HABITS OF PEOPLE I PREFER TO BE AROUND

HABITS OF PEOPLE I PREFER TO BE AROUND

Most of us can call to mind blunt, impolite, and even rude people who are somehow extremely successful. But not many.

I think we're all more likely to build the majority of our professional and personal relationships and do business with people with people we actually like. We're more naturally drawn to individuals who fall into two main groupings – those who are authentically polite, modest, agreeable, and/or kind; and those who pretend to be.

The reality is that most of us fall into the latter category, where the definition of a “friend” is “someone who'll go along with my pretences as long as I go along with theirs”. Niceties like Political Correctness were invented and are clung onto by this mob. But relationships between and with “pretenders” are less likely to be dynamic than relationships with people who are genuine. I'm certainly more open and drawn to people who leave me in no doubt, in given circumstances, as to where I stand in their esteem. I know where I stand with such people at such times, and can be appropriate to that if needs be.

People who fall into the Authentic category tend to suss out inauthenticity in people, and associate with it only if its unavoidable in the moment, or necessary to get something done. And they rarely get blind-sided by inauthenticity because they've seen it on the moral horizon. They know the meaning of Integrity, and how powerless are those who don't.

Authentic people can, and often will play the pretending game with inauthentic people just to get them out of the way, but they know what they're doing and why they're doing it. An inauthentic person doesn't realise when he/she is being conned; that's why they get suckered – again and again. The easiest person in the world to con is a conniver.

Inauthentic people are never short of bedfellows who'll give them agreement. Since they belong to the largest club in the world, they're often feeling lonely but rarely alone. By definition, authentic people commonly risk having to stand alone. Theirs is indeed the road less traveled. Authentic people are like prime numbers.

It's also true that authentic people quickly recognise one another. But by and large they don't spend a lot of time hanging out, and what time they do share is not spent doling out social strokes: they have things of consequence to do, situations to improve, and goals to accomplish. There's a mutual respect going on that is miles away from the communal suck-holing of the auxiliary.

The bottom line (if you'll pardon my expression) is that we're drawn to people we feel affinity with.

I know a bunch of authentic people, and here's how I see them doing it:

1. They willingly show a little vulnerability. 

One-upmanship is not part of their game – ever. Charming people look for ways and means where instead of creating winners and no losers, everyone involved benefits in ways that have value to them. They don't try to win any unstated competitions with people they meet. They resist the tribal urges to play Topdog/Underdog. They eschew pecking orders. In fact, they actively try to lose in the sense that they willingly take "risk" as the normal price of growth.

They risk themselves. They're supporting, not gulling. They're open to be impressed, but they're not impressionable. They're even willing to admit a weakness or a failure. They know that the space thus created is an open invitation for someone who can complement their weak spots with the skills they don't have. In interpersonal relationships in any sphere, they come from a ground being, not of equality, but of Evenness.

It's really easy. Say you meet a would-be Donald Trump and he says, "I just closed a fabulous deal to build the world's best golf course on the most amazing ocean-front property on the planet." Don't try to win. Instead say, "That's awesome. I'm jealous. I've wanted to build a small recreation facility for years, but can't line up the financing. How did you pull off such a huge deal?"

Charming people are confident enough to be unafraid to show a little vulnerability. They know that while some people may be, at least temporarily, impressed by the superficial, anyone who matters sincerely recognises and appreciates a genuine “how did you do that?” interest.

The other side of a genuine person is that they know how to be appropriate with a person who is showing vulnerability. They don't get uncomfortable or embarrassed, nor do they look for a chance to take advantage. They meet evenly with and supportively connect with the other person in that space.

They show they're genuinely glad to meet you. 
They don't “gush”. They meet you evenly. Their body language betrays genuine respect. In our Euro-Australian culture, genuine people establish eye contact, and return to it frequently during the intercourse. I make the cultural “Euro-Asian” concession, however, because in other cultures, including Australian aboriginal social interchanges, steady eye contact can be interpreted as disrespectful, and perhaps confrontational, and maybe even hostile. But a genuinely respectful person will already have sussed that out, either by research or by simply observing local behaviour. And out of respect that person will always be appropriate to the mores of the other.

In most cultures, however, customs are amazingly similar, betraying our common prehistoric origins. Genuinely empathetic people smile when you smile. They frown when you frown. They nod their head when you nod. While you're making a point, they give gentle physical and verbal cues that they're attending to you. In simple, non-verbal ways, they support your behaviour -- not in craven politeness, but because they're focused on what you're saying. They are genuinely with you in the moment, and somehow you know it. You have their full attention. Sometimes people say of them “While with her I felt I was the only person in the room”. What a stark difference from people who, while talking with you, let their gaze wander around the room. You remember that experience, don't you? And you remember how you felt when someone did that to you. Inauthentic people don't support you; at best, they mimic you. And they make noises of sympathy, rather than find a space for empathy.

The feedback loop that you get from a genuine person helps the two of you bond -- and the ability to bond is the essence of being human and, by the way, genuinely charming.

3. They search for creative engagement instead of agreement or contradiction. 

Unfortunately for social growth, friendship has been defined by most as the bond that exists between like-minded people in which each will be be agreeable with each other, even if that means being inauthentic. And one of those unspoken agreements is that each will tacitly go along with the inauthenticities of the other. 

I say “unfortunately” because relationships without some muscle and sinew in the intellectual and emotional give and take grow flabby, pale and stale. They lead to a laziness that winds up in one form or another of – “You're either with me or against me”. 

My point is that agreement purely for its own sake may make for short meetings, but not for trust, growth or progress. Social “niceness” is corrosive because it's based on a lie – the lie that “I know you're being phony with me, and I know that I'm being phony with you, but I'll pretend that's not so, as long as you do the same for me.” Sooner or later one party to that pretence feels the other has broken the deal, and all hell breaks loose. How could it not, when the so-called “friendship” is based on disloyalty to truth and a betrayal of deep, open connection.

Going contrary (feral) goes hand-in-glove with giving agreement; it is the opposite side of the same social coin. Purely out of cultural habit, born of the dual nature of the human mind, opposition is such an easy habit to fall into, so easy indeed that it becomes the default strategy for dealing with anything that doesn't neatly fit our expectations. And our surrounding social structures reinforce and give licence to the habit. Our Court systems and parliamentary legislative systems are adversarial. The system is based on the assumption that the strongest argument, the most certain position will win the day and will produce the best outcomes for all concerned. I question that assumption. Seriously. It has led to laws being made by those with the loudest voices, the most political power, and the greatest resources to bend the necessary people to their will. It's the law of Topdog and Underdogs. Someone wins, and everybody else loses. Yet we go along with it because, thanks to the duality of the mind, we think that's how it's supposed to be. 

It's ridiculously easy to automatically look for points of disagreement rather than agreement. It's far too easy to automatically take a different side. Because we do it all the time. And it never occurs to us that maybe there's a better way. In such a mindset, the best we hope for is Compromise, and we congratulate each other if it appears to be “workable”.

And it's easy to end up in what feels like an argument, but is actually much more than that – we wind up in a state of perpetual struggle and war with each other and our selves. Because we settle for workable compromises, tacit compliance and the attendant hidden resentment, calmness and equanimity evade us, and we never really work out why. We just know that we're chronically discontented, anxious, on edge and dissatisfied.

Charming people don't actively (or unknowingly) look to either agree or disagree, nor are they satisfied with compromise; they look for possibilities for discovery and progress in an atmosphere of eager co-operation. Creative people find the consensus-point of where we are now, then when it's appropriate, they gently lead everyone to view the situation or the idea from a different position -- and in that way, to insinuate a new way of seeing into the overall picture and help create an outstanding conversation about new possibilities. Creative people step deliberately into a situation and enlarge it, creating space and easing constricting tensions.

4. They (selectively) use the power of touch.

Non-sexual touch can be incredibly powerful. (I'm aware that sexual touch can be powerful too, thanks, but until both participants are ready for it and okay with it, the effect may counter-productive!)

Touch can influence behaviour, increase the chances of co-operation, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly, and can even help you make an enduring alliance.

Touch is a language that transcends verbal linguistic boundaries. For example, in one experiment the participants tried to convey twelve different emotions by touching another blindfolded participant on the forearm. The rate of accuracy for perceiving emotions like fear, anger, gratitude, sympathy, love, and disgust ranged from 43 percent to 83 percent -- without a word being spoken.

Say you're congratulating someone; shaking hands or (possibly better yet, depending on the situation) sensitively and reassuringly touching them gently on the shoulder or upper arm can help reinforce the sincerity of your words. The urge to express reassurance through touch, however, must be genuine and without embarrassment. It may sound ridiculous to warn that half-embarrassed punching or slapping will not achieve the intimacy you seek, but I've watched too many possibly great moments spoiled by such self-conscious constricting around the power of personal tactile entente.

5. They often dine out on their own foibles. 

And they're also not afraid to look a little silly. Ice skating in a koala outfit may be a little extreme, but charming people don't mind occasionally being in a situation where they aren't at their best.

And oddly enough, people tend to respect them more for that -- not less.

People who can't let go like that are seen as "aloof", “cold” and “uncaring”. That may be quite mistaken, but the mistake is understandable.

When you genuinely own your foibles, people don't laugh at you. They laugh with you. And they realise it's OK to let down their own guards and meet you at a genuine level.

6. They're masters of social Jiu-Jitsu.

Some people have a knack for getting you to talk openly about yourself. They ask open-ended questions. Without an underlying ploy to gain advantage, they sincerely want to know what you think, and that encourages you open up to a surprising degree. While in the presence of such a person, you feel like the most interesting man (or woman) in the world.

And you like them for letting you feel that way.

As soon as you learn something about someone, ask why they do it. Or how. Or what they like about it, or what they've learned from it. Charming people ask sincere questions that make it easy to answer in a thoughtful, introspective way. They make you think, in a good way, about yourself, and in the process make you feel interesting to be with too.

7. They always pass the "server test." 

You know how you go out to eat with someone and they're nice to you... yet dismissive of, or rude, or condescending to the waitress? That's the server test.

Charming people treat everyone the same way: as worthy and deserving of respect and kindness.

8. They're great with names. 

Memorable people remember names and even small details, often to a surprising degree. One of the greatest exponents of this was former WA Premier, Brian Burke. I watched him one night at a charity fundraising function at the Perth Italian Club. He dragged himself out of hospital to do a “Thankyou” circuit of the room. With over a thousand people in attendance, I don't think he missed anyone. The fact that Brian remembered every person's name instantly and without prompting made everyone feel pretty special. When you remember a person's name, and use it respectfully, that person instantly feels a little better about him/herself -- that means that, even in a small way, they matter.

It's automatically reciprocal. No-one ever forgets that you remembered them; that makes them feel better about the person who remembers them.

Yet even though charming people remember names...

9. They never name drop.

Genuine people may know cool people... but they don't talk about it. They don't need to. They're happy to be wherever they are on your Esteem Scale on their own merits, not thanks to someone really famous they may have once met. And that only adds to their charm.

10. They always let you talk more. 

And that makes you feel important.

Because you are.