BEAT THE BULLYING

PAUSE A MOMENT

BEAT THE BULLYING

Good evening. Welcome now to Pause a Moment. My name is Barrie Barkla, and tonight I will explore with you a subject dear to my heart – Bullying. Are you a bully, or a Victim? Well, the short answer is “Yes. Both.” If you get that – good. Find something else to do for the next 40 minutes. If not – come with me – I'll show you...

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. For behavior to be classified as “bullying”, it must be repeated, or have the potential to be repeated, over time. The behaviour, though almost as old as life on earth, is reprehensible in a civilised society because both those people who are bullied and those who bully others are desperately unhappy and may develop serious, lasting, even fatal health problems.

[Van der Valk – City of Prague Philharmonic]

Interestingly I think, the word "bully" was first used in the 1530s meaning "sweetheart", applied to either sex, from the Dutch boel = "lover, brother". Bullying as an expression of Love? Now there's a subject for contemplation! 

The meaning of “bully” deteriorated through the 17th century through "fine fellow", to "blusterer", to "harasser of the weak". This may have been as a connecting sense between "lover" and "ruffian" as in "protector of a prostitute". Psychologically, bullying partly has its roots in sorting the social pecking order. Contenders for the topdog positions of alpha male and female compete in fights and dispays of aggression. Primitive stuff, based on aggression, sexual dominance and sheer survival of the loudest poser.

Bullying in the modern sense is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively impose domination over others. The behavior is repeated and habitual, and it's addictive – especially for the bully, but sometimes also, I contend, for the person being bullied. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power. Behaviours used to maintain that imbalance and assert domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault, emotional and social manipulation or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets. Targets are chosen either for their perceived threat to the bully's position or self-esteem, or because they're weak enough to make a safe demonstration of power to the mob. Justifications and rationalizations for such behavior sometimes include differences of class, race, religion, gender, sexuality, moral or social values, appearance, behavior, strength, size or ability. If bullying is done by a group, it is called “mobbing”."Targets" of bullying are conveniently referred to as "victims" of bullying.

[On the Inside – Lynne Hamilton]

Direct bullying, in schools and closed institutions particularly, involves a great deal of physical aggression, such as shoving and poking, throwing things, slapping, choking, punching and kicking, beating, stabbing, pulling hair, scratching, biting, scraping, and pinching. Direct bullying was brought vividly to life in William Golding's book “Lord of the Flies”

Social aggression or indirect bullying is characterised by attempting to socially isolate the target. (Watch out for him – he's Trouble) This isolation is achieved through a wide variety of techniques, including spreading gossip, refusing to socialise with the target, spreading derogatory gossip about and bullying other people who appear to socialise with the target, and criticising the target's manner of dress, (Hijab), behaviour, demeanour and other socially-significant markers (including the target's race, religion, disability, sex, or sexual preference, etc.). There's also an armoury of nonviolent behaviour which can be considered "indirect bullying", such as name- calling, the silent treatment, arguing or flattering others into submission, manipulation, gossip/false gossip, lies, rumors/false rumors, staring, giggling, laughing at the target, saying certain words that trigger a reaction from a traumatic past event, and mocking. Beware a bully who wants to be friends with you – bullies have one hidden agenda, and one only = Control.

[Beautiful Friendship – Joe Chindamo & James Morrison]

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include an imbalance of power and repetition:

• An Imbalance of Power: People who bully use their superior power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, position in the organisation, or popular support—to control or harm others. Power struggles can get complicated because supremacy imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people. For example, I was bullied during the week at school by kids who were my friends at Sunday School. I couldn't understand that -- I didn't learn about duality for another 40 years.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once, or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse –

• emotional (sometimes called “relational”),
• verbal, and
• physical. 
  
  
  Adult bullying typically adds to the crude childhood and teenage mix of powermongering // quite subtle methods of coercion and intimidation, such as guilt-tripping, depowering by helping, and isolating socially, financially and emotionally. Really adept bullies can ply their obnoxious trade without their enablers and even their victims even realising they're being done like a Sunday dinner.

Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex controlling in which the bully may have one or more "lieutenants" - enablers who seem to be willing to allow or assist the primary bully in his or her activities, or at least even look the other way while it's going on. Bullies recruit willing drones who are consciously attracted to the bully by the promises of something they want and unconsciously by similar emotional baggage (eg. Bored and Lonely) 

 

A bullying culture can develop in any context in which human beings interact with each other. This includes school, family, the workplace, home, and neighbourhoods. Bullying within the ranks of school, institutions and the workplace is also referred to in polite academic circles, themselves hotbeds of bullying, as “peer abuse”. In a 2012 study of male adolescent football players, the strongest predictor of a bully-in-the-making was the perception of whether the most influential male in a player's life would approve of the bullying behavior.

Sub-groups of Bullying behaviour include, but are not limited to –

• Verbal bullying – saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
  • Teasing
  • Name-calling
  • Inappropriate sexual comments
  • Taunting
  • Threatening to cause harm
• Social bullying, sometimes referred to as “relational bullying”, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
  • Leaving someone out on purpose
  • Telling other children not to be friends with someone (incl. their own mother)
  • Spreading rumors about someone
  • Embarrassing someone in public

Parental Bullying

Parents who may displace their anger, insecurity, or a persistent need to dominate and control, upon their children in excessive ways have been proven to increase the likelihood that their own children will in turn become overly aggressive or controlling towards their peers.

Parents, if you suspect that your own children may be engaging in bullying activities amongst their peers, you should carefully consider your own contribution to the setting. Do you typically motivate your peers and your children with positive and self-confidence building incentives, or do you attempt to motivate your peers and children with character  denigration, or certain "threats" of one form of "punishment" or "reprisal" or another (emotional or physical blackmail) (Here comes a policeman!)

[Whistle While You Work – Marty Gold] 

Workplace bullying

Bullying in the workplace includes repeated verbal abuse, health-harming mistreatment, withholding of approval, affection, positive feedback, or conduct which is threatening, humiliating, harrassing, intimidating, or sabotage that interferes with someone's work, or some combination of the above. Statistics show that bullying is 3 times as prevalent as illegal discrimination and at least 1,600 times as prevalent as workplace violence. Statistics also show that while only one employee in every 10,000 becomes a target of workplace violence, one in six experiences bullying at work. 

 

Unlike the more physical form of school bullying, workplace bullying often takes place disguised as well-meaning/justified responses to trumped-up charges of insubordination --  within the established rules and policies of the organization and society. Such actions are not necessarily illegal and may not even be against the organisation's regulations; however, the damage to the targeted employee and to workplace morale is very real. Workplace bullying is more of a social and political problem than a legal one. Some bullies are very clever at staying within the rules. Everyone knows what they're up to, but standing up to them is just too difficult. Experienced bullies can even take you to court and win.

As the verb to bully is defined as simply "forcing one's way aggressively or by intimidation", the term may generally apply to any life experience where someone is motivated primarily by intimidation instead of by their pretended goals, such as mutually shared interests and benefits. As such, any figure of authority or power which may use intimidation as a primary means of motivating others, such as a neighbourhood "protection racket don", a national dictator, a childhood ringleader, a terrorist, a terrorist organization, or even a conniving control freak, could rightfully be referred to as a bully. No matter how old we get, we each face the possibility of being bullied any day of our lives.

• Cyberbullying - Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.
• Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
  • Hitting/kicking/pinching
  • Spitting
  • Tripping/pushing
  • Taking or breaking someone’s things
  • Making mean or rude hand gestures
    

Where and When Childhood Bullying Happens

Childhood Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage also happens in places like on the playground, in the streets or on public transport. It can also happen on the Internet.

Studies, and my own experience, have shown that envy, resentment or overwhelming guilt are three common motives for bullying. Research on the self-esteem of bullies has produced contradictory results (not surprising if you think about it). While some bullies are arrogant and narcissistic, other bullies also use bullying as a tool to conceal shame or anxiety or to boost a rotten self-esteem: by demeaning others, the abuser feels empowered. I know bullies who act out of jealousy, and others (like me) who bully because they themselves are bullied. Underdogs become topdogs, and wreak more havoc than their mentors ever did. Some have argued that a bully reflects the environment of his home, repeating the model he learned from his parents. There's a lot of anecdotal evidence for that!

Depression and personality disorders, as well as quickness to anger and to use force can lead to bullying. So can addiction to aggressive behaviors, mistaking others' actions as hostile, obsession with preserving self image (I've been maligned), and engaging in obsessive or rigid actions. A combination of any of these factors can be a cocktail lethal to one's equanimity. In one recent study of youth, a combination of antisocial traits and depression was found to be the best predictor of youth violence, whereas video game violence and television violence exposure were not predictive of these behaviors.

Bullies are often found to be inclined toward negativity and perform poorly academically; although I'm loth to speculate whether those drawbacks are the cause or the effect of their condition. Probably both. Certainly, a typical bully has trouble organising themselves, resolving problems with others and also has trouble academically. He or she usually has negative attitudes and beliefs about others, feels negatively toward himself/herself, comes from a family environment characterised by conflict and poor parenting, perceives school as negative and is negatively influenced by peers.

Contrarily, some researchers have suggested that some bullies are "psychologically strongest" and have "high social standing" among their peers, while their targets are "emotionally distressed" and "socially marginalised". Other researchers also argued that a minority of the bullies, those who are not in turn bullied, "enjoy going to school, and are least likely to take days off sick".

At the other end of the scale, a typical victim is likely to be passive/aggressive, lack social skills, think negative thoughts, experience difficulties in solving social problems, come from a negative family, school and community environments and be noticeably rejected and isolated by peers. 

 

It is often assumed that bullying behavior has its origin in childhood. As a child who is inclined to act as a bully ages, his or her related behavior patterns may also become more sophisticated. Schoolyard pranks and "rough-housing" may develop into more subtle activities such as administrative end-runs, planned and orchestrated attempts at character or career assassination, or other less obvious, yet equally forceful forms of coercion.

Research indicates that adults who bully have authoritarian personalities, combined with a strong need to be in control or dominate. But that doesn't stop some bullies from appearing in the guise of a Victim == what I call the Dominant Victim. Watch sickly pipsqueaks who seem to have everyone walking on eggshells and running at their beck and call. Jewish and Italian mothers have enshrined these monsters in every music-hall comedian's lexicon of jokes. Despite pretences to the contrary, Controllers have little empathy or respect for anyone else, especially those who cover and do their dirty work for them. To a bully, even disciples are expendable.

Of typical bystanders (The Stephen Syndrome)

[I'll Stand By == Tommy Dorsey]

Often bullying takes place in the presence of a large group of relatively uninvolved bystanders. In many cases, it is the bully's ability to create the illusion that he or she has the support of the majority present that instills the fear of "speaking out" in protest against the bullying activities being observed by the group. Make no mistake, bystanders bear equal personal responsibility for the bullying: their inaction enables it. Unless the "bully mentality" is effectively challenged in any given group in its early stages, it will usually become an accepted, supported, norm within the group, and damn near impossible to root out later. The group will eventually self-destruct, but what damage is done in the meantime?

In groups where the "bully mentality" has been allowed to become a dominant factor in the environment, injustice and abuse often become regular and predictable parts of the group experience. Bystanders to bullying activities are often unable or unwilling to recognize the true costs that silence regarding the bullying can have, both to the target or targets, and to the group itself. Bystanders often feel unwilling to empathize with the target, regardless of their personal feelings towards that person and/or the bully. The reversal of a culture of bullying within a group is usually an effort which requires much time, ruthless energy, careful planning, coordination with others, dogged persistence on the part of the cleaning squad, and the undertaking of real "risk" by group members.

It is this general unwillingness of bystanders to expend these types of commitment and energies, and to undertake this type of risk that bullies safely rely upon in order to maintain their power. Unless action is taken, a "culture of bullying" is often perpetuated within a group for years, or longer. Passive bystanders are accountable, and must be held accountable for their passivity. But who will bring them to book?

Bystanders who have been able to establish their own "friendship group" or "support group" have been found to be far more likely to speak out against bullying behavior than those who have not. Lone rangers have little or no chance against an entrenched bully culture. If you can't get support, better leave it to the natural processes of evolution.

[Walk Away – Leticia Maher(A) – 3:36]

Effects of bullying on those who are targeted..... 

There's hard evidence that individuals, whether child or adult, who are persistently subjected to abusive behavior, are at risk of stress related illness which can sometimes lead to suicide. Those who have been the targets of bullying can suffer from long term emotional and behavioural problems. Bullying can cause loneliness, depression, anxiety; it can lead to low self-esteem and increased susceptibility to illness. Bullying has also been shown to cause maladjustment in young children, and targets of bullying who also became bullies themselves exhibit even greater social difficulties. In the long term it can lead to post traumatic stress disorder and an inability to form relationships.

Except sometimes.......

Despite the fact that the majority of those who may find themselves to be the targets of bullying behavior may ultimately feel "harmed" by such targeting, I have to say that, in my own case (and there are studies that support this), some potentially positive outcomes have resulted from bullying behavior. The experiences have made me a more effective, compassionate counselor than I might otherwise have been, and certainly a bully with half a brain will think twice before taking me on; I've been taught how to do it by experts, and I can recognise a coward when I see one. As a result of my having been targeted with bullying behavior by individuals and groups who were always faster, stronger and bigger than me, I have learned how to be smarter and better at it than they are. 

 

Some former bullying "targets" actually experience being "enabled", through being bullied, to develop various coping strategies which include "standing up for themselves" in ways which act to "re-balance" former imbalances of power. I had an incident on a recent visit to Melbourne where a taxi driver rode right over me when he discovered I only wanted to go locally. I had him groveling within 30 seconds flat, and got a free taxi ride to boot. Other former bullying targets have reported to me such things as "becoming a better person" as a result of their former bullying ordeals. My son is one of those – because his father was famous at the time, and he was just a wisp of a kid wearing external braces on his teeth, he copped a terrible time at school – so much so that we had to take him out of that kind of environment and put him into a special school.

[Teach Your Children – The Vitamin String Quartet]

The teaching of anti-bullying coping skills to "would-be-targets" and to others has been found to be a very effective long term means of reducing bullying incidence rates and a valuable skill-set for becoming adults. It also makes them less likely to be Bystanders to Bullying in the future.

Intervention

Despite the large number of individuals who do not approve of bullying, there are very few who will intervene on behalf of a target. Most people remain bystanders, and accept the bullying or even support the bully. In 85% of bullying incidents, bystanders are involved in teasing the target or egging on the bully. As a kid, the only time I felt one-ness with my age peers was when we were all bent on harassing someone else for a change. I can even remember his name – Geoff Widdison. That's an underdog part of me I'm ashamed of. 

But it points up a harsh reality I've had to deal with recently -- when the bully encounters no negative response from observers, it encourages and enables the bullies to continue their behaviour. In my own hamfisted way I stood up for a victim, looked around for support, and could only hear colleagues hissing at me to bob down and shut up. I didn't, and I was sacked. But I can still look at myself in the mirror. At my time of life I need to be able to do that, more than be liked by non-interventionists.

There are many reasons why individuals choose not to intervene. They may be relieved that the target of a normal and generally-present danger is someone else; they may take vicarious satisfaction in witnessing the bullying – they're safe from prosecution; they may have been taught the truism that “people get what they deserve and deserve what they get"; or they may worry that they risk becoming the next target if they intervene. Also, an intuitive understanding that others will be similarly unwilling to assist them if they do become the next target likely strengthens their motivation to stay out of it – “this is between you two. Don't involve me.”

Chronic bullying cycle

While on the surface, chronic bullying may appear to be simply the actions of an "aggressor" perpetrated upon an unwilling "targeted individual", on a certain deeper level, for it to succeed, the bullying-cycle necessarily includes a certain chronic inadequate response on the part of the Target. That is, a response that is seen by both the bully and the target as insufficient to prevent the chronic bullying-cycle from repeating itself between the same or other individuals. A culture of “it's OK to bully – that's just the way I am. If you don't like it bugger off” settles into the landscape. 

 

A suitable response to any given attempt at bullying varies with the occasion, and can range from ignoring a bully to turning a coercion around so that it makes a "coercee" out of the would-be coercer – a Victim out of the Bully. You may even resort to summoning legal intervention – that's what my friend was finally forced to do. In this last option, however, be aware that you are seeking legal redress for what is essentially a political problem. You may get legal redress, but the exertion of power may still not stop; it may take another form. Even the torturous legal process is itself still a “win” for the bully.

In any case, the targeted individual must necessarily somehow demonstrate to the would-be bully that she will not allow her self to be daunted, intimidated, or otherwise "cowed" by the bully. Those individuals or groups who are capable of reacting to initial bullying attempts in ways that tend to sufficiently discourage potential bullies from repeated attempts are less likely to be drawn into this destructive cycle. On the flipside, those individuals or groups who most readily react to stressful situations by perceiving themselves as "victims" tend to make the most suitable candidates for becoming the next "targets" of chronic bullying.

Under some circumstances, targets may be chosen in what may be a completely random or arbitrary process, especially in groups in which the "bully mentality" may already be dominant within the group. In such groups, the defense mechanisms of the entire group have already been "broken down", and therefore the targeting of individuals no longer requires either the seeking out of "certain personality types" to become the "next target", nor the need for the bullies to get the compliance of the also-rans to move on to fresh meat – acquiescence can be taken for granted. The reversal of such chronic and well entrenched bullying behavior in such groups sometimes requires a much more carefully planned, coordinated, determined, and multi-individual response from a would-be target than in a group in which either the "bully mentality" may not (yet) prevail, or ideally in a group that may have already taken a pro-active preventative approach towards bullying.

The Victim, the Bully, the Lieutenants and the Also-Rans each and severally bear equal culpability for the culture. The cycle is only set in motion when both aggression and compliance elements are present. Once both of these two elements manifest themselves, the bullying cycle often proceeds to feed on itself over time, and may last for months, years, or even decades.

The cycle is most easily broken at its initial onset; however, it can also be broken at any later point in its progression by simply removing either one of its two essential ingredients – the Aggression or the Submission. While group involvement may seem to complicate bullying activities, the act is most often an implied agreement in principle between a chief bully or instigator and the target that the one has "submitted" to the other. In the act of bullying, the bully attempts to make a public statement to the effect of: "See me and fear me, I am so powerful that I have the ability to inflict pain upon any intended target at the time and manner of my choice without having to pay any consequences". Should an intended target exhibit a "defeated or submitted attitude" in response to chronic bullying, then the bullying is likely to continue. In circumstances where a "bullying pattern" has not yet fully established itself, should the intended target respond with a clear attitude of self-confidence that somehow demonstrates that the bully's attempt to dominate is futile, then the bullying attempt will often quickly diminish or end altogether. Most bullies are cowards in predator costumes. Established patterns of bullying may require greater and more persistent effort to reverse. Institutions and organs of society often reinforce bullying, often by implying to, or telling targets of bullies, that they are responsible for defending themselves, and then discouraging targets if they fight back.

[Healing Sleep Music – Deep Sleep]

I'm a big believer in Balance; I see it everywhere. Researchers call it the Just-World Belief Theory. I predict a decline in bullying attitudes. I find that my grandchildren do seek to understand, justify, and rectify the different injustices they come across in everyday life. I see them thinking for themselves and treating socially accepted behaviour with healthy suspicion. I find more and more people, through organisations like Get-Up, Change.Org and Fair Work, are demanding to know what's being done in our name, and rallying to put a stop to the bullying behaviour of so-called defence or protective forces, and the coercive abuses of political and religious power.

The bullies are on notice. But understand that some of them are just too thick to read the sign – A bully's life doesn't work. The more you can do to drive that message home, the happier and freer you will become. When anyone steps over your boundaries, kindly and firmly let them know and, from a position of quiet strength, suggest that they “back off”, or words to that effect.

[No More Blues – The Idea of North (A) – 3:50]