We all have a pretty good idea of what our most obvious negative emotions are. Mine, for example, are Anger and Frustration. But are they our Dominating negative influences? Are our obvious demons just a cover for a hidden reality that is far more powerful in its insidious influence against our well-being?
What feelings are we avoiding? In my case, by feeling frustrated and angry, am I trying to avoid feeling something far more painful?
Ever since the day I was being born (and possibly before) I have automatically used Frustration and Anger as ways of greeting the challenges of life. Life, for its part, has very kindly given me an open invitation to deal with it, and has seen to it that I'm rarely left wanting for provocation.
My fall from bliss started, as far as I know, with an inexperienced obstetrician who panicked when I charged face-first down the birth canal at high speed. He grabbed my head with a pair of forceps and, despite the protestations of my mother, pushed me back into the very space I was hell-bent on getting out of He then wrenched my head forward and dragged me out again, unable to see where I was going and gasping for breath. I picked up on his panic, my mother's anxiety and felt breathless, frustrated and angry. And I survived. So my mind put it together -- "If I feel threatened, all I have to do is churn out Panic, Anxiety, Breathlessness, Frustration and Anger and I will survive."
That's how our minds work.
Then Life gave me a father who, despite the fact that he'd never done it before, faked certainty about knowing exactly what was good for young children and how to get it from them -- severe restriction, fear, and the certainty of painful punishment for our sins. It's not his fault -- that's what his parents did to him, and he knew of no other alternatives. The point is, I chose (unconsciously) to respond to him, however he was, with panic, anxiety, breathlessness, frustration and anger. That upset him and made him angrier. Our future relationship was set in granite.
But only one of us was allowed to overtly express Frustration and Anger, and it wasn't going to be me. So I learnt to sit on them and rely on my gentleness and niceness to get me by. I suppressed my natural rebellion against restriction (aka. my urge for Freedom) by turning it inwards onto my self, with very good reason -- my physical survival. My giant of a father who jammed the scales at their maximum of 26 stone, had absolutely no tolerance for opposition from anyone on the planet, especially his firstborn, and a vile bent for physical violence with which to vent HIS frustration. I learnt very quickly to keep myself hidden.
It didn't work, of course. The more we try to suppress anything , the more it will pop up in one form or another somewhere else, like a waterbed. In my case, the "popping up" took two forms. The first was in covert rebellion. Despite my watchfulness, a part of me -- the bit my mother called "the very divil in you" -- periodically forced me to do sneaky stuff that broke the strict rules. My father always found out, of course, (he and God both had spies everywhere), and I got a right belting and kicking for it every time. The second form of breakout came in a permanent case of the shakes, nightmares, and a propensity to throw up whenever stressed. Untreated, this turned over the decades into full-blown chronic anxiety, panic attacks, depression, overweightness, diabetes and coronary heart disease.
I've been aware of this for the last 20-odd years, and my accelerated inner growth in that time has helped me to have my anger and frustration without needing to inflict it upon others. But my efforts to transmute (ie. complete with and transform) frustration and anger have met with only mild, incremental success.
I think I've found out why........
THE BLOODY OBVIOUS
All of the above has been by way of preamble. I thought if I told my story, then someone out there may learn from it and avoid the effects and consequences of my ignorance that I must now take care of (viz. open-heart surgery -- the body/mind does have a sense of humour!)
We all have, as part of the Self that we construct, a set of internal organising principles that determine how we go about doing our lives. One of mine goes like this --
Because I feel Grief and Hurt,
I alienate others
in order to get Validation and Honour
Now, how we arrive at our particular fundamental operating principles is not up for discussion here -- that is something you and I would have to do together, one on one.. The reason I mention it here is that, having made this discovery 20 years ago, I forgot about Grief and Hurt.
In a blinding "A-Hah!" moment of remembrance earlier today, a question popped -- Am I using Frustration and Anger (whipped up by my Mind) to avoid experiencing the greater pain of Grief and Hurt (felt in my Heart)?
Something immediately shifted deep inside. That's a feeling I've learned to trust. Maybe I've been working on my mind when it's the heart that's faulty!?
I can certainly feel that there is Grief and Hurt behind my anger. And I can see, too, that anger and frustration are only bringing me more grief and hurt. Perhaps if I feel into the Hurt and Grief, the Anger etc. will resolve themselves.
This might be interesting!
By feeling what you're feeling, what other feelings do you get to avoid?
No comments:
Post a Comment