ESCAPING THE LIE CALLED "I CAN'T COPE"

PAUSE A MOMENT

ESCAPING THE LIE CALLED “I CAN'T COPE”

[First broadcast on the 5^th October, 2013]

Hello again. Welcome now to Pause a Moment. For the last couple of months since I first posed for myself the context for this show tonight, I've been wallowing through rolling waves of “I can't cope”. Even with the life jackets and floaties I've acquired over the last 3 decades, it has still been rough and I've swallowed a lot of water. But I'm coming through. May I now share with you some of the channels I've been through in my way out of this whirlpool?

[Sad Blues – James Morrison (A)]

Fade under>>>>

You know, sometimes life just gets too weighed down...too busy...and too complicated. We react a bit like touching a hot stove, contracting our being and buying once more into the thought “I can't cope” and to feeling Inadequate and Despairing/Frustrated/Anxious.... what are your favourite flavours? Mine are Inadequacy, Grief and Hurt – how's that for a powerful recipe for powerlessness?

We don't mean for any of this to happen, but “I can't cope” is a self-fulfilling lie that got believed as if it’s Truth an installed as a virus into our operating programming. “I Can't Cope” is a mindset that gets surreptitiously installed in the background over several years, and we wake up one morning to discover the fun has slipped away and, for some reason we're not sure of, we're dreading the day ahead, and that this encroaching darkness has been going on unnoticed for some time.

I've told you the story before of the twin boys who, on their 8^th birthday, found their bedrooms piled high with horse manure. One went to his mother, loudly wailing “My room's full of pooh!” The other started excavating his pile, muttering “There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!” Same circumstances; different mindsets, different responses (different results).

Right now, just be with the thought for a moment – “I can’t cope”. Say it to yourself 2 or 3 times. I can’t cope …. I can’t cope ….. I can’t cope. What does it feel like. What emotions or body sensations arise when you tell yourself “I can’t cope”? Do you feel good about yourself? Do you start dredging up events from the past that “prove” I can’t cope? Or does another, disapproving voice jump in with something like That’s bullshit! When Aunty Flo fainted last Christmas, you were the one who……

Stop.

Let all of that go.

Just be still for a moment with that thought – I can’t cope. Allow any feelings or images that arise. Don’t interfere; don’t ty to fix anything. Just watch what happens. Allow any urges to run away from this or take action of some sort, but this time – do nothing. Let them come and let them be. Just watch them. Do nothing. Just notice what happens when you leave them alone.

Like all mindsets, “I can't cope” defines and limits your experience; it shapes and colours what is real and just-so for you.  And it blinds you to other possibilities and choices that are passing you by, vainly hoping you’ll notice.

But, since you are the author of your mindsets, you can un-set them, and so open your eyes, ears, mind and heart to more realities and possibilities that have been hovering around you for decades just waiting for you to notice them. When alternate realities do come into focus, you can swap your current one for others that look more likely to take you where you want to go. If you were to set about changing your mindset from “I can't cope” to something more constructive and in line with other available experiences, then your reality will change, mostly of its own accord.

So, why is it so difficult to let go of thoughts and feelings that are dragging us under? In my experience, and I’m speaking from first-hand knowing here, there are 6 main reasons people hang on to an “I can't cope” view of life:

1.  There's some perceived payoff in it. The expected rewards are as diverse as the people involved, and the payoff may not even be real. All of us have spent time hanging onto old habits that no longer work in the hope that “one day it will work again”. In general, though, by acting and feeling inadequate, the victim is keeping, or attempting to keep, some willing “helpers” on the end of a very short leash. It's an unhealthy control game to satisfy a healthy human need – the need for Connection. [I have to play the victim here, otherwise they’ll leave me.] There surely has to be a better way than this……..

2. We palely loiter, without intent, too long in a past event or circumstance, in a time when we felt powerfully overwhelmed and got sold of the idea that we were not “up to it”. For example, somewhere in my past (birth) I came down the tube face-first and got faced – literally – with a pair of forceps that pushed me back into the bag. I put it together in that moment “I can't cope with this.” Of course I don't consciously remember doing it because I didn't have verbal language at the time to peg it with, but my emotional and sense memories are 20/20. Then I met my father who lost no opportunities to tell me that I was useless and good for nothing. In his ham-fisted attempts to motivate me, he could hardly have done a better job reinforcing my adopted self-belief of Inadequacy. Ever since then I’ve unwittingly created situations that, like my birth, put me into overwhelming crises which quickly evoked the thought I can’t cope. Now, over 70 years later, I will still occasionally encounter moments that enable me to react with some of those original sensations and experiences that flowed from Parent Thoughts of “Helplessness” and “Inadequacy”. Emotionally I'm right back there in the birth canal, struggling and panicking. Not as intensely, of course – I’ve done the work. But traces still linger like a bad smell in wet weather. Ridiculous, huh? 70 years old and I’m still struggling to get born! It doesn't matter that I DID survive my birth; I did cope. My head knows that, but something else in me didn't get the message, and still doesn't in times of extreme stress. I shake, get confused and my breathing gets short, sharp and shallow. But then, perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be? Perhaps God asked the question – What's it like to live life thinking you can't cope with life? Answer – Me – and my experiences. “I can't cope” isn't a fact, it's a “what-if” that sets up a way of seeing things to experience life from that point of view. [The good news is that these instinctual reactions don’t last long; there are ways I have learned to pause, manage the reactions and respond more appropriately. I’m getting to that.]

3. While some no-copers live, like my example just then, in the past, some live in the Future, paralysed by their fears of what “might” happen. Our minds can't tell the difference, you know. A vividly imagined “might-dread” of some future possibility has exactly the same effect on us as a real here-and-now crisis. Which takes me directly to the fourth reason people think they can't cope......

4. Our confidence takes a smack; our level of self-esteem drops. A fallacious idea called “I'm Not Good Enough” reigns supreme. We become victims of our own self-proving unhelpful self-talk. We think we can't cope, so we get to experience the dreads, the disappointments, and the judgments of not-coping, and life delivers us situations that give us practice in proving I can’t cope; I’m not good enough. That's how powerful we are. We – powerful people - create ourselves as powerless, and we all, without exception, prove ourselves right – See? I told me so!

5. A lot of No-Copers have a problem with unrealistic expectations – of themselves, of others and of the world in general. We set up hopes and prospects for ourselves based on a flawed perception of what’s “normal” for others. We're chronically wearied of ever meeting our own high standards. I'm not good enough is joined by This isn't as it should be”. Self-imposed expectations that aren't met by the actuality add to the weight of powerlessness we feel. We can be very adept at torturing ourselves.

6. We can't laugh at ourselves. Instead of having a problem, we make ourselves into, and become the problem. We lose our sense of being an identity on one hand, and having a problem on the other hand, and hence all sense of proportion. Laughing gets it back. My theory is that we cannot laugh at something from inside it. Laughter happens when we step outside, step back and, in context, see the absurdity of it.

[Dreams Are Forever – TSO (A)]

Arpeggio, then under>>>

While still babies, and being too undeveloped to appreciate what we really are, we grossly underestimated our Self and identified with many kinds of limiting conditions, including the Conditions of Lack and Loss. We went “Yep, that's me”, jumped into it, and got slowly sucked down into a deepening quicksand. Adding to the weight, we replaced any sense of self that might have survived with Self-Rightness and Self-Importance (I'm too special to feel this way! And since I’m right, they are wrong and have to change). And we've been proving our faulty conclusions right ever since.

So very, very right, but not happy.

OK. How do we get out?

Well, as with most solutions that have found a problem, there are easy ways and hard ways, simple ways and complicated ways to do the journey. Now, I could just tell you the simple ways, but that’s highly unlikely to work, because that would be treating you as unable to figure it out for yourself and I’d actually further feeding your certainty about I can’t cope. You do have to “get it” for yourself. But I can point to it – with this conundrum –

[Swara-Kakali – Ravi Shankar & Yehudi Menhuin]

Hold under>>>>

Q: A goose has been raised inside a large glass jar. Now it has grown too large for the jar. How do you remove the goose, without damaging either the goose or the jar?

A: [Snap your fingers] The goose is out.

OK, that's the simple, easy way. Don't worry if you don't get it immediately – very few people do. It took me quite a while to get it completely. That's because we try to solve it rationally. Sorry, logic and reason won't work this one. Problems that were not reasoned into cannot be reasoned out of. You have to get out the same way you came in.  But you will get it one day... that's a guarantee.

The goose is out: . (Maybe it was never in in the first place. Maybe you and I were both mistaken about that?)

Fortunately, there's another way – slower, but it has also worked for me and for others too.

So here goes....

To begin, identify from this list which things that are stressing you out right now --

•    Physical environment

•    Emotional environment

•    Mental environment

•    Family, Social, Financial, Career environments

•    Life transitions & physical, geographic & lifestyle changes – eg. When my Mum died, I changed jobs and moved from Gippsland to Adelaide, all within the space of a few months, I nearly went under….

•    Thoughts and feelings we harbour. Persistent self-talk/dialogue.

•    Roles we've taken on.

If you're stressing out for more than a few hours, talk to somebody.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP FROM APPROPRIATE PEOPLE.

Close friends are a good place to look. Be careful with relatives, or casual acquaintances, though, where there may be too much risk of the Helper/Helped Game coming into play, and/or roles getting confused. I learned this at a critical point in my mid-twenties when I found myself caught in an impending emotional, relationship and career trainwreck. I turned for help to a friend of a few years – Eric Stevenson – who at the time was a chaplain and consultant with the Methodist Department of Christian Citizenship, where I also was working as PR manager. When he got the gist of what was happening with me he said, “I’d really like to help you, but to do that, I’d lose you as a friend. I don’t want that to happen.” He didn’t leave me stranded, though. He referred me to a specialist who, rather brutally I thought at the time, booted me sidewise onto a parallel path through a new inward adventure that’s brought me to here now.

Asking for help is not a weakness; it's intelligent. It's not selfish either; it's giving to another the gift of your receiving and allowing them to feel useful by giving of their time and the wisdom of their experience.

No-one can do your journey for you, nor are they supposed to. But another perceptive person can reflect you to yourself from a different perspective. Such a person may, whether meaning to or not, challenge you to look at things differently from your usual viewpoint. A truly experienced person will, with your willingness, actually shift you to another point of view where you will see your predicament quite differently. These kinds of revelations can, with your willing co-operation, transform your experience beyond all recognition.

In the meantime you can, and I strongly recommend that you do begin to help yourself. Begin with the basics. If you don't have a regular pattern of restorative, natural sleep, see your GP and get to work on that. Reduce your intake of alcohol and caffeine. Look inside your fridge; what are you eating? Human bodies work like computers – Garbage In/Garbage Out.

The same applies to your mind. Become more aware of the patterns of thoughts you habitually entertain. What kinds of TV shows do you watch? What makes up most of the your discourse on social media? How we interpret life events has a huge bearing on how much stress and inadequacy we experience. Self-defeating interpretations can produce high and unhealthy levels of stress and anxiety, and cause paralysis of problem solving or decision making. Constructive interpretations help to build and maintain healthy and useful levels of stress which permit and promote insight and coping.

Self-defeating choices start a vicious downward spiral: Low-grade interpretations rob you of room to move and lead to heavier levels of stress and anxiety, which make for difficulties in coping, which in turn lower your perceptions and interpretations even lower, leading to higher levels of dread and worry, leading to more difficulty in coping..... and so on, spiralling downward.

TO REVERSE THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL...... here are some things you can do right now...

•    Consider that your history is nothing to be ashamed of. Your story is something that at any time you can walk out of and leave behind; I suggest you do. There's nothing back there worth wrecking your life for, unless you absolutely insist. Fine. But give yourself permission in the future to change your mind.

•    Become more aware of the fine details of how you react to current events. Catch the automatic self-talk in your head. Just notice it.

•    Stop. Do nothing.

•    Postpone major life changes.

•    Allow any inner conflicts that bubble up to percolate. Give them space and just watch. Don't interfere unless your safety is in jeopardy.

•    Challenge the validity of what your demons are saying. Either about you or directly to you. Are they true, or only partly so? In the spaces between the internal badmouthing, allow modified ideas to occur to you. If none come immediately, leave the space blank.

•    Gently dismantle the errors in your head. They are only ideas ABOUT a particular perception of you; they are not all you are. If you let them be, they will eventually let you be. When they subside, as they will if you don’t feed them energy, substitute kinder and more constructive ideas.

•    Do things you enjoy, as well as the things you must do. In the things you must do, find bits you can actually enjoy.

In moments of crisis or decision-making, ask yourself the following questions ---

➔   What would a person with NO confidence do in these circumstances?

➔   What would a person with HEAPS of confidence do in these circumstances?

➔   What am I doing right now?

➔   Without, for a moment or two, limiting yourself with the “How” of it, What possible moves can I see available to me? (Allow yourself some time with this one. Play with it).

➔   Then, from that list – Assuming that a way to make it happen will open up after I first make this choice -- which one appeals to me the most right now?

➔   What is one thing I can do right here and now that will take me one step closer to that?

➔   When will I do that? (commit yourself to an exact time and date, please.)

I'll return in a moment after thanking some sponsors for their support of this radio station. I have a relaxation meditation ready for you. It will take about 15 minutes, so  you might like to get comfortable on a chair, and have a piece of paper handy, too. No pen, just a piece of paper. I’ll be back in a moment....

CARTS

Welcome back to Pause a Moment. Are you settled comfortably? A piece of paper handy? Yes, that's all you need tonight to break decades of feeling you can't cope. Expect nothing less than a miracle right here and now. The only other thing you need is your whole-hearted Willingness to let go of feeling helpless and gladly step up to full responsibility for creating what you want. OK. Let's go!

[Carry That Weight – Capella Istroplitana]

Fade Under>>>>

A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water. She was leading a group and explaining stress management to them.  Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'Is the glass half empty or half full?'... She fooled us all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged all over the scale from half a kilo downwards.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't actually matter much. The heaviness depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I try to hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. And that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.”

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed we can, if it’s necessary, carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Leave them for your subconscious to sort out overnight, and pick them up again tomorrow, if you have to. Sometimes, when you wake up, the solutions will be there, ready for you, conjured overnight by the magic elves of your subconscious.

[Black Moon Dance –Enigma]

Bring up under<<<<

RELAX

(1) It may help if you close your eyes now. Breathe in, hold your breath and count to 5, then breathe out and say the word “relax” to yourself in a calm, soothing manner.

(2) Start breathing in through your nose, and out slowly through your mouth in a 6-second cycle. Breathe in (nose) for 3 seconds and out (mouth) for 3 seconds. This will produce a breathing rate of 10 breaths per minute. When you're doing this on your own, it can be helpful to time your breathing using the second hand of a watch or clock. Do this for at least 5 minutes, or until the symptoms of over-breathing have settled.

MUSCLE TENSION EXERCISE

When you're feeling anxious, your muscles become tense. When your muscles remain tensed for long periods, you can start to develop aches and pains, fatigue, headaches and difficulty breathing.

Take a minute or two to do this exercise with me now, it will help you experience for yourself how muscle tension can cause you pain and fatigue. And the experience of this next couple of minutes will awaken a particular awareness that could well save your life....

(1) Firstly, experience for yourself the story about the glass of water that I told you a moment ago. Grab that piece of paper in your hand and stretch it out in front of you.

(2) Keep holding the paper without moving your arm (2 mins)

OK. Lower your arm now. You will probably notice that your arm feels tired, and may even have started to ache in places. Imagine now how your arm would feel if you held that piece of paper out there for a number of hours. Does it seem tantamount to torture? Although the piece of paper is not heavy, keeping your muscles tense over time can, and does, cause you pain, fatigue and a raft of mental and emotional squalls. And no-one else is doing this stressing to you but you.

MUSCLE RELAXATION EXERCISE

Sitting comfortably? Tense each of your muscle groups for 10 seconds, then relax for 10 seconds, in the following order:-

•    Hands – clench your hands into fists, then relax.

•    Lower arms – bend your hands up at the wrists, then relax.

•    Upper arms – bend your arms up at the elbow, then relax.

•    Shoulders –  lift your shoulders up, then relax.

•    Neck – stretch your neck gently to the left, then forward, then to the right, then backwards in a slow rolling motion, then bring head upright and relax.

•    Forehead & scalp – raise your eyebrows, then relax.

•    Eyes – close your eyes tightly, then relax.

•    Jaw – clench your teeth, then relax.

•    Chest – breathe in deeply, then breathe out and relax.

•    Stomach – pull your tummy in, then relax.

•    Upper back – pull your shoulders forward, then relax.

•    Lower back – while sitting, tilt your pelvis forward, then back, then relax.

•    Buttocks – tighten your buttocks, then relax.

•    Thighs – push your feet firmly into the floor, then relax.

•    Calves – lift your toes off the ground, then relax.

•    Feet – gently curl your toes down, then relax.

[A Place in Heaven – Thomas Bergerson – 4:20]

Hold under.......

Continue breathing slowly, and just enjoy the feeling of relaxation. The more you do this exercise, the more proficient you will become, and your level of underlying static tension will decrease, improving your sleep and digestion and moods. You'll also become aware of tension that creeps into certain body parts during the day and you will relax those parts as you go about your daily activities.

And one day down the track you may realise with surprise – I haven’t heard from “I can’t cope” lately.

Lastly, lighten up. See the funny side...

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue! This way you can acquire empathy.

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them later.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * Remember - the second mouse gets the cheese. The first one trips the trap.

13 * When everything's coming your way, consider “Am I in the wrong lane?”

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today, even if it was only me.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

Fade up to End

          Oh, I nearly forgot – the best cure for our inadequacies is to laugh at them, and at yourself. We are God's joke, you know. Yes, us. Think about it.

[The Joker – Anthony Newley – 3:49]