MANIPULATORS – 8 WAYS TO GET YOUR POWER BACK

MANIPULATORS – 8 WAYS TO GET YOUR POWER BACK

Manipulation occurs when one person is used for the benefit of another. The behaviour is all about exercising power, exerting influence by coercion or compulsion. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her own agenda. The manipulator's agendas are rarely declared, and in some cases are cleverly disguised as charity (“I'm doing this for your own good”) or need (“I'm the victim here”).

In every case of manipulation there is a symptomatic imbalance of personal power. In a given situation one party in the relationship has more power than the other – over the other. This observation applies in any relationship, whether it be husband/wife, siblings, extended family, adult/child, work or career, amateur or professional politics, teacher/student, bully/victim..... the element of Power Imbalance is at the core.

It's also relevant to note that this imbalance of power is ingrained in our social behaviour, leading to social, psychological and economic consequences. You can look almost anywhere on the evolutionary tree and see evidence of power-plays, overt displays and challenges to sort out those “better-than” and those”less than”, struggles for dominance, and rituals to reinforce supremacy. You can observe for yourself the changes in body language and behaviour once it's decided who is dominant and who is submissive.

It is a game, and one that humans are quite capable of playing consciously. For example, watch keepers and scientists with great apes, how they overtly assume submissive body language and temper in order to get close to their subjects without getting ripped apart.

I also watch it between humans. Day after day I meet people on the streets who seem to walk around with a permanent neon sign over their heads that flashes something like “Victim here. Feel free to have a go.” I used to be one of them.

Before we go too much further into this I also want to share my Topdog/Underdog Theory. I have noticed that every person is quite capable (and mostly well practiced) in assuming an Underdog stance with his “betters”, then spinning 180 degrees at the speed of thought to Topdog with someone lower on that person's pecking order. Jesus the Christ even told a story about it in the parable of the Debtor.

Furthermore, when such individuals who are unaware of their own duality in this regard get together, a Pack Mentality takes over, and to shore up their shaky assumptions of superiority, they focus on a sub-group of lesser beings whom they will pick on in order to feel better about themselves. I get my jollies this way by watching “Judge Judy”, who is a bully who's become obscenely rich using her education and wealth to lord it over willing victims. On a more global scale, there is no shortage of church patriarchs, labour union bosses and political leaders who will use the same dynamics to avoid scrutiny of their own activities and control their subjects by diverting attention and opprobrium onto refugees, independents, Greens, Jews, Muslims, terrorists, multi-national companies, bosses – “all your problems are down to those bad bastards, and you need to me save you from them.” And human duality ensures absolutely that, within each “designated untouchable” group, the same Topdog/Underdog split will occur. It seems to never end, and it won't, without conscious intervention, by you and me saying “No more! Not in my house!” to those who promote it.

A victim will always find someone to bully them, and overlords never go short of serfs. Each is symbiotically attracted to the other.

Manipulators may use one or more of several means to keep the power pendulum swinging their way – physical force, psychological coercion, financial deprivation, and social isolation are just some of the most popular.

The central issue is Abuse. Let's call it for what it is. Enough is already out there in terms of how to assist both the victims and the perpetrators of Manipulators. What I'm offering in this article is a series of general steps you can take and things you can do for yourself and/or pass on to others in order to reclaim your personal power and keep your self intact.

Know your fundamental human rights

The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a manipulative person is to know your rights, recognise when they’re being violated, and call the perpetrator on his/her intrusion. I have a dictum that I still live by, and it is this – My rights end where yours begin”. You will do well to remember that the corollary is also true – another person's rights end where yours begin. It's an issue of boundaries, and any relationship of Manipulator/Manipulated is one of at least two people who either don't know or don't care where the boundaries are. If you want to stop being manipulated, first find out where your boundaries really are (hint: anywhere somebody is walking all over you or your ideas or feelings is outside your real boundary), then start putting out clear warning signs, and be prepared to bite if the warnings are ignored.

Within reasonable bounds, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you do forfeit your rights. When anyone ignores my warning shots more than once, I introduce the violator to the Law of Consequences. This, by the way, has little to do with notions of “crime” and “punishment”; it's more basic than that – e.g. if you put your hand on a hot stove, you will get burned.

Following are some of our fundamental human rights.

• You have the right to be treated with respect.
• You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants. Notice I said your right is to express, not to dump your stuff on someone else.
• You have the right to set your own priorities, and have them treated with respect.
• You have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty
• You have the right to get what you pay for.
• You have the right to have opinions, beliefs and attitudes different than others.
• You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
• You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.

With each Right comes an equal Responsibility to unconditionally put out what you want to get back. The key word in that last sentence, by the way, is “unconditionally”; if your giving out is in any way conditional, you are manipulating. As I said before, if you manipulate others, you do forfeit your rights.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries. Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights. Psychological manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the manipulator, who’s in charge of your life. The sooner you learn how to do that without disempowering your self by coming from a “victim” place, the better it will be both for you and the the poor bastard who's come to the conclusion that the only way to get some juice out of life is to cheat it or smash it.

Keep your distance

One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us do a degree of this type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type of behaviour from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them. No-one else has to change for you to be contented and productive. If the playground you're in is controlled by topdogs, learn your lessons, and look around for another playground that better suits your level of growth.

Avoid Taking Things Personally and Judging Yourself Harshly.

Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, and such people are usually very good at it, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights to the Controller. Consider your relationship with the manipulator, and ask yourself the following questions:

• What is it about this that is upsetting me?
• What have I learned from my experience with this person so far?
• Am I being treated with genuine respect, or is this person either pretending for show, or using “niceness' to get something out of me?
• Is there an element in this that “I need” to do a certain thing, or stop doing a certain thing, or be a certain way in order for someone else to be happy?
• Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
• Who is making the bulk of the decisions right at this moment?
• Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
• Who has the bulk of the power at this moment?
• Who makes the major decisions?
• Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
• What am I most afraid might happen if I leave this relationship?
• What am I most afraid might happen if I stay?
• What would I like to happen next? What kind of person do I want to be next?
• What's something I can do to bring that about?

Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the “problem” in the relationship is primarily with you or the other person.

Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions

Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognise the inequity of their scheme. For example:

• Does this seem reasonable to you?
• Does what you want from me sound fair?
• Do I have a say in this?
• Are you asking me or telling me?
• So, what do I get out of this?
• Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?

When you ask such questions, you’re putting up a mirror so the manipulator can at least take a second look and, if you leave your question hang in silence, perhaps see the true nature of his or her ploy, and that you've seen it. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.

If not, truly pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation.

Use Time to Your Advantage

In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an answer from you right away, to maximise their pressure and control over you in the situation. (Sales people call this «closing the deal.») During these moments, instead of responding to the manipulator’s request right away, consider leveraging time to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying: “Let me think about it.”

Consider how powerful these five words are from a customer to a salesperson, or from a romantic prospect to an eager pursuer, or from you to a manipulator. “Let me think about it.” Suddenly the weight has shifted from the other end of the see-saw to the middle. Suddenly the manipulator has lost the initiative. You've detached yourself, at least for a time, from his/her direct control and inserted your independence. The first time I tried this, the boss said sarcastically “how long will thinking about it take?” Feeling uncharacteristically empowered I replied softly and matter-of-factly, “It will take as long as it takes for me to fully consider your offer.” He snapped petulantly “You're being a smartarse!” I sighed “Yes, you could be right. I'll get back to you” and left the room.

Had he pressed the matter, I'd have said (as I have in odd similar situations since), “Well, if you insist on an immediate answer, it will be “No”. But if, after thinking about it, I change my mind, I'll let you know.” Then … do not speak another word. As supersalesman Tom Hopkins said to me once “There come moments when it's time to shut up. The next person to speak loses that hand.”

Don't be in any hurry to “think about it.” Take the time you need to centre yourself, then calmly evaluate the pros and cons of a situation, and consider whether you want to negotiate a more equitable arrangement, or if you’re better off by saying “no”, which leads us to our next point:

Know How To Say "No” ― Diplomatically And Firmly

To be able to say “No” diplomatically and firmly, you first have to reach a quiet, centred space within where you can give a gentle but unequivocal “Yes” to your “no”. Give yourself permission and the absolute authority to say “No”. If you were brought up, as I was, to believe that saying “No” was punishable by a long stint in hell, you may have to be very patient with yourself. It's new skill, and one you must now acquire as part of maturing. That's why claiming time to “think about it” is so essential.

Your next task is to practice the art of communicating, cleanly and directly – saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. It might help to remind yourself that any relationship where one or more parties have to give ground on any of their rights in deference to another – such a relationship is never going to be workable. Never. Just because things go quiet for a while, you may kid yourself that “Whew! Everything's all right again!” You're not the first, and you won't be the last to fall into that delusion. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “No” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life.

Set consequences

Bullies and manipulators get away with what they're doing because no-one ever calls them to account for their actions. They manipulate because they're allowed to.They sink deeper and deeper in the false beliefs that either consequences do not apply to them, or that they can manipulate the consequences of their actions.

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t back off when challenged, deploy Consequence.

The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills you can use to “stand down” a difficult person. Effectively articulated, Consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to caution, from caution to recognition of a power he/she cannot comprehend, from that realisation to respect.

The consequences you conjure could be the removal of something that is currency for the bully. One of the most effective is to simply ignore them and encourage others to do so, too. Another, for the more experienced players, is to withhold your fear. Most bullies thrive on fear, since they themselves are usually among the most fearful people on the planet. If you can refuse to be afraid in the presence of a bully, you remove their power over you. Utterly.

There are other currencies. Get to know your bully. find out what it is they have to have from you, and just don't give it to them any more.

Confront Bullies, Safely

A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person. The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker. They never “pick on someone their own size”, at least not without a bunch of henchmen for backup and intimidation. So as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. But most bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will begin to back down. Bullies are also lazy. They only picjk on the easy prey. This is true in schoolyards, in politics, in business, as well as in domestic and office environments. Bullies only exist because they can.-- because too many people let them. If everybody tomorrow morning stopped enabling bullies, manipulation, domination and control would gradually drain from the planet.

On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behaviour, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light.

It is not your job, however, to “cure” a bully. The best favour you can do for someone in this horrible situation (and it is horrible to live in a manipulator’s skin) is stop feeding him/her. Work on yourself. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to step into their playground. Don't fight with them – that's what victims do. You fight with a bully – you're a goner. You may win the fight, but the bully has won you.

Say “No”, mean “No”, and refuse to engage.

As well as getting your power back, you'll pass on to them the most important lesson they will ever learn – if you need others for energy, for influence, for validation, you're fucked.

Find the bully underdog in you (yes, there is one), and very quietly declare a New Truth “I detach myself from you. You have no power over me any more. Once you needed me for energy. I now claim my power back from you. I no longer give you my permission. And if I don't give it to you, you don't have it....... So be it”