You get all kinds of happiness advice on the internet
from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t trust them.
UCLA neuroscience researcher Alex Korb has
some insights that can support you if you decide to create an upward spiral of
happiness in your life. Here’s what you and I can learn from the people
who really do have some answers that make a difference:
1)
When You Feel Down, Ask Two Questions
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like your mind wants you to
be happy. Why? We don't choose to feel lousy for nothing – What's the payoff
supposed to be for feeling this way, and then claiming “I can't help myself”?
Believe it or not, bad feelings, eg. guilt and shame, activate
the primitive part of the brain’s reward centre – Me feeling guilty or
ashamed proves that I'm a good person.
Despite their differences, pride,
shame, and guilt all activate similar neural circuits, including the
dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, amygdala, insula, and the nucleus accumbens.
Interestingly, pride is the most powerful of these emotions at triggering
activity in these regions — except in the nucleus accumbens, where guilt and
shame win out. This explains why it can be so appealing to heap guilt and shame
on ourselves — they’re activating the brain’s reward centre.
We feel good feeling bad.
We very easily opt to feel unhappy because the
prevailing thought we attach to goes something like My suffering is going to motivate someone to do something nice for me.
When we think back to our early childhood it’s not hard to speculate where we
got that thought. But why do we persevere with that habit into so-called
adulthood? Well, some people get away with it: they keep it up until someone
gives them what they want.
Others keep trying it on because it’s a trait of all
human minds to think “This used to work
so if I keep this up it will eventually work again.” For others still, it’s just habit -- the
longer they've been ripping ourselves off in this way, the idea of getting off
the suffering potty scares the hell into them.
In this condition where most people use “You’re making me unhappy” to manipulate
change in other people, it can take considerable courage to be happy.
Yes, that's nuts, but who ever said the human mind was
“sane”? Perhaps, for a very, very long time in more primitive ages, we learned
to feel, for example, guilty in the hope of preventing ourselves from doing
things that might get us kicked out of the tribal cave and possible death. It
didn't work, but........ old habits die hard.
And we worry a lot too. Feeling scared and guilty
in advance? Why? In the short term, worrying makes your brain send out “I feel
a little better” messages, so at least you can tell yourself that worrying is
sort of doing something about possible problems. Maybe if I worry
hard enough, it won't happen.
In fact, worrying can help calm the limbic system by
increasing activity in the medial prefrontal cortex and decreasing
activity in the amygdala. That might seem counter-intuitive, but it just goes
to show that if you’re feeling anxiety, doing something about it — even
worrying — seems better than the utter powerlessness of doing nothing.
But guilt, shame and worry are horrible, unhealthy
long-term solutions. They take their toll on body (chronic pain, cancers) and
mind (chronic anxiety, depression). So what do neuroscientists say you could do
to turn these toxic habits around ?
Ask yourself this question:
What am I grateful for?
Grateful? What do I have to be grateful about? Does
what is really just a feeling (or lack of anti-feeling), affect my body and
brain at the biological level? Yes, like all other feelings, it most certainly
does. Feelings of quiet, genuine Gratitude in particular have awesome
emotional healing power.
It's a Ruthless Rule of Reality that a change in any
one part of an organism changes the whole of it. Shifting your attention away
from dissatisfaction with something to gratitude for something else sets
changes rippling around your whole being. If you keep that up, you could
transform your life.
Like the antidepressant Wellbutrin, Gratitude boosts
the neurotransmitter dopamine. And gratitude will give you those results
without paying through the nose for doses of manufactured chemicals that make
GlaxoSmithKline obscenely rich people. Gratitude is natural, effective and
free. Feeling grateful activates the brain stem region that produces dopamine.
Additionally, gratitude is catching. Gratitude toward others increases activity
in social dopamine circuits, which makes social interactions more enjoyable…And
the people who join you in Gratitude don't have to dose up on drugs either. No
wonder GSK wants it kept quiet!
And if you've been on Prozac to boost the
neurotransmitter, Serotonin, you can put your prescriptions and money away.
Gratitude will do that, too. Just digging around a little to think of things
you are grateful for leads you to focus on more expansive aspects of your life.
This simple act increases serotonin production in the anterior cingulate
cortex.
I know that sometimes life lands a really mean punch
in the gut and it feels like there’s nothing to be grateful for. Guess
what? Doesn’t matter. You don’t have to actually find anything right away.....
It’s the searching that counts.
Via The Upward Spiral:
It’s not a finding of gratitude that
matters most; it’s remembering to look for it, inwardly in the first place. As
you develop the habit of noticing things that give you moments of delight,
moments you immediately feel a burst of gratefulness for give yourself a moment
to enjoy each little flush of yummy feeling. Let this new habit replace your
old habits of either not noticing or “looking for the catch” in every new thing
that jumps up in your path.
Remembering to be grateful is a form of
emotional intelligence. One study found that it actually affected neuron
density in both the ventromedial and lateral prefrontal cortex. These density
changes suggest that as emotional intelligence increases, the neurons in these
areas become more efficient. As higher emotional intelligence expands, it
simply takes less effort to be grateful. Instead a sincere
“thank you” arises between two or more people whose relationship lies
comfortably on a base of horizontal evenness. Any sense of vertical hierarchy
is dissolved, and judgments of good or bad, better or worse fall away.
Gratitude doesn’t just make your mind and heart happy.
Because Gratitude is infectious, it can also set up a positive feedback
loop in your relationships. Your social being gets a boost, too. So
whatever it is that you're grateful for, express that gratitude to the people
you care about. Who knows. They may catch onto the energy... and so it goes
onward...
But what happens when bad feelings completely overtake
you? When you’re really in the dumps and don’t even know how to deal with it?
What has gone awry?
There’s an answer that's simple, but not easy. You're
suffering because you've identified yourself (That's me!) with something that is not you.
You've attached your sense of self and your wellbeing to something external – a
thought, a feeling, an idea, a belief, an opinion, a principle, a value, an
experience. All of these things are something you can have, just as I have a
set of keys I carry around with me, but they are not Me. Nor are the thoughts
and feelings that drop in, the ideas, beliefs, opinions, principles, and values
we encounter. We can have them, and play with them, without suffering. But the
minute we adopt any of them and claim This is Me, we lose our limitless
Self and instead become the limiting idea. Instead of being free, we
identify with someone else's constaining idea or a belief about something
As I see it, there's a very good “reason” why we're
empowered to limit ourselves in this way.
For entertainment.
Suffering is a game invented by a free being in which
we pretend we're not-free in some way, so that we can experience first-hand
what it's like to be not-free, not-happy. When we've had enough of that
experience, we can free ourselves by simply remembering that this was just a
game and is NOT what we are. It's just a role we adopted to see what the world
looks like from that space. A lot of people get stuck in the game, however,
because they've been mesmerised by the dis-eases and they've forgotten it's a
game, – the actor got lost in the character and his/her dramas, and thinks
he/she is stuck.
It is your identifying yourself with this “something”
(this is Me) that is unsettling you. (If I didn't think or feel this
way, if I didn't have this belief, if I hadn't failed to live up to this value
or principle – I'd be OK). But instead of separating your self from this
external bugbear, instead of being the detached witnesser of the experience,
you've jumped into the emotional and thoughtstorm rodeo and climbed onto the
beast for the ride. In stead of being the witnesser of the experience. You've
allowed yourself to become the experience. (This is what I am).
Which is fine. That's how life works. It's how we
learn. But there comes a time to re-member ourselves, to re-member that this
experience we're having is not what we are. “On one hand there's an
experience I'm having, and on the other hand there's me.” It's time to
separate, to disengage, and move on. Here's how.......
2) Label Negative Feelings
You feel awful? Okay, give that awfulness a name. Sad?
Anxious? Angry? Bored? Confused? Ashamed?
Boom.
Does that sound ridiculously simple?
Simple, yes; ridiculous, no. Whenever we
“label” or “judge” something, we're actually putting a bit of distance between
our self and the thing we've just labelled. Your mind disagrees? Let it. That's
what minds do. But it was your mind that first made the connection. Your mind
didn't say “I have this knot of (sadness) just under my heart at the moment.
It said – “This is Me. I am sad/right/wrong ...etc. etc.” – ,
and your mind has to be right about everything it considers itself to be. That's
what our minds do. But fortunately, our minds also like labelling – we do it
all the time. We label situations, feelings, thoughts and people as good/bad,
right/wrong, desirable/undesirable. I'm inviting you to use the mind-habit of
Labelling to a healthy end....
Via The Upward Spiral:
…in one fMRI study, appropriately titled “Putting
Feelings into Words” participants viewed pictures of people with emotional
facial expressions. Predictably, each participant’s amygdala activated to the
emotions in the picture. But when they were asked to name the emotion, the
ventrolateral prefrontal cortex became activated and reduced the emotional
amygdala reactivity. In other words, consciously recognising the emotions and
giving them a label reduced their impact somewhat.
This is very different from suppressing our emotions.
Suppressing emotions doesn’t work; they will surface again and again in one
unhealthy form or another.
Instead of squashing and hiding your feelings, labelling
lets them be. You just give them a name. It's that simple. And if the emotion
persists, let it be so and give it another name. Call it anger, resentment,
frustration or Murgatroyd – it doesn't matter. Just acknowledge its existence,
let it be and give it labels until, one day, you'll realise you haven't heard
from the feeling for a while. Given space to simply be, emotions lose their
wallop, become transparent, and open up your ability to see ways through an
hitherto blind alley.
Via Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming
Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long:
We've found that people who tried to
suppress a negative emotional experience failed to do so. While they thought
they looked fine outwardly, inwardly their limbic system was just as aroused as
without suppression, and in some cases, even more aroused. In response your
body is manufacturing hormones that, with nowhere to go, become toxic. Trying
not to feel something doesn’t work.
But labelling, on the other hand, makes a big
difference, because it diverts your mind's attention, albeit briefly, from the
emotion itself to the labelling task. The human mind can only focus on one
thing at a time. By labelling we use that deficiency to direct attention away
from experiencing the suffering to “thinking about” it. When we shift from
directly experiencing to “thinking about” the experience, we put
distance between the discomfort and our self. Emotional relief is usually felt
immediately.
When we label, we turn a direct experience
into a concept of that experience. To reduce unwanted arousal, use just
a few words, as few as possible, to describe what you're feeling, and ideally
use symbolic language, which means using indirect metaphors, metrics, and
simplifications of your experience. Doing this activates your prefrontal
cortex, which reduces the arousal in the limbic system. Here’s the bottom line:
describe an emotion in just a word or two, and it helps ease the emotional
swelling.
Ancient methods were way ahead of us on this
one. Meditating and self-awareness practice have employed this
technique for centuries. Labelling is a fundamental tool of mindfulness.
In fact, labelling affects the brain so powerfully it
works with other people too. Labelling emotions is one of the primary
tools used by FBI hostage negotiators.
OK, moving on......
Maybe you’re not feeling awful just at this moment but
you probably have things going on in your life that you can't get a handle
on, situations that are causing you some stress and stopping you from finding
balance. Here’s a simple way to de-power them…
3)
Make That Decision
Have you ever delayed making a decision because you
felt uncomfortable, then when you finally made a commitment, your mind
immediately felt some release, even coming to rest? That was no random
occurrence.
Worry and anxiety are felt as a result of the mind
holding two or more conflicting ideas, without any reconciliation, across the same period of time. Brain
science shows that making decisions reduces worry and anxiety — as well as
clearing some space to help you resolve problematic tangles.
By its very nature, the process of making
decisions automatically includes recognising contextual choices, creating
intentions and setting goals — all three are part of the same neural circuitry
and engage the prefrontal cortex in a positive way, reducing the neural chaos
of worry and anxiety .in less sophisticated areas of the brain. Making
decisions also helps overcome striatum activity, which usually pulls you toward
negative impulses and routines. Finally, making decisions, especially decisions
to do something different to the usual, automatically changes your perception
of the world — calming the primitive limbic system and helping other possible
solutions to your problems to reveal themselves .
But deciding can be hard, I agree. It can
feel like taking a leap off the high board without knowing whether there's
water in the pool. Deciding involves the prospect of making some kind of change
(and our habitual minds hate change). Secondly, deciding can involve our minds
cranking out strident alarm warnings, accompanied by feelings of unease,
against making a potentially “wrong” decision. In this case it’s worth taking
into account the possibility that there's no such thing as a wrong decision,
unless you believe in the concept, in which case there is, but only in your
mind. If you can find space for the possibility that if we can strip away
subjective tags of “good” or “bad”, “right” or “wrong”, and keep the deciding
process more objective, deciding could be a lot less traumatic. Keep in mind
the truism – Any decision will be more beneficial than no decision at all.
So what kind of decisions should you make?
Neuroscience has an answer…
If you absolutely can't be definitive, make a “good
enough” decision. Don’t sweat making the absolute 100% best decision. The
fact is that, depending on the list of expectations and rules in our individual
and unique codebooks, such a thing as a decision that ticks all of our
“shoulds” probably does not exist. Take some solace in the knowing that just
making a decision will create enough space and ease enough tension for you to
deal creatively with consequences. We all know from our experiences that being
a perfectionist can be stressful, for both the perpetrator and those nearby.
And brain studies back this up.
Trying to be perfect is a vain attempt to feel in
control. But perfectionism saddles the sufferer with the opposite results,
overwhelming your brain with complications and emotions that make you feel out
of control. And if you're one of those people who've decided way back in
childhood that Control is the only way to survive living life, you're in for a
very bumpy and dissatisfying ride. It's my experience that Control has never
been The Issue. Living an appealing life, I've found, is a bit less like
adhering to a book of instructions and a bit more like surfing; you cannot
control the wave, but by engaging with it moment-to-moment on its terms, you
can learn to master it
Via The Upward Spiral:
Striving for the perfect, instead of “best
possible in my present circumstances”, brings too much emotional ventromedial
prefrontal activity into the decision-making process. In contrast, backing away
a little and recognising that “good enough” may just be good enough for now
activates more dorsolateral prefrontal areas, which helps you feel more
capable.....…
As I look around me in nature, it seems that God
herself is content to let things run and “see how it turns out”. That's how and
why she invented Evolution. I have found that when I try out something
different “just to see how it turns out”, there's no such thing as “failure”.
Notions of Success and Failure (and notions are all that they are) are replaced
by Interesting Results and Surprising Consequences. Those are much more fun.
So, given the Ruthless Rule of Reality that total
control is an illusion, amassing awareness, gathering an appreciation of
what-is, and making a decision allows your mind to feel a measure mastery,
rather like the surfer experiences when he successfully rides a wave.. A
feeling of mastery, no matter how small, reduces stress and boosts quiet
confidence, unlike attempts to control which leave you wondering who or what is
going to be “out to get me” next. This is precisely why, when life delivers one
or more of its knock-backs, choosing what-is to be exactly as it is can be
positively therapeutic and a real way to actually enjoy the roughest of rides,
or find your way out of any impasse.
But here’s what’s really fascinating: Deciding
also boosts –
- An
awareness of you taking over your authorship in the situation (that's true
Authority)
- Pleasure
and Satisfaction.
Via The Upward Spiral:
Actively choosing caused changes in
attention circuits and in how the participants felt about the action, and it
increased rewarding dopamine activity.
Want proof? No problem. Let’s talk about cocaine.
In recent lab tests two rats were to be given mild
injections of cocaine. Rat A had to pull a lever first before it got its shot.
Rat B didn’t have to do anything. Any difference? Yup: Blood tests revealed
that Rat A got a bigger boost of dopamine. Getting something for nothing is not
as satisfying as you'd hoped. Which may be one explanation as to why people on
a social drip for prolonged periods aren't happy chappies.
So what’s the lesson here? Next time you buy cocaine…
whoops, wrong lesson. My point is, when you make a decision on a goal
and then achieve it, you feel better than when good stuff just happens by
chance.
And this answers the eternal mystery of why
dragging your butt to the gym can be so hard but is ultimately more satisfying
if it's voluntary. If you go because you feel you're being compelled to or
you “should”, well, it’s not really a voluntary, unanimous decision. The
Topdog part of your mind has once again bullied the Underdog side, and there's
latent reluctance and resentment going on under the bonnet. Consequently, your
brain doesn’t get the pleasure boost. It just feels stress. And that’s no way
to build a good exercise habit. Your underdog mind simply says “Serves you
right – you didn't ask me first. I'll get you for this – one day”
Via The Upward Spiral:
Interestingly, if we are forced to
exercise, we don’t get the same benefits, because without deliberate
choosing, the exercise itself becomes a source of stress.
So make more decisions. Neuroscience researcher Alex
Korb sums it up nicely:
We don’t just choose the things we like;
we also like the things we choose.
Okay, you’re being grateful, labelling unhealthy
emotions and making more decisions. Great. But this is feeling kinda lonely for
a happiness prescription. Let’s get some other people in here.
What’s something you can do with others that
neuroscience says is a path to hyper-happiness? And something that’s stupidly
simple so you don’t get lazy and skip it? Brain docs have an answer for
you…
4)
Touch People
No, not inappropriately or indiscriminately; that
might be counter-productive and even get you into a lot of trouble.
But we all need to feel our connection with, and
acceptance from others. When we don’t, it’s painful. And I don’t mean just
“awkward” or “disappointing.” I mean it can be actually physically, emotionally
and spiritually painful.
Neuroscientists did a study where people played a
ball-tossing video game. The other players tossed the ball to you and you
tossed it back to them. Actually, there were no other players; that was all
done by the computer program, but the testers didn't divulge that. The subjects
were told the characters were controlled by real people. So what happened when
the “other players” stopped playing nice and didn’t share the ball?
Subjects’ brains responded the same way as if they
experienced physical pain. Rejection doesn’t just hurt like a broken toy;
your mind feels it like a broken leg.
Via The Upward Spiral:
In fact, as demonstrated in an fMRI
experiment, social exclusion activates the same circuitry as physical pain… at
one point they stopped sharing, only throwing back and forth to each other,
ignoring the participant. This small change was enough to elicit feelings of
social exclusion, and it activated the anterior cingulate and insula, just like
physical pain would.
Relationships are very important to your mind's
ability to access happiness. And supportive words can do wonders. But if
you want to turbo-boost your connections......
Touch people.
One of the primary ways to release oxytocin is through
touching. Obviously, it’s not always appropriate to touch most people, but
small, agenda-less contacts like touching a forearm, like handshakes and pats
on the back are usually okay. For people you’re close with, hone your awareness
of appropriate opportunities to underline the strength of mutual trust with
touch.
Touching is incredibly powerful. We just don’t give it
enough credit. When given without hidden expectations, touching makes you more approachable
and more persuasive. Touching expresses trust, increases team
performance, improves your flirting… heck, it even
boosts academic skills.
Touching someone you connect with actually reduces
pain. In fact, when studies were done on married couples, the stronger the
marriage, the more powerful the effect.
Via The Upward Spiral:
In addition, holding hands with someone
can help comfort you and your brain through painful situations. One fMRI study
scanned married women as they were warned that they were about to get a small
electric shock. While anticipating the painful shocks, the brain showed a
predictable pattern of response in pain and worrying circuits, with activation
in the insula, anterior cingulate, and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. During a
separate scan, the women either held their husbands’ hands or the hand of the
experimenter. When a subject held her husband’s hand, the threat of shock had a
smaller effect. The brain showed reduced activation in both the anterior
cingulate cortex and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex— that is, less activity in
the pain and worrying circuits. In addition, the stronger the marriage, the
lower the discomfort-related insula activity.
So hug someone today. And do not accept little,
quick hugs or those self-conscious ”pretend” embraces when one party, or both,
lean in from arm’s length and keep slapping the other on the back. No, no,
no. Tell them your neuroscientist recommended long hugs during which the
participants give themselves permission to feel the closeness without wondering
what the neighbours might think.
A hug, especially a long one, releases a
neurotransmitter and hormone oxytocin, which reduces the reactivity of the
amygdala.
Research shows getting five hugs a day for four
weeks increases happiness big-time.
Don’t have anyone to hug right now? No? (I’m
sorry to hear that. I would give you a hug right now if I could.) But there’s a
Plan “B” remedy: neuroscience says you could go get a massage.
Controlled test results are fairly clear that massage
boosts your serotonin by as much as 30 percent. Massage also decreases stress
hormones and raises dopamine levels, which helps you create new, more healthy
habits… Massage reduces pain because the oxytocin system activates
painkilling endorphins. Massage also improves sleep and reduces fatigue by
increasing serotonin and dopamine and decreasing the stress hormone cortisol.
So spend time with other people and give some hugs.
Sorry, texting is definitely not enough. Someone
tested it. When you put people in a stressful situation and then let them visit
loved ones or talk to them on the phone, they felt better. But when they
just texted, their bodies responded the same as if they had no support at all.
Via The Upward Spiral:
…the text-message group had cortisol and oxytocin
levels similar to the no-contact group.
Author’s note: I totally approve of texting if
you do it to make an appointment for a hug.
Sum Up
Here’s what brain research says will make you
happy:
- Ask
“What am I grateful for?” No answers? Doesn’t matter. Just searching helps.
Keep practising.
- Label
those negative emotions. Give each one a name. Separate who you are
from what baggage you have on board. When you get that you are not your
luggage, your mind isn't so bothered by it. Your brain, body and other
organs get off the hook.
- Decide. If
there's an either-or situation, settle for a “good enough for now” instead
of “best decision ever made on Earth.”
- Hugs,
hugs, hugs. Don’t text — touch.
So what’s the dead simple way to start that
upward spiral of happiness?
Just send someone a thank you email. If you feel
awkward about it, you can send them this post to tell them why. It starts
the flow of energy rippling outwards from you. In a world well stacked with
people who are walking black holes of need, you'll soon attract all kinds of
manifestations of Happiness, starting an upward spiral of happiness in your
life. UCLA neuroscience researcher Alex Korb explains:
Everything is interconnected. Gratitude
improves sleep. Sleep reduces pain. Reduced pain improves your mood. Improved
mood reduces anxiety, which improves focus and planning. Focus and planning
help with decision making. Decision making further reduces anxiety and improves
enjoyment. Enjoyment gives you more to be grateful for, which keeps that loop
of the upward spiral going. Enjoyment also makes it more likely you’ll exercise
and be social, which, in turn, will make you happier.
Thank you for reading this.
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