I
read this post on the internet
a few days ago:-
Was
wondering if anyone else been through this? I've been going through
this for what seems an eternity now although it's not been 2 years
yet and I'm starting to panic that my life has been stripped bare and
there is no sign of anything changing soon.
Up
until a few months ago I seriously thought I was going nuts as my
personality just vanished into thin air and even now I'm still not
too sure about who I really am. This is the hardest thing I've been
through in my life and I'm really struggling to keep plodding on as I
wake up every day with absolutely nothing to look forward too, the
depression has been fairly intense recently and no matter what I try
just now every project just seems to fail.
I
keep reading about how you just need to keep going through this but
I'm not sure if I have the mental strength to cope with this much
longer, I feel like a prisoner in solitary confinement that has been
locked up and forgotten about.
If you could offer any advice
coping I'd be eternally grateful.
PS apologies for sounding so
bloody miserable.
OK.
I'm so glad to meet you at last. Let's look at this “I” you keep
referring to. Is that that the one you see in the mirror and say
“That's me?” Well, what if you're wrong about that? I mean, it's
only “you” if you buy into another thought that says “Yes,
that's me”. And who's doing that thinking anyway – you? I don't
think so.
Take
a step backwards – this “you” that is doing the thinking ---
what is aware of that “you” and the thinking it is doing? What is
that Awareness? Does it care? Or is it just Aware? Without thinking?
Close
your eyes for a few seconds and say softly to yourself “I am”. Is
there any doubt about that? No? Of course not. You certainly are.
Anything “you” tries to add after “I am...” might be a matter
for conjecture, but there's no doubt that you ARE. There is a pure
awareness there, is there not? Yes. Can you see it? No? Can you hear
it? No. Can you touch it? No. But it is there, isn't it? Just
Awareness. Nothing else.
So
what is this bad dream you think you're having, yeah, the one you
label “depression”? I've got one of those, too. But what is it?
Just a bunch of shitty feelings that are arising in that Awareness.
There is Awareness, and there is a bad dream that this awareness is
conscious of; two quite separate things.
Now
what if you are not the bad dream – the “personality”? What if
you are the Awareness? Then the personality, which has only appeared
to you over time, could dis-appear and the Awareness would still be.
Yes? That would be who you are. Your personality is just a belief ---
“I am my personality” = “The world is flat”.
My
“I” has a belief “I am a failure”. So this committed
“failure” is freaking out about the possibilities and dangers of
failing? Is that an example of me getting in my own way? No wonder I
get the shudders!
Consider
letting go of this “personality” you lovingly hand-crafted, and
without it allowing authenticity to show up instead. Why have you tried so hard to
manufacture an image of what you already are? What else is
“personality” but an image you want to see in the mirror? How
about being what you are instead? And that might be scary for a
minute or two because you have no idea yet just how beautiful you
are. You've never yet given yourself a chance to show up. This
“personality” you've concocted has always got in the way. Ditch
it.
I
look at “personality” and see something you thought your parents,
teachers, partners, friends and sundry others wanted, but who are
you? I want to know who you
are, not your freaking mind-made personality!
Mind,
the maker of all illusions, is an appearance – it appears
to be real, and so does everything – everything it creates. But
because it appeared, it's terrified of it and its creations (incl.
“you”) disappearing again. So it takes a hostage -- you – the
Awareness-you that never disappears. The servant kidnaps the master.
Time
to break free.
When
you're ready......
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