
Self-Confidence activates my ability to cope, and my
ability to depend on myself. Without self-confidence, the choices and
decisions that I make arise out of fear of failure. Fear contracts
and restricts my view of the world and the options available to me.
Fear breaches confidence and gives rise to separation, alienation,
disorder, discrimination, failure and disease. Fear engenders
pessimism. With confidence, my world expands and fills with a natural
optimism.
TESTING
YOUR LEVEL OF SELF-CONFIDENCE
There was a time when I was advised to “fake it until
you make it”. I don't know whether this has ever really worked for
anybody: it certainly did not work for me. I ended up a fake. I don't
know how I ever expected it to work – how can anything genuine grow
from fake seeds?
How real is your current level of Confidence? For those
who like such things, there is a quick calculation you can do to
measure your actual level of self confidence.
Firstly, take each of the following elements of
Confidence and give yourself a rating as of this moment in a
challenging situation where you currently find yourself. Rate
how intensely you feel each element on a scale from 0 to 10, with 0
being the state of no feeling at all, and 10 being the highest
intensity possible.
Trust.......................
Humility.................
Hope.......................
Courage..................
For example, in a situation I am presently embroiled,
I give myself:- Trust = 8; Humility = 7; Hope = 8; and Courage = 6.
Now a little bit of Maths. The formula is:-
Confidence = (Trust
+ Hope) x Courage
(
Humility )
To insert the values in my own example ---- 8/7 =
1.125, + 8 = 9.125, x 8 = 73. When I did this exercise 3 years ago
I scored a 48. The highest possible score is 110. On the basis of
that measure, I'm doing better (but I already knew that from how I
feel).
DEVELOPING
CONFIDENCE
Is it possible to develop self-confidence? I don't think
so – not directly. I tried that. I read and followed all the
instructions from self-help gurus, only to find myself in a Rubik's
Cube reality -- every time I fixed one side, I turned it over to find
the others had got worse. Over time, hope slowly died, and I
experienced increasing loneliness, frustration and alienation.
Technology, including the technology and mind-gymnastics
of self-improvement couldn't do it for me. That doesn't make the
technology bad; I had to try it to get to a place where I was willing
to try something quite different and far less popular. But I found
that I was expecting technology to do what it was never capable of
doing – delivering Happiness and Self-Content to my door.
Technology can be of some help in implementing our Spirituality, but
it cannot do it for us. Confidence is far more organic, and DIY.
Developing Confidence is not like readjusting,
manipulating or constructing something, but more like initiating and
nurturing a process that indirectly fosters Confidence. What we can
all do, and what has worked for me, is to cultivate, create and
nurture the conditions in which Confidence can flourish............
Remember the Promise
Reaffirm the Purpose
Work with Trust
Check out the Components of Confidence
Ask for Help
Build a Repertoire of Confidences
Meditate
Create
REMEMBER
THE PROMISE
We cannot see what we do not acknowledge. In a life
dedicated to learning and growth, we are often challenged to
acknowledge some aspects of being human for ourselves that may seem
to be somewhere between “too good to be true”, or “downright
unpalatable”. Perhaps we think that acknowledging their existence
may be bad for us. It may be worthwhile to remember that anything
resisted will persist until it is acknowledged. The adage “resistance
is futile” takes on an edgier meaning.
Life also challenges us to acknowledge many things as
possibilities BEFORE we can see proof of their existence. It is my
experience, indeed, that all ideas must be first created as a
possibility before the evidence of their existence can show up. When
they do finally appear, I'm often gobsmacked to realise that they
have existed around me all along, but I couldn't see them because I
could not acknowledge the possibility of their existence for myself.
If we continue insisting on seeing tangible evidence before we
acknowledge a possibility, we're going to miss out on a lot of
wonderful discoveries. Creating a Possibility, on our own authority,
is creating Space for something new to show up in our life. That's
how it is done. First create the possibility, then watch what shows
up out of the fog......
When we come to a point where we find ourself stuck in a
circular rut of choicelessness, it may well be that our vision has
been clouded by a unwillingness to allow, or an outright denial of a
possibility. Such contractions are evidence of a rejection of the
promise of abundance and a belief in a limited universe. We fell for
the false notion that this womb is less abundant than the one that
last sustained us.
I invite you now to stand in this possibility --- We
came to this life with certain Promises, guaranteed offers available
to anyone whenever he/she is ready to accept (or reject) them:-
The Promise of Dominion
The promise of Eternal Life
The Promise of Consciousness
The Promise of Unconditional Happiness
The promise of Awareness-Being
The Promise of Dominion (not to be confused with
Domination). Life is partly about giving up the urge to control the
uncontrollable in favour of Mastery. Beyond that, we are completely
in charge. We are all vested with the ability and power of
authorship of our life. We create our own reality. We also have the
author-ity to exercise a remarkable amount of influence over our
environment, probably more than we dare realise. No matter how
disadvantaged or disabled we might think we are, we all possess and
exercise the ability – 24/7 - to create, both consciously and
unconsciously. We're doing it right now – you in your small corner
and I in mine. It's not being done TO us anywhere but in the
nightmare of our own minds. The only question is the extent and
manner in which we consciously exercise our powers of
creating and dis-creating in our own intelligent best interests.
Most of us don't. And that's our choice.
The Promise of Eternal Life. The ability to know
ourself as infinite Spirit having a limiting human experience, and
to know that, outside of ego and anything our ego considers itself
to be, there is no death, only the evolution and ongoing rebirth of
that spirit which we are, eternally becoming. Re-membering this
promise puts our fears around survival and security back in the
rubbish bin.
The Promise of Consciousness. Humans-being have an
amazing capacity for self-awareness, and awareness of our
spirituality – with some human-based limitations, just to make it
interesting. We were born with the innate capacity to learn from
past experience and predict outcomes. How well we use that capacity
is, of course, up to us.
The Promise of Unconditional Happiness Now. This seems
to be one of the hardest promises for us to accept, addicted as we
are to the unhealthy and needless habit of suffering in order to get
our way. Perhaps it is because we expect happiness to equate with
freedom from challenges, pain, calamity and fear. Not so apparently.
It seems we are challenged to experience and deal with all of life's
lessons – happily and with full heart, knowing that there are no
mistakes and none of it can be fatal. Happiness is the blank canvas
upon which we draw splodges of unhappiness. Happiness is
nevertheless available whenever we call upon it, whenever we give up
being unhappy about being unhappy. A large, lustrous pearl is the
tangible evidence of an oyster's life. Cute? Corny? Are we not more
resource-full and able than a humble oyster?
The Promise of Being. We may not always be able to do
whatever we want, but the power to BE whatever we want is available
to us. In fact there is no limit to it.
These are the gifts of life to us. All we have to do is
say “Yes, thank you” to each and open the Present.
REAFFIRM
THE PURPOSE
Decide for yourself what your life is about. Make
something up, if you have to, just for today. But make today about
something – anything. There are no “rights” nor “wrongs” in
this. Be about something you think might be worth your while. Have a
go. See how it turns out. If it works for you today, reaffirm it
tomorrow and notice the differences from day to day. If it stops
working, set something else as your purpose, and go for that.
Reaffirm Purpose as long and as often as you need to remind yourself
why something is happening and why you feel about it the way you do.
WORK
WITH TRUST
There was a moment I well remember around 20 years ago
when I was almost forced by circumstances to face a very unpalatable
truth about myself. I had resisted that acceptance, looping and
dodging it with all the “reasonable”deviousness I could muster,
but to no avail. Finally, I surrendered to it. From that moment, I
felt quite empty for quite some time. Then, out of that dark hole,
came a realisation – that I could trust someone who was prepared to
be that honest. I could trust my self. In that moment I consciously
chose to trust myself, along with my shortcomings, not despite them.
My shortcomings were underpinned by a value much larger – honesty
and an overriding desire for integrity. I knew I could trust someone
who had that much spine!
From that moment I learned that Trust begins with
committing to a deliberate choice in the face of no available
evidence that it will work. It is not unusual for evidence, proof and
reassurance of the validity of Trust to come after the fact. We
choose to trust because that is the best expression of our better
nature.
Choose Trust, on your own authority if needs be. No-one
else can give Trust to you. Choose to trust because you say so, and
for no other reason. When you do that, your trust can never be
betrayed by anyone but you. That's freedom from the Victimhood.
Let your world be brand new every moment, no longer an
extension of that which has passed. Feel the freshness and aliveness
that replaces the old staleness and stagnation of leftovers from the
dead past.
In this renewed freshness, see around you the gems of
Hope and Courage that lie waiting for you to pick up, enjoy and pass
on to others.
CHECK
OUT THE COMPONENTS OF CONFIDENCE
Now is the time to explore anew the elements of your
newly found Trust, Humility, Hope Courage and Self-Worth. Look at
where you feel yourself lacking. A sense of “lack” is evidence of
something within you that is blinding you to its availability. If you
have trouble seeing clearly from your viewpoint..................
ASK
FOR HELP
Asking for help is Humility in action. Seeking
perspective is an act of Confidence.
It helps to understand that a condition of low
self-confidence was not reasoned into, therefore it cannot be
reasoned out of. We got here emotionally, and emotionally is how
we're going to have to re-emerge. Well-meaning friends and colleagues
who give you verbal reassurances of your worth, or tell you to “pull
yourself together”, may give you a momentary “lift” but are not
likely to be very successful in digging you out of the funk in which
you find yourself mired. Some insightful, experienced expertise is
called for, and it is freely available through the many helping
agencies (eg. Lifeline) that can be found in the front of your
telephone directory.
In some cases effective emotional freedom can be
achieved by completing, in a different context, hitherto uncompleted
experiences of failing confidence. The past can be transformed by
seeing it differently, from a different viewpoint. With your
willingness, a counsellor may accompany you back to an incident from
the past where the feelings of inadequacy, fear, shame and guilt are
still accessible. You will be invited to feel that event as a fresh
experience, rather than as an extension of some past continuum, and
to imaginatively see yourself resolving it from a different
perspective. The resulting experience of “a load off your
shoulders” leads you naturally to a totally different conclusion
about the way life can be for you. Once this kind of transformation
is achieved in one such event, the others in the chain resolve
themselves naturally over time.
The ultimate responsibility for re-connecting with
Confidence lies squarely with you. No-one can do your journey for you
but, with your willing co-operation, another perceptive person can
reflect you to yourself from a different perspective, allowing you to
see things differently. A truly experienced person can, with your
willingness, actually shift you to another point of view where you
will see your predicament quite differently. Those kinds of
revelations can, with your willing co-operation, transform your
experience beyond all recognition.
I am aware of repeating phrases like “with your
willingness”, possibly ad nauseam; the repetition is
deliberate. Nothing worthwhile can ever happen for us without our
willing co-operation. No-one is ever going to force us to act in our
own intelligent best interest. We fell into a condition of low
self-confidence willingly (if not consciously), and we hang onto it
because there is supposed to be some emotional payoff from it (eg.
Sympathy from others). We need to bring our active willingness to the
process if we are to successfully give it up.
Getting help is not only possible, it is probably a good
idea. In the meantime, you can begin to help yourself. In moments of
crisis or decision-making, ask your self the following questions ---
What would a person with no confidence do in these
circumstances?
What would a person with heaps of confidence do in
these circumstances?
What am I doing right now?
Without limiting myself with the “How”of it,
what possible moves can I see available to me?
Which one appeals to me the most right now? (Don't
worry about “how” just for now.)
What is one thing I can do now that will take me one
step closer to that?
When
will I do that? [Exact
time and date, please.]
What am I beginning to see now that I could not see
a few moments ago?
BUILD
A REPERTOIRE OF CONFIDENCES
Remember times in the past when you created and
experienced Confidence. List each one you remember, no matter big or
small the event, or how hazy the details might be right now.
Re-member. Recall any details that come to mind. If you were
challenged, how did you meet it? Most importantly, remember the
feeling when it worked for you.
MEDITATION
Extend this reflective process now to imagine the
presence and the effect of Confidence in your life. Put on some quiet
music and settle yourself comfortably for a few minutes. Whether you
imagine something literal or figurative doesn't matter – it's up to
you; either will work equally well.
If meditation is new to you, you may like to get a
friend to read the following script slowly to you while you relax and
let your imagination run free........
Imagine now you are walking along a shady country
lane. The sun is shining and the air is crisp and clear. Beyond the
trees on either side, the crops are green and growing. Birds are
chirping and insects are buzzing. It is one of those warm, vibrant
spring days that makes you feel glad you are alive.
On your left hand side there is a high hedge. You
come to a grand gateway. The sign on the gatehouse says “Mansion of
Confidence.” The gate is wide open; you walk to the entrance. In
side is the most beautiful parkland you have ever seen. In front of
you is a wide, tree-lined avenue leading up to the grandest house you
have ever seen. Something beckons you. You walk up the avenue and
climb the steps to the front door which mysteriously swings open as
you approach.
You walk inside a cool quiet atrium. Off to your left
is a library with bookshelves reaching from floor to ceiling. Through
the double doors to the right you can see an enormous, ornate
ballroom. You have never been here before but, strangely, you feel
safe and welcome in this grand house. In front of you is a wide,
curved, marble stair case leading up to a wide balcony that curves
around above the atrium. With no fear, you walk up the staircase,
your feet sinking into the plush pile of the carpet. There is no
sound, but you are not afraid.. Off to the left and the right is a
long gallery leading to many, many bedrooms. In front of you is a
welcoming parlour; you walk inside. It is elegantly furnished, with
heavy drapes framing enormous windows that look out over the grounds.
As you turn to explore elsewhere, a secret panel in the wall slides
quietly open. You look inside.
The room is lit by a warm glow of Trust. As you walk
inside, a faint, pleasant aroma of Humility wafts into your nostrils.
In the centre of the room is one of those tailor's dummies. Draped
over it is the Gown of Hope and the Mantle of Courage. Stitched into
the lapel of the Gown in pure gold thread is your name. You put on
the gown of Hope, and don the mantle of Courage. Your whole being
fills with the air of Confidence that permeates the whole mansion.
You feel so peacefully powerful. You walk to the enormous window and
walk through onto a sunlit balcony. There, spread out before you in
every direction, lies …. your future. You take it all in with an
air of quiet gratitude.
It is now time to leave and continue your journey.
You replace the gown and the mantle, return down the staircase and
out of the front doors, feeling them close behind you. The feeling of
Confidence stays with you: you know that this place is yours, and you
can return to it any time you wish. You run down the stairs, and
along the avenue, out of the Main Gates, and back out into the
country lane. You turn left now and continue on your journey, secure
and content that, whatever comes next, all will be well for
you............
Take a deep breath, and let it go. In your own time,
come into this here and now.........
7. CREATE
It is time to Create, as well as Consume
It is time to become more than you think you can be
By Creating
Creating is Confidence in action.
Is there evil in this world?
Yes
Evil is neither good nor bad; it is the reverse of
“live”. Evil is anything that limits the possibilities of life.
Whatever stops creativity is evil. Whatever keeps us
stuck is evil.
Creating is the process of bringing something forth from
nothing. Something from something is just incremental Change. We have
had enough of change; we got short-changed. The world needs more
creators who are willing to stick their necks out and dare to imagine
and confidently bring forth miracles.
Creating is not difficult. You have just done it – in
the meditation above. Whatever you imagined into being is already
created. It is done. It is that simple.
Creating eschews the pursuit of Domination in favour of
Dominion. Creating abandons the lust for control in favour of
Mastery. Creating awakens us to our true be-ing. Creating awakens the
godness in us. When creating, we become aware and in-tuned with a
universe that is constantly creating and dis-creating. Creating is
the bridge. No thing is evil of itself; it becomes so in proportion
to how we create with it. It depends on us – whether we consume and
compete, or create.
In fact, we are all creating, all of the time. But so
few of us are aware of it, and even fewer will go responsible for
what we create. An aware act of creating gives Creation its meaning
for the Creator – you. Do you leave wherever you have been a little
more beautiful than you found it? It is not a hard thing to do. A
smile is enough. Do you give life a little more grace? A kind word or
gesture of respect is enough. Do you contribute a little joy, a
little dignity to the ordinary? A gesture of consideration or word of
encouragement is enough. Do you create a pleasant spiritual fragrance
wherever you go, to be wafted away by the wind to places unknown? A
word of genuine thanks and appreciation is sufficient. No grand
speeches or heroic gestures are needed. These are things we can all
do, no matter how humble our circumstances. They cost us nothing,
except our membership of the Victimhood. Each word, each gesture
builds and spreads Confidence. Each makes a difference. One kind
greeting to a stranger in the morning can be paid forward
exponentially to others throughout the day, transforming lives
unimagined.
If we are not creating, we are competing for something
we have not originated, consuming, depleting and destroying. It is a
question of our attitude and our awareness. When we create, we are
spirit realising itself; when we compete and consume we
misappropriate our selves. To make life more meaningful, all we have
to do is create, turning some small corner of a nightmare into a
little moment of paradise, making something meaningful and beautiful
for somebody else.
To be creative, however, one must mix it with the world.
Retreating to a monastic cave for 30 years is cowardly, escapist,
consumptive and parasitic. Creating means sharing whatever you
conjure freely with those whose needs you meet. Making the world we
inhabit more meaningful and beautiful is immensely rewarding – not
in some afterlife, but right here and right now. The very act of
creating brings its own immediate joy and pleasure, as long as there
are no expectations of Return for effort.
Creating is Confidence in action.
