HAPPINESS = ENOUGHNESS ALREADY!

When catastrophe strikes, we are sometimes rocked far enough back on our heels to ask, "What's going on here? Is this how I want to go on living? What do I really want from life?" These can be life-changing moments of the and death and rebirth of Self.

Here are four questions that you - and only you - can answer:

How bad do things have to get before you'll do something about it? 

How much do you need to reach “enough”? 

 

Who or what is in charge of your Enough Meter? You, your addictions or some marketer you've never met? 

 

Who or what does a hankering for "more" give you over to?

Are you caught in the lie that “More is better”? We plod on through our gloom, sustained by a vain hope that when we get more of whatever we yearn for, then we'll be happy. Well, it's a dead-end folks. Go on down there if you really have to, but I've been there, and it ends up nowhere/now-here. But what the hell, don't believe me – find out for your self. I'll be here waiting for you when you return.

I'm finding that permanent happiness lies waiting just behind our ability to be contented in what-is, here and now. I call it “Re-acquired Suchness”. We had it once; we were born with it, but we lost it along the way. To some people this kind of equanimity comes more easily than to others, but it can be learned, firstly by dropping our attachment to expectations – of circumstances, ourself and others – then by surrendering creatively to things as they are. It takes willingness persistence and practice.

A lot of satisfaction is available from striving and achieving. Meaningful activities that grow and develop you not only keep you alive and ensure the survival of your issue, but there's a goldmine of gratitude and fulfillment awaiting your efforts. So if there's stress, struggle or effort on the menu today – for God's sake, enjoy it for it's own sake.

How many homes can you live in at a time? How many cars can you drive at a time? How many places can you be at one time? One? Yes, me too. Try and live anywhere and any time other than here/now. Go on, try! You can't do it, can you? 

 

One is enough. Here and now is enough. 

 

So where can you find Happiness guaranteed? Any where or any time else? I don't think so. 

 

What say you?

GROW UP - THIS WON'T WAIT ANY LONGER...

Part of the challenge of this game called Being Human is that it is played out in a push-pull tidal zone between our ego's addiction to predictability and continuity at one extreme, and the reality of constant change at the other.

Some of us get stuck in the mud somewhere in the middle.

Shit happens.

And we are affected by it. So we are given a choice: either automatically recoil and be a victim of the situation, or awarefully respond and be an author of some re-solution. There is always a point of balance in this tug-o-war, and that is where training in increasing flexibility and adapting skills is so important to adult happiness. The faster we can sense shifts in the weather and respond appropriately, the better we will fare.

Childhood is, among other things, the training ground for adulthood. A lot of people get stuck on some trauma and never make it to emotional maturity. I see 50-year-olds reacting to setbacks like toddlers, grizzling, crying and throwing tantra of self-important rage. It seems to me that those who cope better with change are those who, early in life, were given practice, preferably supervised, in dealing with setbacks and change. 

Informed, understanding, aware parenting is of enormous importance in mentoring children to develop coping strategies that are in keeping with each child's individual temperament and developing personality. Setback and crisis rehearsal beget personal resources of the two essential ingredients of happy and fulfilling living – Resilience and Flexibility.

Whether you had a happy or a terrible childhood and the stories you rely on to justify you immaturity are almost irrelevant; you and me and the man over the road -- we all have our own work to do on ourselves, and the sooner we get cracking the better.

LORD, PRESERVE US FROM SAVIOURS.... AMEN

From my early teen years I have continually sought ways to be of assistance and make a difference wherever I've found myself. I don't know exactly why that is -- maybe my Mum's example had something to do with it. It doesn't matter. What matters is that, having made that choice, I decided I'd better be good at it or find another career.

In retrospect my personal triumphs have been OK, but I didn't learn much from them. My “disasters”, however, drew out all that I now like and respect about myself. Crises have collectively taught me the differences between good care and bad care, the distinctions and different techniques between inspiring and empowering. I've learned the value of hard work, facing down fear and overcoming obstacles. The real, raw experience of suffering, showed up what works and what doesn't and, most of all, adversity has led me to transit from ladling out insipid sympathy to sharing robust, comforting empathy. And I've learned that insight into “others” begins with knowing my self, and empowering others begins with first enabling my self. 

 

I know from past experience that when I'm caught in a rip and in danger of drowning, the last lifesaver I need is some nice do-gooder who can't swim. No-one can give away to another anything they don't have. My daughter is now in a vegetative state because she was put at the mercy of an inept medical system -- “qualified” psychiatrists who had crammed enough textbooks to pass exams but had acquired no Knowing whatsoever, and specialists who couldn't find a convenient pigeonhole to cram her into. Recovering from brain damage and mind-shattering depression, she was shuffled off between the Eating Disorders and the Stroke wards! Overwhelmed by her symptoms, no-one thought to enquire as to the possible causes of her disease.

But I digress.....

 

I'm very wary of people who offer to help me. On closer inspection I'll often find them even needier than I. Years of being a “helper” have taught me that, to delve into somebody else's life and tread the very fine line between empowering and depowering them, it helps greatly to first fill my own life with all the necessaries. I'm talking about things like an enquiring mind, wholesome food and drink, regular exercise, shelter, restorative sleep, healthy self-esteem, connection to something bigger, challenge and exploration, growth, the knowing that comes from raw experience and introspection, and a realistic sense of the inherent worth of what I am to other people. When this vessel is full I can then give needlessly, freely and unconditionally from the overflow. 

If helping someone else is going to cost you something you're short of, please -- for everyone's sake, mind your own business. Anything given from a space of Lack and Missing comes either with hooks and strings of obligation attached, or exuding a definite pong of what my friend Les Sobieraj calls “Burning Martyr” and a hefty dose of resentment dissolved within it. The helper and the helped end up in a worse mess, resenting each other.

There's are very good reasons why the services of Lifeline Counselors remain free and anonymous.

Think about it.

COPING WITH CHANGE & THE UNITING STATES OF MANUFACTURED ANXIETY

Our levels of underlying anxiety are very much a function of the level of Risk we're living in at a given moment. We estimate the level of risk to our person by how easily we can quote examples of it. And there's no shortage of scary stories; we're being force-fed a diet of crises and disasters, masquerading as a “news cycle”, all implying increased levels of risk from everything from speeding cameras, corrupt public officials to ISIS Jihadists.

In the current world of managed information, masquerading as “news” feeds, we are bombarded by a steady stream of scary news stories and simplistic slogans designed to scare us into some kind of acquiescence to an agenda we're never told about. It suits mongers of power to saturate social and public media with such a stream of un-usual events that we get the impression that these catastrophes, crises and acts of escalating violence are usual and prevalent, and that we should unquestioningly cringe for cover. People who feel they no longer have a life are easy prey for a Cause.

It goes almost unremarked that News is only “news” because it is UN-usual. Get out and open your eyes. Get a sense of perspective. The world is actually a wonderful place – except only sometimes. OK? Don't let the spinmeisters rule your life. 

 

That having been said, unpredictable disasters, drought, divorce, disabilities and other disappointments do happen, and when experienced personally, do knock the stuffing out of you. You can feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under you, the life is being crushed out of you, and that continuity has evaporated. At such times of sudden, dramatic change, every habit, strategy, ploy, certainty, belief and hope that in the past has always restored you to an even keel, no longer works. At such times it helps me to remember something one of my nieces once said to me – “A diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress rather well.”

When circumstances change, habits and inner regimes have to change. My wife had to leave me after 18 years of marriage before it even occurred to me that “This isn't working any more.” The truth was even then, I first had to work through grief before a “Divine Pissed-off-ness” arose, bringing me to the point where I would ditch everything and start all over again – this time consciously. It's my experience after subsequent years of re-learning, then counseling others that change and transformation are not possible until the student is ready: there's no breakthrough without breakdown. Of course, there are exceptions to that, but not many.

The kind of change I'm speaking of here is not often a mere matter of an adjustment or two here and there. Sometimes you have to empty and demolish the old and begin again from scratch – a new scratch. From caterpillar to butterfly. Jeshua the Christ called it being “born again.” – from the inside out and the ground up.

And it rarely snap-changes overnight. Even after an almighty "got-it", old habits still insist and take time to replace. Even now I notice how my unkind mind, when left to its own devices, is so easily distracted and drawn into thoughts of Lack and Missing, especially around the area of romance and relationships.

So I continue the journey noting what happens like this, and I'm pleased to say it's tougher in the beginning, while your mind is still silently screaming blue murder. It gets easier. After a while, mind calms down, and the ride gradually becomes mostly invigorating and enlightening. Apart from physical wobbles, very little knocks me around any more. In surrender and acceptingness I am ironically internally stronger and happier than I have ever been, with more to look forward to each day. I'm beginning to get all the flavours of the wisdom of “Less is more”. Ironically, while my physical sense of balance is now shot to smithereens, my soul, spirit and mind are better balanced than I can ever remember. It's fun just being alive!

Next!!!......

YOUR LIFE – AN ADVENTURE NOVEL OR A LONG SENTENCE?

There was a coffee mug in a cinema staff room where I once worked (who knows, it might still be there), decorated with an Oscar Statuette. The Oscar was supposedly for “Best Supporting Actor in a Continuing Melodrama.”

And the nominees are....?

It seems to me that we get caught up in melodramas when identify with a character we've created and the dramatic stories to justify it, and then believe our own act. We stop playing with life and start playing AT it. Ham acting-out. In such a vulnerable position, we suffer the consequences of our inauthentic act, and resist the very thing that keeps is alive – change – ebb and flow – come and go. We confuse Peace with Stagnation, deny the challenges of change, and wonder why we're dying miserable.

I have written before about about the only constant in life being Change. And it is apparent to me that species who survive best and longest seem to be those who are flexible and best at adapting to challenge and change.

[Yesterday]

We kid ourselves that we'd like today to be pretty much the same as it was yesterday; some people even insist that everything and every one should be comfortably predictable, and ignore the big, red sign that yells “Wrong Way – Dead End – Go Back”

Tony Delroy pointedly asked on the ABC one night “How do we handle the quickening pace and challenge of change with grace and without becoming a basket case?”

Let's get one Ruthless Rule of Reality out on the table first. Life comes with discomfort and challenge. The Buddha called it “dukkha”. And he noted three types of Dukkha --

1) Suffering or Pain (Dukkha-dukkha). Ordinary suffering, including physical, emotional and mental dis-ease, is one form of dukkha. And you don't get life without it. You knew that before you came: somewhere in the excitement you just forgot.

2) The second form of Dukkha is Impermanence or Change (Viparinama-dukkha). Every thing is impermanent, subject to change. That, too, is dukkha. Thus, happiness is dukkha, because it is not permanent; it comes and goes. Great success, which fades with the passing of time, is dukkha. Even the purest state of bliss experienced in spiritual practice is dukkha. Because it comes and goes. We have it, we lose it, some of us get it again, most of us go looking for cheap alternatives.

This doesn't mean that happiness, success ecstasy and bliss are bad, or that it's wrong to enjoy them. If you feel happy, then enjoy feeling happy. If you're suffering, get into it. Find a way to enjoy it. Just cover your mouth, don't spray your stuff all over the bus. And don't hang on to it. Allow whatever life brings you to flow on through.

Dukkha #3. is Conditioned States (Samkhara-dukkha). To be conditioned is to be dependent on or affected by something else. For centuries Buddhists believed that all phenomena are conditioned. And quantum and meta- physics have now proved Buddha right. Everything affects everything else. There's no separation, and no exemptions. When everything is changing around us, we change with it, or go under. You don't have to like change; it's just a lot easier if you do.

LIFE IS CHANGE: CHANGE IS LIFE

Regardless of how it may seem to you, every sentient being has difficulties. We sail troubled seas. The ones who seem to do it easily have taken the time and trouble to read the winds and tides and set their sails accordingly. Others on the same ocean, get wrecked on the rocks of Denial and Resistance.

So the difference isn't the climate, but how you go along with the plot and handle the conditions. If you've developed sailing skills, you're more likely to welcome a bit of a blow, and feel exhilaration at scudding through the open ocean. If, on the other hand, you suffer over your trials and tribulations, it's your suffering that's the problem, not what you're suffering about. 

 

If you think you didn't sign on for change and challenge, I put it to you that you're kidding yourself. You have inconveniently forgotten that this experience you've got may be exactly what you came for. Whatever – it's what you've got. Why? Well, try this – wherever you were before you showed up here got boring! So you signed on for this virtual (not-real) Adventure Holiday. (If you haven't seen it, get out a copy of Arnie Schwartzenegger's “Total Recall” – you'll get what I mean.)

Minor changes buff and polish us, improving our lustre and sparkle and others see their own reflections better in us. Major shifts invalidate our habits, break open our pretences and delusions and invite us to to new ways of seeing and deeper awareness of reality. Turnabouts trigger turnarounds, exposing qualities we did not know we had. Adversity provokes us to appreciate the gentler, kinder pastel shades of living love. After the grey, cold fallow of winter. sunny spring days warm these old cockles with simple joy.

[Here We Go Again]

Here's a question – do you experience change and challenge as happening TO you or FOR you? Your answer right then was a fine barometer to the state of your Gross Happiness Account.

Why are we so automatically resistant to change? Off the top of my head I'd say, out of habit, firstly because change opens up something Unknown and every mind hates to not-know. Secondly, we tend to fill our lives to the brim with goals, hopes, addictions, tasks, rituals, chores, appointments and trivialities. We leave no room on our schedules for surprises and contingencies. Change seriously threatens to upset a very precariously teetering applecart. 
 

Any bolt out of the blue triggers shock reactions in the switchroom of the brain, firing off instructions to organs and muscles and initiating physical, emotional and psychological reactions and responses as the body deals with the perceived crisis. In a blocked, inflexible person, these reactions will be far more traumatic than for someone more flexible and adaptive. Resistance is pain.

Regardless of our temperament, the unexpected always throws things out of kilter. It's a matter of degree. There was a time in the first 4 decades of my life when something as trivial as misplacing my car keys might lead to me chucking a major wobbly. By way of contrast, 12 years ago I lost my daughter to brain damage, my mother died, I changed my job, moved house from Gippsland to Adelaide, and was diagnosed with depression and chronic anxiety, all in the space of a few bewildering months. I am pleased to observe that I came through that ordeal, certainly scathed but, a better person. So what had I learned in the interim?

[I'm Still Standing]

Don't wait for the sky to fall in. There's a smorgasbörd of available ways and means to cultivate spiritual, emotional and physical calm and equilibrium. Do some research, experiment and pick flavours that suit and work for you.

THE $7 MILLION QUESTION

OK. Ladies and gentlemen....Here it is... the Final Question …. for 7 million dollars …. 

 

Who are you?

You've lived this long. You've had your experiences. You've written your story. Now, for 7 million dollars, who are you?

Usually, when I ask this question, most people go fumbling around for their calling card, or their Facebook ID, or their CV, or passport, or a rough draft of their obituary . No, that's just your ID; that's not who you are. 

 

Who are you when you are no longer any of those things? You still are; but what are you?

I'll give you a hint. If you can see it, think it, feel it, smell it, taste it, hear it, believe it or own it – that isn't it.

Who are you? Stick with it. With each answer that pops into your mind, simply respond "Ye..e..s, thank you. But who am I?"

When you run out of answers, and nothing more comes to mind you'll get an experience of what you are, and that you, indeed, ARE, and always have been, and always will be. 

But what IS that?

When you make that discovery, you may laugh, you may cry; you may do as I did, laugh until you cry. Whatever happens for you, you will be moved, and lightened.

Who are you?

CONNECTION -- LEARNED FROM MY "CROMPA"

We all crave Connection; it is THE universal human need. 

 

As a child, the person I grew up feeling most closely connected to was my mother's father. I loved my "Crompa" Friee. Unlike me, he was a fastidious, gentle man; he wore his second-best suit to tend the front garden, and tipped his hat to every lady who passed by. In a time and family culture when love was tough and dour, my Grandpa somehow went against the tide and let me feel that even as a toddler, for him, what I thought felt, and had to say mattered. He was both firm and kind. He accepted me and I happily nestled comfortably into his world whenever I got the chance. 

 

We cannot possibly settle into anything, or anyone, until there is unconditional Acceptance. It is the prerequisite of Love. When you are loved, you know that you matter. In love we experience an overt connection.

When we feel we do not matter, we settle for Respect, or Approval from those we don't feel loved by.

When we can't get respect or approval, we'll settle for Polite Niceness and Social Agreement, thank you. Manners and Political Correctness run at this level of inauthenticity.

When being “nice” is no longer possible, we'll settle for control though Fear.

When that doesn't work, we descend to Anger and Hate. Well, anything but Indifference!

Acceptance, respect, approval, politeness, phony agreement, manners, fear and manipulation, resentment and hate – all ploys for keeping Connected.

What level are you at? How do you stay connected to those you love? Unconditional Acceptance? Or Fear and Loathing? Or somewhere in between? Which level do you think you deserve? I'll tell you – the one you operate in.

Now here's the spoiler: all the above is unnecessary. We are already connected. There is no separation. Try and dis-connect! Go on, try it! The harder you try, the more futile you'll find it.

Thanks to my "Crompa", I know what to give my grandchildren -- my undivided attention, firm example and Unconditional Acceptance of them as people, no matter what -- by the truckload. And just hope that's a blessing for them.

SECRET DO-WAYS TO HEAVEN (in no particular order: just Pick one and Do it.)

DREAM: There's an old Chinese proverb that says “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a simple step.” Choose where you want to go, and take one step in that direction. That's it. That's all you need to do. One step today, another tomorrow. You know the old riddle:- Q. “How do you eat an elephant?” A. “One bite at a time.”

BE PASSIONATE: When passion is ignited and fueled by Vision and Purpose, it rarely fails.

BE ON PURPOSE: Act with clear Intention. Your vision clears when you look and see with your heart.

BE BRAVE: Fear is the key indicator you're on the right track. Fear produces Courage – the kind that whispers “This is a new day; this is the moment you came for.” 

 

TAKE AIM: Take in the long, wide view – one moment, one hour, one day at a time. Think globally, act locally.

BE A CREATIVE YES-SAYER: Remember the dicta “We become what we come from. We become what we think and feel about. We become what we resist. We become what we embrace.” Say “Yes”. Attitudes are contagious: are yours worth catching? 

 

SIMPLIFY: Complexity is falsity. Distinguish between what's urgent and what's important. Never put things that matter most at the mercy of things that matter least.

LAUGH: It puts things into perspective, and floods sunshine into the darkest of days.

SPREAD KINDNESS: It's the hearts you touch that matter.

SING YOUR SONG: There's a Chinese proverb I like that goes = A bird does not sing because it has the answer: it sings because it has a song. What's your song?

LOVE: Make love your song, for Love is what-is. Love just is – justice.

RENEW YOUR SELF EACH DAY: Live each day as if it is the first day of your life.

BE AWARE: How do you return to the innocence of childhood? Let each moment rob you of your sophistication and ignorance. Let them go; you can't take them with you.....

….and

BE GRATEFUL: Every event, every encounter, every moment is an opportunity to practice the secret to accessing Happiness – Gratitude. An attitude of gratitude raises your altitude.

What ever you put out -- vision, direction, intention, willingness, adaptability. simplicity, laughter, kindness, soul, love and insight -- comes back to you. There's a Ruthless Rule of Reality that, stated in words, sounds something like this: If you spit in the wind, it'll land in your face. It's a extension of the universal physical law that there's no such thing as a straight line. Everything you put out will come back to you, sooner or later. Your words and actions boomerang, and you cannot duck them. 

 

Life is like a pillory: it has this habit of picking your fruits and pelting you with them. Will you welcome your fruits back? What you said and the energy behind what you said this morning to your partner ? Your parents? Your kids? To the arsehole who cut you off in traffic? And come back to you it all will, possibly not from the person you put them out to, but you'll cop it back, and probably when you least think you deserve it.

 

You will reap what you sow – a hundredfold. That, too is L-A-W law.

[This Is It – Adam Faith – 1:49]

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

It was at 3am my daughter was finally declared “brain dead”. But something else was still going on. Life kept going. In that inert being there was nothing, yet something there that I could talk to. Three hours later, an awestruck nurse whispered “She's coming back!” For 3 hours her brain had been AWOL, and signs of life had disappeared, but life went on. She went on.

Who's in charge? Your brain? You think so? Then who is this “you” that thinks your brain is in charge?

What is “brain”? Well, it's an organ we all have that is at our service. But who is this entity that asked “What is brain?” Where did that question come from?

She who lived on without a functioning brain, is obviously not her brain, but she Is. She still is -- brain-damaged, but not dead. Hell, no! I am not my brain either, but I....AM. You are not your brain, but with or without it, you.....ARE.

Then what is it that is in charge? Who is this entity claiming “my” brain?

It's right back at this fundamental level where we first began to de-rail. We looked in a mirror and said “That's me.” We identified with that image, and we've been identifying with reflections, projections, images, thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, and beliefs ever since. But none of those is who we are. These are all things we add AFTER “I am.” These are just things that arise  in awareness.

As soon as we identify with anything, including our brain, we are no longer in charge -- of our eternal selves or anything that has a Use-By date. We become victimised by our attachments. Victimness ceases at the instant Identification ceases. If you want freedom – detach. 

 

When we put Brain in charge, we serve the functions of a blob of mushy grey offal. That remarkable splodge of spongy tissue chemically and electrically interfaces and switches relays for all the activities and processes of your physical body and amorphous mind. But even none of that is what you are(unless you insist, in which case you get to experience some ramifications of making that mistake).

You are not your brain, your stomach, your toenails, your love handles, your hair follicles, your boobs, your penis, or anything else that you obsess about; you are that which is aware of having and using those things, pure awareness. Unless and until you quit authorship and allow those things to start playing you – usurping your definition of Self, you are the Awareness in which it all comes up. And you cannot escape it. Try. Go on, try and be not-aware! 

So, who's in charge? Your toenails? Your pride? Your principles? Your values? Your new BMW? What rules you? What do you value most? What do you fight to hang onto? Your so-called “reputation”? Nahh! Meaningful inside your cage; meaningless everywhere else.

Now where does brain come into the process of escaping the  cage you've locked yourself into? Where is brain in enlightenment or transformation?

This is where it gets really interesting! This is leopard-changing-spots time. Every time you have a “now” experience, uncensored by mind, judgment or analysis, the wiring of your brain changes at various levels. This ability even has a name – neuroplasticity. The shape, patterns, tempo and beat of the neuro-chemical dance all change. A flush, and effervescence and a quickening course through your being. You see, feel, and start to think about things differently.

Any change you make to what you habitually choose to do, feel, think and give attention to changes the processes. You are not doomed to remain fixed and rigid, except by your own choice. You, and you alone, make your choices, and you can therefore change your choices at any time.

You and I right now are influencing our own processes, biochemistry, genetics, psychology and the evolution of our species. Evolution is not a process we can opt out of. I make a difference; you make a difference. When we choose differently we become the difference. The only questions are whether we're aware of it or not, and whether we're doing it by choice or by dereliction. 

But the law itself remains intact – we determine evolution.

And it's pointless bleating for some external God to come down from his throne on high like some celestial Kleen-Teem and rescue us from our own frig-ups. This is post-Old Testament folks! That ain't gonna happen. Read the four gospels again.

A SLUT IN THE SYSTEM

I've spent a lot of my working life in cinema projection rooms. As new bits of technology are added to existing equipment, systems and programmes in the race to keep up with rapidly changing advances in the technology of exhibiting movies, theatre houses constantly develop electrical and electronic bugs . One of my colleagues, a gem of a techo called Scott Christopher, laconically referred to the bugs as “A slut in the system”.

Well, humans have similar problems. Some initial operating systems, opinions, concepts, choices and beliefs become outmoded and unsuitable after a while; some were seriously flawed in the first place, but took a while and changed circumstances for their defects to show up.

We all have sluts in our systems -- thoughts and conclusions that have been entrenched so long in our being that they define how we see things, attach and interpret meanings, and react to what happens. They define and limit us. But it takes a special set of changed circumstances to bring them to light. In the meantime, they bring even our best intentions and most well-meant actions utterly undone.

 

One of my hidden tripwires is “I'm not what they wanted.” Now I put that together unconsciously in response to how I thought my parents felt about me (I'm not what they wanted). And I dragged that seriously flawed assumption into every other primary relationship since. (I'm not what's wanted here.) Only following the arrival of my two youngest grandchildren has it occurred to me that this programme even existed, let alone the realisation that it was, and always has been, a big mistake.

I am what's wanted. Always have been. Still am; maybe even more so.

Put in your “Maybe” file everything you think you're thinking. Don't believe everything you think. And certainly don't believe anything or anyone that's thinking you. Test all your assumptions, again and again and again....

And, if it helps, remember this from Mirabai Starr: The world needs you. It needs your bewilderment and your yearning. It needs your broken-hearted compassion and your outrageous boldness in the face of impossible odds.

Does it need mine? Does it need yours? What do you think..........?

RELATIONSHIP -- 9 THINGS THAT REAL MEN REALLY WANT -or- 9 THINGS YOU WON'T READ IN THE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES

9 THINGS THAT REAL MEN REALLY WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

(My sincere thanks to John Kim for the idea)

Open any magazine in a GP's waiting room and I see article upon article about what women want in relationships and how to get it. But there's rarely a single column-inch for men to express their relationship needs. Well, from this man's mouth, here are 9 things I think that men really want in a relationship. And so desperate are we that we might settle for just one or two of the following....

Top of the list would be – Your magic and your wisdom.

We want to be inspired by your turned-on-ness; motivated to move mountains, and to be told where you'd like them moved to. We're sick of being manipulated and matronised by the women's auxiliary. We want to be empowered by a real woman who owns her unique feminine capacity.

In return, we offer you the only two magic things we men have got – our Integrity and our Surrender. If that sounds like a poor deal, that's the tough part about Woman being a superior being. Physical strength, integrity and surrender are all we mere men have got, but we offer you all of it. We'll get things done; just show us which ones are important to you.

2. We want to feel like your hero.
We don’t want to be your lackey: we want to be your Superman. We want you to see us as leaping tall buildings in a single bound for you, and taking bullets for you and your chicks. We want to carry you in our arms and show you the world. Or at least feel that way. And I know it’s our job to get there, but nothing else in this world gives us more strength than a woman who creates a space that makes us feel invincible.

And only women can do that. The best another bloke can do for a fellow is inflate his male macho ego. God knows, the world has suffered enough from that. And the last thing this world needs is a bunch of women trying to be more like men than men. C'mon, make us feel invincible, we’ll make you feel like you’re the most beautiful creature on this planet. Which you are. Nature has endowed all women with her most stunning beauty and innate intelligence. Why do you ration it, or hide it altogether? Are you keeping something back, just in case Mr. Abolutely-Right shows up? That's incredibly mean.

3. We want your Acceptance
We NEED to feel that when we stack the dishes in the dishwasher like a five year-old, say the wrong thing in front of your friends, leave the toilet seat up, get too logical, when we try to fix things for you instead of just listening to you, when we forget something you’ve said a thousand times.... we want to know that you love us anyway. I heard a great line from a woman recently... “I don't know whether to kiss him or kill him!” Believe me girls, real men get that. It doesn't mean we stop stuffing up, because inside every man is a boy who forgets he’s a man sometimes. And every boy gets into things, not because he’s bad but because he’s got a curious mind, he can't create life – he can only invent things, he explodes with energy because he doesn't know where to put it, and yes, he has a short attention span. And then there's the school bully. Every man on earth has the school bully to contend with, unless he is the school bully. Have some pity, ladies, please.

Unconditional allowing from our woman is what will snap us out of our immature behavior and inject us with a desire to be a man and be the hero. Only when you accept us as we are, who we are, will you discover that someone better lurks inside here. And that man is worth getting to know.

4. Not to be left in the dark
So many women don’t tell their men what they want or how they feel because they don’t want to rock the boat. Or they’re afraid of the man's reaction. Or they think we shouldn't have to be told -- we should know. Well, we don't know. The truth is that women are alien beings to us – fascinating and terrifying at once. When you don’t express yourself, you leave us in the dark, confused and scared. We don’t really know the truth of you; how could we? We come from another planet. When you withhold, you are pre-packaging and presenting parts of your life instead of doing your whole life with us. We're hunters, and anything unknown lurking in shadows scares the tripe out of us. OK?

Couples grow and get stronger overcoming adversity, not by doing life separately, but by synergising their traits. Know that every time you hold things in, you are building walls inside the sacred space of relationship. No, we don’t want you to verbally vomit on us. We get enough of that from rabid feminists and dysfunctional dykes. But believe it or not, we really do want to know who you truly are. 
 
5. We want mind-blowing sex
Men need AT LEAST a fantasy in order to have sex. Women don't. Women can turn themselves on or off at will. Healthy men are turned on by a woman's turned-on-ness.
There’s sex, then there’s mind-blowing sex, the kind of sex that gives you shudders all through your body from tippy-toes upwards, sex that makes your tummy muscles ripple in waves of ecstasy, sex that puts a spring in your step, keeps your eyes forward and intentions straight when you’re out in the world. 
 
Men want to look at women. We’re like meerkats. We get distracted by shiny things and novel movement. But there’s a difference between noticing and wanting. Blinders sex at home gets men to say, “Phwoaarr! She may be hot, but I would never trade in what I have when I get home.” A few months back, Deborah-Lee Furness was on a TV panel of women (I think it was the "Compass" programme); they were discussing infidelity. She was asked how she felt about infidelity. She shook her head slightly, bemused, and said “Have you seen my bloke?” Deborah said it for men and women. She's got the best partner in her world, and she's proud to keep him engaged. Not "hooked" -- present and engaged. And she keeps him interested by being interesting.

Blinding sex isn’t just good sex. It’s a unique connection with someone that makes you fantasise about them in the shower, makes you call in sick so you can lie in bed all day making love and eating chocolate and cheesecake. It produces glue that cannot happen with anyone else. 
 
6. Men want the C-word
Communication. Without it, relationships are built on an exposed plain. Contrary to popular myth, men want you to communicate directly. Honesty is a turn-on. We don't want to have to guess what you mean; we're too prone to get it wrong. We don’t “get” clues. And making us feel guilty for not picking up your signals is never going to improve our stupidity. Men need things spelled out. 

So we either pretend we got it (always a recipe for disappointment – and the last thing we want is to disappoint you), or we risk a mauling by asking you to explain. Look, we understand that when you have to spell it out, it’s not the same. We get that. You don’t just want us to do the dishes: you want us to want to do the dishes. We get it, sort of. But sometimes, like you, doing the dishes is not high on our hotlist. Explain what we're missing. Model how you would like us to communicate back. We're willing to learn! If the bloke you're with isn't willing to learn, you haven't chosen a man. Take responsibility for that and do something about it.

For many of us, male and female, communication is not our specialty. Get some guidance. Your present togetherness depends on it. Generally speaking, men tend to pull from a logical place. Women pull from an emotional and intuitional space. If you can meet us at logic, we will do our best to meet your emotions. Hopefully. But we need you to tell us. 
 
7. Men want your sweat
There’s nothing sexier than working out with your intimate partner. Watching you sweat and work on your body only encourages us to work on ours as well. And we get to smell all those delicious pheromones and woman-y aromas that so turned us on before marketers in the late-1920s sold you on the manufactured “evil” of body odour. Givenchy and Narciso & Rodriguez are fine for the red carpet, but au-naturel, bang-on or over the kitchen table we get the raw and real you, a different type of naked. Now, if we do this together, we’re in the act of building a life style. We’re not just talking. We’re dancing, together. And that’s hot. 
 
8. Men want a soft place to fall.
While combining the characteristics of a freight-train and a speeding bullet in the name of Truth, Justice and a Fair Go for his tribe, even Superman gets hammered . It can be rough out there in the daily planet. He becomes Clark Kent and (occasionally) just wants his Lois to just cuddle him like her baby. Is it too much to ask for him to get that from the woman he loves?

9. Let us have our own lives
We may not say it, because how do you tell the person you love to get a life? But we really want you to have your own life. Really. And we want time alone in our cave, too. We don't want to spend the rest of our days being your social zimmer-frame. And because we'll probably die before you do, we'd like to think that, after we've shuffled off to that cosmic shed in the Wherever, you'll get on with living fully without us. We want you to have your own set of friends, activities, and passions. Of course we want to be supportive of everything you care about and be a part of anything you would like us to be a part of, but we want you to have your own identity. If your guy doesn't want those things for you, you haven't picked even a bloke, let alone the right one.

If you have nothing that is yours, your relationship is trying to walk a fine line hopping on one leg. Also, if you have your own life, it forces us to get our own life as well, or risk losing you. 
 
Forget legs. Let’s put the man/woman relationship on wheels. One is yours. One is mine. And together, let's ride whatever the course throws up to us. 
 
How does that sound to you? Or am I truly on my own here?

A NEW AGE ALREADY?

News Flash!! The Age of Context has just taken over.

That was quick! I have barely had time to take in the Age of Information.

But I'm glad. I've been a keen spruiker of Context for the last 2 decades. In fact, the first two of my Rules for Communication that Works are:

1. Say what is.
2. Put it where it is – in other words, put it in the Context in which you want to be understood.

So here goes....

Context is defined as "the quality of the space containing the circumstances that form the setting for an event, a course of action, a statement, or an idea. Context gives rise to the terms in which  something can be more fully appreciated".

For me, the true value of this definition resides in the final two words: more fully appreciated.

In a world where we are constantly overloaded with information, how does one sift out what's relevant to us, important or urgent, and know why? How do we make sense of the madness of people not keeping their commitments, or suddenly changing course, or acting “out-of-character”? There is certainly a lot going on around us that just doesn't make sense from our point of view, but it must make sense to somebody.  So I find myself wondering "Am I missing something here?"

 

Maybe the information age has already propelled us into another age. In fact, Reid Hoffman recently referred to this current time as The Networked Age. I think this is much closer to what's really going on; we aren't just mining and stockpiling raw data, we're creating opportunities and technologies to share it. But I do not believe that “Networking” paints the entire picture. After all, there are far more people who DON"T share what I read and write than those who do. What processes of selection are going on? Is Context one of them?

I hope that we have now evolved also into an Era of Context, with context itself, or more appropriately, the background and insights that context provides, being the most valuable resource available to us.

Why am I so wedded to the importance of Context?

As I highlighted above, whichever particular context we're in at the time frames our personal perception and understanding of circumstances and events that may be common to many of us. Context sets a more complete picture. But that doesn't mean that my picture  is the same as yours. We look at everything shared from different points of view. 

And things that are so in one context may no longer be so in another. For example, there's a ruthless law that says if I lean out too far off the top of a high building, I will fall, and that may kill me. True -- here on earth, but out in space it's not true. What about the universal law of "An eye for an eye - etc". It makes sense. Isn't that how the universe works? But when mankind gets hold of it, it seems to cause more problems than it solves. There's something else going on that makes a difference. Context.

When the picture is obscured or confused, our collective understanding is warped and responses can be hard to harness. The current Australian government is learning this the hard way, so much so that their Budget measures are in danger of not being legislated. They didn't set up a credible context beforehand: they dropped a bunch of surprises into a context that was no longer relevant, and are now copping chaotic resistance. Ideological reformers and right-fighters have never been good at understanding either the laws or the realities of Context.

Only when information is understood can it be acted upon, as appropriately as the level of understanding allows. Big data, open data, social media, weblogs, tweets and "likes" are all part of a perceptible realisation of how our every move is shaped and powered by Context. Marketers spend their every waking moment figuring how to manipulate Context so that we will buy whatever it is they want us to consume with as little scrutiny and resistance as possible.

In our personal lives, the image that we see in our selfies, the back-story that surrounds that image, and the circumstances in which our selfies are going to see the light of day, can in fact give an aware person some insight into how we can perform more effectively in line with the way we want our various selves to be viewed in the light of what's going on. Almost every waking moment we are answering an unspoken question: "How do I want to be, and be seen by another, in this situation?"

We also need to understand the effect of Context on our behaviour, and consequently on the deeds of others. For instance, we may think we know what our core values are and in what order they rank in importance to us. But that "knowing" is incomplete and misleading until those things have been tested by challenging circumstances. The Law of Duality ensures that whatever positions we take on issues, we also hold the polar opposite positions, but we lie about them and pin them on other people to wear for us -- until -- it becomes expedient for us to switch sides. We flip-flop/backflip continually. Listen to your own self-talk......

For example, I once prided myself that I can be trusted – “Barrie is a loyal bloke; you can rely on him. His word's good.” Unfortunately I was mistaken about that. I hadn't realised that the wringer of living had drawn me into selling out on my core values in certain circumstances with certain people. Part of getting to know myself was getting through the trauma of realising that there are times when I should NOT be trusted, and to know what those circumstances, conditions or contexts are so that, when next faced with them I can warn those close to me that there's seismic activity in the air and the building may wobble. It was a life-changing moment for me when I finally raked up the courage to admit I was not to be trusted to my closest friend, Colin Hayes. His answer -- "Yes, I know that. Anything else?"Oddly, having declared my weak spots, I found that I could trust someone so committed to his own growth (me), and that was enough. Freed of denial, I was suddenly able to act appropriately and responsibly, contrarily and inexplicably, and still be trustworthy, and not have to prove it. It seems to be the unacknowledged and hidden stuff that brings us down, with ourselves and with others.

I think it's fair to say that we, regardless of who we are, want to understand the journey we're on, and how to arrange pieces of the puzzle we've been given, to make a whole that we can live with. And our best chance to achieve this comes through insights driven by context. If we want to understand more, we simply change our context for a while, and see what shows up from standing on other points of view. It always does. Conscious Context creating works.

Let me tell you a story ---

One late afternoon on a crowded commuter train, 3 young kids were running amok, yelling and tussling and barging into other passengers, much to their general annoyance. The father, however, was sitting, head down, apparently neither noticing nor caring about his children's disruptive behaviour. Finally one of the other passengers could stand it no longer. Angrily she said “Sir, your children are creating a nuisance. Will you please control them a bit better!?” The rest of the carriage murmured their agreement.

The father looked up suddenly. His eyes were red-rimmed with tears. “I'm so sorry”, he said quietly. “We've just come from the hospital. Their mother died earlier this afternoon. I guess they just don't know how to handle it. I don't.”

The atmosphere in a the carriage changed instantly – from one of annoyance to one of compassion.

The second scenario (the father's) highlights for you the power of context to drive and shape insight. When the context is changed, behaviour, attitudes and consequences transform. Contexts coalesce into Cultures. Whether that happens by chance or on purpose is up to you. Truly great communicators and leaders are powerful Context Creators and assume responsibility for creating, defining and communicating contexts and cultures. Contexts and cultures, in turn, attract the people and resources required. This mysterious process happens all by itself. Strong, clearly defined, coherent contexts tend to attract strong, committed people. Random, chaotic or poorly defined contexts attract a rabble of also-rans, troublemakers and idiots.

Whichever context we are in at any given moment gives us a frame of reference for what we see, how we see it, what happens next, which in turn determines our attitudes, our behaviour, which in turn modifies and reinforces our frame of reference, and Context. But when something, or someone changes the Context, everything transforms, including our attitudes, responses and behaviour. The circumstances themselves may not alter, but we experience and respond to them differently and our world transforms as a result. That's why I advocate changing your point of view as often as you change your underwear, and for pretty much the same reasons.

The Era of Context I dearly hope we are now entering will be about becoming aware of the existence and power of Contexts to help us sift, sort and make sense of the glut of information, comment, opinion and kerfuffle that now is constantly being churned out. Instead of being overwhelmed by it all and looking for “saviours” like Noah to deliver us from the deluge, we can apply our own developing awareness to work out for ourselves how to navigate the flood of resources and thereby achieve our own objectives.

I think we're learning a skill that has never been called upon before in the cultural history of mankind -- how to handle Abundance.

I offer Context as one way to tackle the challenge. Context driven insight will power our decision making in the years to come. It’s up to you to make sure that you cultivate and take advantage of this available capability. Know and widen the scope and number of your Contexts. Jump from one to another as often as you can. Leap to the other side of your desk or counter. See things from more than one perspective. Open your mind and heart, and think and feel for yourself.

Your freedom, and perhaps even your survival, is at stake.