GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE

GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE

THAT EMPOWER THE RECEIVER

AND DON'T COST YOU ANYTHING.

Think about people you truly respect. Think about people you truly admire. Think about people you love to be around. How many of them are filthy rich? How many of them are highly accomplished? How many of them are household names across the country? Yet you love to be around them--and you would love to be more like them. Why? If it isn't primarily their financial wealth, dazzling achievements or fame that draws you to them, what do they have in common that, for you at least, sets them apart from everyone else?

Let me guess – in your experience they're givers, not takers. They give of themselves, generously, selflessly, and without needing something in return. The expectation of spending time with them does not prompt you to hide your silverware, close your computer, lock up your daughters or put on your “best face”. Your past experiences with them have left you feeling better about yourself and somehow of more value. Rather than draining your energy and creating a sense of “you owe me”, the presence of these people adds something of intangible but real value to your life. You're glad and grateful that you know them.

People you respect give because their happiness--and their success--comes from your happiness and your success.

Here's what they give:

1. The Gift of Acknowledgement; The Gift of Encouragement. Even relatively poor performers, do something well, something that comes from the heart. For that, each person deserves specific recognition, support, endorsement and appreciation. It's easy for most of us to recognise great employees; after all, they do great things. (Of course it's very possible that consistent and appropriate acknowledgement is one of the reasons they're doing great.) But the people who make the most favourable impacts on me are those few who have noticed qualities in me and merits in what I've done and the way I do it that no-one else has picked up on, or that even I hadn't been aware of myself. I get a really warm realisation that this person has really been paying attention and found genuine merit in what I have on offer. I'd walk barefoot over stony ground for that kind of recognition. So would you. So few people do it that it's a rare experience.

Relatively few of us bother to find genuine reasons to praise the person who simply meets standards. But those who do, know that a few words of recognition--especially when that recognition is publicly given--could just be the nudge that inspires an average performer to work at growing into a great performer.

Remarkably, giving people can often see promise and excellence in another person before that person sees it in him/herself. That recognition may just provide a spark that motivates him/her to reach into their full potential.

2. They give the Gift of Receiving, or Requesting Help. When you ask for help several things happen. You implicitly show you respect the person whose insights and assistance you're seeking. You show that you respect that person's experience, skill, intuition and/or wisdom. And you show you trust that other person, since by asking for help you make yourself vulnerable. But then generous people know that true strength lies inside the one place most people won't venture --- vulnerability. Yes, strength, might and vulnerability work in ways opposite to what's accepted as “common knowledge” It's why the lives of tyrants have always ended badly – but bullies never seem to learn.

While it's relatively easy to ask for general help, it's harder to ask for help when the assistance wanted is personal. Both parties have to risk vulnerability.

Remarkably generous people frequently ask for help, in part because they're aware that they don't know everything, and partly because they realise the person who provides that help receives a lot in return in terms of self-respect, self-esteem, self-worth and feeling they now have a stake in someone and something worth the while. When you generously ask for assistance, you offer others the opportunity to receive one of the greatest gifts of all: knowing that, at least for a moment today, they made a difference in your life. Let others make a difference in your life, then watch the blessings begin to flow.

3. They give the Gift of Patience. For some people, we're willing to give our all. Why? Because we know they care about us, they believe in us, we believe in them, and we don't want to let them down. Patience says “no” to contraction. Patient forbearance opens space. Showing patience is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly care about them. Showing patience and expressing genuine confidence and trust in another's ability to work through own challenges is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly believe in them.

Showing patience is a remarkable gift—because by putting someone else's agenda a little ahead of your own, ultimately, it shows how much you care. It shows once again that you're prepared to make space in your life for that person to achieve success.

4. They give the Gift of Privacy. To a greater or lesser degree, everyone shares. Sharing forms an essential part of a healthy emotional, psychological, social, spiritual and even intellectual life. With the explosion of social media, most people “share”, “like” and “tweet”. For better and for worse, lives have increasingly become open books. Gradually, we've come to feel we have a right to know more about others than we ever did. But our right to intrude, particularly in the lives and affairs of public figures, is balanced by their rights to privacy. And there are times when my “right to know” is akin to having the “right of way” on a public road – it may exist in theory, it may even exist in legislation, but if the other person doesn't give me the right of way, I don't get it. There's a prang.

Well, often we don't have a right to pry---simple as that. Often, in order for the social areas of our lives to function healthily, we and others also have a balancing right to privacy. It comes down again to Respect: self respect in claiming personal space, and respect for others in giving it. Often the best gift we can give another is the gift of privacy, of not asking, not prying; not intruding--yet being available if and when another person does want or need to share their private stuff with you.

Giving people not only respect another person's privacy, they help them guard it--because they realise it's not always necessary to know every detail about another in order to give care to him/her. Paradoxically, genuinely generous people are very good at minding their own business. I treat people who pry without permission with the utmost suspicion. And sometimes a lecture on Boundaries.

5. They give the Gift of Opportunity. Every task, every job, every challenge has the potential to lead to greater things. Every person has the potential, both professionally and personally, to accomplish greater things. We can always do better today than we did yesterday. Always. We humans invented concepts like “next” and “before”, “tomorrow” and “yesterday” so that we can measure how we're progressing with our current opportunities.

Remarkably giving bosses take the time to develop employees, not just for the job they're currently doing, but also for the job they someday hope to land, even if that job is with another company. Remarkably giving people take the time to help another person to find what they want to achieve in life, and give them provocation and practice in seizing opportunities by throwing challenges in their way.

When I worked at Lifeline, I found myself honoured to be in the company of many people who were cultivating their ability to feel with another person's pain and help them work through that pain. A few, a special few, have the ability to sense another person's dreams and help them work towards those dreams--and to help open doors that might otherwise have remained closed. The whole thrust of Lifeline's counselling process is to lead each caller to a space where they can see a desirable opportunity that is within their immediate reach.

6. They give the Gift of Sincerity. By “sincerity”, I mean a state of being that is free of any duplicity, pretence or deceit. An action that is free of dissimulation, overt or covert, is called “sincere”.
The opposite of Sincerity is Lip Service. Lip service is easy to pay; anyone can do it, and all of us do at one time or another. Acquired professionalism often masks lip-servers. But the fact that they get paid for doing it makes no difference whatsoever to the hollowness of their masking. 
Much more rare are the people who can be highly professional yet also openly human. These are the people who are actually talented at their chosen profession. (Being professional or being an amateur is no indicator of whether or not anyone is actually suited for what they're doing.) Giving people are willing to show, and sometimes unable to hide, sincere excitement when things go well. They're willing to show sincere appreciation for hard work and extra effort. They're willing to show sincere disappointment in themselves when they fail those who look to them. Then they openly celebrate what went right, and what everybody learned. They openly feel with their fellow man. They openly worry. In short, they're palpably human. Remarkably giving people combine a brisk blend professionalism with a healthy dose of humanity--and more importantly allowing other people to do the same makes them irresistible go-to people.
6. They give the Gift of Tough Love. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Some of us really want to be better than we are, and are prepared to do something about that. But we all fall into unhealthy habits, fall into patterns of unmindful thinking, feeling and doing that contract upon vitality, we develop blind spots, and that's why we all need constructive feedback and provocation from outside.

We all need advice, guidance, and sometimes a swift kick in the pants or a good slap awake. It's just too easy to make one-off comments. It's relatively easy to provide watery, politically corrected feedback during structured periodic evaluations, but they are rarely transformative in any way. It's a lot tougher, to sit someone down and say in firm kindness, "I know you're capable of a lot more, and here's how. It's your choice, but if you're up for the challenge, I'll follow through with you until you get it."

Think about a time when a remarkably giving person told you what you least wanted to hear and yet most needed to hear in that moment. Think about a time when a remarkable person challenged you to require more of yourself. You've never forgotten what they said, nor the way that they said it, have you? It changed your life. Don't you think it's time you paid that forward? Or are you happy to let an investment someone once made in you die for lack of nurturing.

The gauntlet I throw down to you is to go change someone's life, starting with your own. Teach your inner critic how to do his/her work kindly, firmly and with empathy for the thoughts, attitudes and experiences that led you to the learning experiences you're now facing. First be your own parent, your own mentor. When you prove you can empower yourself, then be available to sharing what you've learned – when you're asked.

8. They give the Gift of Respect (here's that word again!) The 80/20 Principle means that some employees aren't outstanding. Some are far from it. Maybe they aren't as smart. Maybe they don't work as hard. Maybe they aren't as skilled. Maybe they make bigger mistakes. (Some employees ultimately deserve to be let go.)

Still, regardless of their level of performance, all employees deserve to be treated with respect. Sarcasm, eye rolling, and biting comments all chip away at at least two person's self-respect – theirs and yours. Yes, yours. You had no idea about that? Yes, well empowered and empowering people are acutely aware of it. And now you know. And in case you didn't recognise it, that was a potentially empowering kick in the bum – from me.

Remarkably giving people allow others to maintain a sense of dignity even in the worst of circumstances. They're only able to do that because they have first developed a keen sense of self-respect. They know that nobody has ever been able to give away what they don't have. To give Respect, you must firstly have it. Without deep self-respect, your displays of respect to others are shallow and phoney sycophancy.

I have had to fire people (and it's never easy), but I've never, ever had to demean or humiliate them while I'm doing it, and I sincerely hope I haven't.

9. They give the Gift of Freedom. For managers and supervisors there are often guidelines and rules of best practice and procedures to be adhered to, so most leaders implement and enforce the processes that have been designed to foster efficiency and productivity and, consequently, satisfaction.

But that's not enough. For employees, engagement and satisfaction are largely based on autonomy and independence. You care the most when it's "yours", you feel you have moral and emotional ownership of the quality of effort you put in and the results you generate. You care the most when you feel you have the responsibility, flexibility, the blessing and authority to do the best you can.

Remarkably giving people create strong, well-delineated standards and guidelines but then go further and give employees the resources, autonomy and independence to work the way they work best within those guidelines. They allow employees to turn "I have to" into "I want to," which transforms what was just work into an act of creation; what was just a job into something much more meaningful: an outward expression of each person's unique creativity, skills, talents, and experiences. Any workplace thus endowed by any one of its participants becomes a place that everyone in the group looks forward to getting involved in each day.

Yesterday, I went in to have my hearing aids cleaned at a shop in the Adelaide CBD. When I got there the shop was closed “For Lunch”. When I returned later, for the second time in a few months, I still couldn't get service because the lady who does that work was away sick – again. I know her; she's a lovely, healthy lady and very good at what she does, but her boss can best be described as a manipulative, smart-arsed bitch. I'm not surprised that her staff take “sickies”.

10. They give the Gift of Purpose, Commitment and Follow-Through. Fulfillment is often found in becoming a part of something bigger than yourself. People with a pulse love to feel that special sense of teamwork and togetherness and dynamism that turns a task into a quest, with a group of individuals who under the guidance of a skilled coach, coalesce into a real team that is more than just the sum of its parts; a comm-unity that can achieve more than any one person can accomplish on his or her own

A few people (though obviously not as many as there ought to be) can write meaningful Culture and Mission statements. But far fewer still can create a mission that makes a real impact. Even tougher is finding someone who can show other people how what they do affects their customers, their business, their community ...and themselves.

Remarkably giving people give the gift of caring--and the gift of knowing why to care.

You, too, can be a benefactor. You don't have to be Bill Gates to make a real difference in this world. You have deep within you each and every one of these gifts. You don't have to manufacture them – they're within you – trust me on this. Find the faintest whispers of them, and start giving them to yourself. Then when you feel confident enough, practice sharing them with others quietly, in small ways at first. You will notice an immediate lift in your feeling of wellbeing. And let the process of becoming a Giver swell within you.

And the beauty of it is – giving of your self won't cost you a cent.