COCKY, or CONFIDENT?

Which set of adjectives more accurately describes you -- arrogantly smart; pertly self-assertive; conceited? -or- having strong belief or full assurance; sure: confirmed of completion; bold? Under what circumstances do you arc up as brashly cocky, and when do you settle comfortably into quiet confidence? What is it to be “confident”?

The word “confidence” derives from two Latin words, con fidere.......... literally meaning “with trust”. In this context, Trust differs from “faith”. Faith is invested in something not-known, something that has to be believed. Trust is invested in something that is rooted in first-hand experience.

Confidence is.................

• A firm trust in the sufficiency and abundance of our own being
• An unconditional acceptance of all that we are, and a perception of the worth of that.
• An assured expectation
• The key-stone of the Courage we need to explore the unknown within and without.
• Self-reliance
• Boldness
• Impudence
• The telling of private matters with mutual trust – that they will remain private and that vulnerabilities will not be abused or exploited
• Living without needing or looking for reassurance
• Being open with another without giving our power away
• Giving and sharing – not dumping
• The ability to tell the truth to oneself, and feel equanimity about all of it.
• The space to comfortably hold our self-doubts.
• The ability to recognise enoughness in the moment, and be grateful for that.
• A knowing that we are safe, and that there is no death of that which we are.
• Always a personal choice, and sometimes has to be created in the face of apparent evidence to the contrary.

Confidence does not mean the absence of any apprehension or anxiety. Without misgivings, confidence is worthless recklessness. We're offered Courage to deal creatively with the shakes. Some confidences result from a choice to act in the face of those fears, in circumstances where others might quail.

The enemies of Confidence are the twin ogres of Self-Pity and Self-Importance. Their bratty offspring are cockiness, foolhardiness, bluff & bluster, gall and presumptuousness.

When Confidence becomes eroded, life becomes miserably littered with the wreckage of broken dreams and shattered hopes. We become dis-engaged from our true self, others and life itself. Distrust and disaffection eat away at our waning spirits. Bitterness and disillusionment drape like a pall over us, driving us into all kinds of unhealthy strategies to keep them at bay. We succumb to chronic states of anxiety, despair and depression.

I find that Cockiness is a flat veneer of affrontery: Confidence has substance, including Trust, Humility, Hope, Courage and a deep sense of Self Worth.

1. Trust is a powerful State of Being. Trust is characterised by an unruffled equanimity that results from an innate reliance on your own worth and rely-ability to handle the vagaries of other people, things and situations. Until you can trust yourself, you will never be trustworthy. Until you can depend on yourself, you will never be dependable. Trust is a quiet knowing that you can depend on yourself. It is a seeing of each moment, each person and each situation as brand new, unique, non-threatening, and an opportunity to expand your experience.. By paying attention to – and co-operating with -- your body, feelings, mind and intuition, you give Trust direction and become more of who you are.
2. Humility is in many ways the polar opposite of “humiliation”. Humiliation is a feeling of intense embarrassment – a product of Self-Pity and Self-Importance. Humility, on the other hand, is a state of being in which we dance willingly in the unknown, content to let the process of whatever is going on have its way with us. In Humility we see our self as part of a wider creation, and our legitimate place in it; at the same time we are aware of the wider creation being mirrored of us, and its place in us.. Humility arises from an unconditional surrender to What-Is, and a chosen willingness to allow each person (including our self) and situation to be exactly as it is, and at the same time to see it as able to change. The self-importance underlying so much of our urges to make it change, and our needs know how to live “right” and how life should be, all just gradually melt away under the influence of humility. Only in hmility can we be creative and powerful.
3. Hope is your ability to look at the whole of life's possibilities and pick the pieces that provide you with a desirable probability. Hope is so much more than blind faith or wishing that there's no resemblance between them. Hope is the art of looking at a mess, seeing the gems of what can possibly be, and creatively engaging and interacting with them.
4. Courage comes with fear. Without fear, there is no need of Courage; there is only machismo and foolhardiness. If you are feeling afraid, you may choose to see that as a good sign that you are breaking new ground. The courage I speak of is when we undefensively accept and embrace all that we are, knowing that we have a limited perspective on that, and that more is available to be experienced and realised. Courage knows that we are more than we presently realise, and willfully engages with activities that will push our boundaries. Courage is when we dare to reach beyond he limits of possibility for what we have created ourself and others to be, when we make bold to allow change, and choose to reach into the unknown where others tell us to be afraid.
5. Self Worth. I'm not talking here about an ego-based goosing of self-importance. Self Worth is a quiet, deeply heartfelt assurance of the level of trust and value that we give our Self. My ego will often righteously tell me that I deserve better than what I am experiencing at the moment, but at a deeper level I question “How worthy do I feel at this moment that I would feel so compelled to tell myself I deserve better? What dissonance in me rebels against me allowing this to be fine as it is?”

Confidence arises from a way of being that knows what is, why it is the way that it is, and accepts the way it is and how it got to be this way, trusting the perfection of that. Confidence results naturally from having a bigger investment in allowing life to work rather than in creating and resisting it as “not-working”.

Confidence knows that if any condition is not held joyfully, it is unlikely to be useful. Confidence is both joyful and useful.

Confidence is the opposite of Self-Pity and Self-Importance. It is not the opposite of fear; it is the interaction of trust in the presence of fear and risk. Confidence is courageous. It knows that action must often precede assurances or proof that the action will be OK. Confidence is a choice of the heart and a decision of the mind to shoulder our self doubts and act boldly anyway.

Confidence activates –

• Self-Acceptance – the love that I have been given and that I give myself for no reason other than the fact that I exist. I use the term “self-love” with some misgivings; I need to be very sure that there is no hint of narcissistic Merit involved. The “self” I am challenged to accept is something my ego has created; the “self” I be in love with is that deeper, truer present wareness that is the uncritical observer of it all.
• Self-Worth – My ability to appreciate myself as spirit having a human experience that is intrinsically worthwhile.
• Self-Esteem – the love that arises through what I do. It comes from within.
• Gratitude for everything that is, just as it is.

Without Confidence, love, worth and esteem are just empty words, hung out as decorations to hide an unfillable emptiness.

Self-Confidence activates my ability to cope, and my ability to depend on myself. Without self-confidence, the choices and decisions that I make arise out of fear of failure. Fear contracts and restricts my view of the world and the options available to me. Fear breaches confidence and gives rise to separation, alienation, disorder, discrimination, failure and disease. Fear engenders pessimism. With confidence, my world expands and fills with a natural optimism.

TESTING YOUR LEVEL OF SELF-CONFIDENCE

There was a time when I was advised to “fake it until you make it”. I don't know whether this has ever really worked for anybody: it certainly did not work for me. I ended up a fake. I don't know how I ever expected it to work – how can anything genuine grow from fake seeds?

How real is your current level of Confidence? For those who like such things, there is a quick calculation you can do to measure your actual level of self confidence.

Firstly, take each of the following elements of Confidence and give yourself a rating as of this moment in a challenging situation where you currently find yourself. Rate how intensely you feel each element on a scale from 0 to 10, with 0 being the state of no feeling at all, and 10 being the highest intensity possible.

Trust.......................

Humility.................

Hope.......................

Courage..................

For example, in a situation I am presently embroiled, I give myself:- Trust = 8; Humility = 7; Hope = 8; and Courage = 6.

Now a little bit of Maths. The formula is:-

Confidence = (Trust + Hope) x Courage

( Humility )

To insert the values in my own example ---- 8/7 = 1.125, + 8 = 9.125, x 8 = 73. When I did this exercise 3 years ago I scored a 48. The highest possible score is 110. On the basis of that measure, I'm doing better (but I already knew that from how I feel).

DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Is it possible to develop self-confidence? I don't think so – not directly. I tried that. I read and followed all the instructions from self-help gurus, only to find myself in a Rubik's Cube reality -- every time I fixed one side, I turned it over to find the others had got worse. Over time, hope slowly died, and I experienced increasing loneliness, frustration and alienation.

Technology, including the technology and mind-gymnastics of self-improvement couldn't do it for me. That doesn't make the technology bad; I had to try it to get to a place where I was willing to try something quite different and far less popular. But I found that I was expecting technology to do what it was never capable of doing – delivering Happiness and Self-Content to my door. Technology can be of some help in implementing our Spirituality, but it cannot do it for us. Confidence is far more organic, and DIY.

Developing Confidence is not like readjusting, manipulating or constructing something, but more like initiating and nurturing a process that indirectly fosters Confidence. What we can all do, and what has worked for me, is to cultivate, create and nurture the conditions in which Confidence can flourish............

1. Remember the Promise
2. Reaffirm the Purpose
3. Work with Trust
4. Check out the Components of Confidence
5. Ask for Help
6. Build a Repertoire of Confidences
7. Meditate
8. Create

1. REMEMBER THE PROMISE

We cannot see what we do not acknowledge. In a life dedicated to learning and growth, we are often challenged to acknowledge some aspects of being human for ourselves that may seem to be somewhere between “too good to be true”, or “downright unpalatable”. Perhaps we think that acknowledging their existence may be bad for us. It may be worthwhile to remember that anything resisted will persist until it is acknowledged. The adage “resistance is futile” takes on an edgier meaning.

Life also challenges us to acknowledge many things as possibilities BEFORE we can see proof of their existence. It is my experience, indeed, that all ideas must be first created as a possibility before the evidence of their existence can show up. When they do finally appear, I'm often gobsmacked to realise that they have existed around me all along, but I couldn't see them because I could not acknowledge the possibility of their existence for myself. If we continue insisting on seeing tangible evidence before we acknowledge a possibility, we're going to miss out on a lot of wonderful discoveries. Creating a Possibility, on our own authority, is creating Space for something new to show up in our life. That's how it is done. First create the possibility, then watch what shows up out of the fog......

When we come to a point where we find ourself stuck in a circular rut of choicelessness, it may well be that our vision has been clouded by a unwillingness to allow, or an outright denial of a possibility. Such contractions are evidence of a rejection of the promise of abundance and a belief in a limited universe. We fell for the false notion that this womb is less abundant than the one that last sustained us.

I invite you now to stand in this possibility --- We came to this life with certain Promises, guaranteed offers available to anyone whenever he/she is ready to accept (or reject) them:-

• The Promise of Dominion
• The promise of Eternal Life
• The Promise of Consciousness
• The Promise of Unconditional Happiness
• The promise of Awareness-Being

1. The Promise of Dominion (not to be confused with Domination). Life is partly about giving up the urge to control the uncontrollable in favour of Mastery. Beyond that, we are completely in charge. We are all vested with the ability and power of authorship of our life. We create our own reality. We also have the author-ity to exercise a remarkable amount of influence over our environment, probably more than we dare realise. No matter how disadvantaged or disabled we might think we are, we all possess and exercise the ability – 24/7 - to create, both consciously and unconsciously. We're doing it right now – you in your small corner and I in mine. It's not being done TO us anywhere but in the nightmare of our own minds. The only question is the extent and manner in which we consciously exercise our powers of creating and dis-creating in our own intelligent best interests. Most of us don't. And that's our choice.
2. The Promise of Eternal Life. The ability to know ourself as infinite Spirit having a limiting human experience, and to know that, outside of ego and anything our ego considers itself to be, there is no death, only the evolution and ongoing rebirth of that spirit which we are, eternally becoming. Re-membering this promise puts our fears around survival and security back in the rubbish bin.
3. The Promise of Consciousness. Humans-being have an amazing capacity for self-awareness, and awareness of our spirituality – with some human-based limitations, just to make it interesting. We were born with the innate capacity to learn from past experience and predict outcomes. How well we use that capacity is, of course, up to us.
4. The Promise of Unconditional Happiness Now. This seems to be one of the hardest promises for us to accept, addicted as we are to the unhealthy and needless habit of suffering in order to get our way. Perhaps it is because we expect happiness to equate with freedom from challenges, pain, calamity and fear. Not so apparently. It seems we are challenged to experience and deal with all of life's lessons – happily and with full heart, knowing that there are no mistakes and none of it can be fatal. Happiness is the blank canvas upon which we draw splodges of unhappiness. Happiness is nevertheless available whenever we call upon it, whenever we give up being unhappy about being unhappy. A large, lustrous pearl is the tangible evidence of an oyster's life. Cute? Corny? Are we not more resource-full and able than a humble oyster?
5. The Promise of Being. We may not always be able to do whatever we want, but the power to BE whatever we want is available to us. In fact there is no limit to it.

These are the gifts of life to us. All we have to do is say “Yes, thank you” to each and open the Present.

2. REAFFIRM THE PURPOSE

Decide for yourself what your life is about. Make something up, if you have to, just for today. But make today about something – anything. There are no “rights” nor “wrongs” in this. Be about something you think might be worth your while. Have a go. See how it turns out. If it works for you today, reaffirm it tomorrow and notice the differences from day to day. If it stops working, set something else as your purpose, and go for that. Reaffirm Purpose as long and as often as you need to remind yourself why something is happening and why you feel about it the way you do.

2. WORK WITH TRUST

There was a moment I well remember around 20 years ago when I was almost forced by circumstances to face a very unpalatable truth about myself. I had resisted that acceptance, looping and dodging it with all the “reasonable”deviousness I could muster, but to no avail. Finally, I surrendered to it. From that moment, I felt quite empty for quite some time. Then, out of that dark hole, came a realisation – that I could trust someone who was prepared to be that honest. I could trust my self. In that moment I consciously chose to trust myself, along with my shortcomings, not despite them. My shortcomings were underpinned by a value much larger – honesty and an overriding desire for integrity. I knew I could trust someone who had that much spine!

From that moment I learned that Trust begins with committing to a deliberate choice in the face of no available evidence that it will work. It is not unusual for evidence, proof and reassurance of the validity of Trust to come after the fact. We choose to trust because that is the best expression of our better nature.

Choose Trust, on your own authority if needs be. No-one else can give Trust to you. Choose to trust because you say so, and for no other reason. When you do that, your trust can never be betrayed by anyone but you. That's freedom from the Victimhood.

Let your world be brand new every moment, no longer an extension of that which has passed. Feel the freshness and aliveness that replaces the old staleness and stagnation of leftovers from the dead past.

In this renewed freshness, see around you the gems of Hope and Courage that lie waiting for you to pick up, enjoy and pass on to others.

3. CHECK OUT THE COMPONENTS OF CONFIDENCE

Now is the time to explore anew the elements of your newly found Trust, Humility, Hope Courage and Self-Worth. Look at where you feel yourself lacking. A sense of “lack” is evidence of something within you that is blinding you to its availability. If you have trouble seeing clearly from your viewpoint..................

4. ASK FOR HELP

Asking for help is Humility in action. Seeking perspective is an act of Confidence.

It helps to understand that a condition of low self-confidence was not reasoned into, therefore it cannot be reasoned out of. We got here emotionally, and emotionally is how we're going to have to re-emerge. Well-meaning friends and colleagues who give you verbal reassurances of your worth, or tell you to “pull yourself together”, may give you a momentary “lift” but are not likely to be very successful in digging you out of the funk in which you find yourself mired. Some insightful, experienced expertise is called for, and it is freely available through the many helping agencies (eg. Lifeline) that can be found in the front of your telephone directory.

In some cases effective emotional freedom can be achieved by completing, in a different context, hitherto uncompleted experiences of failing confidence. The past can be transformed by seeing it differently, from a different viewpoint. With your willingness, a counsellor may accompany you back to an incident from the past where the feelings of inadequacy, fear, shame and guilt are still accessible. You will be invited to feel that event as a fresh experience, rather than as an extension of some past continuum, and to imaginatively see yourself resolving it from a different perspective. The resulting experience of “a load off your shoulders” leads you naturally to a totally different conclusion about the way life can be for you. Once this kind of transformation is achieved in one such event, the others in the chain resolve themselves naturally over time.

The ultimate responsibility for re-connecting with Confidence lies squarely with you. No-one can do your journey for you but, with your willing co-operation, another perceptive person can reflect you to yourself from a different perspective, allowing you to see things differently. A truly experienced person can, with your willingness, actually shift you to another point of view where you will see your predicament quite differently. Those kinds of revelations can, with your willing co-operation, transform your experience beyond all recognition.

I am aware of repeating phrases like “with your willingness”, possibly ad nauseam; the repetition is deliberate. Nothing worthwhile can ever happen for us without our willing co-operation. No-one is ever going to force us to act in our own intelligent best interest. We fell into a condition of low self-confidence willingly (if not consciously), and we hang onto it because there is supposed to be some emotional payoff from it (eg. Sympathy from others). We need to bring our active willingness to the process if we are to successfully give it up.

Getting help is not only possible, it is probably a good idea. In the meantime, you can begin to help yourself. In moments of crisis or decision-making, ask your self the following questions ---

• What would a person with no confidence do in these circumstances?
• What would a person with heaps of confidence do in these circumstances?
• What am I doing right now?
• Without limiting myself with the “How”of it, what possible moves can I see available to me?
• Which one appeals to me the most right now? (Don't worry about “how” just for now.)
• What is one thing I can do now that will take me one step closer to that?
• When will I do that? [Exact time and date, please.]
• What am I beginning to see now that I could not see a few moments ago?

5. BUILD A REPERTOIRE OF CONFIDENCES

Remember times in the past when you created and experienced Confidence. List each one you remember, no matter big or small the event, or how hazy the details might be right now. Re-member. Recall any details that come to mind. If you were challenged, how did you meet it? Most importantly, remember the feeling when it worked for you.

6. MEDITATION

Extend this reflective process now to imagine the presence and the effect of Confidence in your life. Put on some quiet music and settle yourself comfortably for a few minutes. Whether you imagine something literal or figurative doesn't matter – it's up to you; either will work equally well.

If meditation is new to you, you may like to get a friend to read the following script slowly to you while you relax and let your imagination run free........

Imagine now you are walking along a shady country lane. The sun is shining and the air is crisp and clear. Beyond the trees on either side, the crops are green and growing. Birds are chirping and insects are buzzing. It is one of those warm, vibrant spring days that makes you feel glad you are alive.

On your left hand side there is a high hedge. You come to a grand gateway. The sign on the gatehouse says “Mansion of Confidence.” The gate is wide open; you walk to the entrance. In side is the most beautiful parkland you have ever seen. In front of you is a wide, tree-lined avenue leading up to the grandest house you have ever seen. Something beckons you. You walk up the avenue and climb the steps to the front door which mysteriously swings open as you approach.

You walk inside a cool quiet atrium. Off to your left is a library with bookshelves reaching from floor to ceiling. Through the double doors to the right you can see an enormous, ornate ballroom. You have never been here before but, strangely, you feel safe and welcome in this grand house. In front of you is a wide, curved, marble stair case leading up to a wide balcony that curves around above the atrium. With no fear, you walk up the staircase, your feet sinking into the plush pile of the carpet. There is no sound, but you are not afraid.. Off to the left and the right is a long gallery leading to many, many bedrooms. In front of you is a welcoming parlour; you walk inside. It is elegantly furnished, with heavy drapes framing enormous windows that look out over the grounds. As you turn to explore elsewhere, a secret panel in the wall slides quietly open. You look inside.

The room is lit by a warm glow of Trust. As you walk inside, a faint, pleasant aroma of Humility wafts into your nostrils. In the centre of the room is one of those tailor's dummies. Draped over it is the Gown of Hope and the Mantle of Courage. Stitched into the lapel of the Gown in pure gold thread is your name. You put on the gown of Hope, and don the mantle of Courage. Your whole being fills with the air of Confidence that permeates the whole mansion. You feel so peacefully powerful. You walk to the enormous window and walk through onto a sunlit balcony. There, spread out before you in every direction, lies …. your future. You take it all in with an air of quiet gratitude.

It is now time to leave and continue your journey. You replace the gown and the mantle, return down the staircase and out of the front doors, feeling them close behind you. The feeling of Confidence stays with you: you know that this place is yours, and you can return to it any time you wish. You run down the stairs, and along the avenue, out of the Main Gates, and back out into the country lane. You turn left now and continue on your journey, secure and content that, whatever comes next, all will be well for you............

Take a deep breath, and let it go. In your own time, come into this here and now.........

7. CREATE

It is time to Create, as well as Consume

It is time to become more than you think you can be

By Creating

Creating is Confidence in action.

Is there evil in this world?

Yes

Evil is neither good nor bad; it is the reverse of “live”. Evil is anything that limits the possibilities of life.

Whatever stops creativity is evil. Whatever keeps us stuck is evil.

Creating is the process of bringing something forth from nothing. Something from something is just incremental Change. We have had enough of change; we got short-changed. The world needs more creators who are willing to stick their necks out and dare to imagine and confidently bring forth miracles.

Creating is not difficult. You have just done it – in the meditation above. Whatever you imagined into being is already created. It is done. It is that simple.

Creating eschews the pursuit of Domination in favour of Dominion. Creating abandons the lust for control in favour of Mastery. Creating awakens us to our true be-ing. Creating awakens the godness in us. When creating, we become aware and in-tuned with a universe that is constantly creating and dis-creating. Creating is the bridge. No thing is evil of itself; it becomes so in proportion to how we create with it. It depends on us – whether we consume and compete, or create.

In fact, we are all creating, all of the time. But so few of us are aware of it, and even fewer will go responsible for what we create. An aware act of creating gives Creation its meaning for the Creator – you. Do you leave wherever you have been a little more beautiful than you found it? It is not a hard thing to do. A smile is enough. Do you give life a little more grace? A kind word or gesture of respect is enough. Do you contribute a little joy, a little dignity to the ordinary? A gesture of consideration or word of encouragement is enough. Do you create a pleasant spiritual fragrance wherever you go, to be wafted away by the wind to places unknown? A word of genuine thanks and appreciation is sufficient. No grand speeches or heroic gestures are needed. These are things we can all do, no matter how humble our circumstances. They cost us nothing, except our membership of the Victimhood. Each word, each gesture builds and spreads Confidence. Each makes a difference. One kind greeting to a stranger in the morning can be paid forward exponentially to others throughout the day, transforming lives unimagined.

If we are not creating, we are competing for something we have not originated, consuming, depleting and destroying. It is a question of our attitude and our awareness. When we create, we are spirit realising itself; when we compete and consume we misappropriate our selves. To make life more meaningful, all we have to do is create, turning some small corner of a nightmare into a little moment of paradise, making something meaningful and beautiful for somebody else.

To be creative, however, one must mix it with the world. Retreating to a monastic cave for 30 years is cowardly, escapist, consumptive and parasitic. Creating means sharing whatever you conjure freely with those whose needs you meet. Making the world we inhabit more meaningful and beautiful is immensely rewarding – not in some afterlife, but right here and right now. The very act of creating brings its own immediate joy and pleasure, as long as there are no expectations of Return for effort.

Creating is Confidence in action.