HABITS OF PEOPLE I PREFER TO BE AROUND

HABITS OF PEOPLE I PREFER TO BE AROUND

Most of us can call to mind blunt, impolite, and even rude people who are somehow extremely successful. But not many.

I think we're all more likely to build the majority of our professional and personal relationships and do business with people with people we actually like. We're more naturally drawn to individuals who fall into two main groupings – those who are authentically polite, modest, agreeable, and/or kind; and those who pretend to be.

The reality is that most of us fall into the latter category, where the definition of a “friend” is “someone who'll go along with my pretences as long as I go along with theirs”. Niceties like Political Correctness were invented and are clung onto by this mob. But relationships between and with “pretenders” are less likely to be dynamic than relationships with people who are genuine. I'm certainly more open and drawn to people who leave me in no doubt, in given circumstances, as to where I stand in their esteem. I know where I stand with such people at such times, and can be appropriate to that if needs be.

People who fall into the Authentic category tend to suss out inauthenticity in people, and associate with it only if its unavoidable in the moment, or necessary to get something done. And they rarely get blind-sided by inauthenticity because they've seen it on the moral horizon. They know the meaning of Integrity, and how powerless are those who don't.

Authentic people can, and often will play the pretending game with inauthentic people just to get them out of the way, but they know what they're doing and why they're doing it. An inauthentic person doesn't realise when he/she is being conned; that's why they get suckered – again and again. The easiest person in the world to con is a conniver.

Inauthentic people are never short of bedfellows who'll give them agreement. Since they belong to the largest club in the world, they're often feeling lonely but rarely alone. By definition, authentic people commonly risk having to stand alone. Theirs is indeed the road less traveled. Authentic people are like prime numbers.

It's also true that authentic people quickly recognise one another. But by and large they don't spend a lot of time hanging out, and what time they do share is not spent doling out social strokes: they have things of consequence to do, situations to improve, and goals to accomplish. There's a mutual respect going on that is miles away from the communal suck-holing of the auxiliary.

The bottom line (if you'll pardon my expression) is that we're drawn to people we feel affinity with.

I know a bunch of authentic people, and here's how I see them doing it:

1. They willingly show a little vulnerability. 

One-upmanship is not part of their game – ever. Charming people look for ways and means where instead of creating winners and no losers, everyone involved benefits in ways that have value to them. They don't try to win any unstated competitions with people they meet. They resist the tribal urges to play Topdog/Underdog. They eschew pecking orders. In fact, they actively try to lose in the sense that they willingly take "risk" as the normal price of growth.

They risk themselves. They're supporting, not gulling. They're open to be impressed, but they're not impressionable. They're even willing to admit a weakness or a failure. They know that the space thus created is an open invitation for someone who can complement their weak spots with the skills they don't have. In interpersonal relationships in any sphere, they come from a ground being, not of equality, but of Evenness.

It's really easy. Say you meet a would-be Donald Trump and he says, "I just closed a fabulous deal to build the world's best golf course on the most amazing ocean-front property on the planet." Don't try to win. Instead say, "That's awesome. I'm jealous. I've wanted to build a small recreation facility for years, but can't line up the financing. How did you pull off such a huge deal?"

Charming people are confident enough to be unafraid to show a little vulnerability. They know that while some people may be, at least temporarily, impressed by the superficial, anyone who matters sincerely recognises and appreciates a genuine “how did you do that?” interest.

The other side of a genuine person is that they know how to be appropriate with a person who is showing vulnerability. They don't get uncomfortable or embarrassed, nor do they look for a chance to take advantage. They meet evenly with and supportively connect with the other person in that space.

They show they're genuinely glad to meet you. 
They don't “gush”. They meet you evenly. Their body language betrays genuine respect. In our Euro-Australian culture, genuine people establish eye contact, and return to it frequently during the intercourse. I make the cultural “Euro-Asian” concession, however, because in other cultures, including Australian aboriginal social interchanges, steady eye contact can be interpreted as disrespectful, and perhaps confrontational, and maybe even hostile. But a genuinely respectful person will already have sussed that out, either by research or by simply observing local behaviour. And out of respect that person will always be appropriate to the mores of the other.

In most cultures, however, customs are amazingly similar, betraying our common prehistoric origins. Genuinely empathetic people smile when you smile. They frown when you frown. They nod their head when you nod. While you're making a point, they give gentle physical and verbal cues that they're attending to you. In simple, non-verbal ways, they support your behaviour -- not in craven politeness, but because they're focused on what you're saying. They are genuinely with you in the moment, and somehow you know it. You have their full attention. Sometimes people say of them “While with her I felt I was the only person in the room”. What a stark difference from people who, while talking with you, let their gaze wander around the room. You remember that experience, don't you? And you remember how you felt when someone did that to you. Inauthentic people don't support you; at best, they mimic you. And they make noises of sympathy, rather than find a space for empathy.

The feedback loop that you get from a genuine person helps the two of you bond -- and the ability to bond is the essence of being human and, by the way, genuinely charming.

3. They search for creative engagement instead of agreement or contradiction. 

Unfortunately for social growth, friendship has been defined by most as the bond that exists between like-minded people in which each will be be agreeable with each other, even if that means being inauthentic. And one of those unspoken agreements is that each will tacitly go along with the inauthenticities of the other. 

I say “unfortunately” because relationships without some muscle and sinew in the intellectual and emotional give and take grow flabby, pale and stale. They lead to a laziness that winds up in one form or another of – “You're either with me or against me”. 

My point is that agreement purely for its own sake may make for short meetings, but not for trust, growth or progress. Social “niceness” is corrosive because it's based on a lie – the lie that “I know you're being phony with me, and I know that I'm being phony with you, but I'll pretend that's not so, as long as you do the same for me.” Sooner or later one party to that pretence feels the other has broken the deal, and all hell breaks loose. How could it not, when the so-called “friendship” is based on disloyalty to truth and a betrayal of deep, open connection.

Going contrary (feral) goes hand-in-glove with giving agreement; it is the opposite side of the same social coin. Purely out of cultural habit, born of the dual nature of the human mind, opposition is such an easy habit to fall into, so easy indeed that it becomes the default strategy for dealing with anything that doesn't neatly fit our expectations. And our surrounding social structures reinforce and give licence to the habit. Our Court systems and parliamentary legislative systems are adversarial. The system is based on the assumption that the strongest argument, the most certain position will win the day and will produce the best outcomes for all concerned. I question that assumption. Seriously. It has led to laws being made by those with the loudest voices, the most political power, and the greatest resources to bend the necessary people to their will. It's the law of Topdog and Underdogs. Someone wins, and everybody else loses. Yet we go along with it because, thanks to the duality of the mind, we think that's how it's supposed to be. 

It's ridiculously easy to automatically look for points of disagreement rather than agreement. It's far too easy to automatically take a different side. Because we do it all the time. And it never occurs to us that maybe there's a better way. In such a mindset, the best we hope for is Compromise, and we congratulate each other if it appears to be “workable”.

And it's easy to end up in what feels like an argument, but is actually much more than that – we wind up in a state of perpetual struggle and war with each other and our selves. Because we settle for workable compromises, tacit compliance and the attendant hidden resentment, calmness and equanimity evade us, and we never really work out why. We just know that we're chronically discontented, anxious, on edge and dissatisfied.

Charming people don't actively (or unknowingly) look to either agree or disagree, nor are they satisfied with compromise; they look for possibilities for discovery and progress in an atmosphere of eager co-operation. Creative people find the consensus-point of where we are now, then when it's appropriate, they gently lead everyone to view the situation or the idea from a different position -- and in that way, to insinuate a new way of seeing into the overall picture and help create an outstanding conversation about new possibilities. Creative people step deliberately into a situation and enlarge it, creating space and easing constricting tensions.

4. They (selectively) use the power of touch.

Non-sexual touch can be incredibly powerful. (I'm aware that sexual touch can be powerful too, thanks, but until both participants are ready for it and okay with it, the effect may counter-productive!)

Touch can influence behaviour, increase the chances of co-operation, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly, and can even help you make an enduring alliance.

Touch is a language that transcends verbal linguistic boundaries. For example, in one experiment the participants tried to convey twelve different emotions by touching another blindfolded participant on the forearm. The rate of accuracy for perceiving emotions like fear, anger, gratitude, sympathy, love, and disgust ranged from 43 percent to 83 percent -- without a word being spoken.

Say you're congratulating someone; shaking hands or (possibly better yet, depending on the situation) sensitively and reassuringly touching them gently on the shoulder or upper arm can help reinforce the sincerity of your words. The urge to express reassurance through touch, however, must be genuine and without embarrassment. It may sound ridiculous to warn that half-embarrassed punching or slapping will not achieve the intimacy you seek, but I've watched too many possibly great moments spoiled by such self-conscious constricting around the power of personal tactile entente.

5. They often dine out on their own foibles. 

And they're also not afraid to look a little silly. Ice skating in a koala outfit may be a little extreme, but charming people don't mind occasionally being in a situation where they aren't at their best.

And oddly enough, people tend to respect them more for that -- not less.

People who can't let go like that are seen as "aloof", “cold” and “uncaring”. That may be quite mistaken, but the mistake is understandable.

When you genuinely own your foibles, people don't laugh at you. They laugh with you. And they realise it's OK to let down their own guards and meet you at a genuine level.

6. They're masters of social Jiu-Jitsu.

Some people have a knack for getting you to talk openly about yourself. They ask open-ended questions. Without an underlying ploy to gain advantage, they sincerely want to know what you think, and that encourages you open up to a surprising degree. While in the presence of such a person, you feel like the most interesting man (or woman) in the world.

And you like them for letting you feel that way.

As soon as you learn something about someone, ask why they do it. Or how. Or what they like about it, or what they've learned from it. Charming people ask sincere questions that make it easy to answer in a thoughtful, introspective way. They make you think, in a good way, about yourself, and in the process make you feel interesting to be with too.

7. They always pass the "server test." 

You know how you go out to eat with someone and they're nice to you... yet dismissive of, or rude, or condescending to the waitress? That's the server test.

Charming people treat everyone the same way: as worthy and deserving of respect and kindness.

8. They're great with names. 

Memorable people remember names and even small details, often to a surprising degree. One of the greatest exponents of this was former WA Premier, Brian Burke. I watched him one night at a charity fundraising function at the Perth Italian Club. He dragged himself out of hospital to do a “Thankyou” circuit of the room. With over a thousand people in attendance, I don't think he missed anyone. The fact that Brian remembered every person's name instantly and without prompting made everyone feel pretty special. When you remember a person's name, and use it respectfully, that person instantly feels a little better about him/herself -- that means that, even in a small way, they matter.

It's automatically reciprocal. No-one ever forgets that you remembered them; that makes them feel better about the person who remembers them.

Yet even though charming people remember names...

9. They never name drop.

Genuine people may know cool people... but they don't talk about it. They don't need to. They're happy to be wherever they are on your Esteem Scale on their own merits, not thanks to someone really famous they may have once met. And that only adds to their charm.

10. They always let you talk more. 

And that makes you feel important.

Because you are. 

MEDITATIONS FOR BEGINNERS

MEDITATIONS FOR BEGINNERS ---

CHOOSE YOUR FLAVOUR

Beginning a meditation practice can be both exciting and intimidating. If you asked 10 random meditaters what style of meditation they practice, you would probably get 10 different answers. With such a variety of techniques and flavours available, it's common to feel overwhelmed and uncertain as to where or how to get started.

In a way, I was lucky because I'd been meditating all of my conscious life – I just didn't realise it. When my parents introduced me to the practice, they called it “praying”, and it took the forms of saying grace before meals, bedtime prayers kneeling beside the bed, and bowing my head while prayers were said in Sunday School and church. And such formula praying dwelt mainly on things like giving thanks and asking for blessings (whatever they might be) upon food, Mummy and Daddy, brother and sister, “the poor” (whoever they were), and asking God (whoever he was) to help me be a good boy, which meant mainly doing what I was told the instant I was told to do it. As I grew older I really needed help in dealing with feelings, emotions, desires and compulsions that I just couldn't understand, began feeling acutely the powerlessness of being me, and at the same time I got interested in girls. So my prayers began to earnestly ask for help in getting noticed and liked by whomever my passions currently blew hot for and, since the answer I usually got from God was a silent nothing, I had no idea of who else or how else to ask for help, and as far as I could tell God, if he heard me at all, was indifferent. It would be quite some time before I got the hang of real meditation, which has very little to do with asking for what you haven't got, and much more to do with finding out what you actually are. You, fortunately, need not wait so long.

Let's get started …........

Perhaps the best place to begin this is to consider, firstly, why do you want to meditate? What is your need right now? What do you hope to get from the practice? Once you become more precisely aware of what you want, it will probably become a little clearer which form of meditation you'd like to try first.

I first began meditating as a conscious exercise almost by accident at drama school, when I was picked by Hermes Martini, a student in the Stage Management Course, to take part in a piece of improvised theatre about Yoga. As part of my research I bought randomly a few books on the subject and read up and practised a few different techniques. I found some of them physically very difficult and, frankly painful, but one or two others to be very helpful in getting fairly quickly into a state of quietness and relaxation. Because I was working overnights from 10pm to 6am 10 days per fortnight to help keep a roof over our head and food on the table, and NIDA went at least 5 days per week from 9am to 5pm – often-times a lot longer – the relaxation techniques I learned made up for lack of sleep and probably saved my life and sanity. Maybe God had been listening after all.

Meditation is a word that has come to be used loosely and inaccurately in the modern world. That is why there is so much confusion about how to practice it. Some people use the word “meditate” when they mean thinking or contemplating; others use it to refer to daydreaming or fantasising. However, meditation (dhyana) is not any of these.

Meditation is primarily concerned with quieting the mind.  We all have a degree of suffering as a result of not achieving our various desires. These include the obvious physical necessities of food and clothing as well as such enjoyable things as a good reputation, a feeling of belonging and making a difference, the sound of pleasant and reassuring words and the comforting touch of a loved one. Some forms of suffering, such as the hunger of an extremely impoverished person, are more obvious than others. But in one way or another, we all hunger uncontrollably for things we feel we do not possess and think are not available to us. Thus when we talk about the true purpose of meditation we are sometimes talking about getting comfort, contentment, or something else we don't have; sometimes we're seeking relief from perturbation, and sometimes about getting insight and wisdom (enlightenment), an attainment that enables us to fulfill not only our own aims but also those of all others.

Meditation is a precise technique for resting the mind and attaining a state of conscious awareness that is totally different from our hitherto normal waking state. It is the means for fathoming all the levels of ourselves and finally experiencing the centre of consciousness within. Meditation is not a religion; it is a science, which means that the process of meditation follows particular orders, has definite principles, and produces results that can be verified.

From childhood onward, we have been educated only to examine and verify things in the external world. But no one has taught us how to look within, to find within, and to verify within. Therefore, while trying to get to know others. we remain strangers to ourselves. This lack of self-understanding is one of the main reasons our relationships don’t seem to work, and why confusion and disappointment so often prevail in our life.

Very little of the mind is cultivated by our formal educational system. The part of the mind that dreams and sleeps—the vast realm of the unconscious which is the reservoir of all our experiences—remains unexplored, undiscovered, and unknown; it is not subject to any discipline.

It is true that mind inhabits the whole body, but not the whole of the mind is in the body – not by a long shot. Except for the practice of meditation, there is no method to truly develop influence over the totality of either body or mind. And we certainly never get to know anything of ourselves beyond what we've slapped together in ego and now call our “personality”. It's comes as a shock to the system when, through meditation, we discover that our personality is not what we are at all.

So, if you're still wedded to the idea that you are your personality, your career, your body shape, your values, principles and beliefs, I respectfully suggest that meditation is not for you – not yet anyway. If, however, you've discovered that none of the above are working for you, and that everything you've based on what you think you are is going down the toilet, please read on. I may have something for you......

The goal of meditation is to go beyond the mind and experience the hidden subtleties of our essential nature—which is described as peace, happiness, and bliss. Without meditation we certainly have almost no chance of ever experiencing pure, unadorned, uncritical awareness, which is as close as we can get to what we really are, and in which what we are not, and everything else, arises and falls away again.

But as anyone who has tried to meditate knows, the mind itself is the biggest obstacle standing between ourselves and this awareness. The mind is undisciplined and unruly, and it resists any attempts to discipline it or to guide it on a particular path. The mind has a mind of its own and, make no mistake about this, will generate enough dissatisfaction and dis-ease to kill your spirit and maybe even your body rather than give up being right about itself. That is why many people sit for meditation and experience only fantasies, daydreams, or hallucinations. They never attain the stillness that distinguishes getting free of the mind and engaging with the genuine experience of living at a deeper level.

We are taught how to move and behave in the outer world, but we are never taught how to be calm and examine what's going on, and what is within ourselves. We have to learn to simply be with what we are. How crazy is that? You'd think it would be so easy just to be what we are! But the fact is that realtively few people ever get to experience that. But when we learn to do this through meditation, we attain the highest of all joys that can ever be experienced by a human being – simple awareness. All the other joys (and sufferings) in the world are momentary, but the awareness in meditation is immense and everlasting. It is the only permanent reality. This is not an exaggeration; it is a truth supported by the long line of sages, both those who renounced the world and attained truth, and those who continue living in the world yet, at the core of their being, remain unruffled by it.

Meditation is a practical means for calming yourself, for letting go of your biases, your filters and your blind spots and seeing what is, openly and clearly. It is a way of training the mind so that you do not get distracted and caught up in, and identify with its endless churning of separating thoughts, ideas, concepts, beliefs and opinions. Meditation teaches you to systematically explore your inner dimensions. It is a system of wilful commitment, not commandment. It is intentional, not incidental or accidental. You are committing to yourself, to your path, and to the goal of knowing all through knowing yourself. Learning to be calm and still should not become a mystical ceremony or religious ritual; it is a universal practical requirement of the human body and mind, and as such deserves to be part of your daily habits.

It is critical to understand is that while the primary GOAL of any meditation may be a state free of mental disturbance, the best METHOD to get there is NOT by trying to think of nothing. I tried that; it does not and will never work – “Hallelujah! I'm free of thought” is a thought!

I’ve lost count of the number of people who tell me that they can’t meditate because they can’t stop thinking during meditation. I tell them that it is perfectly normal to have thoughts during meditation, and that it is an indication that they are alive and human which is, after all, the whole point of living, isn't it?

Worrying about thinking while you're meditating is just ANOTHER thing to worry pointlessly about. Tragically, some people give up trying to meditate because of this misleading idea that they have to stop thinking. You cannot do it. Try it now. Go on, that thought you're thinking right now – yes, that one --- stop it. Go on, stop it. And that thought – stop that, too!

We cannot stop a thought arising. Thoughts just pop out of – nowhere. Pop! Another one. Pop! Even when we're asleep --- pop! Trying to stop thoughts is like wading into the surf and trying to quell the waves with your bare hands.

In meditation it becomes important to shift your perspective from the thoughts themselves to simply witnessing or noticing the thoughts (or feelings or events) that are arising in the space of your awareness. In meditation we learn to identify with our core of self awareness (the Atman), rather than with our thoughts. It's a simple matter of shifting the focus point of our attention. If you do this successfully, something very interesting might happen.

The goal of meditation is not to disappear the mind. You cannot live for more than a few minutes without your mind. Our problems have arisen because we've allowed Mind – the office messenger to run the whole company while we've gone out on the world's longest lunchbreak. The goal of meditation, as I understand it, is to find out what I am, to transcend the mind, busting it back to the mailroom, and taking back the reins of CEO, and once again experience directly the Oneness of What I Am with the Universe – something beyond thought, or thinking or imagining, and certainly beyond words.

We have experienced that before, you know, but we were too young at the time to remember it now, so getting enlightened is the greatest homecoming of all time to The Source so that we can consciously experience it for the first time.

In general, people begin to take up a meditation practice because they suspect that there is more to life than what they're experiencing at the moment. True?

The best way to begin is to familiarise yourself with some of the different types of meditation to see what resonates with you. Here are a few of the more common styles that are great for beginners.

Breath-Awareness Meditation

Meditation is very simple. It is simply attending – being present and available in the moment. There would hardly be a person on the planet still breathing for whom this is not possible. Even while deep in a coma, my daughter was present and available. Since you're not in a coma, you can begin by simply noticing your breath, entering and leaving, and then if a thought comes, notice it, be open to it—then just let it pass on through. Then you can come back to the breath. Your normal (habitual) response is to react to your thoughts, all 50,000 + of them every day. You notice particular ones and chase after them, jumping on board and wrestling them. This keeps you ever busy in a sea of confusion and leads to dis-ease and exhaustion. Meditation teaches you to attend to what is taking place within, without reacting, without getting involved in any way, and this makes all the difference. It brings you freedom from being towed around by the mind and its meanderings and convulsions. And in this freedom you begin to experience who you are, distinct from your mental turmoil. You are not your turmoil (or your happiness for that matter). There is all that stuff, and there is you, simply and uncritically aware of it all. Stuff is no loner”my” stuff; it is just stuff. And you are merely the uninvolved watcher. You experience inner joy and contentment, you experience relief and inner relaxation, and you find a respite from the tumult of your life. You have given yourself an inner vacation.

This inner vacation, however, is not a retreat from the world. It is rather a new way of being totally alive in it without succumbing to it on its rules. This new way of “being with” is the foundation for finding inner peace. You must also learn to apply the principle of attending in your worldly activities, so that you can apply yourself in the world more effectively. Through practicing meditation you can learn to be spaciously open to what comes before you in your daily life and give it your full, clear-eyed attention without breaking stride.

Ordinarily, we react externally to the experiences that come before us in much the same way that we react internally to the thoughts we entertain. If someone says something negative to you, you become angry or depressed. If you lose something, you become off-centred and emotionally upset. Your mood depends on what comes before you, and, as a result, your life is like a roller coaster ride, utterly at the mercy at the twists and turns of fate. You react before you give yourself a chance to fully experience what you are reacting to. You immediately interpret what you see or hear according to your programmed expectations, fears, prejudices, or resistances. You do not see anything clearly as it simply is; your interpretations jump in first, not giving you a chance to see the clear reality of it. You short-circuit the experience, and thus limit yourself to one or two conditioned reactions instead of responding to a situation openly and creatively.

But if you apply the principle of meditation to experiences that come before you, you can fully attend to what is taking place. You can attend to your initial reaction without reacting to your reaction: “Oh, look how threatened I feel by that.” Let yourself be open to experiencing your reaction and it will move through you and allow other spontaneous responses to also come forward, so that you can select the one that is most helpful in that particular situation. And once you get used to it, this self-examination can happen quite quickly.

At the outset, Breath-awareness meditation is a simple practice of finding a comfortable seat, closing your eyes, and placing your attention in the inhalation and exhalation of your breath. Breath awareness is an effective way to establish greater mind-body connection and to reduce stress. This type of meditation can be your preferred meditation practice each day and it is also highly useful during moments of tension in the workplace and at home. It can last anywhere from several hours to two or three seconds. And you don't have to go to some temple to do it – you can do it wherever you are, whenever you are. And its a fantastic way to gently snap you back to the here and now.

Guided Meditation

Guided meditations have become increasingly popular since the '80's. A guided meditation is led by someone else, either in person or via a recording, that will usually (although, not always) have a theme and relaxing music playing in the background. Guided meditations are generally conducted in quiet areas away from noisy distractions, and last anywhere from 10 to 45 minutes, depending on the purpose or theme, and they come in all styles—including healing, manifesting, and going within to find your essential self and purpose. Because guided meditations are led by another person, this style of meditation is great for beginners and those who may struggle with sitting still or lying down for more than just a few minutes at a time. They are also beneficial if you would like to enhance your existing practice or focus your energy and attention on a specific outcome. 

See if there are any guided meditations being offered in your community where you can go to meditate with like-minded individuals. Many yoga studios, community centres and wellness clinics offer guided meditation classes, which can be a great way to ease into your meditation practice. Alternatively, you can purchase guided meditation recordings at health food stores, wellness clinics and online.

Visualisation Meditation

Visualisation meditation is a powerful way to use the mind to influence the body and can also be an empowering way to underpin and fuel the processes of physical, mental and spiritual healing, and manifesting desired outcomes in your life. Deepak Chopra teaches that what we place our attention on grows stronger and what we take our attention away from will begin to diminish. The unconscious mind is extremely powerful and it works very well with imagery – a lot more effectively and powerfully than with logic and reason. We can all listen to lectures and read books about creating a new reality for ourselves, but the chances of igniting a bonfire therefrom are minimal. In the hands of a skilled facilitator of visualising meditation, however, the chances of sparks being created are almost 100 percent because it is the participant who brings his/her own raw personal experiences to the moment, and who does the work. Meditation is spiritual DIY.

One common visualisation practice is centred around health. By visualising your body-mind as being healthy, vibrant, and energised—or grounded, peaceful, and calm—you can begin to elicit these things both mentally, emotionally and physically. Another approach is using visual imagery for creative purposes. By constructing an image in your mind of what your life might look like after having accomplished a goal and really seeing yourself having already achieved it is a way to begin living in ways that support the manifestation of your desired outcome. Visualisation puts you in a frame of being that is conducive to bringing forth what you desire. A side benefit is that you get to discover a lot about yourself that you never realised before.

To meditate using visual imagery, practice the following:

1. Identify your desired outcome. For example, do you wish to feel more grounded and at peace in your mind and emotions? Or would you like to envision your physical body as being healthy, vibrant, and strong? Or are you longing to create art, write poetry, be in a new relationship, or travel abroad?
2. Create internal representations of what this looks, sounds, and feels like. Make each one as real and as compelling as possible. Don't be afraid to add to or modify your visions. When I first started this kind of work I was exhorted to create one vision and stick to it. I found this to be a big mistake, perhaps because my vision is always bound to be limited, creating limiting expectations of what “should” be. Well, if that isn't ego, what is? I've found that the Creator doesn't like “oughts” or “shoulds”. Colin & Gail introduced me to a rider to add to each visualisation – “this or something better”. I felt the relaxation instantly, and the moment I relax and let go something, the flow of possibility surges immediately. What we're trying to do here is not to create the whole building in every detail and set it in concrete, but to launch a dynamic seedling that will, of itself, grow with the rest of a universe that supports, nurtures and sustains it.
3. Enter into a meditative state by relaxing and taking some deep breaths and then bring the image into your awareness. Associate yourself into the picture by stepping inside it and feeling it as if it is already happening. Imagine what it feels like “from the inside”. Allow your vision to grow with you as you bring it to realisation.
4. When it's time to come out of meditation, simply allow the image to fade off into the distance and relinquish any attachment to outcome. I have found this step to be absolutely crucial. Colin said more than once “You cannot truly have anything that you're not prepared to NOT have.” He understood better than anyone I knew until then the limiting, strangling effect of attachment. Attachment presupposes separation – the very opposite of the purpose of meditating. What we are seeking is integral to us, and our ability to manifest it is utterly dependent upon our one-ness with that which we're bringing forth. Perhaps a few moments specifically meditating the difference between “attachment” and “One-ness” may help you here. There are no right or wrong answers: just take what you get, when you get it. Take a deep breath, breathe it in and allow every “got-it” to infuse through you.
5. Meditate in this fashion anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes each day.

Japa or Mantra-Based Meditation

Japa meditation is a mantra-based meditation path that is one of the oldest, most revered classical techniques known today. The word “mantra” translates to “mind vehicle” or “mind instrument”. Japa meditation has the practitioner repeating a word or phrase for the duration of the meditation, with the mantra being the focal point throughout. One such mantra is that centred on the sound -- “om”.

During the practice, whenever you drift away from the mantra to other thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations, you simply guide your attention back to the mantra. Think of it as a dance back and forth between mantra and thought. Some mantras have a specific meaning or a particular resonance when it's vocalised, and it’s said that by repeating the mantra, you are connecting to the energetic essence of its intention. Other mantras purposely have no meaning and are designed to help access deeper levels of silence. In this approach, eventually the mantra and thoughts will cancel one another out. When this happens, you fall into silence as your conscious awareness transcends the busyness of the mind and reaches higher vibrational- frequency levels of consciousness.

Popular styles of mantra-based meditation can be easily learned in person or online.

Loving-Kindness or Metta Meditation

Metta meditation, also known as Loving-Kindness meditation, is designed to cultivate four qualities of love: friendliness (Metta), compassion (Karuna), appreciative joy (Mudita), and equanimity (Upekkha). The quality of Metta, or friendliness, is expressed as a genuine compassion sent out with the intention of surrounding ourselves and others with loving kindness, often imagined in the form of a coloured aura. With all that is going on in the world today, Metta meditation is a worthwhile practice for each of us to spend some time in each day. This style of meditation also works well as an entrance point for the practice of forgiveness and can be a powerful tool for lessening the charge of negative emotions we have toward those who have wronged us.

Another variation will have you think silently to yourself, “May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be truly happy.” You would then bring someone else into your mind (someone you love and/or someone who you are feeling challenged by) and say silently, "May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be truly happy.” You may then bring all of humanity into your awareness and send the same intention out to the collective—to all sentient beings, “May we be filled with loving kindness. May we be well. May we be peaceful and at ease. May we be truly happy.”

Once you have done this meditation a few times and you remember the process, you can begin to do the meditation on your own without listening to the audio file. Choose whatever language you prefer to use and practice this meditation for a period of time to see how it resonates with you.

So, from here onward......

Once you’ve tried a few different types of meditation, you will have a better idea of what resonates with you and what doesn't. The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong meditation; there are many paths that all lead to the same destination, and the beauty of life is that we get to choose our own path.

Keep it simple at the beginning and just feel out some different techniques. When you find one that you enjoy, the next step is to set aside 15 to 20 minutes each day to cultivate your meditation practice. From there, tend to your practice each day until it becomes a new habit and you will experience life-changing benefits.

And they won't always be ones that you expect. But observe – you will see their perfection – in time.

GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE

GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE

THAT EMPOWER THE RECEIVER

AND DON'T COST YOU ANYTHING.

Think about people you truly respect. Think about people you truly admire. Think about people you love to be around. How many of them are filthy rich? How many of them are highly accomplished? How many of them are household names across the country? Yet you love to be around them--and you would love to be more like them. Why? If it isn't primarily their financial wealth, dazzling achievements or fame that draws you to them, what do they have in common that, for you at least, sets them apart from everyone else?

Let me guess – in your experience they're givers, not takers. They give of themselves, generously, selflessly, and without needing something in return. The expectation of spending time with them does not prompt you to hide your silverware, close your computer, lock up your daughters or put on your “best face”. Your past experiences with them have left you feeling better about yourself and somehow of more value. Rather than draining your energy and creating a sense of “you owe me”, the presence of these people adds something of intangible but real value to your life. You're glad and grateful that you know them.

People you respect give because their happiness--and their success--comes from your happiness and your success.

Here's what they give:

1. The Gift of Acknowledgement; The Gift of Encouragement. Even relatively poor performers, do something well, something that comes from the heart. For that, each person deserves specific recognition, support, endorsement and appreciation. It's easy for most of us to recognise great employees; after all, they do great things. (Of course it's very possible that consistent and appropriate acknowledgement is one of the reasons they're doing great.) But the people who make the most favourable impacts on me are those few who have noticed qualities in me and merits in what I've done and the way I do it that no-one else has picked up on, or that even I hadn't been aware of myself. I get a really warm realisation that this person has really been paying attention and found genuine merit in what I have on offer. I'd walk barefoot over stony ground for that kind of recognition. So would you. So few people do it that it's a rare experience.

Relatively few of us bother to find genuine reasons to praise the person who simply meets standards. But those who do, know that a few words of recognition--especially when that recognition is publicly given--could just be the nudge that inspires an average performer to work at growing into a great performer.

Remarkably, giving people can often see promise and excellence in another person before that person sees it in him/herself. That recognition may just provide a spark that motivates him/her to reach into their full potential.

2. They give the Gift of Receiving, or Requesting Help. When you ask for help several things happen. You implicitly show you respect the person whose insights and assistance you're seeking. You show that you respect that person's experience, skill, intuition and/or wisdom. And you show you trust that other person, since by asking for help you make yourself vulnerable. But then generous people know that true strength lies inside the one place most people won't venture --- vulnerability. Yes, strength, might and vulnerability work in ways opposite to what's accepted as “common knowledge” It's why the lives of tyrants have always ended badly – but bullies never seem to learn.

While it's relatively easy to ask for general help, it's harder to ask for help when the assistance wanted is personal. Both parties have to risk vulnerability.

Remarkably generous people frequently ask for help, in part because they're aware that they don't know everything, and partly because they realise the person who provides that help receives a lot in return in terms of self-respect, self-esteem, self-worth and feeling they now have a stake in someone and something worth the while. When you generously ask for assistance, you offer others the opportunity to receive one of the greatest gifts of all: knowing that, at least for a moment today, they made a difference in your life. Let others make a difference in your life, then watch the blessings begin to flow.

3. They give the Gift of Patience. For some people, we're willing to give our all. Why? Because we know they care about us, they believe in us, we believe in them, and we don't want to let them down. Patience says “no” to contraction. Patient forbearance opens space. Showing patience is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly care about them. Showing patience and expressing genuine confidence and trust in another's ability to work through own challenges is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly believe in them.

Showing patience is a remarkable gift—because by putting someone else's agenda a little ahead of your own, ultimately, it shows how much you care. It shows once again that you're prepared to make space in your life for that person to achieve success.

4. They give the Gift of Privacy. To a greater or lesser degree, everyone shares. Sharing forms an essential part of a healthy emotional, psychological, social, spiritual and even intellectual life. With the explosion of social media, most people “share”, “like” and “tweet”. For better and for worse, lives have increasingly become open books. Gradually, we've come to feel we have a right to know more about others than we ever did. But our right to intrude, particularly in the lives and affairs of public figures, is balanced by their rights to privacy. And there are times when my “right to know” is akin to having the “right of way” on a public road – it may exist in theory, it may even exist in legislation, but if the other person doesn't give me the right of way, I don't get it. There's a prang.

Well, often we don't have a right to pry---simple as that. Often, in order for the social areas of our lives to function healthily, we and others also have a balancing right to privacy. It comes down again to Respect: self respect in claiming personal space, and respect for others in giving it. Often the best gift we can give another is the gift of privacy, of not asking, not prying; not intruding--yet being available if and when another person does want or need to share their private stuff with you.

Giving people not only respect another person's privacy, they help them guard it--because they realise it's not always necessary to know every detail about another in order to give care to him/her. Paradoxically, genuinely generous people are very good at minding their own business. I treat people who pry without permission with the utmost suspicion. And sometimes a lecture on Boundaries.

5. They give the Gift of Opportunity. Every task, every job, every challenge has the potential to lead to greater things. Every person has the potential, both professionally and personally, to accomplish greater things. We can always do better today than we did yesterday. Always. We humans invented concepts like “next” and “before”, “tomorrow” and “yesterday” so that we can measure how we're progressing with our current opportunities.

Remarkably giving bosses take the time to develop employees, not just for the job they're currently doing, but also for the job they someday hope to land, even if that job is with another company. Remarkably giving people take the time to help another person to find what they want to achieve in life, and give them provocation and practice in seizing opportunities by throwing challenges in their way.

When I worked at Lifeline, I found myself honoured to be in the company of many people who were cultivating their ability to feel with another person's pain and help them work through that pain. A few, a special few, have the ability to sense another person's dreams and help them work towards those dreams--and to help open doors that might otherwise have remained closed. The whole thrust of Lifeline's counselling process is to lead each caller to a space where they can see a desirable opportunity that is within their immediate reach.

6. They give the Gift of Sincerity. By “sincerity”, I mean a state of being that is free of any duplicity, pretence or deceit. An action that is free of dissimulation, overt or covert, is called “sincere”.
The opposite of Sincerity is Lip Service. Lip service is easy to pay; anyone can do it, and all of us do at one time or another. Acquired professionalism often masks lip-servers. But the fact that they get paid for doing it makes no difference whatsoever to the hollowness of their masking. 
Much more rare are the people who can be highly professional yet also openly human. These are the people who are actually talented at their chosen profession. (Being professional or being an amateur is no indicator of whether or not anyone is actually suited for what they're doing.) Giving people are willing to show, and sometimes unable to hide, sincere excitement when things go well. They're willing to show sincere appreciation for hard work and extra effort. They're willing to show sincere disappointment in themselves when they fail those who look to them. Then they openly celebrate what went right, and what everybody learned. They openly feel with their fellow man. They openly worry. In short, they're palpably human. Remarkably giving people combine a brisk blend professionalism with a healthy dose of humanity--and more importantly allowing other people to do the same makes them irresistible go-to people.
6. They give the Gift of Tough Love. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Some of us really want to be better than we are, and are prepared to do something about that. But we all fall into unhealthy habits, fall into patterns of unmindful thinking, feeling and doing that contract upon vitality, we develop blind spots, and that's why we all need constructive feedback and provocation from outside.

We all need advice, guidance, and sometimes a swift kick in the pants or a good slap awake. It's just too easy to make one-off comments. It's relatively easy to provide watery, politically corrected feedback during structured periodic evaluations, but they are rarely transformative in any way. It's a lot tougher, to sit someone down and say in firm kindness, "I know you're capable of a lot more, and here's how. It's your choice, but if you're up for the challenge, I'll follow through with you until you get it."

Think about a time when a remarkably giving person told you what you least wanted to hear and yet most needed to hear in that moment. Think about a time when a remarkable person challenged you to require more of yourself. You've never forgotten what they said, nor the way that they said it, have you? It changed your life. Don't you think it's time you paid that forward? Or are you happy to let an investment someone once made in you die for lack of nurturing.

The gauntlet I throw down to you is to go change someone's life, starting with your own. Teach your inner critic how to do his/her work kindly, firmly and with empathy for the thoughts, attitudes and experiences that led you to the learning experiences you're now facing. First be your own parent, your own mentor. When you prove you can empower yourself, then be available to sharing what you've learned – when you're asked.

8. They give the Gift of Respect (here's that word again!) The 80/20 Principle means that some employees aren't outstanding. Some are far from it. Maybe they aren't as smart. Maybe they don't work as hard. Maybe they aren't as skilled. Maybe they make bigger mistakes. (Some employees ultimately deserve to be let go.)

Still, regardless of their level of performance, all employees deserve to be treated with respect. Sarcasm, eye rolling, and biting comments all chip away at at least two person's self-respect – theirs and yours. Yes, yours. You had no idea about that? Yes, well empowered and empowering people are acutely aware of it. And now you know. And in case you didn't recognise it, that was a potentially empowering kick in the bum – from me.

Remarkably giving people allow others to maintain a sense of dignity even in the worst of circumstances. They're only able to do that because they have first developed a keen sense of self-respect. They know that nobody has ever been able to give away what they don't have. To give Respect, you must firstly have it. Without deep self-respect, your displays of respect to others are shallow and phoney sycophancy.

I have had to fire people (and it's never easy), but I've never, ever had to demean or humiliate them while I'm doing it, and I sincerely hope I haven't.

9. They give the Gift of Freedom. For managers and supervisors there are often guidelines and rules of best practice and procedures to be adhered to, so most leaders implement and enforce the processes that have been designed to foster efficiency and productivity and, consequently, satisfaction.

But that's not enough. For employees, engagement and satisfaction are largely based on autonomy and independence. You care the most when it's "yours", you feel you have moral and emotional ownership of the quality of effort you put in and the results you generate. You care the most when you feel you have the responsibility, flexibility, the blessing and authority to do the best you can.

Remarkably giving people create strong, well-delineated standards and guidelines but then go further and give employees the resources, autonomy and independence to work the way they work best within those guidelines. They allow employees to turn "I have to" into "I want to," which transforms what was just work into an act of creation; what was just a job into something much more meaningful: an outward expression of each person's unique creativity, skills, talents, and experiences. Any workplace thus endowed by any one of its participants becomes a place that everyone in the group looks forward to getting involved in each day.

Yesterday, I went in to have my hearing aids cleaned at a shop in the Adelaide CBD. When I got there the shop was closed “For Lunch”. When I returned later, for the second time in a few months, I still couldn't get service because the lady who does that work was away sick – again. I know her; she's a lovely, healthy lady and very good at what she does, but her boss can best be described as a manipulative, smart-arsed bitch. I'm not surprised that her staff take “sickies”.

10. They give the Gift of Purpose, Commitment and Follow-Through. Fulfillment is often found in becoming a part of something bigger than yourself. People with a pulse love to feel that special sense of teamwork and togetherness and dynamism that turns a task into a quest, with a group of individuals who under the guidance of a skilled coach, coalesce into a real team that is more than just the sum of its parts; a comm-unity that can achieve more than any one person can accomplish on his or her own

A few people (though obviously not as many as there ought to be) can write meaningful Culture and Mission statements. But far fewer still can create a mission that makes a real impact. Even tougher is finding someone who can show other people how what they do affects their customers, their business, their community ...and themselves.

Remarkably giving people give the gift of caring--and the gift of knowing why to care.

You, too, can be a benefactor. You don't have to be Bill Gates to make a real difference in this world. You have deep within you each and every one of these gifts. You don't have to manufacture them – they're within you – trust me on this. Find the faintest whispers of them, and start giving them to yourself. Then when you feel confident enough, practice sharing them with others quietly, in small ways at first. You will notice an immediate lift in your feeling of wellbeing. And let the process of becoming a Giver swell within you.

And the beauty of it is – giving of your self won't cost you a cent.