NO-COST GIVING THAT WILL GET YOU EERYTHING

GIFTS THAT EMPOWER THE RECEIVER

AND DON'T COST YOU ANYTHING.

For just a moment now, think about people you truly respect.

Who are they? When did you encounter them? In what context?

Think about people you truly admire. Think about people you love to be around. How many of them are filthy rich? How many of them are highly accomplished? How many of them are household names across the country? Yet you love to be around them--and you would love to be more like them. Why? If it isn't primarily their financial wealth, dazzling achievements or fame that draws you to them, what do they have in common that, for you at least, sets them apart from everyone else?

Let me guess – in your experience they're givers, not takers? They give of themselves, generously, selflessly, and without needing something in return? The expectation of spending time with them does not prompt you to hide your silverware, close your computer, lock up your daughters or put on your “best face”? Your past experiences with them have left you feeling better about yourself and somehow of more value? Rather than draining your energy and creating a sense of “you owe me”, the presence of these people adds something of intangible but real value to your life? You're glad and grateful that you know them?

People you deeply respect give because their happiness--and their success--comes from your happiness and your success.

Here's what they give:

1. The Gifts of Attention, Acknowledgement and Encouragement. 

Even relatively poor performers, do something well, something that comes from the heart. For that, each person deserves specific and genuine recognition, support, endorsement and appreciation. It's easy for most of us to recognise great employees; after all, they do great things. (Of course it's very possible that consistent and appropriate acknowledgement is one of the reasons they're doing great.) it takes a higher degree of insight to recognise latent talent in someone who has not yet been mentored.

The people who make the most favourable impacts on me are those few who have noticed qualities in me and merits in what I've done and the way I do it that no-one else has picked up on, or that even I hadn't been aware of. I had several such a tutors at drama school (NIDA). I get a really warm realisation that such a person has really been paying attention and found genuine merit in what I have on offer. I'd walk barefoot over stony ground for that kind of appreciation. So would you. Unfortunately it's a rare experience because so few people do it

Relatively few of us bother to find genuine reasons to praise the person who simply meets standards. But those who do, know that a few words of recognition--especially when that recognition is publicly given--could just be the nudge that inspires an average performer to work at ways of surpassing themselves.

Remarkably, people who Give can often see potential for excellence in another person before that person sees it in him/herself. I think they're able to do that because they're wired in to Possibility. They live their lives in an open context that picks up subtler signals. The recognition they sow may just provide a spark that motivates another to reach into his/her full potential. There's something catchy about a culture that celebrates even small break-throughs.

2. They give the Gift of Receiving, or Requesting Help. 

I had an experience a couple of weeks ago when a local candidate in the upcoming State Government election knocked on my door and asked if there were any issues I wanted to talk to her about. I was surprised and pleased that she was taking the trouble to get out amongst her constituents. My gratitude was short-lived. Every time I started a sentence, a key word triggered her “Ah, I know what he's talking about now” response, and she started over-talking me. Time and time again. After about 6 minutes and five unsuccessful attempts to finish one particular sentence, I thanked her for her time, and bade her goodbye.

Because we all are able to think many times faster than we can speak, most of us fall into the trap of listening to another for just as long as it takes to work out what we think they're about to say, and we then spend our time working out what we're going to say next, just as soon as the other pauses for breath. But this woman didn't even wait that long – she just started talking right over the top of me. And she had no idea from the body language I purposely gave her that she wasn't cutting through. She just had to keep talking. But then, before politics, she used to be a lawyer.

Pretending to listen won't do it. Just watch someone like Simon Birmingham on a panel show; there's something vaguely creepily patronising about the way he looks at a speaker. It's all for show.

When you genuinely ask for help, however, several things happen. You implicitly show you respect the person whose insights and assistance you're seeking. You show that you respect that person's experience, skill, intuition and/or wisdom. And you show you trust that other person, since by asking for help you make yourself vulnerable. But then generous people know that true strength lies inside the one place most people won't venture --- vulnerability. Yes, strength, might and vulnerability work in ways opposite to what's accepted as “common knowledge” It's why the lives of tyrants have always ended badly – but bullies never seem to learn.

While it's relatively easy to ask for general help, it's harder to ask for help when the assistance wanted is personal. Both parties have to risk vulnerability.

Remarkably generous people frequently ask for help, in part because they're aware that they don't know everything, and partly because they realise the person who provides that help receives a lot in return in terms of self-respect, self-esteem, self-worth and feeling they now have a stake in someone and something worth the while. Such people engender trust in others. When you generously ask for assistance, you offer others the opportunity to receive one of the greatest gifts of all: knowing that, at least for a moment today, they made a difference in your life.

Let others make a difference in your life, then watch the blessings begin to flow.

3. They give the Gift of Forbearance. 

For some people, we're willing to give our all. Why? Because we know they care about us, they believe in us, we believe in them, and we don't want to let them down. Patience says “no” to contraction. Patient forbearance opens space. Showing patience is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly care about them. Showing patience and expressing genuine confidence and trust in another's ability to work through own challenges is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly believe in them.

Showing patience is a remarkable gift—because by putting someone else's agenda a little ahead of your own, ultimately, it shows how much you care. It shows once again that you're prepared to make space in your life for that person to achieve success.

4. They give the Gift of Privacy. 

We are all, at our deepest core, inseparably connected, and what ever we do affects everyone and everything, so to a greater or lesser degree, everyone shares. Non-invasive sharing forms an essential part of a healthy emotional, psychological, social, spiritual and even intellectual life. With the explosion of social media, most people “share”, “like” and “tweet”. For better and for worse, lives have increasingly become open books. Gradually, we've come to feel we have a right to know more about others than we ever did.

But our right to intrude, particularly in the lives and affairs of public figures, is balanced by their rights to privacy. And there are times when my “right to know” is akin to having the “right of way” on a public road – it may exist in theory, it may even exist in legislation, but if the other person doesn't give me the right of way, I don't get it. There's a prang.

Well, often we don't have a right to pry---simple as that. Often, in order for the social areas of our lives to function healthily, we and others also have a balancing right to privacy. Part of developing relationship skills and growing into a mature social adult involves learning to separate our own life responsibilities from other people's life responsibilities – “Whose task is this? Social evolution invites us to mind our own business, learn not intrude on other people's responsibilities and never allow another person to intrude on your responsibilities. Politicians are masters of crossing this last line – “Elect me and I'll do it for you”. The greatest casualty of allowing this to happen is your freedom. Alexander the Great, the man who cut the legendary Gordian Knot declared that destiny is something that is brought about by clearing away one's own stuff with one's own sword, and empowering others to clear their own stuff with whatever weapons they have.

How do you decide where the responsibilities lie and where the boundaries are? Ask yourself “Who will reap the ultimate benefit of this activity?” The ultimate benefactor is the one whose task it is.

It comes down again to Respect: self respect in claiming personal space, and respect for others in giving it. Often the best gifts we can give another are the gift of responsibility and the gift of privacy, of not asking, not prying; not intruding--yet being available if and when another person does want or need to share their private stuff with you.

Separating life responsibilities in areas like career, family, relationships and social life does wonders for everyone's personal authority, autonomy and freedom.

Giving-oriented people not only respect another person's privacy, they help them guard it--because they realise it's not always necessary to know every detail about another in order to give care to him/her. Paradoxically, genuinely generous people are very good at minding their own business and communicating their own boundaries. I treat people who pry without permission with the utmost suspicion. And sometimes a stern warning lecture on Boundaries.

5. They give the Gift of Opportunity. 

Every task, every job, every challenge has the potential to lead to greater things. That's the very essence of the game. Every participant in the game has the potential, both professionally and personally, to accomplish greater things (note my deliberate uses of the comparative form). We have the ability always do better today than we did yesterday. Always. We humans invented concepts like “next” and “before”, “tomorrow” and “yesterday” so that we can measure how we're progressing with our current opportunities.

Remarkably giving leaders are a bit like actively creative parents. They take the time to develop colleagues, not just for the role they're currently doing, but also for a role they someday hope to land, even if that job is with another company. Remarkably giving people take the time to help another person to find what they want to achieve in life, and give them provocation and practice in seizing opportunities by throwing challenges in their way.

When I worked at Lifeline, I felt honoured to be in the company of many people who were cultivating their ability to feel with another person's pain and help them work through that pain. A few, a special few, have the ability to sense another person's dreams and help them work towards those dreams--and to help open doors that might otherwise have remained closed. The whole thrust of Lifeline's counselling process is to accompany each caller to a space where they can see a desirable opportunity that is within their immediate reach.

6. They give the Gift of Sincerity. 

By “sincerity”, I mean a state of being that is free of any duplicity, pretence or deceit. An action that is fully integral and free of dissimulation, overt or covert, is called “sincere”.

Two of the opposites of Sincerity are Political Correctness and Lip Service. Lip service is easy to pay; anyone can do it, and all of us do at one time or another. Acquired professionalism often masks lip-servers. But the fact that they get paid for doing it makes no difference whatsoever to the hollowness of their masking. 

Much more rare are the people who can be highly professional yet also openly human. These are the people who are actually talented at their chosen profession. Instead of using their position as a hide or refuge, these people use their profile in the community to actively evolve, themselves and everything around them. (Being professional or being an amateur is no indicator of whether or not anyone is actually suited for what they're doing. I've met many more amateurs doing more good in the community than so-called leaders who get paid – sometimes obscene sums – for what they purport to do.)

Giving people are willing to show, and sometimes unable to hide, sincere excitement when things go well. They intentionally and naturally show sincere appreciation for hard work and extra effort. They're willing to reveal sincere disappointment in themselves when they fail those who look to them, and openly set about cleaning up when they mess up. They're leading by example – it's OK to mess up; it's not kosher to leave the clean-up to someone else. Then they openly celebrate what went right, and what everybody learned from the whole process. They openly feel with their fellow man. To them, everyone, including those they don't like, is a comrade. They openly concern themselves in anything from which they will reap a direct outcome. In short, they're palpably human. Remarkably giving people combine a brisk blend professionalism with a healthy dose of humanity--and more importantly allowing other people to do the same makes them irresistible go-to people.

6. They give the Gift of Tough Love. 

They have a very clear vision of the differences between “support” and “agreement”.

I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Some of us really want to be better than we are, and are prepared to do something about that. But we all fall into unhealthy habits, fall into patterns of unmindful thinking, feeling and doing that contract upon vitality, We develop blind spots, and that's why we all need constructive feedback and provocation from outside.

We all need advice, guidance, and sometimes a swift kick in the pants or a good slap awake. It's just too easy to make one-off comments. It's relatively easy to provide watery, politically corrected feedback during structured periodic evaluations, but they are rarely transformative in any way. It's a lot tougher, and requires the courage to be disliked, to sit someone down and say in firm kindness, "I know you're capable of a lot more, and here's how. It's your choice, but if you're up for the challenge, I'll follow through with you until you get it." Such people give the gift of Possible Growth – the basis of life. In this respect, untalented leaders actually spread confusion, doldrums, jealousy, resentment and the eventual death of whatever it is they're supposed to be responsible for. And they're very quick to blame anyone or anything else for their failures.

Think about a time when a remarkably giving person told you what you least wanted to hear and yet most needed to hear in that moment. Think about a time when a remarkable person challenged you to require more of yourself. You've never forgotten what they said, nor the way that they said it, have you? It changed your life. Don't you think it's time you paid that forward? Or are you happy to let an investment someone once made in you die for lack of nurturing.

If you can't remember such a person or moment, you might like to look around for different people to run with.

The gauntlet I throw down to you is to go change someone's life, starting with your own. Teach your inner critic how to do his/her work kindly, firmly and with empathy for the thoughts, attitudes and experiences that led you to the learning experiences you're now facing. First be your own best parent, your own mentor. When you prove you can empower yourself, then be available to sharing what you've learned – when you're asked.

8. They give the Gift of Respect (here's that word again!) 

The 80/20 Principle means that most employees aren't outstanding - yet. Some are far from it. Maybe they aren't as smart. Maybe they don't work as hard. Maybe they aren't as skilled. Maybe they make bigger mistakes. (Some employees ultimately deserve to be let go, an action that may prove to be the turning point they've been waiting for.)

Let's assume for the moment that every person on earth has the right, and the ability, to live up to their unique potential. I learned this from working with “handicapped” people, and was astounded at how happy most of them were! Fulfilling our best possible self is an essential ingredient of contented Happiness. Giving leaders hold themselves and others accountable to that ever-expanding standard of full potential self.

Now every individual bears the sole responsibility for the way they play the life cards they were dealt with, and it's no-one else's right to interfere. Really. This falls into the realm of “mind your own business”. But giving leaders train themselves to sit down with their colleagues and ask “Do you want to do better?” If the answer is “Yes” – game on. If it's a “No”, walk away, without recrimination. For lots of people, the time is “Not yet”.

Regardless of their level of performance, all employees deserve to be treated with respect. Sarcasm, eye rolling, bullying and biting comments all chip away at at least two person's self-respect – theirs and yours. Yes, yours. You had no idea about that? Yes, well empowered and empowering people are acutely aware of the two-way flow of Consequence. And now you know. And in case you didn't recognise it, that was a potentially empowering poke in the ribs – from me.

Remarkably giving people allow others to maintain a sense of dignity even in the worst of circumstances. They're only able to do that because they have first developed a keen sense of self-respect. They know that nobody has ever been able to give away what they don't have. To give Respect, you must firstly have it. Without deep, genuine self-knowing, your displays of respect to others are shallow and phoney sycophancy – lip service.

I have had to fire people (and it's never easy), but I've never felt the need to demean or humiliate them while I'm doing it, and I sincerely hope I haven't.

9. They give the Gift of Freedom. 

For managers and supervisors there are often guidelines and rules of best practice and procedures to be adhered to, so most manager follow and enforce rules and procedures that will foster efficiency and productivity and, consequently, satisfaction.

But that's not enough. For most of us, engagement and satisfaction are largely based on autonomy and inter-dependence. You care the most about something when it's "yours", you feel you have moral and emotional ownership of the quality of effort you put in and the results you generate. You care the most when you feel you have the responsibility, flexibility, the blessing and authority to do the best you can.

Remarkably giving people create strong, well-delineated standards and guidelines but then go further and give employees the resources, autonomy and independence to work the way they work best within those guidelines. They allow employees to turn "I have to" into "I want to," which transforms what was just work into an act of creation; what was just a job into a personal project – something much more meaningful: an outward expression of each person's unique creativity, skills, talents, and experiences. Any workplace thus endowed by any one of its participants becomes a place that everyone in the group looks forward to getting involved in each day.

Yesterday, I went in to have my hearing aids cleaned at a shop in the Adelaide CBD. When I got there the shop was closed “For Lunch”. When I returned later, for the second time in a few months, I still couldn't get service because the lady who does that work was away sick – again. I know her; she's a lovely, healthy lady and very good at what she does, but her boss can best be described as a manipulative, smart-arsed bitch. I'm not surprised that her staff take “sickies”.

10. They give the Gift of Purpose, Commitment and Follow-Through. 

Fulfillment is often found in becoming a part of something bigger than yourself. People with a pulse love to feel that special sense of teamwork and togetherness and dynamism that turns a task into a quest, with a group of individuals who, under the guidance of a skilled coach, coalesce into a real team that is more than just the sum of its parts; a comm-unity that can achieve more than any one person can accomplish on his or her own

A few people (though obviously not as many as we'd like there to be) can write meaningful Culture and Mission statements. But far fewer still can create a mission that makes a real impact. Even tougher is finding someone who can show other people how what they do affects their customers, their business, their community ...and themselves. Mediocre managers take it for granted either that their charges somehow just “know”, or don't even think about it at all.

Remarkably giving people give the gift of caring--and the gift of knowing why caring beyond self is so important.

You, too, can be a benefactor. You don't have to be Bill Gates to make a real difference in this world. You have deep within you each and every one of these gifts. You don't have to manufacture them – they're within you – trust me on this. Find the faintest whispers of them, and start giving them to yourself. Then when you feel confident enough, practice sharing them with others quietly, in small ways at first. You will notice an immediate lift in your feeling of wellbeing. And let the process of becoming a Giver swell within you.

And the beauty of it is – giving of your self won't cost you a cent.