TIME OUT
TEN WORDS
YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOURSELF
A
couple years ago I listed a few
ways you should never describe yourself. My list was based
on a simple premise: it's awesome when people call you, say, an
"authority," but describing yourself as an authority is
ju-u-u-st
a bit pompous,
and actually casts a shadow of doubt across my day.
So
are words like - “expert”, “experienced”, “popular”,
“innovative”, “motivated”, “team-builder”, “leader”.....
leave them out of your CV
[Show
Me – Julie Andrew & John Michael King]
It's
my preference that people find one or more of these sterling
qualities in you from the results you have achieved up to date, and
from the list of of opportunities you have taken to create
something new and vital in your past projects. I want you to
demonstrate the fruits of your work, and let me come to my own
conclusions about the difference you could make in people's lives
now.
Also,
and even more importantly, while it's great when people describe you
a certain way, there are also ways people, including you, should
never
feel
moved to describe
you: I'm talking about cynical, controlling, anal, self-serving,
critical, opportunistic, cocky, unsure, sympathetic or unforgiving.
You need to get these qualities re-branded so that instead of working
against you, their energy works for you.
Cynical
Dharmesh
Shah says,
cynics are toxic: "At a fundamental level cynics don't believe
in goodness. They don't believe in the ability of other people to
overcome, to rise up, and to achieve. And they don't believe in new
ideas because, if nothing else, they don't believe in people
(including themselves.)"
You
don't want to be seen as cynical, but sceptical? That's cooler. As
Dharmesh also says, "Sceptics like to look at data. They like to
be convinced. They like to analyse, assess, measure, and draw their
own conclusions--and in the process help transform a good idea into a
great idea."
So
what is the difference between “cynical” and “sceptical”? I
think it's probably one of where you're coming from and of where you
want to go. A cynic comes from a ground being of disenchantment and
discontentedness and breathes mistrust and pessimism; a sceptic
emanates an aura of practical optimism. A sceptic would like to see
the thing work; the cynic would settle for a laugh of derision from
his audience.
When
you're seen as sceptical, smart people will naturally come to you for
help in identifying and plugging the holes and polishing their ideas.
When you're seen as cynical, smart people will naturally avoid you
like the plague you are.
[Total
Control – The Motels – 1:38]
Controlling
OK,
you're pulling the strings. Sweet. Still, when a decision needs to be
made, the best person to make a leadership decision is usually not
you; it's the person closest to the issue. But for a controller,
that's unlikely to happen. Controllers are very rarely good leaders.
They recognise capable people, but see them as a threat and eliminate
them from key positions. Controllers may allow a compliant underling
to announce the call on their behalf. This way, if the idea works
out, the controller will accept the plaudits: if it doesn't, the
Controller will allow the underlings to take the fall. Controllers
are political plotters and schemers, but rarely good decision makers.
For one thing they tend to take advice from pliant sycophants and
toadies.
While
decisiveness is a quality of a good leader (and we'll talk about
"unsureness" in a minute or three), one of the best ways to
be decisive is to decide who is the right person to make a decision
or take the lead. Many people would like to be topdog because they
want to call the shots. Not a great qualifier. Great leaders don't
see control as a reward, so as a result they usually aren't
seen as controlling, except by underdogs who have an issue with real
authority. An effective leader is, more often than not, a person who
empowers and enables others to achieve and succeed. Controllers
de-power everyone, including themselves.
Anal
Every
business needs at least one person that ensures "i"s are
dotted and "t"s are crossed. That's especially true for
small business, since many entrepreneurs tend to be visionary and
big-picture rather than lovers of properly tuned details.
But
there's a huge difference between a person who is thorough, and a
person who is anal, and that difference lies, again, in their
motivations. Both want things to be done right, but while the
thorough person wants things to be done the most productive and
effective way, the anally retentive person wants things to be done
the way he/she
has
decided they should be done.
Be
thorough. Be comprehensive. Just make sure your detail-orientation is
focused on processes important to effective results--not on making
sure people follow procedures that are only important to you.
Self-serving
No
one accomplishes anything worthwhile by themselves. Great leaders
focus on providing tools and training and on creating the environment
that best helps their colleagues succeed. Same with great
consultants; they're great because they put client needs first. Great
businesses do, too; they go out of their way to help and benefit
their customers.
Great
people put other people first and as a result then reap their
own rewards. They inject life and energy into every project.
Self-servers look for personal rewards every step along the way. And
the rewards they look for very rarely have anything to do with the
task at hand; they are meant to make up for the self-server's
personal deficiencies. Self-servers suck energy out of the project;
that's why working with them can be a frustrating and debilitating
experience.
Being
experienced as self-serving is the kiss of death for anyone hoping to
create a spirit of collaboration and teamwork--and the eventual kiss
of death for a career or business. Self-serving people are all too
obviously only in it for themselves, which means that someday soon
they will find themselves standing alone at a staff party.
Instead,
work hard to earn the reputation of servant. You'll not only succeed
professionally, but you'll also have lots of friends.
The
surest way to lose friends is to be a critic.
I don't know of a single monument anywhere in the world that's been
erected to celebrate the life and work of critic. Do you?
[Look
At You – Carl Stewart Band (A) – 5:34]
Critical
It's
tempting to turn every possible teachable moment into a lesson. It's
a lot harder to let people learn their own lessons, even though those
lessons are the ones we all remember best. That's because criticism,
especially public criticism, makes us focus on avoiding that
criticism and not on improving a deficiency or weakness.
So
leave your judgments aside and find ways to help others advance their
skills and their careers. Be supportive, not critical.
And
include yourself on the list of key people to support and train.
Self-critical people are shit-scared that, if they relax their
vigilance, they'll either do something terrible, or something
terrible will happen to them. Not a good strategy for someone who'd
like to live up to a tranquil old age.
Opportunistic/Situational
A
decision that makes sense today should make sense tomorrow, and if
that decision no longer makes sense or applies to a particular
situation that's no longer current, the reasons should be
communicated and steps taken to adjust.
But
here's what often happens: Respect and trust are all-important unless
the cost of a mistake is too big. (Then instead of copping to the
mistake and making amends, we cover up and hope no one notices.)
Behaving decently is all-important to us, unless the offender happens
to be the topdog (officially or unofficially). (Then we decide that's
just "Joe being Joe" and we should probably let it go.)
Better to not rock the boat. Well, not a good idea. That kind of
slackness will return to haunt you and slowly sap the life out of
you, your integrity and your organisation. Hold people, especially
yourself, as accountable for what is done in your name .
Being
described as situational or opportunistic means people know you have
multiple agendas, and they know that most of the time the most
important agenda to you is your
agenda,
whichever one may be in play at the time.
Cocky
Cocky
people think they're great, and they want you to think it, too. The
difference between cocky and confident? You're right, psychologically
they're opposites. Cocky people are loud and constantly seek
attention to make up for deficiencies in self-esteem; confident
people are comfortable in themselves, tend to be quiet and shy away
from the spotlight because they don't need outside validation.
Cocky
people tell others what to think or feel; confident people ask
others what they
think and feel. Confidants already know what they
think, so they want to know what you
think
in order to get a bigger perspective.
Cockiness
is irritating and off-putting. A quietly confident person
automatically makes everyone feel more assured, because genuine
confidence rubs off. Cockiness rubs too, but it rubs up the wrong
way. (Chloe & Kelly, are you listening?)
[Oh
My Me – The Firetree (A) – 3:14]
Unsure
Caution
is often a virtue, but where leadership is concerned, caution should
be relatively private. Fear, uncertainty, doubt--display those
qualities too often as a leader and your team will become uncertain
and doubtful, too. That's especially true when you're starting
something new, transitioning from something old, or when times are
tough.
When
you aren't sure, DON'T over-compensate with over-the-top aggression
(Failure is not an option is one of the more ludicrous
examples of this kind of huff-and-puffery.)
Make
Uncertainty a positive for your team. Use your concerns as a
springboard for seeking research and advice. Explain your uncertainty
to your team and ask for their input. Turn hesitation into a way to
include and engage. When Uncertainty is seen as a natural part of
most larger decision-making process, everyone understands and
participates. They know what uncertainty feels like, and they'll
appreciate some practice in creatively dealing with it. When you're
floundering and appear confused you lose your team. Level with them.
In
an inauthentic world, authentic people respond to authenticity.
Inauthentic people? You're always going to be in trouble with them,
especially those who have no awareness of just how inauthentic they
are. They'll pretend to be on board, stab you in the back while it's
turned, look the other way when responsibility shows up, and support
the insupportable at every opportunity. With them, everything is
personal.
Sympathetic
Surprised
by this one? Here's why: Sympathy is OK, but Empathy is much finer.
If you're sympathetic, you can understand my pain, but you'll hit
your thumb with a hammer to show how much you love me. Fat lot of
good that is! But when you're empathetic you can feel
pain
from your memories, but you won't jump into my pain. You'll stay off
to one side and give me a couple of paracetamols, a glass of water
and a cuddle--and that means you can stay grounded and help me
through my pain.
Don't
just offer a shoulder to cry on. Provide the help someone needs and
support them in pulling themselves out of the pickle they're in. The
difference between the definitions of "sympathy" and
"empathy" may be lost on the person who's suffering, but
the difference in how you treat them will be obvious. So will the
results.
Unforgiving
Some
leaders are widely considered and even celebrated as uncompromising,
unrelenting, hard-nosed professionals.
Just
don't turn maintaining high standards into a lack of willingness to
forgive. Great employees will still make occasional errors. Even you
will make mistakes.
So
expect the best. And reward the best. But don't be afraid to
forgive--because even the best occasionally fall short. Forgiveness
is not weakness; it's uncommon sense. What you do when someone falls
short makes all the difference. For that person, for your team, and
for you.
I
give the final word to Byron Katie – “Since
the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so
that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it
approaches the problem backward. What we need is a way to change the
projector—our mind—rather than the other person (the screen) on
which our self-image is projected. It’s like when there’s a piece
of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the
screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever
the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the
projected images. Once we realise where the lint is, we can clear the
lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in
paradise.”
Bottom
line = If you want to change the world, change yourself. It's that
simple.
[If
I Could Change the World – Eric Clapton -- 3:56]
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