BOONDIES IN YOUR SHOES

PAUSE A MOMENT

BOONDIES IN YOUR SHOES

Good morning once again. Welcome now to Pause a Moment.

[Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes – Ladysmith & Paul Simon]

We all know the annoying, irritating and sometimes painful experience of getting a little piece of stone inside your shoe. And it doesn't matter whether the irritant is a piece of sandy gravel or a precious stone, they irritate and hobble you just as effectively, and they won't just go away. We have to sit down, remove the shoe, find the irritant, and remove it. Otherwise we could be quickly rubbed up the wrong way, blistered, and maybe even crippled.

Tonight we're going to look at some of the stones that get inside of us, hobbling us and seriously impeding our happy progress through life....

[La Raya – Eric Serra]

What's holding you back?

What's the boondy in your shoe?

Please don't tell me you don't tell me you don't know; I don't believe you. If you don't know, who else can possibly know for you? I'm going to be a true friend to you and disbelieve you utterly. You DO know. You may not admit even to yourself that you know, but you do know. You wrote the script for your life; you're the author. You know. So all we have to do is find it, wherever you hid it.

Look at it from this angle for a while – Let's say I'm hammering a nail into a wall and I bang my thumb. I don't do that for nothing – what might my expected payoffs be? Sympathy? Worker's comp.? Attention? A ploy to get a tradey to do it instead? A reason to justify quitting? A guilt trip on she who told me to hang the bloody picture now? (See? I've hit my thumb. See what you made me do?”)

Any stone in your shoe, diamond or gravel, gives you a reason to hobble. What I'm really interested in is “Why hobble?” What is your payoff supposed to be for limping through your life instead of getting into the fun run. Who or what are you playing hidey with? Who is supposed to notice your unhappiness and feel bad that you're crippled? Who is supposed to come running to your aid? What if that person doesn't notice, doesn't care, or is dead already? There will never be enough “others” who'll be stupid enough to sympathise with you to make up for the one who really hurt you – right?

And if that sounds crazy, you're right! It is looney-tunes. But I press my question – who are you really blaming for your misery? Who would get let off the hook if you just gave up your suffering and actually got happy? Who? But you're not going to give them that satisfaction, are you? No way!

[Why? – Annie Lennox]

The perfectly reasonable reasons we give ourselves for our behaviour are almost never the truth. Dr. Phil McGraw aptly calls them “Why Lies”. Why-Lies are the little justifications “why” we give ourselves and everyone else to extenuate our behaviour. 

How can you tell when you're on a Why Lie? Easy – you feel either confused (“I don't know”), or “right” (I am SO---OO justified in doing this!!). If your Why-Lies were the truth, you wouldn't feel anything other than clear and neutral. We cover the hollowness of our Why-Lies with volume, energy and repetition, sometimes laced with righteous indignation (in the case of guilt junkies). Our pronouncements are punctuated with a tightening around the chest, throat and mouth, a jutting and slight lifting of the lower jaw, a closing of the eyelids for a moment, and maybe a toss of the head. Until you get the deal on Why-Lies, you're doomed to stay stuck on your stuff, and the inevitable, eventual consequences of that.

Right-fighters attract opponents, like flies to rotting meat. If that sounds harsh, two right-fighters of my acquaintance actually looked and smelled of rotting meat. One of them them (my father) had gangrene, and has been dead now for 25 years; the other soon will be. Right-fighters are never short of opponents – they feed off antagonism like crows off roadkill. Fuelled by bitter resentment and appalling guilt, right-fighters attract what they most fear – Revulsion and Loneliness.

The real reason we do everything we do, or don't do what we don't do, is to feed needs. That's it. This isn't rocket science.

[Why? – Charles Murdoch]

In this condition we call “being human” what Needs need feeding? In general, we have three main areas of need =

1. Core Value Needs
2. Physical Needs
3. Emotional Needs

Our Core Value Needs are mainly –

• Meaning –
• A coherent philosophy of life that makes sense of one's own experiences
• An optimistic interpretation and measure of proof of what it means to be human and alive
• A firm grasp of what is important to you, and the circumstances in which that may change. eg. Indians – parental love -v- family honour.
• A real sense of how what you do allows you to give full expression to that.
• Significance = your ability to own the ground you stand on...
• People depending on you
• Feeling your place in something bigger
• A coherent and creative self-image
• A sense of authorship and autonomy.
• Connection
• Sense of Purpose
• Freedom to Explore and Grow

Our Physical Needs include –

• A wholesome diet
• Regular Exercise
• Restorative Sleep
• Shelter and Security
• A Stimulating environment

Our Emotional Needs include–

• A sense of living, surviving and growing
• Love, intimacy and connection
• Challenge and exploration

OK, now let's get specific. What are your needs? Hmmm? There will be two “biggies”. I know what mine are – "Validation" and "Honour". And, yes, they colour the many reasons why I'm driven to put this stuff out in public. OK, now that's out in the open – what needs are you hobbling yourself to, and why?

People generally do not have problems with stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, guilt, jealousy, envy, fear, rejection, depression or addiction when their emotional needs are met in balanced ways. How well are your needs being met? To help you, I'm about to offer you a DIY Audit on your Emotional Needs that you can use to get a line on where you are, and how how your life could be improved. Notice where your needs are not being met due to environmental factors, harmful conditioning and you misusing your imagination (eg. with Worry). Watch how and where your Why-Lies pop out of the shadows while you're contemplating these.

To determine for yourself how well your innate emotional needs are being met, give yourself a ranking somewhere between 1 and 10. A ranking of 1 means “not at all”. A ranking of 10 means “Always, under every circumstance” Anywhere in between means “Sometimes, or under some circumstances”. I'm going to cover these moderately fast because it's important that you don't think about your response. Take the first number between 1 and 10 that pops into your head and jot it down.

[Happiness Is – Vince Guaraldi Trio]

OK? Here we go ---

• How much do you feel secure in your home life 1= Not at all: 10 = Totally
• How much do you feel secure in your work life?
• How much do you feel secure in your environment? 1 = No. 10 = totally
• Do you feel you receive enough attention?
• Do you feel in control of your life most of the time. No? Yes? Where in between?
• Do you feel part of a wider community?
• Can you get privacy when you need to?
• Do you have at least one close friend? Now close (1-10)?
• Do you have an intimate relationship in your life? By “intimate” I mean someone from whom you withold nothing, and who still accepts you as you are.
• Do you feel an emotional connection with others?
• Do you feel you have status that is acknowledged and celebrated?
• Are you achieving things and feel competent in at least one area of your life?
• Are you mentally and physically stretched in ways which give you a sense of meaning, purpose and forward movement?
  
  
  Are you getting the picture? Please feel free to add questions and areas of your own. If your scores are mostly low, you've probably worked out why you're feeling low or strung out. If any need is scoring less than a 3, this a is a big problem for you and you might think about doing something about it. Be aware, too, that even if only one area is getting a 3 or less, that can be enough of a problem to cause instability across the board. The “Titanic” passengers found out the hard way that you cannot sink half a ship.

[Happy Feet – Jack Hylton]

So, let's change the metaphor. Everyone has a boondy or two in his or her shoes. You may have one or two right now; those small, nagging thoughts, and the feelings that follow, that slow you down. Some stones have been hidden for so many years you don't even notice them any more. Some make themselves evident only under particular conditions, and it's a good idea to become aware of what brings the discomfort on. Others push, prod, pinch, poke and make their presence felt every day. Each irritant intrudes into the lives of the unsuspecting. Some just pop in unannounced at any time of the day or night. Some announce themselves, some sneak in unannounced through the side door.

Although they are small and mostly undetected, boondies represent many unresolved thoughts, images and experiences. Some are the product of erosion (doubt); some are the product of volcanic activity (anger). However they manifest, they form from a single parent-thought that occurred, probably, decades before -- so long in fact that you no longer think these thoughts -- they think you. You may find some stone lodged only in your business shoes. Some reside in the slippers that you tuck under your bed. Some find their way into your sports shoes while others form in whatever you wear while you parent. Unfortunately, persistent pebbles travel with you wherever you go, undetected by Biosecurity, Customs or Immigration sniffers.

Some ronnies (South Australian term) arise from fear. Others are created from guilt, rejection or shame. Maybe not today, but they eventually arrive unannounced and usually at the most inappropriate time.

What challenges do they present?

To run the marathon run of life at your most efficient speed, it really helps to be free of handicaps like embarrassment, guilt, rejection, fear, envy, jealousy, resentment, anger, impatience, frustration and worry. All can be lodged in any shoe, from a pair of sandals worn by a city dweller in Semaphore, to a gumboots on a farm in Murraylands. They cripple, they destroy relationships, they contribute to overeating and gaining unhealthy weight, they poison our minds, bodies and spirits. Everything from chronic nosebleeds to cancer are symptoms of the presence of pedestrian encumbrances. They coax us into drugs, alcohol, gambling and other addictions like power, central position, right-ness, control, approval and a need to be needed. They destroy families and alienate friends. They thwart the potential of our children and physically snuff extra years from our life. 

Most pebbles stir up past injuries, cloud future healing and keep glimpses of the present down to a blink of the eye. Even in gardens that are continually turned over, pebbles appear and reappear without warning or detection. Prevention and complete removal are your only options for simplicity, balance and abundance. Yet you'll be tempted to protect and defend them, sometimes to your next-to-last breath on this earth.

[Happiness Is... – Tenzin Choegyal]

Here are two starter questions for you –

• What things do you want to be doing that you're not doing yet? Why?
• What things are you now doing that you'd rather NOT have to do? Why do you persist?

Now please get this. The first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh answers you get to either of these question are going to be Why-Lies. Bet on it! Because your Why-Lies are so deeply ingrained through sheer habit, you are going to have to stand in your Question for AT LEAST 21 days, and notice what events and circumstances arise for you, and your response to them. It's the only sure way I know of to expose and get around the ramparts of Why-Lies you've erected around yourself for protection. What do you think you need protection from, I wonder out loud..... (and your first answers will, again, be a bunch of Why-Lies).

When you eventually get all your Why-Lies out in the open, you will eventually reach a point of grace where your Why-Lies are OK with you. You will see them when they arise, and you will smile at each old, familiar "friend". And you will finally be free of their hold over you. Now, I cannot tell you how long it will take for your state of grace to enfold you. To me it came to me over some 35 years, sometimes gradually, sometimes in hits of “A-hah!” But then, I'm a slow learner. For you it will be different. Whatever, be patient with yourself. The life you formerly created for yourself has a certain inertia, and it can take some patient and persistent leaning on the wheel to turn things around.

What is your need?

If you got that need satisfied, what would that give you?

And if you got that, what would you get as a result?

Eureka!!