R.S.V.P.

R.S.V.P.

The power of choice is one of the most creative gifts we are given. Yet it is astounding that so few people realise when they are actually making choices. “I have to....” prefaces the declarations of intent of those who duck the responsibilities that go hand-in-hand with such life gifts. When things go pear-shaped as a consequence of actions taken in ignorance of the freedom that is ours, many times you'll hear the complaint “I have no choice.” In 98% of cases, this is simply not true.

Although we follow many prior choices every minute of the day, we rarely make neutral choices. Each choice has a mix of positive or negative consequence for us at some level. This rule applies equally to choices made consciously (responses) and those made by default out of habit (reactions)

The most important choices we make are our the attitudes we select and assume. Our attitudes result from the accumulation of multiple decisions and reactions to early-life experiences that prompt particular, unarticulated beliefs about ideas and conclusions like “This is the way life is”, “This is the way I am”. These prior decisions and reactions, instituted at inception without consideration, are not thought out as we repeat them: if anything, they think us! Once again, we are slaves to our own insensibility.

Contrary to some beliefs, circumstances alone do not determine our attitudes and consequent choices. There are other strong variables that come into play, such as character, personality, culture, general social consciousness, and the external influence of significant others. There are heaps of examples of children of the same parentage and identical circumstances growing up with radically differing attitudes. I guess the good news of that is “We can rise above our raising.”

There's a story I love to tell about the father of two rather over-privileged twin boys who picked them up from school on their 9^th birthday and told them “Your birthday present is waiting for each of you in your bedrooms when we get home.” As soon as the 4WD pulled up in the garage, the boys shot out of the back seat and headed toward their bedrooms. Within 30 seconds there was a howl of hurt and rage from one room, followed by a very irate little boy yelling “My room is full of horeshit!!, further followed by slamming doors and much caterwauling.

Eventually the noise died down as the boy went off to sulk elsewhere. Silence fell. An eerie silence, since the father realised that the other son had not uttered a sound. After several minutes, he could stand it no longer. He tiptoed upstairs to his other son's room. Silence, apart from soft shuffling noises. Gingerly the father pushed the door open. His son was quietly circling the pile of manure, prodding it with a ruler and muttering to himself, “There's got to be a pony in here somewhere.”

Our predominant attitude to life in all its manifestations is a product of both nature and nurture, which in turn are determined by our choices. And ultimately we are the sole author of our choices. If this were not so, there'd be no point to the game.

Let’s look at why such a simple choice—embracing a positive or negative attitude—is more challenging than it appears for many people.

Just think of the last time you were in deep thought about your plans for the evening while driving home from work. As you pull into your driveway you suddenly “come to” and wonder to yourself, “How did I get home?” The car seemed to practically drive itself. Driving is a relatively complex task, requiring many choices along the way—turn right, turn left, slow down, stop, change lanes. Still, driving home can be successfully performed almost subconsciously; most of us do it far too often, then wonder why “accidents” happen!

Be that as it may, consider the multitude of much smaller choices we make each day that we don’t really think about: waking up, going to the toilet, showering, brushing our teeth, getting and eating breakfast. There was a time when we had to laboriously learn how to do these initially intricate tasks but long since, they have become unconscious habits.

Saying “good morning” to a colleague, eating our lunch, performing a repetitive job duty, and so on are largely relegated to the realm of mindless activity. That's not always a bad thing. Subconscious actions are useful much of the time, but there comes a point if we want to elevate our enjoyment of life to something better than we're experiencing right now, we must raise our awareness level and consciously choose our attitude to influence our results. We do that by reversing the habit, and applying conscious awareness and attention to whatever we're doing, while we're doing it. Every time we catch ourself acting by rote, we gently bring our attention back to the task and simply become aware of what we're doing, what it feels like, and what effects we're having. With persistence, being present and available becomes our new habitual state of being. And that's where things liven up.

Our ability to choose is a gift of grace but, as with most gifts, the greater the gift, the greater the responsibility that comes with it. No matter what today’s “it’s not my fault” culture encourages, we are all ultimately responsible for our own choices, and the decisions that flow from them. In fact, you may have noticed in previous posts that I like to write the word responsibility as “response-ability”. All sentient life reacts; as humans, we have the possibly unique ability, and responsibility, to respond.

Here’s a scenario repeated daily. Family dinners are important at the Smith house. Jim and Jane Smith and their two children (John, age three, and Janie, age four) just sat down at the table. Before the first bite of dinner is enjoyed, John spills his milk and it goes everywhere.

A reaction to this event might sound something like: “John! Look what you're doing! Every time we eat, this happens. You clumsy daydreaming oaf!! Wake up to yourself! Think, son, think! Do you want to eat in your room from now on?”

A response to this event might sound more like: “Uh-oh, John. Let’s get a sponge and clean this up so you can eat your dinner.”

When you react, you make a purely emotional and subconscious decision. A choice to allow your self to react without consideration is already in play in the background. You react robotically – there's a stimulus and you react, usually predictably. Often, because of how your experiences and prior choices have programmed your subconscious mind, your reactions do not help you achieve the best results. In fact they may produce exactly the reverse results of what you'd really like. Reactions, by their very nature are counter-intuitive.

On the other hand, when you respond consciously to a situation, you make a constructive and aware decision. That’s why emergency services set up emergency response teams, not emergency reaction teams. If we had reaction teams, ambulance, fire, paramedic and SES services would have to do training in running around in blind panic, screeching like demented monkeys and tearing their hair out. Impressive, maybe, but useless.

When you simply react, your primitive emotional instinct is in control, with little access available to higher-level thinking, and no chance of imagining long-range consequences. It's the lazy option. It's the option of life's victims

When you respond, your brain is fully engaged and your self-awareness is high. You have the long-term consequences in mind. This choice requires a conscious choice, purposeful intent, commitment to preferred outcomes, and training. It's the option of life's authors.

We all experience plenty of negative situations and people. Remember the 80/20 Rule? Choosing to respond appropriately instead of react blindly puts you in the desired 20%, and sets us on-track to positively orchestrate our attitudes–and live fruitful lives of purposeful intention.

The effort is worth it. Really.