ON THE OTHER HAND.......

 [Radio Script]

Tonight's Pause is entitled “On the Other Hand”, and it's about those pesky, two-faced troublemakers, Duplicity, Contradiction and Paradox.
 

[Making Your Mind Up – Buck's Fizz]

It has long been my experience that “Being human is full of contradictions.” My parents dealt with them by choosing one side and denying any consideration to anything else. That was never going to work for me.

So after a few years of embracing opposites I discovered ….

I, too, am stacked to the rafters with ironies, paradoxes and sarcasm in measures equal to my innocence, kindness and straightness. That's called Integrity. 

Besides, I like to turn everything upside down, just see what it looks like arsy-versy. So when I contradict myself, don't be surprised; I'm not. Nor am I surprised when you contradict yourself. The only difference between you and me, if there is one, is that in my case the contradictions are conscious and, sometimes, deliberate. In your case, they may not always be, so you might find me arching an eyebrow, putting your two inconsistencies side-by-side, and saying “How do you figure that out?” My purpose is not to criticise, but always to invite you to dig deeper – into yourself.

 

I do it to my self all the time. I love paradoxes; so much so that I actively go looking for them. And I've never yet been disappointed, or bored. Inconsistencies are everywhere where a human mind is at work – inside and out. And they can stress you out or they can be fun to embrace, play with and learn from. That's a choice you get to make....

And I love challenging you by dishing contradictions out. I go out of my way to do it. For example, in last week's show I followed Diesel's “Don't Need Love” with the Beatles' “All You Need is Love”. Each in their own context, both are true; but try and put them together in the same idea and your logical mind will go spaz.

[You're Driving Me Crazy – Billy May]

But why would I knowingly provoke such internal wriggling on another human being? For the same reason I does it to Me -- to nudge us out of our comfort zone; to challenge you; to encourage you to recognise and question the positions you don't realise you're on – the points of view that you've rigor mortis-ed into being right about.

So here I go again – tonight on the subject of Platitudes. I strew platitudes around the planet like flakes of dandruff. Pause a Moment every week is choc-full of them. I put them in there for enlightenment. But platitudes are also dangerous: repeat them often enough and you'll come to believe them, and you could finish up in politics, religion or - God forbid - radio broadcasting. So here I come tonight to shake everything up – again.....

[Monday's Experts – Mick Thomas]

Some platitudes, repeated often enough, are just plain irritating. Others, used the wrong way (wait: is there a right way to use a cliché?) serve to shut down discussions -- and people.

Whipping out a cliché allows a leader to avoid elaborating, avoid explaining, avoid justifying, avoid having a deeper and more meaningful conversation... in short, avoid being a real leader.

Platitudes like these:

Very popular since the successive collapses of primary industries and heavy manufacturing companies recently. Touts of a so-called “Smart Economy” pontificate "We need to work smarter, not harder."

True, and Irritating for a few reasons. One, they imply I'm stupid. (Otherwise why would I need to work smarter?) Two, they imply that whatever I'm doing should take a lot less time and effort. (How would they know; they don't do what I do.) Three, they leave it to me to figure out what "smarter" means (if "smarter" even exists) when I obviously don't know or I'd already be doing it that way wouldn't I? And four, I know they don't mean the "we" part, either. They mean me. They're smart; I'm stupid.

So my reply to such arseholes is -- "If you know I can be more efficient, tell me how. If you know there is a better way, show me how. I'm all eyes and ears. How about you becoming an example of what you mean, smartarse! How about showing me why you deserve to keep your job while I lose mine. If you think there might be a better way but don't know what it is, admit you don't know and work with me to figure it out. And, most importantly, recognize that sometimes the only thing to do, especially in the moment, is to cut the argy-bargy and get it done – so stop teaching and pitch in. Here, make yourself useful and grab the other end of this – there's some heavy lifting to do."

[Lift Weights – Terrible Truths]

Here's a doozy, from people who've obviously never had to put together a team of horses, or oxen, or people, and get them pulling in the same direction -- "There is no 'I' in team."

Sure there is: there are as many 'I's' as there are team members. And just as many “me's” alongside them. And those I/Me individuals -- the more "individual" the better -- serve to make the team stronger because the best teams are a funky blend of each individual's talents, strengths, perspectives, and goals. But the coach/manager has to know how to catalyse them, and you don't learn that in business schools. Why? Because you're being lectured to by people who themselves never left school! Nobody can impart experience they don't have.

If you want a team to work hard and achieve more, make sure each person feels he/she can achieve the team's goal by achieving at least one of their own goals as well. Spend time figuring out how each individual on the team can do both instead of taking the lazy and ignorant way out by simply repressing individuality in the pursuit of some imposed “collective” ideal.

The best teams are made up of people who feel that when the team wins… so do they.

[Cast Your Fate to the Wind – Quincy Jones]

"It just wasn't meant to be."

Fate rarely has anything to do with failure. Something went skew-whiff. Figure out what went awry // and learn from it.

Plus, "Oh, it just wasn't meant to be…" places responsibility elsewhere. "Let's figure out what we did wrong so we can do better next time…" is empowering because it places-- not blame -- the responsibility where it should be.... On me. On you. On us.

“That's just the way the ball bounces”

Look, seemingly random, chance events do happen. But some things dismissed with a barely disguised admonishment “Suck it up”, deserve further scrutiny. Bouncing balls are subject to utterly predictable laws that govern their behaviour, like the force with which they are propelled, the direction in which they're projected, the nature of the surface they strike, the angle of collision, the weather and other contextual circumstances..... all variable conditions impinge on possible outcomes.

Surrendering to what-is is one thing, but to shrug and mutter “That's just the way the ball bounces” may well be an act of laziness or even cowardice. Look at it.

My next cliché, and one I'm glad to ditch is --

"This is probably not what you want to hear."

[Hard to Say I'm Sorry – Celtic Thunder]

It's never fun to hear bad news, and “softeners” are often a kind way to broach something distasteful. But when you preface a comment by saying it won't be what I want to hear you shift the issue over to my side of the table. You make it my problem. That's cowardice and manipulation, disguised as “sympathy”. Don't do it, for your own sake. It's never good to preface any part of a conversation with bullshit, no matter how you perfume it. Say it  as it is -- "Barrie, I don't know how we're going to manage without you, but starting from next Monday we're going to give it a red-hot go." Seriously, explain why you made a decision. Explain the logic. Explain your reasoning. Stay direct, stay firm, and treat the other person as “able”.

True, I still may not want to hear what you have to tell me, but at least the focus remains on the issue and not on me, and I'm more likely to hear your real message.

[Suddenly I See – Kate Ceberano]

"Perception is reality."

Yeah, yeah, whatever: see? I can be just as dismissive as that remark. How I perceive something is my take-out of the overall reality, and no matter how different my perception may be from yours, it sure is real to me, and you ain't gonna convince me otherwise. Not until you can get me emotionally over there where you are so that I can see for myself! And if you just uttered that phrase, you may not have the communication skills to do that. 

From another viewpoint, perception is NOT reality. Never. Ever. For one thing, Reality is too huge and our human perceptions are too miniscule. There are things going on in reality that metaphysicists are only beginning to guess at. There is so much going on in and around us that we don't have the sensory apparatus to pick up; yet we arrogantly claim to know what's real and what's not!!?? 

All perfectly reasonable? Not really. The problem is that most of the positions people get right about were not reasoned into in the first place. So logic and reason are not appropriate tools for their dismantlement and removal. That's why I have well-used Utter Nonsense in my toolbox for communicating and empowering.

If other people perceive a reality differently than you, you have to work illogically and emotionally to change those perceptions – theirs and yours. Make many-sided Reality your reality. Reality is this AND that.

Perceptions are not only awesomely limited, they're also fleeting and constantly changing. Reality lasts forever. But, like water, it's for swimming around in, not for holding onto........ Have you ever tried to snap you hand shut and grab a fistful of water? Try it; you'll get what I mean.

How do you change what you see and the way you see it? Simple. Get off being right about it, rip off the labels you've attached and shift your point of view. Simple. Not easy, probably. But simple.

"We'll do it now and handle the fallout later."

Use this one and you're not a bold, daring risk taker; you're a lazy and self-indulgent opportunist with a lack of regard for Consequences that is bordering on the psychopathic. You're stupid. “Stupid” is internally generated, erratic behaviour based on faulty assumptions, cockeyed logic, and an out-of-control emotion.The only good thing about being stupid is that you'll never be without playmates.

[Somethin' Stupid – Robbie & Nicole]

Good ideas are rarely stifled. People like "better" ones. If they don't like your idea of “better”, the problem usually isn't them – it's something you've got bent out of shape.

Don't take the easy way out. Describe what you want to do. Prove it makes sense and gets them what they like and want. Get people behind you by latching onto and “owning” an idea that most of those people like. 

Politicians and priests do it by creating problems, then selling themselves as someone who “sees the problem, understands it, and will solve it for you”. They then set about perpetuating the problem for as long as possible. 

 

Some of the most successful products in the world have nothing to do with what they're selling. For example, McDonalds sells “nutrition” when what they offer is predictability and obesity. Volvo sells “safety”, Mercedes sells “Join the Club”; Coca Cola sells “The real thing”???????

Whatever you do and for whatever reason has a much better chance of succeeding if you effectively tie it in with something that is relevant and liked by the people you're selling to. Con artists and benefactors alike know this principle through and through.

[Fail – Bryan Tyler]

"Failure is not an option."

This one is often used by competitors who are trying to bluff, bluster and bury a doubt; or by a leader who gets frustrated and wants to shut down questions about a debatable decision or a seemingly impossible goal: "Listen, folks, failure is simply not an option," he says, striking table with fist. This one is the hallmark of a boneheaded bully.

Failure is always a possibility; it's the flipside of success. We don't get one without the other. Just because you say failure isn't considerable, doesn't make it so. It is childish and immature in the extreme to seriously think that if I ignore the possibility of failing, it won't happen. Possie-thinkers avow that if you allow thoughts of failure to surface, you'll make them happen. I used to believe that, too. It stopped me planning for hurdles and left me floundering, except sometimes. Then I discovered that the reverse is a Ruthless Rule of Reality – you become what you resist. If you resist failure, you become it, sooner or later. 

Try this on for size -- There is no success without failure.

 

Then there's also this observation – Failure is often a launching pad to success. If my marriage had not failed, I might not be having this conversation with you. So don’t reach for a platitude. Justify your decisions. Engage with the hard questions. Face your doubts. There may be a subliminal warning, wisdom or unfinished prior business lying in there somewhere.

If you can't do that kind of inner research, maybe your decision isn't so wise after all.

[Wheels – Muriel Anderson & Jean-Felix Lalanne]

"Let's not reinvent the wheel."

Oh, I'm guilty of using this one a lot!! And there is some common sense to it. But think a moment. Hey, your wheel this time might turn out to be a better wheel than mine, which means my wheel may have reached its “use-by” date. And we can't have that...... Can we?

"It is what it is."

Another shutdown statement. "It is what it is" really means, "I'm too lazy or insecure to try to contemplate it differently, so stop talking about it”.

"It is what it is" is only useful, nay – essential, as a starting point for transformation. It should rarely be the end game, unless immediate action is imperative, in which case do something about the crisis first and widen your awareness to take in the overall situation as you go along.

[Windmills of Your Mind – 12 Cellists of the BPO]

"I want your feedback."

You see and hear a similar line everywhere: surveys, websites, signs, meetings.... , when they're really fishing for something else – and that could be anything from agreement, a stroke to an ego, commitment, support, or information that can be used for undeclared purposes. Train your intuition to ring silent alarms when someone says "I want your feedback.". Learn to tell the difference between a tired telemarketer and someone like my son who has a 100% success rate with training his clients' IT staff.

Here's something taught me by his example -- If you are the one wanting feedback, don't be passive. Don't just “make it easy” for people to provide input; you're swimming in water populated by predators, and you're marketing to an audience predominantly putrified by apathy. However easy you make it, most won't offer. You have to go get it. You have to be active. And you have to be smart about the questions you ask.

You do have to ask. And you have to listen – really listen to the subtext of what you're being told.

People who really want feedback take responsibility for getting that feedback. They don't wait to receive it. (Thanks, Scott)

So there we have it. Having, over the last few months, set up and used a range of platitudes and truisms, I set about tonight methodically blowing them up, and encouraging you to do likewise before they entomb you in comfortable cubby-holes of smug satisfaction.

The best thing about platitudes, truisms and slogans is that they encapsulate a moment of real “a-hah” experience into a conclusion that can be portably communicated to others. 

The worst thing about them is that they can quickly go the way of all opinions, concepts and beliefs – into a pigeonhole in our mind where they are safe from further questioning, further examination, and become part of our operating system; part of our Ego; part of what we worship as The Truth. The major casualty of this highly personal and individual form of suicide is Possibility – the very mystery and opportunity offered by this life that we came here to explore.

Our only hope against such fossilisation are Contradictions and Paradoxes. Our only defence against posturing Position-taking is an openness to Opposition.

“Wisdom lies not in possessing knowledge — which quickly becomes irrelevant and outdated — but in perpetually seeking to feel further and deeper into knowing.”

Ego is our own particular way of not being fully available and present to paradox.

The ultimate paradox may well be –

The Truth is -AND- There ain't no The Truth.

Suck on that one for a while and see what shows up.

[The Truth – Kate Miller-Heidke]

TAKE A LOAD OFF

Why so sad? 

I get that there is something sweet and seductive about sadness. And there's nothing wrong with surrendering to that experience, but as a chronic state of being, sadness becomes debilitating -- for everyone concerned.

What will not help you, though, is any effort to “snap out of it.” That's as ineffective and harmful as trying to will yourself out of a sink-hole of quicksand.

Firstly, know this – little sadnesses in daily life get brushed under the carpet, and their bodily and mental symptoms build up in your body. One day something will trigger your Sad switch, and the whole lot starts boiling up to the surface. The only way to prevent such an eruption is to prevent the build-up by giving your little daily troughs of a “downer” the space to be in your awareness. When sad comes up, feel into it. Enjoy it if you can.

In the meantime, though, if it comes time for a good cleanse, sit quietly for a while and go back over old grievances. Who has hurt you? What triggered Hurt? Feel into every grievance that pops to mind.

Then forgive them. This takes time; don't try to rush it. Set aside time and space to write a personal letter to someone who has aggrieved you. Firstly explain why you're writing the letter. Secondly explain what it is that you're resenting. Be very specific. Then end on a positive note. Tell this person what you admire about them, and what you are grateful for in your relationship with him/her. Thank them for listening to you and wish them well for their future.

Finally, and this is a “must”, read the letter aloud to yourself. Be with your experience. Don't hurry it.

Do a different letter for each person against whom you hold grievance.

You may never send these letters; you are writing them for you. You are practising Forgiveness. But if I'd told you that at the start, you'd probably have said “No way!!” Right?

PERSON-ALITY

I read this post on the internet a few days ago:-

Up until a few months ago I seriously thought I was going nuts as my personality just vanished into thin air and even now I'm still not too sure about who I really am. This is the hardest thing I've been through in my life and I'm really struggling to keep plodding on as I wake up every day with absolutely nothing to look forward too, the depression has been fairly intense recently and no matter what I try just now every project just seems to fail.

I keep reading about how you just need to keep going through this but I'm not sure if I have the mental strength to cope with this much longer, I feel like a prisoner in solitary confinement that has been locked up and forgotten about.

PS apologies for sounding so bloody miserable.

 

OK. I'm so glad to meet a fellow-mate. 

Let's look at this “I” you keep referring to. Is that that the one you see in the mirror and say “That's me?” Well, what if you're mistaken about that? Yes, your pain is absolutely for real, but who's suffering about it? – you? I don't think so. 

 

Take a step backwards from this “you” that is doing the misery --- what is aware of that “you” and the pain? What is this Awareness? Does it buy in? Or does it just stay Aware?

Close your eyes for a few seconds and say softly to yourself “I am”. Is there any doubt about that? No? Of course not. You certainly are. There is a pure awareness there, is there not? Yes. Can you see it? No. Can you hear it? No. Can you touch it? No. But it is there, isn't it? Pure Awareness that just knows everything "you" think, say, feel, experience. Nothing else. 

 

So what is this bad dream you think is real, yeah, the one you label “depression”? I've got one of those, too. But what is it? Isn't it just a bunch of shitty feelings that are arising in this present Awareness. There is Awareness, and there is a bad dream that this awareness is conscious of; two quite separate things.

Your “personality is having a bad dream. But you are not that; you are the Awareness. Then the personality – and the dream -- could dis-appear and the Awareness would still be. Yes? That would be who you are. Your personality is just a belief --- “I am my personality” = “The world is flat”

My “I” has a belief “I am a failure”. So this committed “failure” is freaking out about the possibilities and dangers of failing? Is that an example of ME getting in my own way? No wonder "I" gets the shudders!

Consider letting go of this “personality” you lovingly hand-crafted, and without it becoming authentic instead. Why have you tried so hard to manufacture an image of what you already are? What else is “personality” but an image you want to see when you look into a mirror? How about being what you are instead? And that might be scary for a minute or two because you have no idea yet just how beautiful you are. You've never yet given yourself a chance to show up. This “personality” you've concocted has always got in the way. Ditch it, and discover what you are.

I look at “personality” and see something you thought your parents, teachers, partners, friends and sundry others wanted, but who are you? I want to know who you are, not your freaking mind-made personality!

Mind, the maker of all illusions, is an appearance – it appears to be real, and so does everything it creates. But because it appeared, Mind is (rightly) terrified that it and its creations (incl. “you”) will disappear again. So it takes a hostage -- you – the Awareness-you that never disappears. The servant kidnaps the master. 

 

Time to break free.

When you're ready......

[I'm Free – Corcovado Frequency – 2:31]

A MISSION STATEMENT FOR A LIFE -- YOURS

Most of us love to say we wake up in the morning feeling light-hearted--joyful even--and move through the day with purpose and intention, but the reality is most of us spend the larger part of our day going through the motions, feeling exhausted and, maybe sometimes, actually wondering what the point of it all is.

A recent Workplace Report showed only 30% of Australian workers feel engaged or inspired at their jobs, and only about 15% feel that they are satisfactorily reaching anywhere near their full potential. The 70 percenters seem to shrug and complain “I'm doing my best.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The word “disillusioned” just sprang to my mind: but that, too, is simply not true. Disenchantment is a state of being so deeply steeped in Illusion, it's sufferers are drowning in it.

It’s my contention that it's possible for all of us to find joy in our business, spiritual, family, social, and personal lives, but to do so requires willingness, integrity, strategy, and some kind of passion for possibility.

As a life coach and, later, a crisis counselor, I had people ask me questions like ‘should I take this promotion?’, ‘Is this the right career move for me?’, “Is this the right partner for me?” In response I often told the story of Alice in Wonderland; she came to a fork in the road, and the signpost had been knocked over. She asked the Cheshire Cat “Which direction should I take?” “Where do you want to go?” asked the Cat. “I'm not sure,” stammered Alice. “Then,” said the Cat, “It doesn't much matter which direction you take, does it?”

Too many of us wait for a new opportunity to happen along and hit us over the heart. No organisation worth its weight in salt would never leave their business results to chance. Happiness and Satisfaction are the milieu of deliberate and conscious choices.

Not having a clear direction is the number one mistake we make in our careers and personal lives. Every effective strategic plan starts with a declaration of an entity’s purpose that expresses:

• why they exist,
• what they value,
• what they intend to accomplish,
• how they intend to go about it; and
• how they know whether they're succeeding.

Too many of us wallow in our unhappiness, waiting for a new opportunity to come along, or for some divine miracle that will change our current situation. A business organisation would never leave their results to chance. You would never get anyone to invest in a project if they couldn’t see what the return was going to be on that investment. In order for a business to know that they’ve been successful, they need a mission statement, firstly for everyone to aim for and, secondly, to measure how well they're doing.

Forming a personal mission statement means identifying your purpose. While this may sound like a profound philosophical question--on par with the meaning of life-- asking “what am I here to do?” isn’t as challenging as it seems. And I really wonder how you intend to live a satisfying life if you don't know what satisfaction you're really looking for, and what you think satisfaction will feel like when you have it.

FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUR PERFECT DAY OR WEEK.

What do you need to have in a day to make it joyful for you, connecting with people on a daily basis and doing something that makes a valuable contribution to someone else’s life? Make a list of all the things you need in your day to make you feel in love with life. Perhaps it’s as simple as spending time outdoors every day or seeing your kids off to school. One thing's for sure, it’s a bit more ambitious than picturing yourself on a beach with a cold beer. It has more to do with what you need to be doing to make your life meaningful to you.

LIST YOUR VALUES AND PASSIONS.

 

Finding joy in your career and life means knowing what you value and the qualities of living that you espouse, in the order of their importance to you. What, also, are your passions? 

If you have trouble coming up with your list of values and passions, think about the best experiences you’ve had, what you do when you’re procrastinating, or what you daydream about, or what you do for a hobby. Think about what gets you fired up, and find the constructive values that underlie those good feelings.

Here's an exercise that will help get you started. Write two eulogies for yourself. Make the first one for your life as you'd like it to become over the next few years; make the second one for your life as it is now. What could your best friends truthfully say about you? You will find your experience of doing this exercise more profound if you take pen, paper and a bottle of water to your nearest churchyard, bush reserve, memorial park or cemetery and do your contemplating and writing there. 
 
When you read these eulogies back, you'll begin to get a glimpse of your core values, the things that are really of value to you. And you may begin to like and appreciate yourself just a little bit more, too.

Then look more closely at the evidence of your life as it is. Find a place within where you can comfortably accept the inevitable possibility that “This isn't quite how it is at the moment.” If this is your experience, don't be tempted to beat yourself up about that. Rather, be grateful that you have a clear direction for your first Mission Statement.

IDENTIFY YOUR TALENTS.

 

List all of the things you’re good at that you can bring to bear on fulfilling your Mission Statement. Concisely include how you can express them in your Action Plan.

If you find it difficult to conduct your own talent inventory, ask others around you to tell you what they think are your greatest strengths.

Another way to find your talents is to examine your past accomplishments. Think of something you’re particularly proud of. Next, examine the skill sets that made you successful in that instance.

Creating a mission that aligns with your natural talents means you are more likely to be aligned with your Life Path, and success will likely come easier.

CONSIDER CORE VALUES.

 

Your personal mission statement must reflect those two or three bedrock basics that matter most to you personally. Things you will not sell out on for anyone or anything. These guiding principles help you to set priorities.

BENCHMARKS

Set workable criteria by which you'll be able to gauge how you're going, and notice where and how you may be modifying your Statement in the light of changing circumstances and your experiences along the way.

Armed with your new mission statement, you can then begin to put together a strategic plan for how you’re going to get to where you want to go. Post your mission statement prominently to remind yourself every day of what matters most to you and to help you and those who support you to keep on track.

And review your Mission Statement often. If it is not to become a limitation, your Mission Statements must adapt and grow with you.

[Listen With Your Heart – Casey Donovan (A) – 4:01]

MINDFULNESS OR AWARENESS? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

MINDFULNESS -v- AWARENESS
Some authors urge us to be “Mindful”. It's my experience that I am always “mindful” – my mind is chock-a-block full – 20-50,000 thoughts a day is more than enough traffic, thankyou. I'm a bigger fan of “awareness”. Awareness of what our minds are up to, awareness of our surroundings, awareness of the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations that are arising. Awareness of the impact we're having. 

It's a recipe for misery and victimism to live your life with blinkers on 24/7. 
 
Mixing awareness with a busy life may not come easily at first. We might have to be willing and persistent in replacing what may be a lifelong habit of Spotlight Consciousness (zooming into close-up on everything) with a new habit of Floodlight Consciousness (zooming out to a wide-shot).

Awareness is a precursor to opening up and becoming present and available to what's going on within and around us. The more we resist and struggle-with, the narrower and more restricted we become in all aspects of our life.

The trick is to enter every moment as if we've never done it before. Notice what arises in your moment-to-moment awareness. If you need a role model for this, watch a toddler.
 
THINGS TO BECOME AWARE OF....
Become aware of what you're doing and the ripples it creates.
Notice how the quantity and quality of what you put in affects what you get out of each moment. 
 
Get used to asking yourself “By doing this, or doing it this way, what might I be avoiding or hiding?” (Remember, most people are driven by what they're hiding.)

If pain or discomfort is part of your present experience, notice how you habitually choose to be present with pain – your own pain or the pain of others. Notice the differences and similarities.

RENOVATING? RULE #.1.

Is it time to renovate your life yet? If not – if you're happy with what you've got, skip this blog -- it will be a waste of time for you.

If, however, you are ready for a lifestyle change, read on –

Step One: (and this often gets missed, which is why DIY makeovers turn out to be shonky) Thoroughly check the existing condition of the building structure! If necessary, get an outside professional inspection and report; it will be well worth your investment. Otherwise you'll find you're just Spackfilling or papering over evidence of deep structural defects, crumbling foundations, rising damp, roof leaks or white ants. Haven't you done enough of that already?

Here's an exercise that will help. Take pen, paper and a bottle of water to your nearest churchyard, memorial park or cemetery and write two eulogies for yourself. Make the first one as if you've lived your life as you'd like it to become over the next few years; make the second one for your life as it is now. What could your best friends truthfully say about you? When you read these eulogies back, you'll begin to get a glimpse of your core values, the things that are really of value to you.

Then look more closely at the evidence of your life as it is. Find a place within where you can comfortably accept the inevitable possibility that “This isn't how it is.” 
 
Don't gloss over this step – it you do, all your later efforts will be time, energy and materials down the drain, and you'll end up in a worse mess than the one you're in now. 
 
This exercise will, in practice, help you balance two concurrent but conflicting needs – your need for change and your need for self-acceptance. Logically they are at odds, so we have to bypass your mind. That's essential because your mind is not going to be of any help to you in this exercise: your mind IS the problem.

But you mind is not who you are. So you can stay in residence while you renovate.