WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

Dedicated to my friends -- all two of them -- who by example teach me still how to be a friend.

I was astounded one day recently to hear some poor guy boasting that he had 2,700 friends on Facebook, a fact that he sincerely felt gave him and his opinions real validity and heft. I felt a pall of sadness descend. How could the complex coalition of sentiments, experiences, comforts, challenges, inspirations and responsibilities symbolised by such a fine word - "friend" - have come to be so cheapened?

I am known, I think, more by the quality of my friends (and enemies) than by the quantity. So I guess that colours my definitions of what it means to have and be a "friend". Never mind, here goes anyway.....

What is a "friend"? The word itself, I'm told, derives from the Old English, frēond, the present participle of a verb - "to love". That derivation is no accident. Love is the space in which we accept unconditionally all that is, just as it is; all that has been, all that is possible to yet be, and all that is never likely to be. "Liking" barely comes into it. Apart from being energetically wet, liking is not something I'm always able to feel about some things my friends say and do, and I'm sure they feel the same way about me. A Friend is someone you be in love with. A Friend is allowed bouts of unlikeableness.

The term, "friend", like "partner", is generic for a myriad of possible relationships. Some friends (and enemies) come into our lives for a long time, some for as brief a time as a passing moment or two. Some friends connect with us at many points and areas of our life; others at only one or two. Some connect with us socially, some professionally, some emotionally, some spiritually, some intellectually, and a few connect with us at more than one of these levels all at once. Some friends connect at depth and height; others connect at a shallower, limited level. Friend or foe, they're all friends, all perfect and all OK.

A healthy human being has many friends, ranging in their variety across as many levels of your life as you can manage. Our troubles begin when we expect certain "friends" to be all things to us, all of the time, when that may not be what-is. We may be un-aware of, or be ignoring signs that our expectations and needs of someone are unrealistic.

Friendship, to me, is all about a quality of Connection. Notice I use the word "connection" and avoid the word "attachment". Why, do you think, would I do that? What is the distinction between connection and attachment? I leave you to stand in that question, because your answers may reveal to you a lot about the health state of your Friendship Account.

The connection of friendship may be of common passions, personal affection or deep regard. Or all three and more. The closer the friendship, the more Affinity and Alike-ness ebbs and flows between us. When I and a close friend are in communication, we are each in our own space, AND there is only one of us.

How would it be IF, suddenly tomorrow morning –

• “friends” and “enemies” turned out to be flipsides of the same coin? After all, they  are both drawn to you by Attraction. What if you answered the question -- "What is it in me that draws this person to me? Is there something I am not seeing in myself?"
• you stopped regarding a “friend” as someone who agrees with your beliefs and opinions (usually only as long as you give them agreeable-ness in return)?
• you stopped assuming that any enemy of your “enemy” is automatically your “friend”? That blind assumption has been the downfall of many.
• people who can't stand each other got honest about their dislike and what they really feel threatened by? What if you STOPPED temporarily huddling under a patriotic banner like “Team Australia”, and stopped turning your fears on a conveniently shared "enemy" (like abos, Jews, Muslims, terrorists, Arabs, homos, greenies, bikies, Presbyterians, ebola victims, boat people, Collingwood/Port Adelaide supporters, or anybody else you don't understand) ??
• the opposite of “friend” were not “foe”, but “a stranger we've not met yet”?

With all of that pretence and deceit out of the way, how differently would your world look and feel? Friendlier? Happier? Brighter? More colourful? A sweeter place to live in?

Look, if ever all this fear- and hate-mongering is done with, if the “bogeymen” are ever vanquished, we're still going to have to turn toward each other and figure out how to get along together. We're still going to have to get honest with how we relate directly with each other. Our fear and dislike of "others" is a distraction, and a function of how we feel about each other and, ultimately, our self. And that isn't going to go away until we engage with it, openly and honestly. Has it not occurred to you how often, when things are not going well at home, we're persuaded to go to war on one of the neighbours?  We allow ourselves to be distracted. It's a favourite ploy of powermongers to tap into this weakness of ours in order to manipulate support, agreement and the appearance of unity -- create a Them -v- Us scenario with a third party. Right now it's "Team Australia" -v- Those Bad Buggers. Look at Abbott challenging Putin -- like a couple of scrawny fighting cocks! And these jerks have guns -- big ones!

How about disengaging from this separating diversion and just get our own house in order first? Just this much? I'll smile "welcome" at immigrants on the bus; instead of an emotional shirt-front, you give your neighbours one of your sunniest grins like you're pleased to see them. Why not? They ARE me and you; just looking slightly different different in an imperfect mirror.....

How about declaring a truce and committing matrimony with yourself and your world? How about becoming first your own best friend? Then watch your world suddenly and inexplicably fall into place......and see how easily friends stroll, unobstructed, in and out of the natural sunshine of your space.

Could it be that simple? Yes, indeed it could.

And could it be more difficult? Probably not. I think we create enemies because it's simpler and easier than the alternatives; it's just too bloody personally invasive and challenging to make friends. To become a friend we have to give up being so righteous, let all kinds of new, strange people drift in, make space for them, become friends for however long, and let them go on through with your wholehearted blessing and gratitude. Most of us can't be bothered -- Tell these new ones to bugger off. I have enough friends already.

Friendship is complicated. There's no one-size-fits-all in friendship: each has to be tailor-crafted. It takes resilience, flexibility, effort and empathy to have friends. I think that's why connection is a primeval urge of being human, and at the same time a daunting challenge. So we are at war with ourselves.

In the absence of real friends, it's little wonder to me that we get intelligence-challenged, testosteronically turgid schoolyard bullies for leaders....we put our trust in people who crave our friendship and promise us the world for five minutes while we vote for them, but don't deserve it. Why do we fall for that? Either because we want something from them, or want to be saved from something by them. Colin Hayes said to me more than once -- "If you need something from someone else, you're fucked." Are you one of those?

If you want to have a friend, learn and practice how to be a friend, without counting the cost or looking for any quid pro quo. Welcome friends for no other reason than it is your nature to practice Friend-ness.