TRUST AND CONFIDENCE

TRUST AND CONFIDENCE

Quite some years ago I was doing serious inner work on Self-Trust, using as a guide a remarkable book by Ron Smothermon called “Transforming #1.” I was working my way up through his hierarchy of states of Integrity, and found myself stuck for several days at a point where, to rise out of states of Opposition and Disloyalty to the next level, I had to accept that I am not to be trusted. That wasn’t so bad; I could tell the truth of that to myself. But I baulked at the next bit --- the admission had to be declared to the last person on earth I wanted to know about it.

There was no doubt – that person would have to be my friend and mentor, Colin Hayes. My problem was that I was living in a community on his property just south of Perth, and I was afraid he’d tell me to leave. I was out of work at the time, and leaving would have put me out on the streets. Because I needed something from Colin, I could not take the risk of being honest with him. For several days I told myself “There’s no need to be THAT honest. Surely it’s enough if I tell the truth to myself!”

A week later I was still stuck, unable to move, until I could stand it no longer. Plucking up every ounce of courage I could muster, I walked into Colin’s house one morning. “I’ve got something important to tell you.” He looked up at me. “I have to tell you that you should not trust me.” Holding my gaze, he paused for a moment, then quietly said very matter-of-factly “I already know that. Anything else?”

“No. Thanks” And I walked out.

I’d gone but a few metres when something remarkable happened. A lightness flooded over and through me, as if a lifelong burden was being lifted and tension was leaving my body. In its place flushed in a realisation that sounded something like this – “If I had a friend who had the courage to tell me ‘I’m not to be trusted,’ I could trust someone with that kind of commitment to his truth and growth.”

 I discovered I could trust myself, completely. As long as I made a commitment to be honest and open about the times when I should not be trusted. Only then did I discover to my surprise that, when I declare that I’m going into one of my “Don’t trust me” zones and that I should be treated with caution, I’m suddenly free of any need to be un-trustworthy. How’s that for a miracle??

It was one of those truly changing moments in my life. I knew it then, and I know it still.

Since that day, though, another question has arisen for me to stand in – Is this about Trust? Or Confidence?

Is there a difference?

Say them out loud – I have trust.

                              I have confidence.

“I trust” rings a little less positively to me. Why?

While standing in this question a book called “The Courage to Be Disliked” [Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga] showed up, offering a significant possible  difference ---

Trust is conditional.

Confidence is unconditional.

SURRENDER

I’ve come to this point through a very deliberate commitment to live my life in a state of Surrender – a way of being in which I resolve to, as often as possible, engage creatively with what-is, exactly as it is. It’s a way of being that has got me off a lot of futile suffering I used to indulge in – 50-odd years of wishing that things were different, resisting things I didn’t agree with, and insisting on the ways I was sure things should be.

Guess how much joy and satisfaction trying to power my way through life like that delivered……????

Surrender doesn’t often appear on the Top 20 Ways to Live Lists, probably because it is usually confused with notions like “giving up” or “quitting”. As I see Surrender, however, it’s actually the polar opposite of chucking in the towel. During the process of being born, I encountered some difficulties with an inexperienced doctor. From that moment on I decided, “If I survive this idiot, with my life, I’m gonna live it as fully as I can until the man in the white coat calls Time.”

My version of Surrender means accepting oneself as-is, seeing other people and situations as they actually are, and making myself actively and creatively available for play with Acceptance and Courage.

In surrender we can grapple directly with the truth of the thing. No need for false optimism, hopes or faith. No more standing in front of the bathroom mirror intoning “Every day in every way……..” and waiting for Godot to come back.

TRUST

Trust is a state of reliance on the integrity, justice, etc., of a person, or on some quality or attribute of a thing. It differs from Confidence in that conditions are involved – [I trusted you and you betrayed me!!!]

Kishimi and Koga use the analogy of going to a bank for a loan. The loan manager does an assessment of the applicant’s personal and financial resources, and advances as much money as he decides the applicant can repay.

Consciously or otherwise, we do the same thing with our trust, we handle it like the bank manager dispenses credit – How much is this person good for if I decide ‘You owe me back’? And most times we under-research and overestimate our friends’ capacities to repay our “trust”. We also fail to spell out in advance what actually we expect and will be prepared to accept as “adequate value” in repayment. It’s all left very airy-fairy – until we feel we’ve been cheated. Then watch how specific we get!!!

CONFIDENCE

Coming from a ground-being of self-reliance, assurance, or boldness. Confidence is an innate, unconditional belief in the long-term trustworthiness or reliability of a person or group, a state of affairs or a thing.

No set conditions.

Without confidence, a satisfactory social or community life is just not possible.

Is Trust a necessary precursor to Confidence?

No.

As I said before, I don’t always trust myself but, as Maria sings in “The Sound of Music”, I do have over-arching confidence in Me. I feel the same way about many others. I find confidence possible when I know a thing or a person or a group well enough to pinpoint circumstances or occasions where they might not be trusted. It helps if you know the Laws of Duality. Until I get to know a person or group of people well enough, I give them my confidence (for free), and leave any questions around Trustworthiness open to the effluxion of time, tests and intimacy. Because I don’t expect any body to not to have hidden opposites, I rarely get bent out of shape when a contradiction arises and a person does something sometimes described by people who didn’t know that person very well at all as “out of character”. For me it’s just a case of “Oh, there it is!” and make a note to remember Beware! Unstable ground here. Instead of being upset, I’m more relieved.

“But how can you have unconditional confidence in people? Some of them will take advantage of you!” Yes, of course they will. It’s a consequence of duality that it’s not only possible; it’s probable. But if you take it personally, you’re buggered; you’ve handed authorship of the moment over to them, and because their expectations are different to yours, they may not even understand why you’re hurt and what you’re on about.

I’m able to handle it firstly because of that changing moment decades ago as I was leaving Colin’s place when I realised I could trust myself. From that grew a quiet, inner confidence in my insight and ability to deal creatively with people when they “flip”. Continuing to give space to others, even when they “betray” you is a valuable part of “self-confidence”, and it’s a product of Surrender. It’s also the best known antidote to “self-doubt”. 

If you shy away from the challenge of having confidence in yourself and others, in the long run, you’ll never have a satisfactory relationship with anyone – yourself included.

Looking at it from the point of view of the one who has “betrayed” you – if their behaviour is met with understanding and a clear communication that taking advantage of you was something they chose to do, and that they’ve crossed a boundary, what are the chances they might do it to you again? Fairly low in my experience.

If, however, you meet betrayal with self-doubt you’ll soon have “users” lining up to get to know you. It’s inevitable because any skerrick of doubt in you will have you looking over your shoulder, certain that everyone is out to get me. You might as well have a neon sign hovering above your head – Come and Get Me. On the other hand, if you meet betrayal with unconditional confidence you’ll sow the seeds of deeper, horizontal relationship.

I guess it’s possible to go through life skating across thin relationships that need little courage; at least the pain of separations are slight. But is a flat, two-dimensional life experience really why you went to all the trouble of being born and growing up?

Really?

Bottom line here – it’s an essential task of being human that you learn how to manage relationships. Being born into a family and tribe pretty much made sure of that. And that means that, sometime or other, you’re going to get hurt.

People who can’t face being hurt never grow up. How do you best deal with hurt when it arises? The secret is simple – do the one thing you’ve never tried yet. If you find yourself hurting, experience the hurt to your heart’s content. Instead of acting-out and dumping it on others (NOT-experiencing), just be with it for as long as it takes to burn itself out. Practise handling hurt, sadness and disappointment, and give your growing children training in Risk Managing and Hurt Handling. That will prevent them going into the world as naïve emotional dimwits. The training you give them will build up their self-acceptance and confidence immeasurably, and along the way grow enough courage to Trust.

Unconditional confidence creates mates, except occasionally. It’s the “except occasionally” bit that introduces the element of risk and the need for courage. Yes…. 

Confidence requires courage.

Finally, a quick reminder about individual responsibility. If someone shafts you, that is his/her business.

If you decide there’s too little opportunity in a relationship to develop and practice trust or confidence, if you sincerely feel it’s not worth your while making your relationship with this person better, sever the relationship. That’s your business.