From
my early teen years I have continually sought ways to be of
assistance and make a difference wherever I've found myself. I don't know exactly why that is -- maybe my Mum's example had something to do with it. It doesn't matter. What matters is that, having made that choice, I decided I'd better be good at it or find another career.
In retrospect my
personal triumphs have been OK, but I didn't learn much from them. My
“disasters”, however, drew out all that I now like and
respect about myself. Crises have collectively taught me the
differences between good care and bad care, the distinctions and
different techniques between inspiring and empowering. I've learned the value of hard work, facing down fear and overcoming obstacles. The real, raw
experience of suffering, showed up what works and what doesn't and, most of
all, adversity has led me to transit from ladling out insipid
sympathy to sharing robust, comforting empathy. And I've learned that
insight into “others” begins with knowing my self, and empowering
others begins with first enabling my self.
I
know from past experience that when I'm caught in a rip and in danger
of drowning, the last lifesaver I need is some nice do-gooder who
can't swim. No-one can give away to another anything they don't have.
My daughter is now in a vegetative state because she was put at the mercy of
an inept medical system -- “qualified” psychiatrists who had crammed enough textbooks to pass exams but had acquired no Knowing whatsoever, and specialists who couldn't find a convenient pigeonhole to cram her into. Recovering from brain damage and mind-shattering depression, she was shuffled off between the Eating Disorders and the Stroke wards! Overwhelmed by her symptoms, no-one thought to enquire as to the possible causes of her disease.
But I digress.....
I'm
very wary of people who offer to help me. On closer inspection I'll
often find them even needier than I. Years of being a “helper”
have taught me that, to delve into somebody else's life and tread the
very fine line between empowering and depowering them, it helps
greatly to first fill my own life with all the necessaries. I'm talking about things like an enquiring mind,
wholesome food and drink, regular exercise, shelter, restorative
sleep, healthy self-esteem, connection to something bigger, challenge and
exploration, growth, the knowing that comes from raw experience and introspection, and a realistic
sense of the inherent worth of what I am to other people. When this vessel is full I can then give
needlessly, freely and unconditionally from the overflow.
If
helping someone else is going to cost you something you're short of,
please -- for everyone's sake, mind your own business. Anything given from a space of Lack
and Missing comes either with hooks and strings of obligation
attached, or exuding a definite pong of what my friend Les Sobieraj
calls “Burning Martyr” and a hefty dose of resentment dissolved
within it. The helper and the helped end up in a worse mess,
resenting each other.
There's
are very good reasons why the services of Lifeline Counselors remain
free and anonymous.
Think
about it.
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