As very young toddlers, our minds put it together that
"I need to be dependent (on my parents) to survive."
Well, we didn't have a choice about that;
It was something we had to surrender to.
Later, however, we began to rebel against that --
"I need to be independent (of my parents) to survive."
Our mind, however, has to be right about ALL of its ideas, beliefs, opinions and conclusions,
That's just how minds are.
It could not ditch the old idea in favour of the new.
In an gobsmacking piece of elastic logic,
The old conclusion and the new got stapled together --
"I need to be dependent in order to be independent (and vice versa)"
This is just one aspect of the bewildering love/hate duality of our relationships with our parents;
Logical,
And absurd.
You can begin to see the stress and suffering inherent in that trap!
I need to be dependent and independent,
And I have no idea where, when, or for how long,
And I have no idea how to tell you this.
Considering that our relationship with our parents is THE fundamental relationship
That influences all the other relationships we've ever had,
It begins to throw some light on the problems we have with relatives, life partners and authority figures.
This kind of thinking is not confined to our relationships.
Some other examples of how we get caught in the Law of Reverse Effect are:-
- I need to feel grief and hurt to get validation and honour
- I need to suppress myself to be noticed
- I have to push in to opt out
- I make myself feel stressed to get relief.
- I need to feel (angry, jealous, upset, afraid....) to get peace of mind
- I need to hold back, stop myself or trap myself in order to be free.
These are just starters,
To get you thinking about your own arsenal
Of absurd joy-stoppers.
It's fairly easy to find out your own particular quirks:
Take a few quiet moment on your own
And go back to a recent time when you were upset.
Disregarding the story,
Identify two emotions you felt at the time (e.g. hurt and anger).
Then, in one short sentence, bottom-line what you wanted the end result to be.
Then do what your mind has already done --
Put the two together.
[e.g. I've just had a blue with my partner. I'm feeling hurt and angry. All I wanted was to be understood.
So, in this case, I make myself feel hurt and angry in order to be understood.]
Look at what you've got.
This is the absurd logic of the Mind in action.
Caught on tape.
Is this operating principle in front of you a recipe for happiness?
No?
Good.
The seeing is the movement.
Just be aware.
Catch yourself,
Get to know yourself,
And have a laugh about it.
********************************
A truly independent person
(Which I confess I am not)
Simply lets others be
(Both inside and outside him/her self)
Resistance to the way they are is recognised
As arising from a need to dominate and be right
And is dropped.
Resisting and judging only demonstrate our freedom
To imprison and destroy ourselves.
When we give away our ability to let things and people be
We lose our ability to be responsible for what-is.
When we cannot be responsible for things the way they are,
We give ourselves no space to manouevre;
When we have no space,
We cannot create,
We can only react.
There's no independence in being a robot.
It is only in the act of Creating
That we begin to experience true Independence.
The old way of doing things has been
To resist, dominate. control, be right, and make wrong
In order to be free and create.
How's that working for you?
Me either.
Patterns of resistance, domination, coercion, and the need to be right
Cut us off from our self and from otherness.
They erode our ability to let things be
And our ability to be responsible.
They I-solate us from space, freedom, and the ability to create.
If we want a way out of a mess that we're in (and I do)
It seems that the thinking that got us here
Probably needs to be completely reversed
If we're to experience Independence and Freedom.
Independence is not the absence of anything, including dependence:
I suspect Independence is the state of being
That lightly embraces everything.
Let whatever is, be
And rejoice that it is so.
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