"MIDLIFE CRISIS" -- AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

PAUSE A MOMENT

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM – MIDLIFE CRISIS

In my years as a counselor for Lifeline, particularly on overnights, I encountered a lot of crisis situations that could conveniently have been classified as occurring in that awful midlife period – that time when many of us realise, or are waking up to the possibility, that the way we put our lives together so far // simply is no longer working. And we suspect with some horror that it hasn't worked for a long time, but we kept doing things the same old way // in the forlorn hope that luck would swing our way again.

But for many people it doesn't, and sometimes the crisis is exacerbated by their biology and psychology being impacted by menopause (women) an andropause (men). 

 

Take the recent high-profile case of the suicide of Charlotte Dawson...

They're saying she was killed by bullies and internet trolls. Or by those pesky, ubiquitous, annoying word alerts like "inner demons". Hmm-mm. Maybe. But I don't think that's the whole picture. It wasn't just depression that claimed her. I suspect she also fell prey to a much larger epidemic – The Fears of imminent Ageing, Regression, and creeping Irrelevance.

I watch people claimed by the fear of getting old. It is a hard bump realising you've passed forty-something, fearing a loss of your sexual currency and becoming invisible. Those experiences are not inevitable, by the way, but that doesn't stop the fear of them, which has exactly the same power over us as the real thing. Psychologist Joseph Burgo says getting older inevitably involves some kind of narcissistic injury: as our bodies age and younger people find us less physically attractive, they seem to look right through us, as if we no longer exist.

Fearing we are losing our sexual currency can come as a blow to our self-esteem, even those of us who have not relied on our looks or mojo to get and hold attention. So it hits hard those who do identify with their youthful looks and sharp intellect, and can devastate those whose living depends on them – people like Charlotte. Dr Burgo says men and women who can't bear the shift to a supporting role may ape the behaviours, clothing and attitudes of the young, trying to preserve their sexual appeal. They may opt for hormone injection, plastic surgery, or sports cars, or trophy partners. Socially, they become more self-absorbed and insensitive, demanding to remain the centre of attention. Sound familiar?

The famous fashion muse Isabella Blow, who at age 49 also lost her battle with depression, was anguished over her inability to "find a home in a world I once influenced".

We might not all walk the red carpet at glamour gigs but we all struggle to find a way to feel we matter as we get older. "I'm not a brand. I'm a human being," Charlotte Dawson said in a tweet not long before she gave away her life. The problem is, the persona many of us created for ourselves was a brand, actually. In fact, that's all it was. All packaging and no substance. And deep inside, we knew it. Part of the morbid fascination I find in early episodes of My Kitchen Rules is the whacked-out characters who play out ridiculous fantasies in the guise of a “reality” cooking competition. There's nothing real about any of it, but some are deluded enough to think it is, contestants and audience alike. It's human delusion // bottled for entertainment.

I know about this stuff. It took me a long time to let go of my invented sense of self, the fake persona called Barrie Barkla. I was trying to become real, without any real idea of what “real” was. It is hard. I am clever and intelligent, but that was not much help. To do well in rebuilding yourself piece by piece requires a lot more modesty than brilliance. Oh, having grandchildren helps, too.

Ageing can be gentle; it can be brutal. I definitely think we need to find a new way to age, to feel valued, to not be wiped out. I was excited to read in the Guardian that there might be a bit of a fledgling new movement for women of a certain age to get stroppy, to boil with fury, to refuse to go beige, to refuse to become invisible.

I cannot imagine what it must be like for a woman, and I don't pretend to know. All I can do is listen to their stories, and be there for them as they search for their path. The Guardian's Melissa Benn points out that women aged over 50 face deep injustices - divorce leaves most women financially worse off, and women earn less and do more - yet they tend to stay silent in public.

Benn is agitating to say women should speak up and start being witty, daring and stroppy. For some, the idea of rebelling means they risk being tarred as alone, unsuccessful, troublesome and now old to boot. But don't say it like those qualities are bad things! They're not. It's those phonies who pretend to be “nice” that I'm very wary of. “Nice” is a coverlet for nastiness

That is the path to freedom, I think: embrace the idea of being subversive, powerful, batty old bastards and broads. Could Charlotte, or Princess Di have been one of those? I doubt it. (It's why so many women go back to university. They want to follow in the steps of luminaries like Doris Lessing, Mary Wesley, Germaine Greer or Iris Murdoch.) But to get eccentric old-bat status, you have to stop caring what other people think of you. That comes genuinely hard, especially for those who live large in the public eye. Individuals with low self-esteem hidden under their undies tend to be more concerned with what others think of them than what they think of themselves. “I've been maligned!” they cry, and threaten to head straight for the nearest lawyer – as if that's going to fix anything.

Even Prime Ministers aren't immune. Remember Julia? Women seem particularly prone to feeling shunned for being single, being childless; and as for having a mental illness! If Andrew Robb were a woman he'd have been out of politics and home doing the dishes a year or more ago. Remember Mary Jo Fisher? Yet the truth is few people really care. And for some dedicated sufferers that's even worse.

It is terrifying to think of becoming insignificant, being wiped out, being annihilated. So, ultimately, one or more of you, like James Dean, like Princess Di, like Charlotte will chose to preserve the more glamorous, manufactured brand, and remain frozen in time... aged forty-something.... forever. For you, suicide may not be an act of desperation but an alluring option. But what if you're wrong? What if there's nothing wrong with you, and you find out, too late, that redemption was just around this next corner and you may have to come back and go through it all again just to get to this point of Decision?

This realization led me on a quest to find one interview question that would yield a universal “a-hah!” from callers contemplating suicide. It took 20 years of trial and error, but I think I found it. It has certainly worked since. Here's it is:

What single project or task would you consider your most significant accomplishment in your life to date?

To see why this simple question is so powerful, imagine you're the caller now and I've just asked you that question. What single project or task would you consider your most significant accomplishment in your life to date? What accomplishment would you select?

Now imagine that over the course of the next 15 minutes I asked you these follow-up questions. How would you respond to these?

• Can you give me a detailed overview of your accomplishment?
• Tell me how old you were, where you were, your responsibility, your role, and who else was involved.
• What were the actual results you achieved?
• When did it take place and how long did the project take?
• Why were you chosen? How did you come to be in the position to take the responsibility you did?
• What were 3-4 of the biggest challenges you faced and how did you deal with them?
• Where did you go the extra mile or take the initiative?
• Walk me through the plan, how you managed it. How did you measure its success?
• Describe the environment and resources you could draw upon to support you.
• Explain your partner's/manager's style and whether you liked it.
• What were the technical skills needed to accomplish your objective. How did you acquire them and how were they used?
• What was the biggest mistake you made?
• What aspects of the project did you truly enjoy?
• What aspects did you not especially care about and how did you handle them? How would you deal with them if they arose again?
• Give me some examples of how you managed and influenced others.
• How did you change and grow as a person?
• What type of formal recognition did your receive?
• Knowing what you now know about yourself, what you would do differently if you could do it again?

With answers detailed enough, this one line of questioning can tell you everything you need to know about yourself and your strengths. The original question itself invites you to shift your focus for a few minutes from present feelings of failure to past memories of accomplishment. The insights you could gain are remarkable. But the real secret ingredient is not even in the question; that's just a spoiler on my part. The most important elements are the details and strengths you come up with that underlie what you accomplished. This is what real self- discovery is about -- delving into the strengths of the Who-you-are that accomplished it – still alive and kicking in a back room.

Spend time learning to get the answer to just this one question. What single project or task are you proud of? Then ask it again in the light of more of your accomplishments. Begin to connect the dots. As you do, a fuller picture will emerge of a person who is worth getting re-acquainted with. With willing persistence on your part, you'll soon get to know yourself better than ever before, and feel more comfortable inside the skin of the new person you're going to spend the rest of your life with – You.